Tell the truth about how they are?

[AngelAngelAngel]

When my ex texts me how are the kids is he wanting the truth or just “they are fine”
do you think?

He left 10 years ago and hasnt had any contact in 3 years, he recently got back in contact and weve spoken a few times but admittedly not much, he asked how they were the other day after about a month of not being in contact and I just text they are fine (no response) but today im sitting here thinking maybe I should tell him the truth? They are not fine, I just want him to know what damage he has left behind.Most absent parents that leave i presume ease their guilt by thinking their kids are “fine” without them and mum will manage and bring them up just fine without needing them but he has honestly left me and them in such an awful situation. Do I just tell the truth? No they are not “fine.” If he is asking do you think he is wanting the truth or not? I want him to know what damage he has done.

Op think about it ,10 years , and all of a sudden he's wanting to know how the children, first ask yourself 1, why now!! 2, what's he hoping for now! 3, what damage will this do to the children,

Answer all three to yourself op, and there's your answer,

How bloody dare he just pop back up' you're manage alone, you're buffered the pain of those children he course remember,

Honestly he walked away all those years ago, tell to carry on walking,

If anything tell they are fine because one parent took responsibility for her children, no thanks to you mate 👍

If he wants contact again i am open to that hence leaving the door open but im wondering if I should be honest about how they are when he asks or if he isn’t actually wanting know how they are really

They are not fine as per my
post

You didn't answer any of PP's questions:

1. Why now?!
2. What's he hoping for now?!
3. What damage will this do to the children?

And they didn’t answer mine.

You've completely missed the point:

Answer all three to yourself op, and there's your answer,

Well he will be having contact if he wishes so im only wondering whether to be honest. Im guessing that means I should

he will be having contact if he wishes

That’s completely irrelevant. The questions are about his motivations.

Yeah you should. I would.

Why does it matter what his motives are? If he wants to see them thats a good thing

Thank you for answering the question

If he wants to see them thats a good thing

The point is to consider what his motives are before you decide it's a good thing.

I can’t tell if you are being sarcastic or not. But I think that if he is asking you should tell him, if he doesn’t have contact with them then it’s his loss, but you are better off just being the bigger person then your kids can never blame you for him being an arsehole who doesn’t bother with them.

hopefully he will realise though and actually put some effort in with them, if not at least they have you to look after them

NO ITS NOT!!!! He will cause far more damage to your children if his motives are not good!!!

Next time he asks how they are, enquire if he really wants to know. If he says, "Yes", tell him.

No definitely not sarcastic I appreciate your opinion as other people are focusing on other things which isn’t really relevant right now as he hasn’t actually asked to see them yet

You say that he has left damage behind but then are open to contact again if HE wants that? why? Have you actually asked your children what they want?
as a child of an absent father who dipped in and out of my life for years, it isn't a "good thing", allowing him to dip in and out whenever he feels like it will only cause further damage and is not allowing your children to have closure.
in answer to your question, no I wouldn't, he obviously isn't that bothered if he's been okay with having no contact for 3 years. I probably would have blocked him long ago.

They want to see him yes.

OP, you absolutely should consider the impact of having an unreliable father on your children. It can be extremely confusing and unsettling. He already can't keep in contact with you consistently to ask how they are doing

If he was truly interested in their welfare he should be moving heaven and earth to prove to you he is deserving of time with them and working towards setting up contact that is sensitive to their feelings. Instead, it doesn't even sound like he has asked, but you are more than willing to just let him back in their lives after he fucked off for 10 years?

3 years, we split 10 years ago. Yes I am because the damage he did by being absent is just as bad and people underestimate the damage caused by an absent father.

Apologies, he hasn't bothered with them for 3 years. Everything else still stands.

And I do know the damage caused by an absent father. I also know it was even worse when he popped back up again when I was 10 but would disappear for months on end with me having no clue why and blaming myself for not being a good enough daughter that he wanted to see me. Or thinking that I had done something wrong to cause him to disappear off the face of the earth. Again. It was extremely damaging and left me very untrusting and with low self esteem and feeling unworthy of other people's love for a long time.

As a child of a failed marriage, many moons ago, when kids were rarely seen and never heard, I really wish I had someone to advocate for me

To tell my mum that I was not fine, that I was struggling on all fronts

Dot get me wrong, she never wanted to hear, but I do wish I was heard at the time.

You don’t know that he will disappear

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour 🤷‍♀️

Are you hoping to get back together with him?

You’ve said they want to see him. Why? Did you put thoughts in their head? He hasn’t bothered with them for three years. Don’t tell the kids he’s been in touch. What good will that do?