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Original poster

Ex is getting married and his wife to be says my baby cant come

555 replies

TreadlngWater · 09/08/2026 14:35

Im not really sure what to do about this and I might be being unreasonable but I honestly dont know

My ex is getting married in a couple of months and me and our children have been invited, we actually got on really well until quite recently and I thought everything was fine between us

Im 35 weeks pregnant now and obviously the baby will be here by the wedding, I was told by his wife to be that the baby isnt invited which I understand its their wedding and they can invite who they want but I dont feel comfortable leaving my baby for the whole day when they will only be a newborn

She has also said she doesnt want the children to be "unaccompanied" because their dad will obviously be busy getting married and wont be able to watch them the whole time

I dont really understand what she expects me to do because if I bring the baby then apparently thats not ok, but if I dont bring the baby then im expected to leave a newborn somewhere and still go to the wedding?

I could obviously just not go but then the children would miss their dads wedding which I dont think is fair on them either

Ive tried to speak to my ex about it but hes basically saying he doesnt want any drama and that we should just work something out, which is easier said than done

The children are excited about the wedding and have already been talking about it, so I dont want to tell them they cant go because his wife to be doesnt want my baby there

I dont want to cause a problem for them or make their wedding about me, I just dont see how this is meant to work

If you were the wife to be would you expect the mum to leave a newborn at home for this or if you were me would you just say no and not go?

Maybe im being dramatic but I honestly dont feel comfortable leaving the baby and I dont think thats an unreasonable thing to say

OP posts:
AImportantMermaid · 10/08/2026 05:11

Francestein · 10/08/2026 03:43

I would spell out to EXDH that you can’t leave a breastfed newborn at home and can’t be there to supervise your kids. Because Ex’s DF has made it clear that they can’t be unattended you feel like the bride has very cleverly found a way to exclude OP and her DF’s kids. He needs to work this out with her and let you know what suits, and then you will inform the kids if they are unable to attend.

No, he needs to inform the kids if they are unable to attend.

Delilah26 · 10/08/2026 05:58

AImportantMermaid · 10/08/2026 05:07

Good grief. It’s their wedding. It’s their job to work out the logistics. The ex is not their project manager. She’ll have just had a baby for a start. It’s totally unrealistic to have it on a 3 hour schedule and then run around looking for babysitters for half an hour every three hours!

What if the baby won’t settle, or one of the kids is grizzly, or the OP is exhausted already from cluster feeding a newborn for 24 hours in the trot? It’s her ex’s wedding and he and his fiance should be grateful the OP is willing to attend the wedding at all so soon after giving birth to provide childcare for them by herself.

Between this and the other, ‘her partner should spend 6 hours sitting in a car park with a new born so she can pop out and feed the baby’ suggestion I really do think some people think we exist purely for the convenience of men.

If they want you at the wedding to provide childcare post partum and alone for 6 hours+ OP, then they make it as easy as possible for that to happen, and the only sensible way to do that is to bring the baby. You’ve already been more than generous by agreeing to do it at all. Especially alone. OP, just drop the ball and tell them to let you know once they’ve made the decision. It is absolutely not your job to sort it out or to manage your children’s expectations.

Show quote history

Well, the baby won't be going and OP has made it clear she wants her kids to go to their dad's wedding.

So this comment doesn't offer any workable advice.

Delilah26 · 10/08/2026 06:00

AImportantMermaid · 10/08/2026 05:11

No, he needs to inform the kids if they are unable to attend.

Show quote history

I agree he does need to tell the kids they cannot attend, if he cannot offer a solution. Especially as he also does not want the baby to attend (there's no reason to think otherwise).

As I said, she simply has to message them both, in a group chat and politely state "I can't leave a newborn, I completely understand you don't want babies at the wedding, can you (ex) provide someone to take your children to the wedding and look after them? And if no you will have to let them know they can't attend"

That sorts everything without leaving her having to be involved in sorting out the needs of the bride and groom.

