Husband telling me to tell my friend to shut up on Christmas Day?

[samanthaoritz]

Currently living in Spain with my Spanish husband. Been here two years but increasingly feels isolating and I feel homesick. I wanted to get an honest view on a situation that happened. Is it that bad?

My friend came over to Spain to spend Christmas with me because I was feeling lonely, which I was really grateful for. On Christmas morning she got up around 8:30/9am and was excitedly FaceTiming her family and nephew. She was admittedly quite loud.

My husband had worked Christmas Eve and wanted a lie-in, so he started texting me telling me to make her be quiet. I felt embarrassed and didn't want to dampen her excitement because it was Christmas morning.
I was sitting outside having a coffee when my husband stormed downstairs, came into the garden and said, “Tell that bitch to shut up,” before going back upstairs.

I was absolutely mortified. I ended up hiding in the bathroom crying, and I remember very clearly thinking, “My friend gets to leave and escape this, but I'm stuck here with this person.”
Christmas is my favourite time of year and something I look forward to all year. My friend and I made a big roast dinner together—she cooked chicken and I cooked beef. My husband ate it without saying thank you or saying anything nice about it. The only comment I remember was, “Do you British people use gravy for your flavouring?”

Looking back, it wasn't really about someone wanting a lie-in or even about Christmas dinner. It was the atmosphere—the irritation, negativity and feeling embarrassed by my own husband when I was just trying to enjoy having my friend there and have a happy Christmas.

No one tells me to tell my BF who has made the effort to come and see me on Christmas day to shut up! It's not the day for a lie in, even without kids, unless a teenager.

I am genuinely shocked that a newlywed would leave his wife on their wedding night (let alone a wife with a head wound) to go and stay with his sister, rather than make it up with the woman he just married! Honestly you deserve so much better, leave the prick! He doesn’t respect you.

It’s true because I used to cry and frel
Sorry for myself in bed when he would be horrible to me for no reason, because I genuinely
Didn’t understand it or had ever been treated that way, but now I just ignore OR get angry and be spiteful back. I don’t like doing that. And hate that I’m becoming disengaged too.

I think he genuinely thought it was over. He kept texting me telling me we were getting an annulment. I didn’t even know what that means. I still ask him to this day and he says he doesn’t know so maybe a term his sister told him to use.

A divorce is when a marriage is dissolved/ended, an annulment is a legal (& religious, if a religious marriage) ruling that the marriage never existed.

there are strict rules about what qualifies a marriage to be annulled. The most traditional is that if a marriage was uncosummated (the couple never had sex) it could be annulled.

Have you had a child?
If not, then for goodness sake get the hell out of there.
What a completely toxic mess from the get go.
Go home.

have you ever considered kindness?

it's just an odd update in the whole thing!

@samanthaoritz
Oh babe, he sounds absolutely horrific, honestly.

Like, yes, whilst we can acknowledge that he may have been tired from work, using awful language and vile insults towards you AND your friend that has visited you in Spain is not okay. Christmas happens once a year.
Whatever you're feeling right now, I promise you, is totally rational and normal.

Are you safe? Do you have anyone to talk to? I know I'm a stranger, but if you need a chat, pop me a message 💕

Regarding sunk costs, that’s all the more reason to get out now. Get on a plane and sort things out from a distance. It will only get harder for you with time, and in reality you are early enough in your marriage for this to become a hard but short period of your entire life. Your marriage started badly and has continued in same vein. It’s a cliche but true: you only get one life!

You mentioned a pregnancy but it was unclear on the timing, are you saying you lost the pregnancy? Like a PP said get advice but I’m pretty sure having a baby in his country is likely to lead to you being stuck like this in a country you only moved to for him for a VERY long time (or else relinquishing custody…!)

I think everyone here is telling you the same thing, you need to get out. I hope you take it on board and take action, and that you don’t make decisions that trap you further.

Op

You seem to side step a lot of questions

Fair enough it’s your life and despite your unhappiness all you do is ruminate on something he said to your friend?! That is actually the least of your worries

While you stay all you are doing is living through a life lesson - if you choose to stay then your lesson will continue until you finally learn

I guess you are raising a child in this abusive household, and all you are doing is showing your child abuse - the dynamics of your home become etched within your child and shape their future person

Try to factor them in when deciding your future

I am not focused on that however I think that was a turning point for me. A point I maybe subconsciously decided this is enough. The happiest time of the year turned out to be the worst and something changed in me that day when I cried alone in the bathroom. I do not have children I mention above I think that I miscarried. I’m not 100% sure if the wedding night where I was pushed over had anything to do with that. I know I need to leave but some days I wake up with so much guilt like I made this choice and a commitment and is it fair I just “prefer my old life” but deep down I’m incredibly lonely and losing myself.

