How do I broach this delicately.

[1971girl]

I have a lovely male friend I have been friends with for a long time. He has discussed his life and I have discussed mine snd my past relationship problems with him. He has been having a bad time lately. A bereavement. He is a lovely person and I think I could possibly see a romantic aspect to us if only he would get his teeth sorted. He dresses very well. I know he has talked about this but honestly, he needs to act. If he did, I think i would be interested in pursuing our friendship to a romantic level but I just don't know how to bring this up without seeming like a superficial cow! It is life! His teeth are bad and unfortunately we are judged on our appearance. No nasty comments please. I really like him but I don't know how to bring this up in a delicate manner without hurting him and ruining the friendship we have.

I agree with the above. Can't really decide if we don't know which it is.

You have a friendship. It could become a romantic one.
I think you would be doing him a favour to tactfully let him know. And as you are his friend, if you did it kindly, he would probably be a bit embarrassed but would (I think) be glad you'd told him.

Because if its personal hygiene this would put other people off socialising with him.
It could be because of depression...
But its a red flag if its due to sheer can't be bothered.

There's so much he could do before the dentist.
Visit to the hygienist ... also they would give him lots of advice and it would save you doing it.
Electric toothbrushes and water toothbrushes.. its easier than its ever been. Teeth whitening if they are very discoloured.. is not a massive expense considering how much it could improve things.

We don't know his situation. He might be well able to afford it. He could get a quote. I'm sure some people spend more on MOTs and car repairs sometimes. Once he gets the initial treatment, he'd be back to twice yearly check ups.

If he needs fillings or has gum issues, it is actually more than just teeth, it becomes a health issue. And it gets more serious with age. He could be losing teeth when he doesn't need to.

I'm wondering if you come at this from a completely different angle. If the bereavement is going to result in him getting some inheritance, could you suggest he uses that to fix his teeth? More in a trying to get a positive from the negative of his loss? I'm sure the person he's lost would be happy if he could do something for himself that would make him happy and improve his self esteem? It sounds like it's something he needs to do for himself anyway, aside from it's impact on you.

What do you mean by "bad"? Bad as in crooked, yelllowish but like that because some people genetically do not have very white teeth or bad because he does not clean and floss? There is a big difference. My teeth are horrible, but they are cleaned at least twice a day and flossed at night. I have had loads of dental treatment because i have rubbish teeth and now because I am old they are no longer white. Not cleaning and flossing is horrible, but having less than attractive teeth is out of many people's budget to deal with.

You don’t.

He is going through a tough time and you are focused on whether he has potential as a romantic partner? Red flag. Hope he gives you a major swerve.

If when i was recently bereaved a "friend" said id fancy you if you sorted your gnashers out,they would go straight in the bin!
Because it would tell me something about the conditional nature of their love and that would be a deal breaker for me.
However if you would accept this person as they are and genuinely felt they were concerned about their dental hygiene,health and appearance of their teeth.
If they brought it up id support them in seeing a dentist.

I drive 5 hours to see my old dentist in Sussex. Its worth it because they are cheap and really good. Somerset dentists are unaffordable. I do the trip every 6 months but I do have an independent hygienist locally who was really hard to find.

God this is awful. I have my front two bottom teeth removed due to accident. I have to have a denture. (which I loathe). I tried the dental implants and they didn't take. I have the money and I still can't do it because my gums just reject them. Fortunately my partner isnt a knob. He actually has very stained yellow teeth and wears clip on veneers - ive never seen him without.

As long as someone doesnt smell i dont see the issue. Perfect teeth are hard to get - and that is even with money let alone without.

I hate bad teeth and it would, and has, put me right off a man too. But getting bad teeth fixed isn't like getting a good haircut, as it may well involve fear and even trauma from childhood memories of the dentist, for instance.

I definitely wouldn't approach it during a time when he's feeling vulnerable, though, but I might be doing a bit of quiet research into dentists who specialise in nervous patients etc so you have some info at hand when needed. But don't be too obvious that you've been looking into it either!

Is the issue that his teeth are unattractive to look at, or is it that he has bad oral hygiene? Its not clear from your posts.

Either way, I am not sure it's your place to tell him. And especially not now when he's been recently bereaved!

