Ex is getting married and his wife to be says my baby cant come

[TreadlngWater]

Im not really sure what to do about this and I might be being unreasonable but I honestly dont know

My ex is getting married in a couple of months and me and our children have been invited, we actually got on really well until quite recently and I thought everything was fine between us

Im 35 weeks pregnant now and obviously the baby will be here by the wedding, I was told by his wife to be that the baby isnt invited which I understand its their wedding and they can invite who they want but I dont feel comfortable leaving my baby for the whole day when they will only be a newborn

She has also said she doesnt want the children to be "unaccompanied" because their dad will obviously be busy getting married and wont be able to watch them the whole time

I dont really understand what she expects me to do because if I bring the baby then apparently thats not ok, but if I dont bring the baby then im expected to leave a newborn somewhere and still go to the wedding?

I could obviously just not go but then the children would miss their dads wedding which I dont think is fair on them either

Ive tried to speak to my ex about it but hes basically saying he doesnt want any drama and that we should just work something out, which is easier said than done

The children are excited about the wedding and have already been talking about it, so I dont want to tell them they cant go because his wife to be doesnt want my baby there

I dont want to cause a problem for them or make their wedding about me, I just dont see how this is meant to work

If you were the wife to be would you expect the mum to leave a newborn at home for this or if you were me would you just say no and not go?

Maybe im being dramatic but I honestly dont feel comfortable leaving the baby and I dont think thats an unreasonable thing to say

Personally tell ex you won't be able to come, that he will need to sort childcare for his children at his wedding, if not HE needs to be the one to tell them they cannot go.
No drama, just lay the facts down to him. Let him figure it out or be the bad guy.

Straight bat back to him. You can't leave the baby. So if he wants his children there it's not your problem to solve. He needs to arrange childcare, if necessary by hiring a nanny.

What would the reaction be if you just turned up with the newborn in a sling?

Cmon now. 3 under six. Of course someone needs to be with them,

I think this is my position too. I am struggling to understand why you’d even go, just tell him with new baby you canr make it, it would be inappropriate anyway and he will need to sort childcare for the day or explain to the kids.

the more I think about it the more aghast I am you were going to go to his wedding. Just to provide child care.

I would also suspect the new wife doesn’t want you there and wants him to organise child care either with family or a nanny and this is her way of ruling you out.

simoly tell him as baby is breastfed and so soon after birth, you can’t make it,of course the kids will be there, but he needs to sort child care.and will now leave it to him to tell you when they will be collected and by whom.

I think other posters have the right idea. They can either accommodate your new baby along with the other children or they can arrange for another relative to watch over them on the day. This is literally their father's wedding day. There will be grannies, grandads, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends. They will be spoilt for choice. You are pregnant and by the time this rolls around you'll be a new mum. That's enough for one person for now I think.

Well yes, someone does. And if the children were all the bride’s and groom’s, they’d have people at the wedding to be with them. But as they’re not the bride’s, I assume there are fewer options.

His wedding, his issue. Tell them you totally understand about the baby however you will be breastfeeding so you will have to bow out and for them to let you know what their plans are to collect/drop back off the children.

Oh ok I feel like an inadequate mum now.

I was a lone parent and couldn’t breastfeed so mine had a bottle. I’m not sure how OP even knows if she will be able to breastfeed until baby arrives as I assumed I would be able to but didn’t pan out like that.

Unless her baby has tongue tie or for some reason her milk does not come in the chances are she can breastfeed. Breastfeeding the world over can be achieved in about 90% of cases. The op however does not need to justify a thing. She does not want to leave a newborn and why should she? It is not her wedding. Their father wants them there so he needs to sort out the circumstances.

The obvious solution would be that his parents look after their Grandchildren at their sons wedding if he/they genuinely want them there? Personally if this were me I’d just say ‘Sorry - I won’t be there. I’ll have a new born baby so life will be busy. If you want your children at your wedding then you’ll have to look after them yourself or ask your parents to help’.

