How do I broach this delicately.

[1971girl]

I have a lovely male friend I have been friends with for a long time. He has discussed his life and I have discussed mine snd my past relationship problems with him. He has been having a bad time lately. A bereavement. He is a lovely person and I think I could possibly see a romantic aspect to us if only he would get his teeth sorted. He dresses very well. I know he has talked about this but honestly, he needs to act. If he did, I think i would be interested in pursuing our friendship to a romantic level but I just don't know how to bring this up without seeming like a superficial cow! It is life! His teeth are bad and unfortunately we are judged on our appearance. No nasty comments please. I really like him but I don't know how to bring this up in a delicate manner without hurting him and ruining the friendship we have.

Bad oral hygiene is not just a flaw that’s instant red card. Imagine his mickey? No thanks.

He's told you he's interested too. You can say 'mmm, that sounds good, but how about seeing a dentist first because your teeth are letting you down'.
There is no tactful way to say it.

Absolutely agree with this. Those saying that if you care about him his teeth don’t matter. What?

Oral hygiene is a fundamental to good health. I under that some people are frightened of having dental treatment and that it is expensive but that is no excuse for not looking after your teeth. You would expect people who don’t visit the dentist for the above reasons to actually look after their teeth.

@1971girl, say to him “oh, I must make a dental appointment, it is time for my check. Which dentist do you go to”. Hopefully this will get a conversation going.

You could tell him about your dentist appointment for s check up next week and ask who is his dentist. Which could then led to a conversation about dental check ups/flossing etc

I too would find it difficult to be romantic with someone with bad oral hygiene. Who wants to kiss someone with rotten teeth and potentially bad breath?

This would be an incredibly difficult conversation to have OP, and definitely not one for now, while he's grieving. You also have to consider the fact that, even if he had the inclination and the funds to have his teeth sorted, he may not get any better with his oral hygiene. Maybe this is one to keep in the friendship zone?

I’m not sure there’s a ‘delicate’ way to tell a grieving male friend who has romantic feelings for you that you’d consider shagging him in theory if he got his revolting teeth fixed.

I thunk oral hygiene and good looking teeth are important. I would have a chat about how you think you would love to take things further and go on some dates but his oral hygiene would need to improve. Tell him you will help him and give him some ideas. I don’t think there is anything delicate you can say apart from say nice things either side of the ‘brush your teeth’ part - like a bad news sandwich

It doesn’t sound like he has asked you out or said/ done anything to try and move your friendship to the next level, so there is no action needed at this stage.

If he were to ask you on a date, or one day moved in for a kiss, you could say really warmly, ‘I really like you, and I could definitely see us in that way, but I’m going to say no, for a very specific, practical, reversible reason. I’m happy to tell you the reason, but you’re not going to like it.’

And then that leaves him with a choice as to whether he wants to have the information.

Either way, this is NOT an issue that should be raised while he is grieving, and I would argue is not appropriate to raise at all unless he makes a move.

So basically you are attracted to him and you agree with him that his teeth need sorting. That seems fair - it’s not like he’s happy and you’re being out of order.
Could you encourage him to do it to treat himself, give him a confidence boost and basically enjoy the pampering? If this was a woman posting about her own insecurities we’d all be championing her to self nurture and look after herself - it’s only the same for him. Why shouldn’t men be supported to feel better about themselves physically the same way women are?
He might be feeling like it’s a trivial thing to worry about in the context of bereavement but it’s clearly been bothering him and is now just one more thing to feel sad about, except that this is fixable and will give him a little boost. Tell him he could try dentists teeth whitening which is less expensive than braces or whatever and let the dentists advise him from there. Sounds like he just needs support to get his foot in the door then he’ll be fine. Good luck and keep us posted!

So is it the look of his teeth or is it hygiene?

Does he not brush his teeth regularly?

I don’t think I’d say anything like this tbh - he’d be mortified. You’ll have to be on guard for any leaning in moments and just duck away / pretend you haven’t noticed whilst he’s getting them fixed and as soon as he’s cleaned up and minty fresh you can go for it.

Is it bad teeth or bad oral hygiene. They are too different things. If they’re wonky enough o change the shape of his face then maybe not. If they’re dirty and full of plaque definitely not.

intimacy is intimate you don’t need a moral reason not to let someone close to you if you find an aspect of them of putting. But, you also don’t need to tell them.

I wouldn’t mention it, but I’d casually bring up going to the dentist, getting and electric toothbrush and flossing. If he’s into you, he might even show an interest in your hobby around clean and sparkling teeth.

Don’t be a martyr though. Teeth do matter a lot in how your face shapes and initial perception in society around cleanliness etc. people can pretend online but bad oral hygiene or even the implication is off putting.

you may be stinky because you are dirty or you have a hormonal condition. Doesn’t change the smell though.

Exactly. DS needed root canal while he was at uni and I offered to pay. It cost almost £2,000!

OP, have you looked into costs for the kind of treatment you think he should have? Would you be prepared to pay for them, or half the cost?

If he is wealthy and just not bothered by dental hygiene, you could suggest, once the bereavement grief is lessened, that to give him better romantic prospects he might want to get his teeth checked.

Next time he mentions his teeth say "When are you getting them fixed? Can't wait to see what you'd look like. You'll be so good looking"

Agree with previous poster who suggested doing a deal with him. You buy him some teeth he can buy you some new tits.

My husband had bad teeth when we got married. Once I had the money, I told him to go to the dentist and we'd get them sorted out, which we did - he had to have most of the front ones out at the top and get dentures. The process took about six months and cost about £2k but it was worth it.

So my answer is that this is the kind of thing you sort out together when you are in a settled, long-term relationship, not as a condition of starting a relationship. If your feelings for him, or potential feelings for him, aren't strong enough to overlook the bad teeth for the present, it's probably never going to work out.

Yes, it depends on the issues. If it really is yellow and smelly, then I don’t think many people would enjoy this. Also I’d worry what it said about him. But if it’s more because you want him to actually have veneers, then obviously supercritical!

😂

Fair point well made.

I’m glad you knew the name cause I’d totally forgotten it. I’m pleased you could! I bleached, with dentist stuff once, and wow … regret that consistently since 🙈

I missed her second post somehow so that makes me a tit. I’m a wee bit sensitive obviously

I don’t think this is superficial (unless you want him to get Turkey teeth), teeth are a integral part of our health and presumably you’ll be wanting to get in there.

Just choose your timing and broach it with him, I don’t see that you have any other option if you want to consider a romantic relationship with him. But absolutely not right now while he’s in the depths of grief.

Do you really want to be with someone that would have to be told to sort their teeth out rather than taking that initiative themselves anyway

OP You are right about this issue. You could talk about your own dental hygiene and how often you visit the dentist. This could lead asking how often he goes to the dentist.
Sounds as if he may be frightened of the dentist.
Good luck.

What does bad teeth constitute OP, are they
crooked,
missing,
rotten,
bad breath,
stained,
all of the above?

If it's just how they look, then yes, you are being superficial.

I don't agree that problem teeth are a superficial reason to be put off someone. Maybe it's just me, but I really notice teeth when talking to other people - not if they're just a bit crooked, which many are - but if they are stained brown or there are gaps in the front teeth, I find that really off putting. (Quite like a small gap between the two front ones though - it can be attractive!) A good friend's front teeth have gone rather brown and they make me cringe. I can't understand why she doesn't get them sorted - she isn't short of money and has a husband who must have noticed.

So to me bad teeth are far worse than carrying a bit too much weight or having a less than perfect nose or whatever.

How you'd bring it up though, I'm not sure.