FairKoala · 10/08/2026 06:06

If your ex doesn’t want drama then him and his wife to be need to stop creating drama

FairKoala · 10/08/2026 06:13

Exh and his fiance need to come up with a solution or sit dc down and say that they don’t want them there

They changed the invitation so they need to deal with it.

Poodleville · 10/08/2026 06:16

ShakaWhenTheWallsFell · 09/08/2026 15:51

Why would there be drama? You reply "Thanks for the invite exhub, I'm not able to leave my newborn, so won't be able to attend. Please make arrangements for our DC to be supervised by one of your attending family members"

This is very much not your problem

This.
I would add:
Let me know who you have in mind and proposed logistics of drop off / pick up.
Your kids are small and it does need to be someone you think is appropriate.
But definitely not your problem to solve.
If he wants them there, he'll make it happen.
If she really doesn't want them there (she clearly doesn't want you), it's not going to happen anyway.

PiMCA · 10/08/2026 06:29

I really don't understand why you ex is creating drama the claiming he doesn't want any! This is not your problem, let him sort it out with his wife to be and have a nice relaxing day at home with your baby.

MyDeftDuck · 10/08/2026 06:46

Personally, I suspect the OP was only invited to the wedding to provide childcare for the 3 children from the grooms first marriage. Bride(zilla) wants her soon-to-be step children there too but not OP new partner or OP new baby.
If these three kiddies are to part of this blended family it does seem odd that relationships with GP, aunts/uncles etc haven’t developed to such an extent that the children cannot be supervised during the ceremony and reception. Do the children spend time with their father at all?
This all seems very disfunctional

Happylittlepill · 10/08/2026 07:27

Lots of spiteful comments aimed at the bride. I doubt she's worried a baby will 'upstage' her, why on earth would it?

It's also not fair for the kids to be palmed off to other family members to be babysat all day. The kids are all very young, need assistance and constant supervision.

Surely the choice is to get a professional nanny/support if both parties insist the kids be there.

diddl · 10/08/2026 07:35

If my ex wants them there that badly then I think he needs to sort out who is looking after them on the day, rather than just saying he doesnt want drama

Hopefully this is what you have told/will tell him.

Shinyandnew1 · 10/08/2026 07:41

If they want the kids accompanied, they will need to organise that.

Say, you’ll be feeding the baby which isn’t invited so won’t be there-you’ll drop the kids off at 12…

Let them sort it.

thepariscrimefiles · 10/08/2026 07:43

ladygin · 09/08/2026 17:07

So, baby and baby’s dad hang out independently at the venue / nearby / in the car with downloaded TV for baby dad. You come and breastfeed when required. Kids go to the wedding with you as accompanied. But leave as early as possible. A total pain for you and the baby dad but you are adults and can cope. The kids get to see their dad get married which is very important. And you win points for being reasonable and flexible and accommodating

Surely this is a joke post? So OP's new partner and her baby need to sit in a car all day to be on hand when OP needs to breastfeed her baby because her ex-husband can't or won't ask one of his close relatives who are attending the wedding (e.g. his parents or siblings) to take responsibility for looking after his children? How ridiculous!

EnglishRose26 · 10/08/2026 07:46

Your ex's new wife does not want his children there, and she has come up with an easy way out without looking unkind. The problem is your children are likely to be very upset and blame the baby's arrival (not ideal) instead of their father. It is extremely poor form of their father not to see this.

Your ex will need to pay for a nanny to care for them throughout the wedding, and I would pick them up early. Ceremony and dinner only.

chedderland · 10/08/2026 07:53

That sounds like a them problem. They can find alternative childcare if they won’t accept your newborn attending.

Viperregency · 10/08/2026 08:10

Op you clearly have two choices.

leave baby with their father or grandparents, express milk.
tell the children they can’t go and stay home with the new born.

i know neither are ideal, but these are the choices. To be honest, i do not think it would be easy for you to look after 4 young children alone inc a new born at a wedding. It’s too much for one person, so I think you need to decline.

there is one other option, you ask if you can bow out and the two grandparents take the three kids. And I say both grandparents as it will be a lot for one person, you then stay home with your 4th child, the new born,

TallSturdyGirls · 10/08/2026 08:13

OneNewEagle · 09/08/2026 15:40

Either your baby’s father has the baby for the day. If he’s not capable of that why have a baby with him.

or your exs parents need to have the children and you don’t attend. I think you will find the new wife doesn’t want you there.