In your position I’d say ‘I don’t want drama either and I am about to give birth, you are going to need to sort the arrangements for the children at your wedding and it’s best I don’t come. Please don’t contact me again unless it’s a solution as I don’t wish to engage in any more conversation about it.’

At my wedding my DH’s daughter (7 at the time) walked me down the aisle…she was a big part of the day and we made arrangements to make sure she was supervised appropriately and dropped off at her mum’s after…wouldn’t have occurred to me that her mum should’ve involved in my wedding and me and my DH’s ex get on fine.

Depends if you are breastfeeding probably. I was so at newborn it was very unpredictable if they would need me!

I really admire you for being willing to go to a wedding at all with a 3-4 week old baby and three small children, OP! I was lucky to put joggers on and walk to the park for some fresh air at that stage. The thought of being trussed up in a wedding outfit and sitting through the hoopla of a marriage ceremony and reception would have sent me running (slowly) for the hills.

Good point about the fact that the kids really don’t seem to be a priority in this new relationship, and to be prepared for that to continue.

I’m sure I’m not the only one that’s slightly gobsmacked that ex’s fiancé has invited his ex to the wedding, when they only split two years ago! Maybe not inviting baby is an indirect way of preventing her going.

I wasn't being unilaterally sneery. It's horses for courses - people vary. I doubt it actually affects the baby very much, at least long term.

I feel sorry for the OP. I was trying to say:

• this is not her problem to solve
• the father should be making active efforts for his children to be there at what they should see as their wedding - and they should be at the top table
• other family members on his side should all be playing their part in looking after the children
• if they still need 'accompanying', short-term childcare can be arranged
• if as a last resort the OP really wanted to support her children, she probably could manage to attend with them for a few hours.

Of course it might not be physically possible in the end - she might still be in hospital, the baby might not take a bottle, etc. But I don't agree that it's completely inconceivable.

I personally would find it difficult to attend: not because of leaving my baby, but because of the supreme awkwardness, awareness of the bride's discomfort, and excruciating chit-chat with former in-laws.

I also think not inviting a babe-in-arms makes absolutely no sense.

It would be very sad if the children don't get to attend, assuming their father's fiancee will have a significant role in their lives.

A 6, 4 and a just turned 3 year old at a wedding will need constant supervision and assistance. Ideally from more then one person, especially when theoretically that one person will have a newborn baby attached to her. What's it gonna be like when one of them needs the loo? She takes all 3 plus the new born? Does the youngest still need a nap? The whole day is gonna be a total PITA. I can imagine extended family of ExH have absolutely no interest in providing childcare either, wanting to enjoy themselves. I certainly wouldn't be trusting anyone to mind them properly in this senario either even if they offered, people would have to curtail their drinking. Is that really going to happen? And unless they are used to being left with complete random strangers a nanny won't work either. I think the only option is not to go I'm afraid. Its a shame for the 6 year old, the other two won't care. Take them somewhere they will actually enjoy themselves instead. Probably preferable to trying to herd 3 small children and new born at your exH wedding.

Oh bugger off. Some people aren't okay with leaving their breastfed newborn. I doubt the OP even wants to go but is being forced into it because the Dad can't be bothered to sort arrangements for his own children out. What would happen if it was the OP and the older kids Dad getting married with no ex to fall back on?

She’s not being forced to go. She can say no, I can’t do that, you need to sort it yourself or tell them.

Yes, sorry I should have said feeling forced to go because she's clearly only been invited to babysit.

I'd just have said no. But as OP hasn't been back maybe she isn't going to go down that route. I can't believe an ex would even expect someone to do that, CFs.

You know I’m not sure, she comes across like she wants to go , she just wants to bring the baby . There is no god I don’t want to go, I’m dreading it stuff, it’s just I don’t know what to do as I can’t bring the baby , I think she wants to go and doesn’t want to miss out.

which is utterly bizzare,

That's a good point.