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Original poster

Tell the truth about how they are?

138 replies

AngelAngelAngel · 12/08/2026 16:53

When my ex texts me how are the kids is he wanting the truth or just “they are fine”
do you think?

He left 10 years ago and hasnt had any contact in 3 years, he recently got back in contact and weve spoken a few times but admittedly not much, he asked how they were the other day after about a month of not being in contact and I just text they are fine (no response) but today im sitting here thinking maybe I should tell him the truth? They are not fine, I just want him to know what damage he has left behind.Most absent parents that leave i presume ease their guilt by thinking their kids are “fine” without them and mum will manage and bring them up just fine without needing them but he has honestly left me and them in such an awful situation. Do I just tell the truth? No they are not “fine.” If he is asking do you think he is wanting the truth or not? I want him to know what damage he has done.

OP posts:
Omgblueskys · 13/08/2026 06:44

AngelAngelAngel · 13/08/2026 02:47

No father should be denied contact unless he is abusive.

Show quote history

This is abuse op its emotional abuse, and its does life long damage to them and all the relationships they have in their future's,

You are the gatekeeper to them,

Of course children will want to see there dad, but at what cost emotionally op,

Again ' why has he now popped back ' op you need to ask these questions to him'

He gave up any rights to them when he walked away, he could of kept intouch but he didn't, why ??
Yet he is now back intouch with and hasn't asked about his children and your want advice as whether you tell him the truth, he hasn't ask after them op, what does that tell you,

BaffledAndBemusedToo · 13/08/2026 06:59

Although I completely understand why you don’t want him to live with the “comforting assumption” the children were “fine”, I don’t actually think he would fundamentally care whether they are/were “fine” or not. If he had cared at all he wouldn’t have abandoned you or them in the first place. It’s a bit of a Catch 22 really. If it helps YOU then tell him, but bear in mind he was happy to leave you to it, so I doubt he’ll feel much guilt about what you’ve been through since.
It’s all about him, isn’t it? What he wants to do. At the moment he’s curious about the family he left behind. How long before he seen enough to satisfy his curiosity and disappear again?

BellesAndGraces · 13/08/2026 07:07

AngelAngelAngel · 13/08/2026 03:00

He has started since getting back in contact so I guess that shows something has changed. He has also been consistent with it so far.

You said: he asked how they were the other day after about a month of not being in contact

He hasn’t been consistent with it. Alternatively, if he consistently gets in touch to ask about his kids only once a month then I would say he’s clearly not thinking about them very much.

Your hatred for your mother is colouring your judgement. Your children may hate you for preventing contact even if it’s in their best interest but that’s the cross the good, resident parent has to bear.

Sensiblesal · 13/08/2026 07:10

Omgblueskys · 13/08/2026 06:44

This is abuse op its emotional abuse, and its does life long damage to them and all the relationships they have in their future's,

You are the gatekeeper to them,

Of course children will want to see there dad, but at what cost emotionally op,

Again ' why has he now popped back ' op you need to ask these questions to him'

He gave up any rights to them when he walked away, he could of kept intouch but he didn't, why ??
Yet he is now back intouch with and hasn't asked about his children and your want advice as whether you tell him the truth, he hasn't ask after them op, what does that tell you,

Show quote history

Are you hard of reading?

the OP’s question is about how he asked how they were & she said fine but should she tell him the truth.

Eclipseydo · 13/08/2026 07:14

OtterlyAstounding · 13/08/2026 03:09

I think it doesn't matter what he wants. I think you should tell him the truth; that his abandonment has caused them serious pain and suffering, how it's affected them, that abandonment is emotionally abusive, and that there is no way for him to ever make up for the damage that he has done.

Then you should tell him that they still want to see him, despite him not deserving that, but that unless he is willing to be consistent, present, and be accountable for abandoning them, it's not in their best interest to see him. The last thing they need is to start to see him again, and then have him abandon them all over again.

If he can accept all that with equanimity, then he's worth giving another chance. But as he has so far proved incapable of being a good parent, it falls on you to safeguard them, which includes protecting them from their father causing further harm.

Completely agree with this.
Children are not toys to be picked up and put down by him.

Of course his abandonment of them has only been extremely damaging to them.
It is undoubtedly an ongoing blight on their entire childhood.
Their are no upsides to child abandonment.

