Page 6 | Tell the truth about how they are?

AngelAngelAngel · 2026-08-12T15:53:26+00:00

When my ex texts me how are the kids is he wanting the truth or just “they are fine” do you think? He left 10 years ago and hasnt had any contact in 3 years, he recently got back in contact and weve spoken a few times but admittedly not much, he asked how they were the other day after about a month of not being in contact and I just text they are fine (no response) but today im sitting here thinking maybe I should tell him the truth? They are not fine, I just want him to know what damage he has left behind.Most absent parents that leave i presume ease their guilt by thinking their kids are “fine” without them and mum will manage and bring them up just fine without needing them but he has honestly left me and them in such an awful situation. Do I just tell the truth? No they are not “fine.” If he is asking do you think he is wanting the truth or not? I want him to know what damage he has done.

London22 · 13/08/2026 08:37

Read in full and this thread is just exhausting!

Posters have given decent advice as to why the door of contact should be kept closed. The OP is nonchalant of any advice and wants to reason focused on the absent "dad" knowing the impact of his disappearance. OK so tell him, would difference would it make, what is the response you're expecting OP? For him to fall in line because he heard an emotional rant, as if he's abandonment wasn't enough of an emotional experience.

And bearing in mind, all of this thread is based upon IF he asks, again. He hasn't even asked for contact with the children- he abandoned for the best part of a decade.

Certain threads just feel like a wind up. As the OP is determined to inflict her unresolved trauma on to her children. As a child who lived that and inturn became a parent, who had to break a pattern -after the damage. Don't do this to your children and damage their adulthood.

As childhood abandonment issues don't just magically end in childhood.

BettyJoanPerske · 13/08/2026 08:40

If you are who I think you are, your kids have a very hard life and my heart breaks for them.

BettyJoanPerske · 13/08/2026 08:43

London22 · 13/08/2026 08:37

Read in full and this thread is just exhausting!

Posters have given decent advice as to why the door of contact should be kept closed. The OP is nonchalant of any advice and wants to reason focused on the absent "dad" knowing the impact of his disappearance. OK so tell him, would difference would it make, what is the response you're expecting OP? For him to fall in line because he heard an emotional rant, as if he's abandonment wasn't enough of an emotional experience.

And bearing in mind, all of this thread is based upon IF he asks, again. He hasn't even asked for contact with the children- he abandoned for the best part of a decade.

Certain threads just feel like a wind up. As the OP is determined to inflict her unresolved trauma on to her children. As a child who lived that and inturn became a parent, who had to break a pattern -after the damage. Don't do this to your children and damage their adulthood.

As childhood abandonment issues don't just magically end in childhood.

Pretty sure that this poster is the one who started a thread recently saying that she wishes that she was the non resident parent. She posts on here a lot bemoaning her fate. I don't feel quite as bad for her as maybe I should, as her posts are all very self focussed. She seems more irked that her ex has got away with his bad behaviour, than she is truly concerned for the kids' wellbeing.

London22 · 13/08/2026 09:21

BettyJoanPerske · 13/08/2026 08:43

Pretty sure that this poster is the one who started a thread recently saying that she wishes that she was the non resident parent. She posts on here a lot bemoaning her fate. I don't feel quite as bad for her as maybe I should, as her posts are all very self focussed. She seems more irked that her ex has got away with his bad behaviour, than she is truly concerned for the kids' wellbeing.

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OK, this puts a lot of things into perspective.

grumpygrape · 13/08/2026 09:26

AngelAngelAngel · 13/08/2026 03:13

Thank you, yes I agree with this. And this is what I plan to do, im not going to let him walk back in like it’s nothing, he will need to prove himself but the door will be open for him to do that if he can indeed prove himself.

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Truth is usually best. Something along the lines of they're physically fine but miss you. Why do you want to know after so long?

They must be of an age now to be able see if he gets flaky again and form their own opinions of him. You are right, if he and they want to see each other, it would be wrong not to facilitate that.

DilettanteRedRagger · 13/08/2026 09:39

AngelAngelAngel · 13/08/2026 02:47

No father should be denied contact unless he is abusive.

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Leaving for 10 years is abusive.

If you discuss it with a clinical psychologist, they can explain why.

I don’t want to get further involved in this thread since it’s a bit of a hot mess but this has to be said:
Any father who willingly leaves his kids for years is being abusive.

There is NO such thing as “benign” neglect.

It sounds like you know this already, OP; it’s why you want to tell him they’re not fine.

So why aren’t they fine? Because they (and you!!!) have had to survive without any help from him when any half-way decent human would have helped.

Yes, I consider being an absentee parent incredibly emotionally abusive. But accept that maybe others don’t agree with me.

Rosesandthorns66 · 13/08/2026 09:48

AngelAngelAngel · 12/08/2026 17:09

If he wants contact again i am open to that hence leaving the door open but im wondering if I should be honest about how they are when he asks or if he isn’t actually wanting know how they are really

I'm not really sure why he is contacting you after 10 years or what his motive is.
However, him asking how the kids are is just like a stranger saying.
"Good morning you alright."
And you just reply politely.
"Alright thanks."

For goodness sake if he was bothered about the children now, after asking about how they are, wouldn't he say. I want contact and arrange a time to see them.

He's being an arse just the same as he was 10 years ago.
Unfortunately this leopard hasn't changed his spots.
You were all left hurt then and he has not intention of making up for what he did then.

