Ex is getting married and his wife to be says my baby cant come

[TreadlngWater]

Im not really sure what to do about this and I might be being unreasonable but I honestly dont know

My ex is getting married in a couple of months and me and our children have been invited, we actually got on really well until quite recently and I thought everything was fine between us

Im 35 weeks pregnant now and obviously the baby will be here by the wedding, I was told by his wife to be that the baby isnt invited which I understand its their wedding and they can invite who they want but I dont feel comfortable leaving my baby for the whole day when they will only be a newborn

She has also said she doesnt want the children to be "unaccompanied" because their dad will obviously be busy getting married and wont be able to watch them the whole time

I dont really understand what she expects me to do because if I bring the baby then apparently thats not ok, but if I dont bring the baby then im expected to leave a newborn somewhere and still go to the wedding?

I could obviously just not go but then the children would miss their dads wedding which I dont think is fair on them either

Ive tried to speak to my ex about it but hes basically saying he doesnt want any drama and that we should just work something out, which is easier said than done

The children are excited about the wedding and have already been talking about it, so I dont want to tell them they cant go because his wife to be doesnt want my baby there

I dont want to cause a problem for them or make their wedding about me, I just dont see how this is meant to work

If you were the wife to be would you expect the mum to leave a newborn at home for this or if you were me would you just say no and not go?

Maybe im being dramatic but I honestly dont feel comfortable leaving the baby and I dont think thats an unreasonable thing to say

If newborn I think that's likely to be difficult. Paternity leave may have ended. Mum may be ebf, etc. Also, why should she have to? Bride sounds unreasonable to me. Mum shouldn't be needed, those kids should be pretty central to the whole ceremony, and are part of the groom's extended family.

My ex just keeps saying he doesnt want drama and we need to work something out
I think you need to tell him you don't want drama and he needs to work something out with the kids as you'll be with your newborn who is banned from the wedding.

This. His problem.

This is a problem for your ex to solve. Either you come with the baby, or your kids attend on their own. Let him decide which.

Echo what others have said regarding his responsibility to arrange childcare for his children now that you are unable to do so.

The other option is that if not too far to travel and doable for you, your children only attend the ceremony, win win for all, as the children will get to see their dad get married but bride and groom can then enjoy the reception child free. The ceremony doesnt usually last long, they may be willing to let you attend with the baby knowing its only for a short time, or you might be more willing to take your BF/mum/a friend with you who can take baby for a walk whilst you sit in on the ceremony.

I wouldn’t be sending my 3 small children off to a wedding day to be looked after by relatives for the day. Wedding are busy, people drinking etc - I wouldnt trust that they’d be well looked after, and it’s quite a tall order for someone to look after someone else’s 3, 4 and 6 year old over a wedding - weddings can be very long days. I think the OP would struggle anyway with 3 kids plus newborn at a wedding but at least she’d be there to watch her own kids.

For arguments sake. Could you leave your baby with your partner and just attend the actual wedding and not everything else? Or is your ex and the wife to be scared the baby may cry through the ceremony,? You could assure them you will sit at the back. So you can nip outside if your baby becomes upset, seen many mums do that...

Sorry if this has been said, have read @TreadlngWater posts, but not RTFT.

Your children are young, and won't understand what a wedding entails.
So do the church/registery bit with them, leaving your bf with the baby, and leave with them after the service. It'll be an hour, maybe 2, max

Send him a link for a service like this

https://ec-eventnannies.com

because obviously he will want to facilitate his children attending but given you will be freshly postpartum and caring for your newborn as your priority, you won’t be able to attend as his designated childcare.

This. They are both being very unreasonable.

I’d drive to the ceremony with the three kids, the baby and the baby’s dad. I’d take the 3 kids in to watch their father get married whilst leaving the baby with his/her dad. Then as soon as the ceremony is done, I’d take the 3 kids home.

I’d just tell my ex you cannot guarantee you can leave a young baby, so unless he has someone else there to watch them 24-7 then he might want to re-think the invite. He can’t just say you have to make it work so as not to upset his wife.

Agreed. I don’t understand why you are making it your problem. He needs to sort out how the kids will be looked after.

Er, no.

