Husband telling me to tell my friend to shut up on Christmas Day?

[samanthaoritz]

Currently living in Spain with my Spanish husband. Been here two years but increasingly feels isolating and I feel homesick. I wanted to get an honest view on a situation that happened. Is it that bad?

My friend came over to Spain to spend Christmas with me because I was feeling lonely, which I was really grateful for. On Christmas morning she got up around 8:30/9am and was excitedly FaceTiming her family and nephew. She was admittedly quite loud.

My husband had worked Christmas Eve and wanted a lie-in, so he started texting me telling me to make her be quiet. I felt embarrassed and didn't want to dampen her excitement because it was Christmas morning.
I was sitting outside having a coffee when my husband stormed downstairs, came into the garden and said, “Tell that bitch to shut up,” before going back upstairs.

I was absolutely mortified. I ended up hiding in the bathroom crying, and I remember very clearly thinking, “My friend gets to leave and escape this, but I'm stuck here with this person.”
Christmas is my favourite time of year and something I look forward to all year. My friend and I made a big roast dinner together—she cooked chicken and I cooked beef. My husband ate it without saying thank you or saying anything nice about it. The only comment I remember was, “Do you British people use gravy for your flavouring?”

Looking back, it wasn't really about someone wanting a lie-in or even about Christmas dinner. It was the atmosphere—the irritation, negativity and feeling embarrassed by my own husband when I was just trying to enjoy having my friend there and have a happy Christmas.

DebbieSavage · Today 08:57
Good to see all the 'save are women' types have found this thread. They would be the first people to complain if a Polish woman wasn't cooking disgusting English food for her greasy fat Nigel husband.
This woman married into Spanish culture and the least she can do is assimilate by cooking their food. It's a simple as.

Just two words, Mr Savage: seek help.

I think you need to put the mills and boon away Mildred.

Are you actually serious with that statement!?

The funny thing is, despite having ‘been all over’, @DebbieSavageis actually just showing how uncultured she actually is.
Firstly by saying that British cuisine is awful. It absolutely isn’t. If all she has eaten is overcooked meat, flaccid Yorkshire puddings and baked beans, which appears to be the case, then I can see why she holds that view. Britain actually has a fantastic food scene, with amazing local delicacies and fresh ingredients.
Secondly, ‘if you live in Spain you should cook Spanish food’. Having lived in Spain for 18 years, I can tell you that the Spanish eat cuisines from all over the world. We’re not all just eating tapas for every meal. In the city I grew up in we had wonderful Thai, Japanese, South American, Indian etc restaurants, and we cooked food like that at home too.
Thirdly, the idea that in Spain they would be outraged at a roast on Christmas Day. It’s actually fairly standard in many parts of Spain to have some sort of roast meat/vegetables etc on Christmas Day. We used to have a big rib of beef on Christmas Day, then more typical Spanish dishes to celebrate Reyes.
Finally, she appears to think that all Spanish men are ‘tall, dark and handsome’ 😂. I can assure her that Spanish men come in all shapes and sizes, just like British men!

How do you see other threads from the poster? I have never worked this out!

lol that sums up my thinking too about most posters. thank you to everyone who is replying to the absolute nonsense posters. You have to pity them really, as to spread such hate they must be very unhappy and have stuff missing in there own lives. To every serious comment, thank you 😊

Regardless of where you are based OP, he sounds very unpleasant and you really don’t deserve this. Please make plans for moving on -it can be hard living elsewhere without local support, I’ve done it and during covid too and somewhere we really liked a lot- and even then it was tough and with a supportive husband

Move back to England. This man is not the Juan for you.

Move back to England. This man is not the Juan for you.

You seem pretty unhappy to post about a Christmas incident in August. There must be a way to leave the man.