My DH is very capable and I never left our newborns with him for more than a couple of hours.

kicking · 10/08/2026 09:33

Delilah26 · 10/08/2026 03:13

Er, no.

Her baby is not invited. That doesn't mean for a few minutes, or whatever, just no baby. And if she had someone who could go to the wedding and walk around outside with her baby, she could instead ask them to mind the other kids. She's stated she has nobody to do that.

So, again a polite message to them both in a group chat. "I completely understand you don't want babies at your wedding, unfortunately I cannot leave a newborn behind. Can you please arrange an adult to escort your children (ex) or let them know they are no longer invited. Thanks."

Edited
Show quote history

I dont need your "ew no", thanks love.
Its called trying to offer a solution to the problem, and as I had already stated I agree with everyone else that its his responsibility to organise childcare for his children.
And if you read her updates shes actually coming across as being unhappy she cant attend as she doesnt want other family at the wedding to baby sit her kids and its the length of the wedding that the issue re her baby. If thats how she feels the only options left are

  1. her and kids dont attend
  2. her and kids attend ceremony with or without baby, then leave
  3. dad finds someone else to watch the kids
  4. Dad and bride allow baby to attend so they get the childcare they need
EnglishRose26 · 10/08/2026 09:40

I think realistically you have a long road ahead with the children's new stepmother op. Anyone smart would want to involve and embrace the children and good relations. The fact their limp father is already bleating he doesn't want 'drama' indicates to me at least that the issues with the dc and wedding etc have been a problem for a while. I would distance myself from the whole shit show and be prepared for your children to not be a priority for much longer.

TheOnlyWayIsIlford · 10/08/2026 12:01

user1492757084 · 10/08/2026 03:53

Then work it out, Op.
Inform ex and bride that you realise that it is important for your shared three children to see you as their first port of call, allowing the bride and groom to be as carefree as possible on their special day.

Tell them that you have worked out the only way to care for an uninvited newborn is for the newborn to have it's own carer nearby.

Therefore the newborn's carer (father or Granny) will be in nearby hotel room with baby and pram.

You will attend to the baby for half an hour every three hours so you, personally, will choose a family wedding guest as emergency carer for each older child.

The bride and groom are not to worry; it is all sorted.

Speak to Granny, Grandpa, Aunts etc.
They will happlly watch for one kid for short sessions. Tell each child who their other carer is.

@user1492757084 You really are wasted unless you are on the new baby / breastfeeding boards advising mothers of 3 week old bf babies how to get them settled into this 3 hour routine!

Or maybe you know of a way to have a baby genetically modified to not cluster feed etc?

Also Relationships to advise how the OP persuaded her partner to spend all day in a hotel room to facilitate HER exes wedding … and how to persuade her exes relatives to undertake childcare?

Also, who pays for the hotel room, and is there even one available on site at this late stage?

Switchnow · 10/08/2026 12:15

MademoisellePraline · 09/08/2026 19:52

@TreadlngWater OP, no other children are invited. It's effectively a child free wedding bar the groom's direct children. So no, a baby belonging to neither the bride nor groom is invited. You are invited because you are best placed as their mother to accompany them, because they aren't very old and no, their dad can't try and parent them from the altar as he gets married. It's one day fgs. You're trying to be difficult because you want your own baby, perhaps led by your ego, so people can see very clearly you've found someone else as you coo over a baby.

You very wrongly assumed you could just bring your baby along to a wedding you knew no other children bar the groom's own were at. You've made the error here.

The bride has entered the chat.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 10/08/2026 13:06

user1492757084 · 10/08/2026 03:53

Then work it out, Op.
Inform ex and bride that you realise that it is important for your shared three children to see you as their first port of call, allowing the bride and groom to be as carefree as possible on their special day.