OP - i’m very sorry about your miscarriage but very pleased for you that you don’t have a shared child whom you have to co-parent with this man. It sounds like your marriage was doomed from the start - he brawled with your brother; you ended up with a head injury; he spent the wedding night elsewhere and told you the marriage would be anulled; he’s horrible to you unless he’s stoned; you’re (unsurprisingly) starting to be spiteful in response. It sounds like this marriage is destroying you both. It would be a hellish environment for any child. Honestly, it sounds like you leaving will end the misery for both of you. And screw what his family thinks. They dislike you anyway so stop worrying about what they think.

I think you are right doomed, but its a hard pill to swallow when 1 person has caused so much destruction in your marriage and doomed it from day one (his enmeshed sister)

It's really good then that you know you have to leave. Are you getting things in place to do so?

@samanthaoritz you are now living in a foreign country and quite possibly have complicated or at least enmeshed finances and other things tying you there (besides your DH). Have you any IRL friends there? Or any opportunity to seek out some real-life help? It's not really the best advice for you to be asking women on another continent for help. You need some solid guidance as to how you can either extract yourself from your current situation or make it better. Ruminating about what's happened and what is happening on MN isn't going to give you that help. And if you've no family or close friends to come back to in the UK, it's not just a question of jumping on a plane and getting here and it'll all be okay. You need to work out a solid plan with the help of real people who can either provide you with or point you to resources that will help you.

Op, you say his family hate you. I don't think your husband likes you. I'm not sure why he married you and already acted like a cunt on your actual wedding day. What the fuck is wrong with him?
Does he just go along with things and then you have to work out his mood about it?
If he didn't want to get married, then surely you speak up before the bloody wedding.
Not go through with it but act abusive

I think you have to get away from the entire mad shit show.
Take whatever you can get from those bastards, but you have to leave. They are very far from being on your team.

You don't have kids with him, so anything else between you can be walked away from.

Why don't you buy an airline ticket, pack a suitcase and leave?

because i feel like a marriage is commitment - however i am slowly opening up to the idea of putting myself first. what is enough to leave? how much unhapiness justifies leaving, its hard

Everything you've ever posted about this man demonstrates that he's abusive.

Aghast that you can't see this.

Again, @samanthaoritz , why are you bothering to post on here about this? What are you looking for from us? No one can live your life for you. None of us can wave away anything that's happened to you in the past or is happening to you in the present.

If you are so resolute in sticking to "a commitment" despite being miserable, just get on with it and continue your miserable life. But please, if that's your genuine decision, stop moaning about it here.

If, however, you are dithering about whether or not you should or shouldn't leave or stay, you don't need to ask anything else here, as PP have made it clear what they would do in your position.

If you have some other question, perhaps about the nuts and bolts of doing something, then by all means, pose that question.

But just continuing to post your "poor me" ruminations is frustrating for us and I'm sure not at all helpful for your mental health.

i did actually start to organise my items last night into boxes and look into containers to ship - i guess im looking for long term advice, general encouragement about leaving (because some days are good some days are bad), help prioritizing myself, what my future may look like etc

I'm certainly not going to "encourage" you to leave or pontificate about what your future might look like should you leave because I have absolutely no idea what you'll be leaving to go to. Do you have somewhere to land and stay if you return to the UK? Do you have family here who will help you figure out how to restart your life? Are you employable? Are you in bad health? No one should just pack up their possessions and head off into an unknown without some sort of feasible plan.

For me, that would include knowing for certain that someone would let me stay with them for a specific period of time. And then having a fairly sure plan of how I was going to be able to support myself once I moved out of that accommodation. If I didn't have these in place or know where to start, then I'd be trying to contact women's aid groups (both in the States and here in the UK) for advice on what I needed to do, well before I started packing anything up or contacting shipping agencies. I don't know, maybe you've done all this and have something concrete sorted and you're just wavering over whether it's for the best or not. If so, you've not made that very clear in your posts.

He couldn’t even demonstrate commitment on your actual wedding day, remember that! An annulment wouldn’t have been a bad idea, and right now I would say divorce would be a great one.