How do I broach this delicately.

[1971girl]

I have a lovely male friend I have been friends with for a long time. He has discussed his life and I have discussed mine snd my past relationship problems with him. He has been having a bad time lately. A bereavement. He is a lovely person and I think I could possibly see a romantic aspect to us if only he would get his teeth sorted. He dresses very well. I know he has talked about this but honestly, he needs to act. If he did, I think i would be interested in pursuing our friendship to a romantic level but I just don't know how to bring this up without seeming like a superficial cow! It is life! His teeth are bad and unfortunately we are judged on our appearance. No nasty comments please. I really like him but I don't know how to bring this up in a delicate manner without hurting him and ruining the friendship we have.

Bad teeth in a romantic partner are absolutely fucking disgusting. This absolutely, definitively would put off most people with normal hygiene standards.

OP I have no idea how you'd bring this up. But it would put nearly everyone off, just ignored the sainted martyrs talking shite.

Not many people deliberately let their teeth get so bad that they put off any romantic partners. It's nearly always either fear of getting it sorted, lack of resources to deal with it or lack of capacity to organise what needs to be done. It can be a consequence of mental health issues too. But there is a small percentage who don't care. Tend to not have a partner, though.

Cautionary tale.

I had bad teeth - thanks to genetic problems and bad orthodontics, not toothbrush issues. It took me years to justify the cost - money and time - of fixing them. Even with insurance.

At no point do I recall being unaware I had bad teeth or needing it pointed out to me or perhaps not feeling quite enough shame. Painfully aware. All day. Every day. Just couldn't. Not walking around looking like Shrek to spite people. 😆

Having redneck teeth for a long period can make you work on the rest of yourself to compensate. Maybe that's what makes your friend so great.

When I did finally get them done, it helped my confidence, career and appearance so much that - to my great surprise - I found myself with a much wider choice of much more interested men with better credentials, maybe just because I was able to properly smile back.

Your friend might have the same experience - so if you want him, lock him in before he gets a perfect smile and starts getting swept off his feet. 😁

I really don't think you should say anything.
If it's just cosmetic then you should be interested anyway.
If it's bad oral hygiene surely that's an ick that can't be fixed.

If you were his partner, you could broach it, delicately or otherwise.

You're not, so it's none of your business.

What’s the problem exactly? If his teeth are rotten/dirty then you are not unreasonable. If it’s more a cosmetic thing then you are.

I have a child who I spent a lot of money on with orthodontic work, then when wisdom teeth came in they undid it all and my child was then if an age to decide they didn’t want further orthodontic treatment. So, while their teeth are clean and healthy, cosmetically they look a real mess, however as an adult they have chosen to be fine with this. If this put someone off, I’d be inclined to think they had dodged a bullet.

DH is fastidious with cleaning his teeth and oral hygiene and always has been but has unhealthy teeth, it’s genetic as one parent also had the same. When he got to 40yo they literally started crumbling (and they were problematic for 20 years before that with constant fillings). At this point so many are gone and he has a mouth full of bridging etc, the underlying issues meant he was able to have implants. He can’t help it and while he’s not exactly a glamour picture when he has taken bridges out for bed, I don’t hold it against him. If it was just bad oral hygiene as he couldn’t be bothered cleaning his teeth though, then I wouldn’t stand for it.

You are allowed to find his teeth off-putting! You just need to have a conversation & tell him.

I travel 200 miles to see mine and have done for six years!

Would you want him to potentially get a painful and expensive treatment regime that he's not otherwise decided to get because it might give him a shot with you? What if it doesn't work out with you? He may have spent thousands and had something done just to please you. I hear you and I get it, you can't stand his teeth, but consider his lack of will to do anything about it without you asking or lack of perception of how bad they might be to others - these are part of his personality and you can ask him to fix the teeth but you might have to consider (gulp) that this might feature with him in other ways, does he keep a nice house, car, garden, etc basically are your overall standards and values compatible? Why hasn't he sorted this already it it's so bad? If you are not aligned in thinking then you could be tackling 'dodgy teeth' type issues persistently in this relationship which will be exhausting for both of you, especially if you live together

Like PPs have said you can have the most fastidious oral hygiene but because of genetics, accidents or whatever, you might have teeth that look like only a mother could love.
It doesn't always mean sewer breath.

We don't know what the issue is with the teeth of dream man - they might just look awful or his breath stinks or both.

My partner waited two years for an NHS appointment and has to travel 35 miles to see him. But she kept her teeth clean whilst waiting .

