Tell the truth about how they are?

[AngelAngelAngel]

When my ex texts me how are the kids is he wanting the truth or just “they are fine”
do you think?

He left 10 years ago and hasnt had any contact in 3 years, he recently got back in contact and weve spoken a few times but admittedly not much, he asked how they were the other day after about a month of not being in contact and I just text they are fine (no response) but today im sitting here thinking maybe I should tell him the truth? They are not fine, I just want him to know what damage he has left behind.Most absent parents that leave i presume ease their guilt by thinking their kids are “fine” without them and mum will manage and bring them up just fine without needing them but he has honestly left me and them in such an awful situation. Do I just tell the truth? No they are not “fine.” If he is asking do you think he is wanting the truth or not? I want him to know what damage he has done.

No my mum is awful and I went no contact with her the first chance I got.

Yes it is, it's neglect. The kids only didn't starve because you stepped up.

Has he even paid child support?

And you aren't your mum, which is kind of my point. You can choose not to be awful and you can choose to protect them from hokie-cokie sperm donor drama.

In your position, I'd be fighting hard to resist the urge to send "actually they are pretty shit thanks to you, now fuck off again before you do them any more damage".

He has started since getting back in contact so I guess that shows something has changed. He has also been consistent with it so far.

Thats not why shes awful, she should have been promoting a relationship with my father rather than trying to turn me against him my whole childhood and resenting my existence because she hated him so much.

I think it doesn't matter what he wants. I think you should tell him the truth; that his abandonment has caused them serious pain and suffering, how it's affected them, that abandonment is emotionally abusive, and that there is no way for him to ever make up for the damage that he has done.

Then you should tell him that they still want to see him, despite him not deserving that, but that unless he is willing to be consistent, present, and be accountable for abandoning them, it's not in their best interest to see him. The last thing they need is to start to see him again, and then have him abandon them all over again.

If he can accept all that with equanimity, then he's worth giving another chance. But as he has so far proved incapable of being a good parent, it falls on you to safeguard them, which includes protecting them from their father causing further harm.

Thank you, yes I agree with this. And this is what I plan to do, im not going to let him walk back in like it’s nothing, he will need to prove himself but the door will be open for him to do that if he can indeed prove himself.

An absent father who honestly believes that his children are ‘fine’ and have been unaffected by his shitty decision is a father who is unworthy of his children’s trust regardless of what their mum tells him has been the reality of the situation.

A dad capable of showing any remorse, concern and care at all for their well being, would also not believe for one minute they have been ‘fine’ .
If he would accept that answer then by default he is an emotionally lacking, self centred man with the capacity to continue to disregard and damage his children with zero fucks to give.

I am also curious to understand how he has been in contact with you and had some communication with you where asking about his children has not been the very first thing he has said to you which based on you pondering what to say if he asks he apparently hasn’t even bothered to yet.

Your bar for what constitutes a good or even very basically acceptable dad seems disturbingly low.

Your situation with your parents isn't the same as your children's situation with theirs. Do you resent your kids existing? Clearly not, because you care enough about them to ask for advice here. Are you trying to poison your kids against their dad? No. Keeping him from hokie-cokieing isn't poisoning them, it's safeguarding them.

I think OtterlyAstounding has suggested the right approach. Victoriawould24's comments are also very appropriate. Guard yourself as well as them. He might be wanting back into your knickers.

But the fact that you believe he would ‘walk back in as if it’s nothing’ and it’s only your intervention that might stop that surely tells you everything you need to know here.

To educate him or to punish him? In the past how did he respond to unpleasant information? Did he rise to the occasion or run away?

If he isn’t a person who enjoys being confronted with his failures how do you think he will respond to being informed that his actions have harmed his children?

Did you ever get to tell your side of the story to your absent father? Is this some kind of fantasy do-over?

Why in the name of buggery fuck are you indulging his twattery at all?! Don't engage with him, at all, if he wants to smash his way back into their lives he can take it to court at which time he can get an app where he can only contact you through the app.