Her baby is not invited. That doesn't mean for a few minutes, or whatever, just no baby. And if she had someone who could go to the wedding and walk around outside with her baby, she could instead ask them to mind the other kids. She's stated she has nobody to do that.

So, again a polite message to them both in a group chat. "I completely understand you don't want babies at your wedding, unfortunately I cannot leave a newborn behind. Can you please arrange an adult to escort your children (ex) or let them know they are no longer invited. Thanks."

This sounds workable. He could just go for a walk for an hour with the baby, or she could and he could stay with the other kids.

She's putting up roadblocks about the boyfriend coming as well though.

I think OP was hoping everyone would say "How awful! Take your baby anyway!" and won't be back.

Even if your baby was allowed I'd personally have found it a nightmare caring for 3 small kids and a baby at a wedding on my own. Probably just as well I only had two! Maybe others are more capable though

I can understand them not wanting a baby at the wedding tbh.
Surely there must be some compromise that can be made so that everyone is happy.

I would spell out to EXDH that you can’t leave a breastfed newborn at home and can’t be there to supervise your kids. Because Ex’s DF has made it clear that they can’t be unattended you feel like the bride has very cleverly found a way to exclude OP and her DF’s kids. He needs to work this out with her and let you know what suits, and then you will inform the kids if they are unable to attend.

But he's obviously more than happy to have no baby at the wedding too, might even have been his idea. Lots of people just don't want babies at their wedding, it's really common.

But yeah, if he wants his own kids there he needs to offer a solution.

Then work it out, Op.
Inform ex and bride that you realise that it is important for your shared three children to see you as their first port of call, allowing the bride and groom to be as carefree as possible on their special day.

Tell them that you have worked out the only way to care for an uninvited newborn is for the newborn to have it's own carer nearby.

Therefore the newborn's carer (father or Granny) will be in nearby hotel room with baby and pram.

You will attend to the baby for half an hour every three hours so you, personally, will choose a family wedding guest as emergency carer for each older child.

The bride and groom are not to worry; it is all sorted.

Speak to Granny, Grandpa, Aunts etc.
They will happlly watch for one kid for short sessions. Tell each child who their other carer is.

Sure.

If it were me……I’d be very mindful of the extreme amount of change these very young children have lived through. They’re very young indeed to have two new step-parents and a new step-sibling in the space of a couple of years. I’d do more than might usually be expected to try and make this ok for them, given both of their parents have contributed to this and need to get handling it right.

So no, I don’t think ‘you sort it or they don’t go’ would be my approach here. Either I’d take them for the ceremony alone (can’t be more than an hour, and is the important bit) or I’d suggest some relatives attending who might be able to help. An alternative could be to take them over to their dad’s whilst he’s getting dressed and get some lovely photos then take them home.

He should do this. It's his wedding. They're not a couple anymore, so don't have to act as a team. He can make it easy for her by allowing the baby, or he can make it possible by sorting other care for his children. OP doesn't have to bend over backwards to get the kids to their father's wedding, who is expecting OP to make all the effort while he makes none.

Gosh, aren't you a bit judgemental?

Good grief. It’s their wedding. It’s their job to work out the logistics. The ex is not their project manager. She’ll have just had a baby for a start. It’s totally unrealistic to have it on a 3 hour schedule and then run around looking for babysitters for half an hour every three hours!

What if the baby won’t settle, or one of the kids is grizzly, or the OP is exhausted already from cluster feeding a newborn for 24 hours in the trot? It’s her ex’s wedding and he and his fiance should be grateful the OP is willing to attend the wedding at all so soon after giving birth to provide childcare for them by herself.

Between this and the other, ‘her partner should spend 6 hours sitting in a car park with a new born so she can pop out and feed the baby’ suggestion I really do think some people think we exist purely for the convenience of men.

If they want you at the wedding to provide childcare post partum and alone for 6 hours+ OP, then they make it as easy as possible for that to happen, and the only sensible way to do that is to bring the baby. You’ve already been more than generous by agreeing to do it at all. Especially alone. OP, just drop the ball and tell them to let you know once they’ve made the decision. It is absolutely not your job to sort it out or to manage your children’s expectations.

Have you ever breastfed? Because it really doesnt often work as "I'll feed the baby one every 3 hours".
Anyways, the dad can sort all the planning rather than "not wanting drama".