As you haven't mentioned any other abuse I think you are correct not to have blocked him.

But spelling out in calm factual language, the enormous negative impact his actions have had on his completely innocent children is not wrong.

Far too convenient for him to accept they are just fine with his dreadful behaviour.

He's a disgrace.

TISSHA · 13/08/2026 07:15

AngelAngelAngel · 12/08/2026 23:29

I think people are misunderstanding why I want him to know. It isn’t because I want to hurt him or make him feel guilty for the sake of it. It’s because he made a choice to walk away from his children, and I don’t think he should be able to live with the comforting assumption that they were all “fine” without him.
For 10 years, he has been able to carry on with his life while I’ve been here dealing with the consequences of his absence. I’ve had to watch my children grow up without their dad, deal with the questions and hurt, and handle all of the difficult parts of parenting on my own. Whatever problems they’ve experienced as a result, I’ve been the one here trying to support them through them.
So yes, I want him to know. Not because I think telling him will magically undo anything, because it won’t. And not because I expect him to suddenly become the dad they needed 10 years ago.
If he asks me how his children are and I simply say “they are fine”, he gets to walk away with the impression that everything worked out and that his absence didn’t really matter. But it did matter. It mattered enormously.
I don’t think children are automatically “fine” just because the Mum kept everything going. Sometimes the Mum keeping everything together is precisely what means nobody else sees how much she and the children have had to carry.

‘Hi Bob, how odd of you to ask now, three years on. They are as fine as any kids can be who have been let down by their father who has disappeared from their lives. So not really fine, no. They’re having to deal with all the unavoidable feelings around parental abandonment, which I am supporting them through'

Rondayvu · 13/08/2026 07:16

If he cared how they were he would have been seeing them all this time. I think OP this is you bringing up your own daddy issues. Your ex is vile abandoning his kids for years.

babyproblems · 13/08/2026 07:18

He doesn’t deserve any contact and frankly allowing him to pick them up again or drop them is going to be incredibly damaging for them… you don’t get to pick and choose when to be in your children’s life.
You are teaching them a terrible lesson by allowing this boundary to be broken again

ForeverTheOptomist · 13/08/2026 07:21

I've read your posts OP and I think that if you want to tell him the effect that his absence has had on your children you should do so. You said that you texted him 'they're fine', but am I right in thinking that you speak on the 'phone? If it were me I would discuss it in person, and on the phone if it wasn't possible to meet.

I know that you don't appear to want to take any advice on other elements of your situation, but I will just mention that I think you should be very very careful when it comes to introducing him back into your children's lives. Don't rock the stability that you've created.

Monr0e · 13/08/2026 07:23

Ok, so purely sticking to the original question, yes I would tell him the truth.

Be very clear on how his actions as a feckless sperm donor has impacted his children. Absolutely no need to sugar coat it.

And no, as pointed out, he hasn't at all been consistent with even arsing himself to send a text if he only bothers once a month. I'm sorry you experienced an absent father also but the situation was very different. There is no evidence from his actions that he actually wants to see his children which is why people are urging caution and to consider the effect it would have on them to have a disinterested half arsed father rather than no father in their lives as you seem to think any contact at all would be good for them which definitely isn't always the case.

ScarlettSarah · 13/08/2026 07:38

I think it's fine to tell him the truth. He deserves to hear the consequences of his actions.

LoyalGoldMentor · 13/08/2026 07:44

I'm reading on the run. How old are the children? This must be so difficult for you OP.

Imdunfer · 13/08/2026 07:47

AngelAngelAngel · 12/08/2026 21:53

Because they are focusing on the wrong thing, this isn’t about contact, he hasn’t even asked, this is whether he should know the damage he left behind, why should absent fathers get away with thinking everything is just fine?

Show quote history

You tell us. Why did you tell him they were when he asked? Why didn't you just tell him the truth?

soverymuchdone · 13/08/2026 07:50

He hasn't seen them in three years and has yet to express any interest in seeing them now?

No, he hasn't been a parent so he doesn't have the right to know how your kids are actually doing. They can tell him themselves what damage he's done when they're older. That's up to them. In the meantime, sharing information about them with someone who's made himself a stranger is a violation of their privacy.

Waterbaby41 · 13/08/2026 08:00

You have to ask yourself why you answered 'they are fine' when he asked. Personally I think you should have told him how they are, the good and the bad bits.