You haven’t responded to anybody who actually agreed with you or offered advice though, only people who seemed to side with your husband. Not saying he’s in the right by any stretch (just calling your friend a bitch? Wow) but like I said in my previous post, this was 8 months ago- what’s happened to bring this up now, what do you need from us? Confirmation that you’re doing the right thing to leave him? Is he gaslighting you? By only responding to people who side with him it’s not really clear what the purpose of the post is

hi there - the things is, some days he is fine, and others he is sarcastic and snappy - making it hard to 'leave'. His family hate me, and i worry that they'' be "proven right" if i leave, i know that is not a reason to stay. My head is a mess because sometimes things are OK, and I feel guilty he has paid for a lot to get me over here in this country. But quite honestly, these incidents have been constant throughout the relationship, but have calmed down a lot since his family have been removed. There were some terrible times last year though, I slept on my wedding night alone, I had concussion trying to separate my brother and my husband fighting because i got knocked to the floor, they were fighting because his sister insulted me on my wedding night and my husband said "well what is the context she said it in?" rather than defending me. I actually found out I was pregnant went I fell over... the next day he left me home alone to go to his sisters party, i begged him not to go, literally begged, but he said he had to go because he planned it and she asked him that morning when he left her house to come home (he stayed at her house the night of our wedding and i was home alone with a bleeding head) - i really think even though things are better now they are out the picture i am still suffering as to what the hell happened :(

The thing is, OP, that we can't change him. You can't change him. You're the only person who can decide what to do here - stay or leave. There isn't an option where you stay but he's different. I know what I'd do in your place - it's as clear as daylight that he's a bully and quite frankly, horrible to you.

Perhaps have a good think about why you're staying with him - those small crumbs of comfort that he chucks in your direction really don't sound like a good enough reason.

i know, and maybe they are breadcrumbs honestly. its just so hard to 'leave' now things are finally 'calmer' and he has cut contact with them

Because I've read all her posts and in one of them she admits she made up the location. She is actually in the USA.

I wish you well whatever your predicament is, but I can't make heads or tails of what you're asking for help or confirmation of. You speak about several things that appear to be or have happened in the past. Either these are actually still continuing actions which indicates you've a DH problem. Or for some reason you're continuing to ruminate on them months after which would indicate a you problem.

Hi - no my wedding night doesnt keep happening - thank god. But I am definitely still deeply hurt and traumatized as it wasn't even over a year ago. I mention before things have got better e.g arguments less explosive but now realising we do not have that much in common, and my hubby is a bit of an A hole when he isnt smoking weed everyday. Because its not all the time its hard to difrientiate, some days are terrible until he smokes then its absolutely fine, its a head fcuk. I think i am looking for confirmation i am doing the right thing, even if the worst was 8 months ago.

This is no life op

Surely being alone is not worse than this?

Staying to prove a point to his family would be a huge mistake

Needs weed to get through life?

Did you have the baby yet?

You know deep in your gut what you want to do, you have just been so de sensitised to unacceptable behaviour you now think because it’s got better maybe you’re not justified in taking that course. Trust your gut.

wow this is a great comment and spot on i think. can i ask how u can tell im desnsitized? one of the things i remember last year is telling my husband im going to have to switch off to cope... and i have

Oh my actual god, op,this man is hideous!!

It's a common pattern with abusers to be intermittently nice, it keeps their partners with them for exactly the same reason as you say here.

Even in a non abusive relationship, you shouldn't be subjected to such emotional swings.

See if you can submit a Clare's Law request from abroad.

And find a way to go home.

Because if you weren’t de sensitised you would have left by now. But also because you refer to the abuse as constant and because it sounds like you’ve experienced persistent. criticism from his family which has very likely eroded your self-esteem and left you questioning if you even deserve to be treated better.

I think this is an example of sunk cost fallacy coupled with a loss of perspective due to trauma.

It doesn't matter if it turns out his family were "right" about your relationship, it's you who feels like your are in a prison on Christmas day. You never have to see them or your ex again if you leave. From what you have said the relationship is horrible and you hate where you are. Cut your losses and seek to protect yourself by going home and building yourself back up.

you may be right. i need to work out how to leave when you feel sunk cost fallacy

Unfortunately, many women have either learned from their family life, or maybe it's innate since most of us are biologically programmed to feel maternal, to be too nurturing and self-sacrificing for our own good.

I think this is the case with you, since you feel some obligation to stay just because he paid your passage and has made at least one sacrifice of his own for you by disconnecting from his family.

But even you feel it in your gut that all of that can never override your unhappiness. It's time to bring your heart in alignment with your brain.

What will be the legalities, if you brought to term a child, if you'll be living in different countries? You might pay a secretive visit to a family law attorney to find out.