Maybe pop some gum in after having a coffee and say, ‘Coffee breath is yuck,’ and offer him some gum and then go for a kiss after. If he has terrible breath another time then bring out the trusty gum. In the meantime, maybe you could talk about booking at the dentist and getting a clean, and ask him which dentist does he go to, as you are looking to change.

If he says, he doesn’t go is reluctant to sort out the situation, then maybe he’s not right after all.

I wouldn’t just fully go in for the blunt, sort-yourself-out approach.

People are so ignorant about this bad teeth aren’t always down to bad hygiene there are many reasons
also if there that bad you will be talking £1000’s to get them fixed one tooth can cost up to £5,000 to fix

There is a difference between discoloured teeth, misshapen teeth and then poor dental hygiene. If it’s the latter then you can’t proceed.
However, as a friend who is going through a lot, don’t say anything right now. Leave it a while.

I am unclear on what exactly the issue is- are his teeth wonky/broken/missing or does he have bad breath/poor hygiene? If it's the latter, then I would certainly mention it as a close friend. But if its the former, has he ever spoken about why they are like that or why he hasn't been able to get them fixed? Is it an issue for him? It is first important to know whether he also has romantic feelings for you.

wow this thread really shows how people get something from nothing.

she said bad teeth. Not poor hygiene.

There was an antibiotic given to children in the early 90s that permanently damaged tooth enamel making it grey/yellow and mottled, when taken for multiple courses. First thing my dentist asked me was how often I’d taken it. First I’d ever heard of it. But it’s permanently damaged and marked my teeth. I can’t bleach them because I have virtually no enamel. Meaning only veneers are an option really.

but if I was to do that to prevent everyone thinking I had smelly breath …. I’d be called vain cause “turkey teeth”… I also don’t have ££££ laying around every few years to redo it.

but yeah../. My breath stinks….

Sometimes it can come down to priorities. Spending money on my teeth is a priority for me. I don't even question it. Expensive definitely but worth it.

However for others, it is not a priority - there is always something else they want to spend their money on. Your friend is probably fully aware how bad his teeth are but is ignoring it.

You could ask him about his dentist and see if he opens up. Probably he doesn't care especially if they are dirty and he is too lazy to clean them.

Poor dental hygeine causes gum diseases which is associated with heart problems and dementia. Definitely reasons to get his teeth and gums fixed and a proper hygeine routine established. People with pure or non existent oral hyg et ine very likely to have poor hygiene generally. Do not kiss him out let him give you oral sex -you do not want that bacteria.

What are his teeth actually like? How bad are they? That would be the decider on whether to approach it. Chipped and brown dirty looking? Rotten as is proper broken. Or just a bit wonky? What are we talking about here?

So does he have bad oral hygiene? Or just very unfortunate teeth? The first will eventually lead to the second, but sometimes the first can exist in spite of perfectly good oral hygiene.

Someone who cares about how his teeth look and says it bothers him probably doesn't have bad oral hygiene.

What are the issues with his teeth specifically?

Does he have poor oral hygiene AND horrid teeth?

Because poor oral hygiene is a choice. Do you want to date someone who you have to remind to floss? 😫😖

Tetracyline staining. I have it too, though luckily not too severe. The darker banding is closer to the gum line and not over the entire tooth, luckily. I have managed to bleach my teeth with some success but they are very sensitive because of it. The banding is still there but lighter and less noticeable.

The OP did mention bad oral hygiene in her second post though.

This.

The time to have talked about it was during your very good friendship.
Actually I think you said that he did talk about it but needs to act. But he hasn’t acted. So you will know why he has bad teeth in the first place and you will very probably know why he hasn’t had them fixed.
Surely it has occurred to him already that he might stand a better chance with women/you if he improves his appearance. He can’t be that lacking in self awareness and if he is, why would you think you might want him romantically?

I don’t think you can mention it now, with a view to going to a romantic relationship. Telling him you might have feelings for him if only he would shape up for you is a very transactional offer and any decent man would find it offensive. I can’t see how you could word it without it sounding contractual.

Stay as you are and hope for the best instead. As a good friend, you can much more easily encourage him and support him in whatever ways are needed, by putting his feelings first rather than making it a personal mission for your own benefit. So you then have a much better chance of helping him feel better about himself.
If he does act for himself to get his smile fixed, you can feel free to make your romantic approach if you still want to.

He might be thinking you have ‘flaws’ that need fixing too.