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Original poster

Ex is getting married and his wife to be says my baby cant come

491 replies

TreadlngWater · Yesterday 14:35

Im not really sure what to do about this and I might be being unreasonable but I honestly dont know

My ex is getting married in a couple of months and me and our children have been invited, we actually got on really well until quite recently and I thought everything was fine between us

Im 35 weeks pregnant now and obviously the baby will be here by the wedding, I was told by his wife to be that the baby isnt invited which I understand its their wedding and they can invite who they want but I dont feel comfortable leaving my baby for the whole day when they will only be a newborn

She has also said she doesnt want the children to be "unaccompanied" because their dad will obviously be busy getting married and wont be able to watch them the whole time

I dont really understand what she expects me to do because if I bring the baby then apparently thats not ok, but if I dont bring the baby then im expected to leave a newborn somewhere and still go to the wedding?

I could obviously just not go but then the children would miss their dads wedding which I dont think is fair on them either

Ive tried to speak to my ex about it but hes basically saying he doesnt want any drama and that we should just work something out, which is easier said than done

The children are excited about the wedding and have already been talking about it, so I dont want to tell them they cant go because his wife to be doesnt want my baby there

I dont want to cause a problem for them or make their wedding about me, I just dont see how this is meant to work

If you were the wife to be would you expect the mum to leave a newborn at home for this or if you were me would you just say no and not go?

Maybe im being dramatic but I honestly dont feel comfortable leaving the baby and I dont think thats an unreasonable thing to say

OP posts:
AImportantMermaid · Today 05:11

Francestein · Today 03:43

I would spell out to EXDH that you can’t leave a breastfed newborn at home and can’t be there to supervise your kids. Because Ex’s DF has made it clear that they can’t be unattended you feel like the bride has very cleverly found a way to exclude OP and her DF’s kids. He needs to work this out with her and let you know what suits, and then you will inform the kids if they are unable to attend.

No, he needs to inform the kids if they are unable to attend.

Delilah26 · Today 05:58

AImportantMermaid · Today 05:07

Good grief. It’s their wedding. It’s their job to work out the logistics. The ex is not their project manager. She’ll have just had a baby for a start. It’s totally unrealistic to have it on a 3 hour schedule and then run around looking for babysitters for half an hour every three hours!

What if the baby won’t settle, or one of the kids is grizzly, or the OP is exhausted already from cluster feeding a newborn for 24 hours in the trot? It’s her ex’s wedding and he and his fiance should be grateful the OP is willing to attend the wedding at all so soon after giving birth to provide childcare for them by herself.

Between this and the other, ‘her partner should spend 6 hours sitting in a car park with a new born so she can pop out and feed the baby’ suggestion I really do think some people think we exist purely for the convenience of men.

If they want you at the wedding to provide childcare post partum and alone for 6 hours+ OP, then they make it as easy as possible for that to happen, and the only sensible way to do that is to bring the baby. You’ve already been more than generous by agreeing to do it at all. Especially alone. OP, just drop the ball and tell them to let you know once they’ve made the decision. It is absolutely not your job to sort it out or to manage your children’s expectations.

Show quote history

Well, the baby won't be going and OP has made it clear she wants her kids to go to their dad's wedding.

So this comment doesn't offer any workable advice.

Delilah26 · Today 06:00

AImportantMermaid · Today 05:11

No, he needs to inform the kids if they are unable to attend.

Show quote history

I agree he does need to tell the kids they cannot attend, if he cannot offer a solution. Especially as he also does not want the baby to attend (there's no reason to think otherwise).

As I said, she simply has to message them both, in a group chat and politely state "I can't leave a newborn, I completely understand you don't want babies at the wedding, can you (ex) provide someone to take your children to the wedding and look after them? And if no you will have to let them know they can't attend"

That sorts everything without leaving her having to be involved in sorting out the needs of the bride and groom.

FairKoala · Today 06:06

If your ex doesn’t want drama then him and his wife to be need to stop creating drama

FairKoala · Today 06:13

Exh and his fiance need to come up with a solution or sit dc down and say that they don’t want them there

They changed the invitation so they need to deal with it.

