Tell the truth about how they are?

[AngelAngelAngel]

When my ex texts me how are the kids is he wanting the truth or just “they are fine”
do you think?

He left 10 years ago and hasnt had any contact in 3 years, he recently got back in contact and weve spoken a few times but admittedly not much, he asked how they were the other day after about a month of not being in contact and I just text they are fine (no response) but today im sitting here thinking maybe I should tell him the truth? They are not fine, I just want him to know what damage he has left behind.Most absent parents that leave i presume ease their guilt by thinking their kids are “fine” without them and mum will manage and bring them up just fine without needing them but he has honestly left me and them in such an awful situation. Do I just tell the truth? No they are not “fine.” If he is asking do you think he is wanting the truth or not? I want him to know what damage he has done.

Where am I centering his feelings? I asked if he should know the damage he has caused?

Yes I want him to feel extremely guilty as per my post im sure most absent dads leave thinking their children will be fine without them so should he know the truth that they aren’t fine? Feel like I keep repeating that, this isn’t about contact he hasn’t asked to see them.

I think people are misunderstanding why I want him to know. It isn’t because I want to hurt him or make him feel guilty for the sake of it. It’s because he made a choice to walk away from his children, and I don’t think he should be able to live with the comforting assumption that they were all “fine” without him.
For 10 years, he has been able to carry on with his life while I’ve been here dealing with the consequences of his absence. I’ve had to watch my children grow up without their dad, deal with the questions and hurt, and handle all of the difficult parts of parenting on my own. Whatever problems they’ve experienced as a result, I’ve been the one here trying to support them through them.
So yes, I want him to know. Not because I think telling him will magically undo anything, because it won’t. And not because I expect him to suddenly become the dad they needed 10 years ago.
If he asks me how his children are and I simply say “they are fine”, he gets to walk away with the impression that everything worked out and that his absence didn’t really matter. But it did matter. It mattered enormously.
I don’t think children are automatically “fine” just because the Mum kept everything going. Sometimes the Mum keeping everything together is precisely what means nobody else sees how much she and the children have had to carry.

I am not in your situation so don't have lived experience. However, I believe I would tell him, very limited information, that they are damaged by having been abandoned by their father. I would tell him this because, if he wants to come back into the life, a plan needs to be made for him to address his absence with them (so they know it wasn't their fault) and some ground rules need to be laid down about how to gradually introduce him to the children again in a way that is in their best interests. I'd also have a conversation about his motivations and future plans. You don't want him to abandon them again with all the damage that will bring on top of everything else. I'd also let the children decide if they want to meet him or have in be part of their lives.

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Well you clearly dont know my mum and she is a nasty piece of work hence being NC with her for the last few years!

Not necessarily

Not necessarily

But that's not the same thing is it?

Well you clearly want to tell him they aren't fine and. So why post asking if you should?

Well if people would just stick to the question it would help, he hasn’t even asked for contact so im not sure why the fixation is on that. If he did want contact it certainly wouldn’t be rushed and would be built up very slowly.

Hi OP! 👋
I haven't RTFT, just your replies.

I believe your original question was:
When my ex texts me how are the kids is he wanting the truth or just “they are fine”do you think?

I would flat out ask HIM.
I would reply to him:
How are the kids, hmmm. Do you want the actual truth or for me to just say “they are fine” ?
Which one?

I would ask that, then he will let you know if he wants the truth or for you to say they're fine etc and then you will have your answer to your original question.

After that, if you wish to know why he messaged out of the blue or want to know about his intentions etc, then that's your turn to ask him that.

Communication.
Then you can hopefully get some answers and make some decisions Going forward.
Best of luck to you OP.
@AngelAngelAngel

You are focusing on the wrong thing. Your concern should be what's right for your children, not what deadbeats should not get away with, and not your own unresolved anger about your own deadbeat dad.

How would giving him any reply at all benefit your kids?

Actually it is relevant as people have made an assumption that I don’t know what it’s like for a child to have an absent father. I do and it’s crap. How is it any better to block him and him tell the kids that he did try to contact them but I had blocked him

It would benefit them because he would say I did try to contact you but I wasn’t allowed/ your mum blocked me

Other people, with intermittently-absent fathers, have told you that a hokie-cokie dad (in, out, in, out...) is also harmful, and arguably more so, because the child constantly thinks that their own behaviour is the cause of the father going away again.

So again, I ask how it is in your children's best interests to entertain this loser for one moment, given that they are already not OK?

To take another approach: you tell the sperm donor that the kids aren't OK, then what happens after that? What is the next outcome after you send that text? What does he do? What do you do? Will this outcome benefit your children?

him tell the kids that he did try to contact them but I had blocked him

He should have thought that through before he fucked off the first time.

And if you do that, then you will be able to give them an explanation about why it was necessary to protect them when they are old enough. Assuming that is the case.

This is why you need to establish his motives and explain to him how the kids are affected. Even with the greatest of caution you can't guarantee he won't abandon them again. Your job as a mother is to protect them, so that can mean keeping space between them and their father. What is best for your children?

Nah, that's not a benefit to them. It benefits you by allowing you to say "not my fault" when he complains that you blocked him. But blocking him might be better for the kids than having him hokie-cokie in and out of their lives.

Sure.

No father should be denied contact unless he is abusive.

My dad was in and out until i was around 11 then fully absent till adulthood so ive had both.

Abandoning his kids is pretty much the definition of neglect, which is a form of abuse.

And please don’t claim being absent is abusive it’s not and if he went to court he would be awarded contact, they wouldn’t NO you can never see them again.

And you've still not come to terms with it, quite clearly.

Whatever resolution you wanted from your father, don't assume that the sperm donor will give it to your kids. He almost certainly won't. Break the cycle, show your kids the strength and boundary-setting your mum didn't show you and tell this waste of oxygen that he blew his chance when he walked out the first time.

Ok let’s reword that. Unless he is a risk to them. Being absent doesnt mean he is a risk, contact would be gradual.