SITUATIONSHIP HEARTBREAK

[Anon645]

PLEASE be gentle!

My situationship abruptly ended things yesterday evening. (With a horrible text)

I didn't see it coming as we had had a lovely day/evening together the night before.

He has been in my life for such a long time and I am absolutely devastated at the thought of , being able to see /speak to him again.

I am absolutely heartbroken. Any tips?

This to me is actually very logical. He wanted to finish the situationship on a high note, and assuage his future conscience by being able to look back on it and feel he treated you well - potentially also with an eye to being able to refer to this wonderful evening and how great you were together when he gets bored of being with the new person or being alone and wants you back.

I think you need to gather your self respect and ensure an absolutely clean break because he is just dangling you on a string. Men know what women want to hear, and they are skilled at spouting it.

With respect and gently, you sound a bit naive (or perhaps young?) and I wish you’d had my dad telling you what was what a few months into this relationship.

Commitment happens when you love each other - it’s not something you put a date on and then from September you’re serious. That’s laughable. If he cared about you and was a decent person, you’d have been exclusive for the last 4.5 years.

Don’t waste your time second-guessing and wondering why - men know how to charm and dangle commitment when they want sex. It doesn’t go any deeper than that. Hold your head high, have nothing more to do with him, focus on your next promotion at work and go
out and find someone decent who does love you.

In what, bullshittery?
I'm sorry but he sounds like an idiot, of course he doesn't have sex with his friends, the vast majority of people don't 🙄Was that meant to make you feel special?
I'm angry on your behalf.

I wish I could show everyone the change in this demenaour yesterday , and how suden it was. He just...changed ? I can't describe it properly. We were cuddling in bed and he just ...changed. His whole face /body language changed.The way he was speaking to me changed. The very blunt abrupt text he sent. It was so out of character and there was literally no warning. Especially after the nice evening/morning we had had. I've never seen him that way before.

Thank you xx

Particularly as it was her 2nd or 3rd round - she didn't seem to be sure which.

But for several years, before this recent change in his behaviour, you were in a casual relationship where you knew you were in love with him and that he wasn’t interested in anything more than casual. That is self-harm, OP. That’s where you recognise this is a potential mess that’s not good for you and walk away. Who knows why he went briefly all warm and fuzzy? For years he wasn’t. That was your warning.

But what exactly are you claiming to not be lying about? I think you telling me, just now, that you weren't with him when you were having your 2nd (or was it 3rd - you were vague about it) round of IVF in April 2026 and now telling us you've been together for the entirety of 2026 is being untruthful which in most people's eyes is lying.

Never thought of it as 'self harm' . But you make a valid point. It's so hard when someone keeps you stringing you along. Like even when he told me he wasnt ready years ago he kept telling me he really liked me and wanted to continue seeing me, and that'd he would be ready eventually. That's why i stayed, it was hard to walk away from because obviously I'd have lost him completely .
And then obviously these past few months he was FINALLY receptive and was saying he now wanted what I wanted all along. That meant everything to me after waiting so long. HE has been the one promising me things, and wanting to be official, and HE has been asking to relocate with me etc..

Its a headfuck seriously .Life can be so unfair. It feels extremely cruel and hugely unfair that I waited so long for him, for him then to demonstrate through his actions and words he was finally ready...and then just pulls the rug from under me and dumps me.
X

I know it doesn't feel like it, but he's really done you a favour.

He isn't a very nice man, doing that to you.

I'm sorry. You must be feeling awful.

But he wasn't ready. He said he'd be ready in September. I mean, that's absolute lunacy. Men who want you, and want a proper relationship with you, they say so. They don't set some completely arbitrary date after which they'd be 'ready'. What's he in training for? He's a game player. I know it's hard but try and forget him. Block him on EVERYTHING.

He enjoys the girlfriend experience without having his emotions involved. He's having a good time.

He also likes to jerk you around and string you along.

Watch some sad movies, listen to some sad songs, spend time with a supportive gf, then pick yourself up and be done.

When it comes to dating and commitment, anything other than an unequivocal "Yes, I want to be in a proper relationship with you!" is really a no.

OP, I'm sorry you're heartbroken, but you do bear some responsibility for sticking around for 4.5 years(!) waiting for him to change his mind. Next time, know your worth. Don't you think you deserve to be with someone who whole-heartedly wants to be with you?

He’s met someone he wants to pursue a relationship with and planned ‘breaking up’ with you in advance of the hotel stay - which was his attempt at treating you to soften the blow, which is what some men think in their twisted logic makes it better - but knowing that you wouldn’t sleep with him if he intended to dump you straight after actually removes your consent and it’s sex under false pretences - so we know what that makes him…

Also - he absolutely owes you that £200 back so please don’t just shrug and write it off - three words - small claims court

I suspect he has been discovered by his wife. Maybe she sent him a message while you were away. Text him with your bank details and ask for the two hundred back. Then block him on everything. The whole wanting to become more serious etc was just a ploy to keep you hanging on.

