Ex is getting married and his wife to be says my baby cant come

[TreadlngWater]

Im not really sure what to do about this and I might be being unreasonable but I honestly dont know

My ex is getting married in a couple of months and me and our children have been invited, we actually got on really well until quite recently and I thought everything was fine between us

Im 35 weeks pregnant now and obviously the baby will be here by the wedding, I was told by his wife to be that the baby isnt invited which I understand its their wedding and they can invite who they want but I dont feel comfortable leaving my baby for the whole day when they will only be a newborn

She has also said she doesnt want the children to be "unaccompanied" because their dad will obviously be busy getting married and wont be able to watch them the whole time

I dont really understand what she expects me to do because if I bring the baby then apparently thats not ok, but if I dont bring the baby then im expected to leave a newborn somewhere and still go to the wedding?

I could obviously just not go but then the children would miss their dads wedding which I dont think is fair on them either

Ive tried to speak to my ex about it but hes basically saying he doesnt want any drama and that we should just work something out, which is easier said than done

The children are excited about the wedding and have already been talking about it, so I dont want to tell them they cant go because his wife to be doesnt want my baby there

I dont want to cause a problem for them or make their wedding about me, I just dont see how this is meant to work

If you were the wife to be would you expect the mum to leave a newborn at home for this or if you were me would you just say no and not go?

Maybe im being dramatic but I honestly dont feel comfortable leaving the baby and I dont think thats an unreasonable thing to say

He needs to sort childcare.
It's as simple as that.
Tell him YOU don't want any drama.
Don't engage further about it.

2? And he’s engaged and you’re pregnant both to other people? That’s quick work! If you want to go, I’d expect you to leave the baby with their father for a few hours. If you aren’t fussed about going I’d expect your ex to find appropriate wedding childcare for his children. Is there not a Granny or Auntie or Uncle going who can help?

There is no way you should leave a newborn for the day. You have no idea how the birth will go, whether the baby will take a bottle etc.

Just say if he wants his kids there he needs to find someone to look after them.

Tell them you wont leave such a young baby. You can come and bring the baby or you don't come, and therefore don’t accompany the children. They can decide which solution works best for them. If they have a plan c they can suggest it.

You and your joint children are going to your ExH's wedding? That's quite mature. 👏

I think the BtoB doesn't really want you there and sees you as upstaging her/taking focus off her as the ExW with a baby and his kids, tbh. Couldn't you bring someone along to help? Maybe your ExMiL would like to help manage the children? Make some nice pics of all of you together, too. iyswim. BtoB will love it. And ofc your ExH doesn't want drama ... total chicken shit move.

But, seriously, bring your mum, or someone to help.

yep!

I would stop messaging about it. I’d just send one last text saying you obviously can’t leave a newborn as they need feeding but your kids are still happy to come. He can then work out he will need to sort childcare for the day. Don’t bring it up.

Drop them off at the wedding and your ex will have to look after them.

Throw is back on them. Yes the children will attend and who will be chaperoning the children?

You just need to be clear that you are breast feeding so if the baby's not allowed, you can't attend and you won't therefore be accompanying the children, so their father will need to find one of his relatives ( grandma? or aunty?) to accompany them. It's their wedding rule so don't make it a drama, and just let him work something out, as he so kindly suggested.

You don't need to fret over this. If your ex wants his children there he will find a way that complies with their own rules.

I think new wife has recently decided she doesn't want any of you there and the no new baby rule is the excuse, rather than having to disinvite you and the children..

I would just tell your ex that you will have a nursing newborn, you aren't able to leave nursing newborn, so you won't be able to attend the wedding without the baby. This means you won't be available to bring your mutual children. Then leave it there. It's then his problem to solve. He can find someone else to care for them during the proceedings. His wedding after all, his children.