Poodleville · Today 06:16

ShakaWhenTheWallsFell · Yesterday 15:51

Why would there be drama? You reply "Thanks for the invite exhub, I'm not able to leave my newborn, so won't be able to attend. Please make arrangements for our DC to be supervised by one of your attending family members"

This is very much not your problem

This.
I would add:
Let me know who you have in mind and proposed logistics of drop off / pick up.
Your kids are small and it does need to be someone you think is appropriate.
But definitely not your problem to solve.
If he wants them there, he'll make it happen.
If she really doesn't want them there (she clearly doesn't want you), it's not going to happen anyway.

PiMCA · Today 06:29

I really don't understand why you ex is creating drama the claiming he doesn't want any! This is not your problem, let him sort it out with his wife to be and have a nice relaxing day at home with your baby.

MyDeftDuck · Today 06:46

Personally, I suspect the OP was only invited to the wedding to provide childcare for the 3 children from the grooms first marriage. Bride(zilla) wants her soon-to-be step children there too but not OP new partner or OP new baby.
If these three kiddies are to part of this blended family it does seem odd that relationships with GP, aunts/uncles etc haven’t developed to such an extent that the children cannot be supervised during the ceremony and reception. Do the children spend time with their father at all?
This all seems very disfunctional

Happylittlepill · Today 07:27

Lots of spiteful comments aimed at the bride. I doubt she's worried a baby will 'upstage' her, why on earth would it?

It's also not fair for the kids to be palmed off to other family members to be babysat all day. The kids are all very young, need assistance and constant supervision.

Surely the choice is to get a professional nanny/support if both parties insist the kids be there.

diddl · Today 07:35

If my ex wants them there that badly then I think he needs to sort out who is looking after them on the day, rather than just saying he doesnt want drama

Hopefully this is what you have told/will tell him.

Shinyandnew1 · Today 07:41

If they want the kids accompanied, they will need to organise that.

Say, you’ll be feeding the baby which isn’t invited so won’t be there-you’ll drop the kids off at 12…

Let them sort it.

thepariscrimefiles · Today 07:43

ladygin · Yesterday 17:07

So, baby and baby’s dad hang out independently at the venue / nearby / in the car with downloaded TV for baby dad. You come and breastfeed when required. Kids go to the wedding with you as accompanied. But leave as early as possible. A total pain for you and the baby dad but you are adults and can cope. The kids get to see their dad get married which is very important. And you win points for being reasonable and flexible and accommodating

Surely this is a joke post? So OP's new partner and her baby need to sit in a car all day to be on hand when OP needs to breastfeed her baby because her ex-husband can't or won't ask one of his close relatives who are attending the wedding (e.g. his parents or siblings) to take responsibility for looking after his children? How ridiculous!

EnglishRose26 · Today 07:46

Your ex's new wife does not want his children there, and she has come up with an easy way out without looking unkind. The problem is your children are likely to be very upset and blame the baby's arrival (not ideal) instead of their father. It is extremely poor form of their father not to see this.

Your ex will need to pay for a nanny to care for them throughout the wedding, and I would pick them up early. Ceremony and dinner only.

chedderland · Today 07:53

That sounds like a them problem. They can find alternative childcare if they won’t accept your newborn attending.

Viperregency · Today 08:10

Op you clearly have two choices.

leave baby with their father or grandparents, express milk.
tell the children they can’t go and stay home with the new born.

i know neither are ideal, but these are the choices. To be honest, i do not think it would be easy for you to look after 4 young children alone inc a new born at a wedding. It’s too much for one person, so I think you need to decline.

there is one other option, you ask if you can bow out and the two grandparents take the three kids. And I say both grandparents as it will be a lot for one person, you then stay home with your 4th child, the new born,

TallSturdyGirls · Today 08:13

OneNewEagle · Yesterday 15:40

Either your baby’s father has the baby for the day. If he’s not capable of that why have a baby with him.

or your exs parents need to have the children and you don’t attend. I think you will find the new wife doesn’t want you there.

My DH is very capable and I never left our newborns with him for more than a couple of hours.

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