Move house so he can't just turn up, if he knows where you are. He abandoned you all, so he can fight legally to get back into their lives.

And don't tell them ffs. He was probably just drunk and maudlin.

There’s no point in you being in here asking people OP. You only want to hear what suits you. Sounds like you want back with him. Work on why your kids ‘aren’t fine’. He’s never going up fix what’s ‘not fine’ for any of you.

You've been watching too many soap operas and are just repeating what you think you should say to try to sound like you give a shit about your children because you desperately want this loser who abandoned you all back in your bed.

Your poor, poor kids.

I think you are putting too much store in what you think he is saying and not looking at the actual words used and when they were used

You and he have been in contact a few times

After how many texts / days / weeks did he send before he remembered he had dc

The fact you don’t know what to write in reply suggests that this is the first time he has asked

The question “how are the kids?” From someone who has ignored them for 3 years is just a small talk tick box exercise.

I think the reply is Ok… Now

if I was being cynical. I suspect you have dreams of wiping out the previous 10 years and envisaging a complete family unit.

However (and this is where motives come in) Are you 100% sure that you aren’t just to fill the gap between bf’s

I think meeting your father as an adult, I think your lack of awareness is breathtaking

Your father wasn’t a great father because he chose to never take responsibility for you and
never paid for you growing up..

If your father was such a great father and really loved you and wanted to care for you and look after you, and your mother was so awful
Why didn’t he go to court and get some sort of contact with you
Why did he leave you with your mother.

To answer your question, I wouldn't think there is any point to telling him as if he doesn't feel genuine shame and remorse off his own back for abandoning his children, you pointing it out isn't going to make much difference. The sort of person that willingly walks away from their own children shows exactly who they are from that action alone and your children deserve better.
To be totally honest, OP, from your replies, it reads more like transference of your pain from your own childhood. If your mother blocked contact with your father, that is a different situation to your ex abandoning your children and you need to be protecting them from being picked up then dropped again, not allowing him to come back and do it again. Your children's right to a happy, stable childhood surpasses any rights he has. You need to deal with your own pain because it is clouding your judgement.

He is effecively like a stranger to your kids so I think you need to remember to keep their confidences.
Tell him an answer that you could voice as if your children were right beside you.

What if the father is neglectful or abusive? The fact he hasn't bothered about seeing them before now suggests he could be one or both of the above. Don't allow your children to be abused because of weird ideas about fathers. Your first priority should be protecting your children, and that means being cautious about their absent parent's motives.

I would suggest you get some therapy...

Of course. I don't know if he is but I'd argue that dipping in and of of children's life randomly is abusive. Which is why you need to be honest with him and go slow in determining what his intentions and plans are.

This is a very good suggestion. Work this out in therapy OP and make a decision with that kind of support.

If you are looking for a safe decision that your kids won't hold against you. There isn't one. Your kids may be upset if you keep him away. They may be upset if you let him in and he abandons them again, or is distressing in other ways. Which is why you have to make the decision with their best interests in mind. Then you can look them in the eyes and say you made the decision with their best interests at heart at the time, even if they aren't happy with it. Therapy would be a good place to go over this.

OP I am glad to see you are being wise to the terrible advice and awful response you are getting.

i would try and separate the emotive from the fact so when he asks how they are in this trying to rebuild contact stage be factual on the here and now.

it they have issues stemming from him leaving such as little tommy has shoplifted every day since (sorry bad example) then thats something to tell him but probably not at this stage.

You are right to take it slow, find out what his intentions are, you have to help your children rebuild a relationship with him & tale into consideration what they want. Take it slow and set boundaries. Ask him what he wants to know and how he expects to get to know them/rebuild a relationship.

Should he know how they really are? No. He was totally absent for 3 years, someone who does that to their children does not care about them. Why on earth do you think he will care enough to be affected by the impact of his disappearance on the children because if he actually cared about how they really are he wouldn’t have disappeared for 3 years.

Truth, maybe not all in one go. "Fine now, it has been tricky"