He probably on some level WAS contemplating a "committed" * relationship with you.

Sadly not because you're wonderful and special: and you ARE wonderful and special, OP (please do NOT doubt this!), but this guy can't see that because all he sees is himself and what he can extract from you.

No, he was contemplating a "committed" * relationship with you because he felt "It's time I settle down because of [whatever social norm e.g. thinks he should have kids]". And/or "it'll be easier when I relocate to Xplace, because OP will help me move and do all the cleaning and cooking and looking after me."

(Or something like this. There's some motivation behind that expensive hotel/cuddling etc behaviour there, and it's not about you, OP, it's All. About. Him.)

And once Mr Prize here had decided "Yes. It's time to settle down" (or whatever), he started thinking, with his mental finger moving over the crowd of women who he thinks will be flattered to pieces to have him choose them,

"Hmm, I believe I will choose OP. She's attractive, good in bed, and obviously head over heels for me, so she'll endlessly tolerate my cheating ** and lack of commitment and careless shit behaviour. Yes, indeed, she will make a great domestic appliance! Yes, OK, I'll go for OP."

And then, when he was PLAYING the committed man in the hotel, he started getting really cold feet. He got thoughts like, "I'm going to be trapped. OP might become like Veronica, who ended up screaming at me for days because she caught me cheating. Or OP might start crying - god, can't abide crying women. Is it worth all the time, energy, and devotion that I'll get from her? God, women are such a bother. Maybe not."

And he freaked out and showed you who he really is: a cold, calculating, emotionally-stunted shit man who will treat you horribly.

That cold face you saw in the hotel: that's the real him, OP. What you've been seeing up until now is his mask.

Honestly, you dodged a bullet.

And btw, he WILL be back. He'll say, "I got scared, I panicked, I love you, I want to spent time with you blah blah blah". He'll lovebomb you, massively future fake you.

OP: don't go back to him. Don't do it. Delete his number, and put your energy into figuring out why you fell so hard for this lizard man.

*I put "committed" in brackets because the word doesn't mean the same thing to him as it does us.
** And he WILL cheat and run off whenever you insist on better behaviour.

You should read "Ghosted & Breadcrumbed: Stop Falling for Unavailable Men and Get Smart about Healthy Relationships" by Marni Feuerman.

Some key quotes:
“Love doesn’t hurt like this. Real love is balanced and reciprocal.”
“You deserve a fulfilled life that includes a loving and responsive partner.”

This guy actually TOLD you he's avoidant/emotionally unavailable. Believe him. And please don't think you can "heal" this man by flinging copious love and support at him. You can't heal someone, they have to heal themselves, and before they can do that, they have to WANT to change. Another quote from the book is:

"You are not the exception to the rule."

I do. I feel horrendous. I really feel awful.

I do. I feel horrendous. I really feel awful.

Unfortunately for me he only told me last night he was emotionally unavailable after after our date night. First time hes ever mentioned it in his own words in 4.5 years.

Also I am so confused/frustrated/hurt because what kind of man if they know they are emotionally unavailable continues to date a woman for a long period of time, asks her if you both can become more serious/committed, says he wants to marry her and asks to relocate with him...
JUST WHY?!

"You are not the exception to the rule."

great quote, I’ll remember this if I ever get involved again.
@Anon645 I was in an awfully confusing relationship, it was meant to be casual and at first it was and we were both very happy with that, it’s all I had space for at the time but as time passed he became more affectionate and wanted to make it a serious relationship, told everyone I was his partner and said he loved me etc and i eventually came around to it and it seemed like we fell in love and I started working towards what I believed to be a serious longterm relationship despite my original casual plans.
it seems like once he ‘got’ me, the effort started to fade away, i didn’t realise at first until I noticed I no longer knew where I stand, we weren’t progressing at all and he was just with me in name alone. He completely changed towards me and I didn’t recognise him anymore.
im so glad we never moved in together , i think on some sense i knew it would end.

I wonder if you also knew deep down that he wasn’t going anywhere with you?

It seems like he gave a LOT Of clues, I’m really confused about the ivf though, if he wasn’t committing to you publicly how did he commit to the IVF? Was it in the early stages and maybe he thought he was in love and went along with it and then realised that longterm you aren’t the best match for each other?

when he changed in demeanour as you described, were you discussing the potential next round of IVF?

maybe he admitted to himself he was stringing you along and regrets that decision to undertake the IVF process , then thought the best way to deal with it is just to cut off the relationship once and for all so you aren’t strung along anymore?

Sorry duplicate posts!

Perhaps the Op is professor Ardey.

I do agree with this to an extent... obviously sex was consensual but obviously I wouldn't have had it with him if I knew what was going to happen the next day. So I sdo understand the 'false pretence ' thing

He's in training to be a lawyer. His finals end in September , that's why he said after September we can officially be together/committed.