You could give him the benefit of the doubt, but for someone to take 10 years to contact you, I don't see anything positive coming out of this.
If its taking him a month to contact you again on the phone, will he really keep regular contact?

I think he will leave you and the children more confused and you and the children will have to deal with the rejection all over again.

Next time he calls you, get straight to the point, ask him why is he calling and what outcome does he want?
Also ask why does he just dissappear with not getting intouch at all?
Is he ready to see his children on a regular basis?

Is it because he has a girlfriend at the time and forgets about his children?
And only gets intouch when he's not with anyone?

Rosesandthorns66 · 13/08/2026 09:56

DilettanteRedRagger · 13/08/2026 09:39

Leaving for 10 years is abusive.

If you discuss it with a clinical psychologist, they can explain why.

I don’t want to get further involved in this thread since it’s a bit of a hot mess but this has to be said:
Any father who willingly leaves his kids for years is being abusive.

There is NO such thing as “benign” neglect.

It sounds like you know this already, OP; it’s why you want to tell him they’re not fine.

So why aren’t they fine? Because they (and you!!!) have had to survive without any help from him when any half-way decent human would have helped.

Yes, I consider being an absentee parent incredibly emotionally abusive. But accept that maybe others don’t agree with me.

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Yes, I totally agree with this 100%.
A father who is not interested in the wellbeing of his children, the children are caused harm by that.
Also a father who hasn't been intouch for 10 years that is mental and emotional abuse.

It would be stressful for an adult, just imagine how confusing that will be for children?

Children start asking questions and sometimes you don't have answers.
They will ask why hasn't dad come?
Doesn't dad love or care about us?
When a father doesn't care, it is better for the children to get their mother's undivided love.

grumpygrape · 13/08/2026 19:22

DilettanteRedRagger · 13/08/2026 09:39

Leaving for 10 years is abusive.

If you discuss it with a clinical psychologist, they can explain why.

I don’t want to get further involved in this thread since it’s a bit of a hot mess but this has to be said:
Any father who willingly leaves his kids for years is being abusive.

There is NO such thing as “benign” neglect.

It sounds like you know this already, OP; it’s why you want to tell him they’re not fine.

So why aren’t they fine? Because they (and you!!!) have had to survive without any help from him when any half-way decent human would have helped.

Yes, I consider being an absentee parent incredibly emotionally abusive. But accept that maybe others don’t agree with me.

Show quote history

He left 10 years ago but was in contact until 3 years ago. Wrong, yes, but children have the right to have a relationship with their estranged parents if they want to.

grumpygrape · 13/08/2026 19:23

Rosesandthorns66 · 13/08/2026 09:48

I'm not really sure why he is contacting you after 10 years or what his motive is.
However, him asking how the kids are is just like a stranger saying.
"Good morning you alright."
And you just reply politely.
"Alright thanks."

For goodness sake if he was bothered about the children now, after asking about how they are, wouldn't he say. I want contact and arrange a time to see them.

He's being an arse just the same as he was 10 years ago.
Unfortunately this leopard hasn't changed his spots.
You were all left hurt then and he has not intention of making up for what he did then.

You could give him the benefit of the doubt, but for someone to take 10 years to contact you, I don't see anything positive coming out of this.
If its taking him a month to contact you again on the phone, will he really keep regular contact?

I think he will leave you and the children more confused and you and the children will have to deal with the rejection all over again.

Next time he calls you, get straight to the point, ask him why is he calling and what outcome does he want?
Also ask why does he just dissappear with not getting intouch at all?
Is he ready to see his children on a regular basis?

Is it because he has a girlfriend at the time and forgets about his children?
And only gets intouch when he's not with anyone?

Show quote history

He left 10 years ago but was in contact until 3 years ago. Wrong, yes, but children have the right to have a relationship with their estranged parents if they want to.

Rosesandthorns66 · 13/08/2026 19:35

grumpygrape · 13/08/2026 19:23

He left 10 years ago but was in contact until 3 years ago. Wrong, yes, but children have the right to have a relationship with their estranged parents if they want to.

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Absolutely if the children want to.
However the parent has to keep regular contact, not keep disappearing and then reappearing.

grumpygrape · 13/08/2026 20:54

Rosesandthorns66 · 13/08/2026 19:35

Absolutely if the children want to.
However the parent has to keep regular contact, not keep disappearing and then reappearing.

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But neither the OP nor the children can control that. Only the father can. He may be unreliable or any other negative description you fancy, but it’s not about him, it’s the children who have the right to see him if they want. If they keep getting let down they will stop wanting to see him and he’ll have to accept that. I know the mother has to deal with the fall out but that’s a fact of life.

It’s not the mother’s right to prevent the children spending time with him because she thinks he’s unreliable; only if he’s actively abusive and a Court agrees.

Original poster

AngelAngelAngel · 13/08/2026 21:59

grumpygrape · 13/08/2026 20:54

But neither the OP nor the children can control that. Only the father can. He may be unreliable or any other negative description you fancy, but it’s not about him, it’s the children who have the right to see him if they want. If they keep getting let down they will stop wanting to see him and he’ll have to accept that. I know the mother has to deal with the fall out but that’s a fact of life.

It’s not the mother’s right to prevent the children spending time with him because she thinks he’s unreliable; only if he’s actively abusive and a Court agrees.

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Thank you, it was what I was trying to say all along but got jumped on and torn apart. I decided not to come back to this thread but thank you for explaining to those that don’t understand.

OP posts: