Tell the truth about how they are?

[AngelAngelAngel]

When my ex texts me how are the kids is he wanting the truth or just “they are fine”
do you think?

He left 10 years ago and hasnt had any contact in 3 years, he recently got back in contact and weve spoken a few times but admittedly not much, he asked how they were the other day after about a month of not being in contact and I just text they are fine (no response) but today im sitting here thinking maybe I should tell him the truth? They are not fine, I just want him to know what damage he has left behind.Most absent parents that leave i presume ease their guilt by thinking their kids are “fine” without them and mum will manage and bring them up just fine without needing them but he has honestly left me and them in such an awful situation. Do I just tell the truth? No they are not “fine.” If he is asking do you think he is wanting the truth or not? I want him to know what damage he has done.

Tell him the truth. See what he says. I'd put money on him not responding.

You are not protecting your children by engaging with their deadbeat dad and considering letting him see them if he wants to.

You do not need to tell him the damage he has caused, you shouldn't be talking to him at all. A man who genuinely cares about how his kids are would never have abandoned them in the first place. If he wanted to eventually see them you cannot rely on him to be a consistent presence n their lives and I wouldn't trust him to be dependable given the existing history. Popping in and out of their lives will cause more harm than good and I would not be taking that risk.

This is not a matter of 'if he chooses to see them.' It's about 'would him seeing them be in the children's best interests.' You're crazy if you think a selfish parent who has already been absent all these years won't continue to hurt your children further with his selfish, flaky behaviour.

My children grew up with a selfish, inconsistent, flaky father. I taught them about what healthy relationships should look like (whether it be romantic relationships, friendships, or relationships with family) and that they did not need to tolerate poor behaviour from someone regardless of how they were connected. They were also taught that poor behaviour feom.other people was not a reflection on them, those people are just self absorbed or have other problems...but still, they do not have to tolerate it.

My kids eventually chose to stop talking to their toxic never show up most of the time dad and they are perfectly happy, healthy, well rounded adults.

Start teaching your children healthy boundaries and maybe they wouldn't be pining after someone who mistreats them.

🙄

What would make you think a child wouldnt want to see their parent? Completely natural

It would be in their best interest

Totally normal for kids to want a relationship with their parents, only on mumsnet do people pretend this doesn’t affect children

You're desperate to believe your own wishful thinking to the exclusion of all else.

So you keep saying, but without anything to back it up. Pure proof by assertion.

Because im Not asking if anyone agrees, I don’t believe in blocking contact from a father, im asking if I should be honest about how they are.

You have people here telling you from experience that an intermittently abandoning parent is much worse than a completely absent parent, and your only response is that he might not intermittently abandon them, despite this having been his primary pattern so far.

And people are encouraging you to actually engage with what he's like rather than what you wish he could be like.

Well my own father was absent and I don’t agree with you.

This isn’t about contact he may or may not see them again he hasn’t asked it’s about whether he should know how they really are, rather than thinking they are fine i want him to know the damage he has done.

I think you should be honest with him if he wants any contact. Tell him exactly what the situation is.
You seem pretty angry at lots of the comments on Mums net? Everyone seems to be wanting to help. Having been through similar.
If Your ex was to have contact with the kids and dump them again. This would cause more pain to all of you if he has had no contact for 3 years he doesn’t deserve anything from any of you.

You would have preferred him to be intermittently abandoning?

I don’t think there’s a “Mumsnet consensus” on this point, but if there were, and it were as at odds with your world view as you suggest, why are you even coming here for advice?

🙄

I would have preferred some contact than nothing, yes.

Because they are focusing on the wrong thing, this isn’t about contact, he hasn’t even asked, this is whether he should know the damage he left behind, why should absent fathers get away with thinking everything is just fine?

I don't think you're really thinking about what it's like to get close to someone and start to trust them and then have them abandon you again.

They shouldn't, but your priority should be the wellbeing of your children, not the fairness of the universe.

1. Why now?!
2. What's he hoping for now?!
3. What damage will this do to the children?

I'm sorry that you grew up without your dad around and that it caused you pain. But wishing you had some contact rather than none at all is a childhood fantasy with no real context. It's impossible for you to know whether occasional contact would have been better for you, or if it would have caused you even more pain to repeatedly feel abandoned if he was flitting in and out of your life.

I know this is not the question you asked, but it's what people are focusing on because otherwise, why are you still speaking with your ex unless you are hoping to at some point let him access the kids?

It's not about blocking a parent's access, it's about protecting them from a bad one. If your children are damaged and have no concept of healthy boundaries in relationships then I think you might have been projecting some of your own feelings onto the children rather than helping them understand what a healthy relationship should look like. They should be taught that they're better off not being a part of a relationship that they can't trust and rely on. At the end of the day, it would always be their choice to make - but as their mother I certainly wouldn't be encouraging them to put up with any kind of toxic or abandoning behaviour, just because he's their 'dad.' I think that is fundamentally setting them up for lifelong failure in future relationships.

Because I left the door open and I didn’t block him theres no need.

I do know how I would feel because I got in contact with my father when I was an adult and he was a great father to me so I know my mum was stopping him having contact, he died and I regret all the missed years that I will never get back.

What do you think he would do with that information if you gave it to him?

Are you wanting him to feel guilty about what he did, and if he does, would that make him change his ways or not?

Do you want him to reconcile enough so that he can start seeing them again?

What is in the children's best interests?