SITUATIONSHIP HEARTBREAK

[Anon645]

PLEASE be gentle!

My situationship abruptly ended things yesterday evening. (With a horrible text)

I didn't see it coming as we had had a lovely day/evening together the night before.

He has been in my life for such a long time and I am absolutely devastated at the thought of , being able to see /speak to him again.

I am absolutely heartbroken. Any tips?

The most recent IVF she posted about was as a single mother by choice. So I’m guessing donor sperm but I’m not sure.

I cant stop thinking it's me, im lacking something. Because to throw me away after 4.5 years and a lovely date night I cant help but think that.
Doesn't help me the night I saw him I wasn't looking my best at all compared to normal(chipped nail polish, unplucked eyebrows, fading uneven fake tan that needed removing, and minimal makeup) It makes me upset and annoyed as well that if it is the last night I will ever see him that will be the last memory in his head of me looking like that..

I feel used and abused. :( I hate this feeling.

OP, and I mean this genuinely kindly, because you’re clearly terribly hurt and blindsided, you’re giving ‘What he might have thought/wanted’ way too much headspace. It doesn’t matter what your nail varnish was like. No one ends a relationship because of streaky fake tan or makeup. He didn’t ‘throw you away’, he ended a relationship. And it sounds as if he was right to, because otherwise you’d still be hanging in there, hoping for a proposal, while he pushed the deadline further and further back.

For future reference, no one you’d want a relationship with says ‘Oh, I’ll commit to you at x date. Hang about till then, and then I’ll be available.’

Some nonsense term for nothing. It's just people having sex with no strings attached, but where women often end up catching feelings and wanting strings after all. The men, who have zero love or respect for these women, will lie and confuse these women because it gets them what they want, and keep the women where they want them, for as long as they want them there.

So basically the scenario described in this thread...

That's "situationships" for you. What did you think they were, if not this?

It's just cruel to give someone a deadline (a fast approaching deadline September) if you have no intention of honouring it. It's just completely cruel to that person. X

I know. Just 4.5 year is a bloody long time. Most situationships peter off wayyyy before that. They dont normaly last anywhere near that long.

And the thing is he was literally telling me ir was about to stop being a situationship and become a proper committed relationship (with marriage/relocation even being mentioned by him). So i get what you're saying but because of what he was telling me /how he was acting it wasnt going to remain a situationship but imminently become a relationship. That's why I feel misled.

I feel shitty that he's probably fine and not giving me a second thought.

We did go out on regular dates, have sex, go places and do stuff together too, text, have platonic non sexual affection like kissing and cuddling. It wasnt by any means just sex.
But I get it

He’s met someone else

You set your bar low of what you willingly accepted from this man and he lived down to it.

Players are going to see how little they can do to keep you on their string and do that, no more.

Do you both have children?

Don't go out with anyone who isn't willing to give the same commitment you are OP. No more situationships, they're no good for anyone who isn't just looking for casual sex.

You don't want to talk to this man because he's not nice, he's a liar that has been stringing you along. Please don't spend your time hoping that he'll turn up again at some point.

You deserve much better than this OP - what else do you have in your life? Are you working? A student? Have good friends? Concentrate on those things for now.

First time hearing of it also. Curious!

I just genuinely can't understand how after 4.5 years he can just end it so easily. This meams no more texts /no more meeting up/ no more knowing anything about each others lives from this point on.. That DEVASTATES me. But it seem so easy to him?
I won't find out if he passed his finals and got his dream job 😭
Im just heartbroken.

So you genuinely believe he has deliberately and purposely lied ? You think he deliberately and intentionally lied about wanting to be serious /commited in September? And the marriage /relocation?

I can't think like that. I'd rather someone have changed their mind, than maliciously calculate lying over months and months. It breaks me. Xx

@Anon645 no one is denying that for a second, but as I keep saying, you are ultimately responsible for your own emotional safety and wellbeing. You need to lead any relationship/date/friendship/situation with 'Is this working for me, now? Is this making me feel good, or not?' Not 'Will all this hanging about in suspense have been worth it if he eventually commits to me in September 2026?'