Tell them that you have worked out the only way to care for an uninvited newborn is for the newborn to have it's own carer nearby.

Therefore the newborn's carer (father or Granny) will be in nearby hotel room with baby and pram.

You will attend to the baby for half an hour every three hours so you, personally, will choose a family wedding guest as emergency carer for each older child.

The bride and groom are not to worry; it is all sorted.

Speak to Granny, Grandpa, Aunts etc.
They will happlly watch for one kid for short sessions. Tell each child who their other carer is.

WTF?!?

This is not OP's wedding, not her problem to solve. ExH is being a cheeky fucker even asking her to solve it.

Are you the bride, perchance?

Viperregency · 10/08/2026 13:14

EnglishRose26 · 10/08/2026 09:40

I think realistically you have a long road ahead with the children's new stepmother op. Anyone smart would want to involve and embrace the children and good relations. The fact their limp father is already bleating he doesn't want 'drama' indicates to me at least that the issues with the dc and wedding etc have been a problem for a while. I would distance myself from the whole shit show and be prepared for your children to not be a priority for much longer.

I think this is a bit much drama. Many people wouldn’t want a new born at their wedding, it can be highly disruptive

and if I’m honest, I don’t know how the op will care for 4 children, 6, 4, 2 and a new born, who is breastfed, alone. It will be hard enough keeping the older 3 quiet .

its just a difficult situation as there are so many kids that are so young.

op. Does he not have parents or a sibling who can help? I understand his desire for the children to be there, and understand why he can’t do it. I just don’t understand why you need to be the one to go with them. And I find going to his wedding must be really frigging weird.

the other alternative if he hasn’t got someone who can care for them is hire a nanny for the day , obvs at his expense. Who will take them to the wedding and care for them. Past that I would expect his parents or siblings to bring the kids and care for tnem throughout the day.

OneNewEagle · 10/08/2026 16:19

TallSturdyGirls · 10/08/2026 08:13

My DH is very capable and I never left our newborns with him for more than a couple of hours.

Show quote history

Oh I seem to not know this is how new mums work?

I was a lone parent so my baby was always with me, I thought in a decent relationship all dads are hands on and you do 50/50. If not I was probably better off on my own.

sorry OP ignore my comments.

Tryagain26 · 10/08/2026 16:26

OneNewEagle · 10/08/2026 16:19

Oh I seem to not know this is how new mums work?

I was a lone parent so my baby was always with me, I thought in a decent relationship all dads are hands on and you do 50/50. If not I was probably better off on my own.

sorry OP ignore my comments.

Show quote history

However hands on a father is he can't breastfeed and many if not most bread fed babies don't have bottles

Switchnow · 10/08/2026 16:36

Viperregency · 10/08/2026 13:14

I think this is a bit much drama. Many people wouldn’t want a new born at their wedding, it can be highly disruptive

and if I’m honest, I don’t know how the op will care for 4 children, 6, 4, 2 and a new born, who is breastfed, alone. It will be hard enough keeping the older 3 quiet .

its just a difficult situation as there are so many kids that are so young.

op. Does he not have parents or a sibling who can help? I understand his desire for the children to be there, and understand why he can’t do it. I just don’t understand why you need to be the one to go with them. And I find going to his wedding must be really frigging weird.

the other alternative if he hasn’t got someone who can care for them is hire a nanny for the day , obvs at his expense. Who will take them to the wedding and care for them. Past that I would expect his parents or siblings to bring the kids and care for tnem throughout the day.

Show quote history

Im sort of struggling to understand why he can’t do it. I’ve seen more than one wedding where small children were around and the couple found ways to make them part of the ceremony, give them jobs to do and make sure grandparents/aunts and uncles/trusted friends are nearby. Because they love their kids and want them around, so they made it work. Admittedly this situation is unusual as the kids will only have one side of their family there but that seems like a logistical issue that the father and the bride should have considered before now. How will they cope with other events or activities - where there are fewer people to help out and more strangers? Maybe the bride doesn’t want it to be so obvious that she’s marrying a man who is so flighty.