SITUATIONSHIP HEARTBREAK

[Anon645]

PLEASE be gentle!

My situationship abruptly ended things yesterday evening. (With a horrible text)

I didn't see it coming as we had had a lovely day/evening together the night before.

He has been in my life for such a long time and I am absolutely devastated at the thought of , being able to see /speak to him again.

I am absolutely heartbroken. Any tips?

Oh OP. :'(

I felt physical pain reading these words. You're just dying for him to come back, and you'll swallow all his lies. Or maybe he won't even have to lie. :'(

It's so undignified. So self-destructive.

You're a sitting duck for abusers in this state.

You teach people how to treat you. This guy knows he can treat you like absolute rubbish and you'll still be panting on his coat-tails. He doesn't respect you, and partly that is because you don't respect yourself. (The other part is that he's an arsehole).

PLEASE get therapy.

I don't know you personally, but I know that you are loveable. You are worthy. You deserve better.

I don’t think so . It was either a last good bye .
OR he has feelings for OP and has gotten cold feet and backed off .

He's either a headfuck or he’s got some sort of personality disorder.

Whatever he is, he has been stringing you along and wasting your time for a very long time. Why? Because he can, he knows he can reel you back in.

Please have some faith in yourself and don’t let him. You deserve so much more 💐

If he does come Back / text you again and you allow it then he is likely to carry on keeping you dangling until one of you dies.

I know at least three women who were in relationships like this for their whole lives, while the on/ off man married other women, divorced them, married other women and had children etc. the side piece women stayed unmarried and hopeful at their sides, often the actual wives knowing about them .

two of those women are dead now, both died unexpectedly and relatively young in their fifties, their whole lives on hold for these men who just dropped them occasional breadcrumbs.
The other is still alive but past her childbearing years, going into retirement alone, with a tiny pension and no significant relationship other than a married man who now lives abroad and sees her only occasionally and briefly

i have a feeling you are the type to settle for this crappy miserable existence of infrequent highs with crashing disappointing heartbreaking lows.
please prove me wrong

What’s happening in the rest of your life? This kind of romantic obsession (and it is obsession when we’re so desperate for them to come back when they’ve treated us with intermittent reinforcement) takes root more easily when we lack a lot of purpose. Do you feel like you’re drifting through things a bit?

Fair enough - can't argue with that! But short of issuing a questionnaire, how do you differentiate from the ones who want FWBs, situationships, just sex etc from those who actually want a relationship? And then you get all this 'are we exclusive' stuff?

There's a high chance he will text you again, when he wants sex. Thing is, if you go for it again you will feel so much worse than now. It will reinforce these feelings that you're not enough for him to have a relationship with, AND he doesn't even care enough about you as a person not to hurt you by using you in this way. After 4.5 years, that hurts. You deserve better, I hope you find it ❤

Its a situation where more often that not Men get more out of it than women!

I think he has probably met someone he sees as The One and wants to be loyal to her. It sounds like a goodbye shag kinda thing. Like a last blast before he committed to this other girl

Possible. I really think you should start seeing other men asap. Have dates, have fun. This is just one guy and there are thousands out there.

There is no logic..some men behave very badly...say what they think women want to hear..have sex with them then lose interest very rapidly and leave. I would keep a very low profile with him no begging or pleading or asking lots of questions. He sounds an unkind man or he is married and just been found out. Have a rest then try a normal dating relationship with someone not a situationship. Take care

Well, that doesn’t sound like situationship territory anymore, does it? That sounds like a relationship. He should never have said those things, to only end them the next day.

You are better off without, OP.

Quite possibly, if he wants to use you for sex. He'll tell you whatever you want to hear to get what he wants, and then leave you heartbroken again when he gets bored/finds what he thinks is a better option.

From the information on this thread, it seems like you might be well served taking a step back from dating altogether, sorting out your boundaries, and not accepting casual sexual liaisons with men when it seems like you'd prefer a committed relationship.

I get that, Anon. I am so sorry for how you are feeling, it's awful.

I think so (and I would mention the £200 if he hasn't sent it to you, that is a fair sum to lose). I would listen to what he has to say and then take a little time to think about it. He may well have panicked, got cold feet, but goodness knows why a man in his forties is like that, understandable twenty years ago.

Above all you must protect yourself, Anon. Being heartbroken is horrible and now he has form for inflicting it.

You said he was finishing training to be a lawyeer; did the training mean he was not earning, or not much?

Try to relax over the next month or so, keep well. We're all with you in this.