If they don't go, that's disappointing for them but I'd just be honest. I told my own children they couldn't go to particular weddings in the family due to not being able to leave nursing babies. It wasn't an issue and there was no resentment towards the baby for them knowing. In fact, when one got married, they made a point of inviting all the babies and young children friends and family had so no-one would be excluded.

If you had read the OP, you'd have seen that OP is 35 weeks pregnant, so due in three weeks, and the wedding is in a couple of months, so around eight or nine weeks away.

We can trivially infer that this baby will be around five to six weeks old.

It's a moot point though: his wedding, his contact time, his kids, his problem, not OP's.

Definition on your ex to arrange childcare for his own kids.

You're being weird and making this a self centred narrative - the reality is that they (both of them not just the wife to be) do not want babies at the wedding.

There's nothing unusual about that, it's very common indeed. Your baby is not a special exception just because you used to be married to the groom to be.

So tell your ex to organise someone else to look after his kids at the wedding as you can't leave a newborn.

Message them both in a group chat with the three of you, politely say "I understand completely you don't want babies at your wedding, but I can't leave a newborn. Ex will have to organise someone else to watch our children if he'd like them there, or explain to them why they can't come. Thanks."

This is a nothingburger.

So your ex has told you his own children can only attend his wedding if you attend too, and leave your new baby at home. That's madness! I'd just tell him that obviously you can't leave the baby so will not be there and that he needs to organise his own childcare or explain to the DC that they have been uninvited.

Were you "pumping and dumping" whilst looking after three kids under seven, with your baby less than six weeks old? Because that'a what you are suggesting OP should do with your sneery "velcro mother" slur.

Agree with this message. I totally support not leaving the baby, even if it means you and your children can't go. The baby is your problem, not the wedding. Your ex can solve that one.

It is quite appropriate for a newborn to have a velcro mother anyway.

“Agreed, we definitely need to work something out as the children don’t want to miss the wedding and I can’t leave the baby due to breastfeeding. What did you have in mind Ex-DP?”

Can your baby's Dad stay with baby at venue and you can pop back to check every few hours? Thats what I did at my sisters wedding. Baby was 8 months though but had a family friend mind him in the room and I popped back a couple of times

I think you need to bow out and your ex needs to find someone else to accompany the children. If he can’t be bothered then they don’t go. Don’t sort it out for him.

I wouldn’t want my husband’s ex wife and/or a newborn at my wedding, and I don’t care how mean that sounds.

It is not her problem to sort.

it is her ex's wedding. He's invited his children. He needs to sort out childcare..

The OP was willing to do it for him, but bridezilla is having a strop about her taking her newborn baby, so they have lost the free willing childcare and now need to make alternative arrangements.

This is NOT the OPs problem to sort out

This bairn will be less than six weeks old. The OP will be less than six weeks post-partum.

There will be no "popping back" possible because OP is expected to look after three children under the age of seven single-handed.

Even if "popping back" was an option, why should OP's DP be put out like this just so that OP's exH doesn't have to pay for an event nanny?

You need to take a step back he can organise childcare and getting ready for the 3 kids you stay at home with your baby

The issue here is the new wife is jealous of the baby/ kids and doesn’t actually want the 3 kids there.

I'm guessing she is child free?

I think she has gone along with the kids being there to appease your ex but now it’s close and the reality is his 3 kids that are also YOURS she has to throw a spanner in the system and she knows there is no simple/ easy solution so she may get what she wants which is your kids not to attend sadly.

You should go AND take baby in a sling and say baby’s dad was unwell this morning and you couldn’t not take the kids 😊 ‘but you’ll stay out the way/ in the background’.

Do right by all 4 of your kids as your ex sounds like a wet pair of boxers!

What do you think they would say to you proposing that someone looks after DC for the ceremony then you meet them at the reception with baby too that way the important quiet bit is covered and isn’t an all dayer for someone look after DC
I imagine new wife to be has twigged that she doesn’t want guests cooing over ex wife’s newborn on her wedding day? That’s not your fault but maybe she wasn’t entirely comfortable you being there in the first place