I don’t think you’re a superficial cow for being put off by his teeth. Physical attraction does matter, and you’re allowed to have preferences.
But I wouldn’t tell him, “I’d date you if you got your teeth fixed.” That could be absolutely devastating, particularly while he’s grieving, and you could permanently change the friendship.
If he’s already talked about wanting to sort his teeth, you can encourage him in a general way “You should really look into getting them sorted if it’s something that’s bothering you” but leave it there. Don’t make it about you or imply that you’re waiting for him to become more attractive.
And I’d also ask yourself whether you’re genuinely attracted to him or whether you’re imagining that you’d be attracted to the version of him after dental treatment. Teeth can be fixed, but you can’t manufacture chemistry.
If you really like him, perhaps give the friendship some time and see where things naturally go. If he eventually sorts his teeth and you find yourself attracted to him, great. If he doesn’t, then you may simply have to accept that you love him as a friend rather than a partner.
You don’t owe anyone a relationship, but equally, he doesn’t owe you a makeover to become dateable.

People can be put off by whatever reason, that's not the issue.

Issue is trying to change how someone looks from the get go, so they can be deemed good enough for you.

Imagine if he turned round and said he didn't like her long hair, toes, or make up, people would be saying he's a big red flag.

@Isthereanotherplanettoinhabit if you aren’t getting the butterflies can’t wait to see him feeling as he is, then I wouldn’t try to change him

Agree, if you liked him you wouldn't 'see' the teeth (unless it's bad breath).

When you love someone, you don't see their bad points and these become exacerbated later on.

Going in already trying to change him isn't a good idea as other things will come up over the relationship.

Even ugly people can find love, let him find someone who loves him, warts and all.

Exactly. It's ok saying don't be fickle but it is a fact that we are judged on our teeth!

Wow, that's mad! Not only fix him but suggest how he spends his supposed inheritance 😳.

Alternatively if someone said he has BO, or a cheesy dick or greasy hair no one would think OP superficial

OP has said he has poor oral hygeine, this isn't just an aesthetic issue.

You're not saying if it's bad teeth or bad hygiene as many have asked.
Seems to be bad teeth as you're avoiding the question.

OP: I just want him to want to improve his look.

If this were the case, you'd have told him already as a friend, seperate from the romantic side of things.

You want it for yourself.

Yes is it purely aesthetic or not OP?

I have really good teeth- white, strong, no fillings. I never go to the dentist and forget to floss most days.

A friend of mine goes to the dentist every 3 months, does all the flossing and stuff you're meant to do, had braces when she was younger and constantly has fillings. I do think a lot of teeth is down to genetics.

Unfortunately teeth and mouth hygiene are pretty fundamental to a romantic relationship. There are other things I could ignore (scars, baldness, crooked nose etc) if I liked the guy but not bad teeth.

I don’t think "fickle" means what you think it means…

That's why my other post says if it's bad breath, that's another issue.

Bad teeth an d bad breath are two seperate issues, which OP hasn't clarified despite PP asking.

She's said plainly, it's about attractiveness. She doesn't want to be seen with someone with bad teeth. No different from a guy saying he doesn't want to be seen with a fat woman.

Which is why I posted this:

People can be put off by whatever reason, that's not the issue.

Issue is trying to change how someone looks from the get go, so they can be deemed good enough for you.

It's not superficial. If it were one crooked tooth, or you wanted them 2 shades lighter and you didn't care at all about his personality, then it would be superficial. It sounds like his teeth are very bad. Some people really do think we don't have the right to be direct about what turns us on / what we find attractive, but we do.

You have the right to decide who/what you're attracted to. I had an obese person contact me on a dating app and I told them directly that this isn't something I'm attracted to. We wouldn't be compatible either because of my hobbies and preferred leisure activities. But I don't care about a bit of fat - probably prefer it. It's my right to choose.

But we don't have the right to make others feel bad or give them ultimatums. Let him decide what to do and until/unless you become attracted to him, look elsewhere.

You can drop hints, but if you do, make sure they are super subtle.

I think that’s tetracycline? I went out with a lovely guy who had taken it and it was the first thing he told me about on our first date. It wasn’t that noticeable but he was really upset about it.
Lovely lad, beautifully dressed, he was always well-groomed. I did understand why it was something he wanted to tell me about but once he told me, I didn’t really notice.

OP hasn’t actually clarified what is wrong with his teeth. Crooked, missing, dirty, colour, chipped, not veneers, bad breath?