ETA You can't stop someone being cruel or thoughtless, and you can't ever, stop someone ending a relationship. What you can do is not to put yourself in an unequal situation where you know you are emotionally vulnerable because you're way more involved than the other person.

Situationships/friends with benefits/non-monogamous situations only work if you're on the same page. I've a friend who has been in a FWB situation since last December. It works well because she's recently out of a longterm relationship and definitely doesn't want another one yet, the guy is nice, the sex is excellent -- but every time he comes over, she's not making plans for the next time. It's very much 'Thanks and bye.' And she's not wondering about what he thinks/wants. She's focused, as she should be, on whether it's working for her.

When its all really raw, the most important question is WHY. That's only natural.

But over time, you'll realise that he simply didn't want to be in a relationship with you, and you may never get to the bottom of it. I still have no real idea why my first husband left me for an OW. when I asked him what was going wrong for him to need another woman, he couldn't tell me. I spent months pulling it all apart in my head, but even if I'd understood the reasons, it wouldn't change the reality.

Most of us have had a bad break-up OP, and we all pull through. I'm so sorry you're going through this now.

I’ve had one of these. The actions following it all up so you think you’re discerning it correctly, followed by a sudden drop.

the fact is men like this love the fantasy of romance. They like the dinners and the hotels and the hints and tension and fizzy feelings purchased with your time (because there is no intention of following through) and how YOU love THEM in it. And then they don’t actually want a relationship because those are real and not big declarations and dopamine mining.

Thank you x
Im response to the second question 'Will all this hanging about in suspense have been worth it if he eventually commits to me in September 2026?' to me the answer was yes :( as I loved him/so fond of him. And known him for so long 4.5 years.. Waiting a few mere weeks until September for something you really want seemed like nothing. It seemed worth it :(

He also made it sound worth it saying he wanted to make me and his wife, that he'd get a good legal job and have enough money to care for us both etc. (Not that it is all about money for me. I'd have liked him just the same regardless of income/employment )

I agree
used and abused.
block him

I don't think I'm ever going to forget the feeling of him turning over in bed so blase whilst cuddling me (after date night at a hotel and all his promises to me for marriage/relocation /making it offical in September ) and asking me 'have you been on any dates recently?'
Honestly my heart dropped.
I clearly said no and he said 'why not ?' And then 'You should .'
I can't describe the feeling. But I'll always remember it.

@Anon645 I have read all of your posts and it is really sad! As I have posted I hadn’t heard the term before.

It is very sad, you have expressed how hurt and bewildered you are at the sudden end of a relationship you hoped would flourish. Really sad!

He may call you soon with regrets but his ending has done so much harm. The only thing that will heal you is time.

No one knows why he has done this, who are we to speculate? Only he knows why. I guess it is in our nature to wander why, but doing so may prevent you from putting yourself and your feelings first. Your attention is on him, what he has done, why he has done it, why he didi it the way he did it, why did he do it at the time he did it?

It is early days. Have you been heartbroken before?

I don’t think he set out to intentionally hurt you. Knowing how much his decision will hurt you could explain his change of character. Cowardly, but does he have the emotional maturity to do anything else?

He is not for you, it is said on here daily, you do deserve better.

If you do decide to date again, make sure it is with someone that you can meet as equals. Someone that has integrity and is fully willing to commit. When that person comes along, you know it and it all feels easy.

Nice as your time together was he wasn’t really that person because he would have done things very differently if he was.

There are not many people, although they do exist, who consciously wake up and think 'I'm going to hurt people today. I'm going to lie and cheat. I'm going to set out to destroy someone. Because I like doing it'. These people do exist, and God help you if you get mixed up with one of those. But I don't think that's what you had here. It is more likely that he is a weak, selfish man who does and says these things because it's convenient in the moment, or for the next day or week. It gets him what he wants, when he wants it. He will always choose what is easy for him over what is right for both of you. He's entitled, shallow, disrespectful and selfish, selfish, selfish. He doesn't deserve you. Yeet him into the sun and don't look back.