Comtesse · 13/08/2026 08:00

Tell him the truth. He doesn’t deserve to have his feelings protected.

Omgblueskys · 13/08/2026 08:06

Sensiblesal · 13/08/2026 07:10

Are you hard of reading?

the OP’s question is about how he asked how they were & she said fine but should she tell him the truth.

Show quote history

Wow! (Sensiblesal) no i fully understand what op is asking, and if you read back ' she replied did she not with , there fine, and he didn't respond to that did he,
So what does that tell you , he asked, op replied, no response,

He should be on bended knees begging for forgiveness from his children,

No reply is a reply,

No contact for 3 years is a reply,

Emotional abuse is abuse,
Emotional abuse is life long damaging how ever old,
Having a parent who dips in and out is damaging to their mental health,

Can op ever truly trust him, we should never allow ' if and buts' or just maybe one day' were our children are concerned, never,

Am still aghast that op did reply but he did not respond,

No reply is a reply,

Theunamedcat · 13/08/2026 08:07

AngelAngelAngel · 12/08/2026 18:57

Why does it matter what his motives are? If he wants to see them thats a good thing

For the kids or do you just want to feel good about yourself?

MrsPerfect12 · 13/08/2026 08:11

AngelAngelAngel · 12/08/2026 18:57

Why does it matter what his motives are? If he wants to see them thats a good thing

It’s not a good thing if he abandons them again. It’s your job to protect them now.
Yes, tell him in full detail how they are then I’d be telling him to go through court for access, you’ll quickly see if he is going to step up or if that’s too much hassle for him. If he hasn’t been paying tell him how much he is due and ask for it now.

lessglittermoremud · 13/08/2026 08:15

Instead of saying they are fine, tell him they are ‘ok given the circumstances’ if he wants further information/clarification he will then ask for more information.
I think he’s probably only asking to make himself feel better, that the damage he has caused by being absent can’t be that great if you say they are fine, which it sounds like they are definitely not.

Rightsraptor · 13/08/2026 08:30

Was it that British knee-jerk response that made you say 'they're fine' when they're not? So many times we say that we're fine when we're anything but.

Who are you protecting by saying that - not him, I hope, as he's so undeserving of such considerations? Maybe yourself - 'I'm fine too, in fact we get along splendidly without you'. The children?

Maybe you worry that if you tell him the truth he'll disappear again. But I'd do that regardless as he should know the results of his actions.

Phewmcgrew · 13/08/2026 08:30

I think it’s a tricky one. My first instinct was to say ‘tell him’. But then this is also your kids own private information. They might not want their own private feelings and hurt shared with the dad who walked out on them.

Maybe I would say things have been extremely hard for everyone, trying to survive as a lone parent family.

I doubt he cares much if he walked out though. He’s clearly a very selfish man.

Well done raising your kids in very tough circumstances. They are lucky to have you.

Pushmepullu · 13/08/2026 08:31

OP, yes, tell him how they really are and that they are not fine. This will result in one of two things, he either runs away again or decides he will see the children. The thing is, it rather seems to me that you have given your children false hope. If he hasn’t been in contact for 3 years, why? Why has he now gotten in touch, and doesn’t respond to your reply? Maybe he is trying to pluck up the courage to see them, who knows? What is certain is that he is a bad father (unless it was you who stopped him seeing the children). He did not make contact with them for 3 years, and still hasn’t.

montysmaw · 13/08/2026 08:34

AngelAngelAngel · 13/08/2026 01:09

Well if people would just stick to the question it would help, he hasn’t even asked for contact so im not sure why the fixation is on that. If he did want contact it certainly wouldn’t be rushed and would be built up very slowly.

Show quote history

So tell him they aren't fine. It's want you want to do and intend to do whatever anyone says here.

Breathejustbreathe01 · 13/08/2026 08:35

I had intermittent contact with my dad throughout my childhood. It was terrible for my self esteem. He had a new family and saw me mainly out of some feeling of obligation. I always felt second tier, unimportant and I wound up in therapy for many years. At the age of 21 after several disappointments in a row I decided to step back. He never made an effort to reestablish contact so it died. 23 years on and he's not in my life and im so much happier without that constant feeling of up and down. Its just worth considering. And yes, you should tell him the truth.