Older son from first marriage causing issues

[Mummamia87]

I would value people’s opinion please. I've been with my husband for 12 years, married for 5, and we have a little boy who's 3.

Before we got together my husband was in a long marriage from which he has an adult son, now 29. They haven't spoken since we got together . Yes it was through an affair which I know that was wrong but it wasn't just a fling. His marriage was effectively over, he was deeply unhappy, and we’ve ended up building a wonderful life together. I know that's only my perspective but I'm not here to debate the affair itself - it was a long time ago.

The issue is that every time our son reaches a milestone my husband reminisces about when his older son did the same thing. I completely understand why, but because they're estranged, it almost always ends with him looking sad.

Instead of just enjoying our son's moment, it's overshadowed by grief over the son he no longer has a relationship with.
I'm increasingly resentful that our son's milestones seem to become bittersweet instead of joyful. I want to say to my husband that our little boy deserves to have his achievements celebrated without them immediately becoming a reminder of someone who wants nothing to do with him.

Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way? Is this something I should keep to myself, or is there a kind way to raise it with my husband? Or do I simply need to accept that this is what grief over an estranged child looks like?

I don’t think it’s immature to decide a parents actions where so hurtful that you don’t want a relationship with them.

Clearly we don’t know the details of the deceit, how long it went on for; what emotional and financial impact it had on a teenage boy and his mother.

You can’t just behave badly then tell everyone to suck it up - people have their own moral compasses and can decide some things can’t be forgiven.

Wow.. way to shape the narrative!
Firstly, your H didn't "make a mistake" (unless you would like to take the mantle of mistake on). He knowingly, selfishly, and willingly left his family to fend for themselves while he took himself off to be with you
When you had an affair with his father, you tore that boys world apart. You also damaged his mother and any other familial relationships he had. Old family friends would have disapeared. He will have had to take on resonsibility for his mother (because boys do) and when his dad left, it was effectively the end of his childhood. His world shifted on it's axis and you feel he should get over it because 12 years have passed.
Never underestimate the damage that Dad having an affair and leaving does, so I'm sorry but as a PP said You play stupid games, you win stupid prizes. This is yours. Congratulations.

Not wanting to have contact for the man and woman who tore your family apart whilst you were a teenager isn’t being ‘immature’. He’s not ‘harbouring resentment’. His life was basically ruined by the OP and his father’s actions - that’s not something one can get over easily. Why on earth would he want any relationship with either of these two people???

Why are you blaming the older son?

It isn't your son's fault, but it is your fault for having chosen to bring a child into this situation.

You think that it has been 12 years and your H's older son should get over it. He obviously has a different perspective and he is entitled to not want anything to do with his dad.

You knew the score when you decided to have a child. Did you honestly believe that your husband would be able to experience fatherhood again without it bringing up difficult feelings about the loss of his relationship with his son? Surely this was inevitable?

Typical unrepentant me me me behaviour of a classic OW. It doesn’t really matter if he was unhappy or not, he had the option to divorce and you had the option to refuse an affair and to wait until he was single. You’re both selfish.

By the son’s reaction I doubt it was like you painted it. My parents are divorced and he’s with a different person now, but if he was still with the initial OW I would still not talk to him - and I didn’t for almost 20 years.

I am just like the son - I don’t have a problem with my parents splitting up. I do have a huge problem with my father treating my mother which such absolute disrespect and lying to the whole family. My belief of what kind of man my father was shattered into a million pieces. I could no longer respect him at all and wonder what else he lies about.
First post has nailed it.

Encourage your husband to keep trying to repair with his son, even if nothing comes back. Who knows, one day his son might surprise him and they can re-build something? I hope so as it sounds like it hurts him quite a bit.

The entitlement of men will never fail to surprise me

‘Husband sad and remorseful because our relationship started with an affair. Worried about the impact on our son’

I fixed your title. None of this is the 29 year olds fault. He has removed himself from the situation.

I would guess she’s only about 10 years older than the son.

Older son is 29. His dad cheated when he was 17, maybe 16. That is GCSE/ A'level territory.

I know a few boys whose cheating fathers did it around this time. In each instance the affair totally f*cked up the boys exams and had a detrimental effect on their future prospects and their MH.

I wonder what impact his dad cheating at this age had. If he is not speaking to him, it must have been a big impact.

I'd like to hear his side of the story.

Come on OP, do tell. Did the son complete all his GCSE's to his predicted grades. How did his A'levels go? Is he at the Uni doing the course he should have been at?

How did your affair affect the eldest son?

You lack any self awareness or moral compass. You ripped apart a family and you now have the unmitigated gall to claim that your husbands son is 'causiing problems" because quite rightly he doesnt want anything to do with either of you. That young man is quite right in not wanting either of you anywhere near him. You need to live with the consequences of your actions and accept that neither of you are ever likely to be forgiven for the pain you have caused.

My mum had an affair which broke my parents up when I was about 12. I still speak to and have a good relationship with my mum but I can totally understand your DH's son not pursuing a relationship with him. Things might have been different for me if I had been his age.
I'm afraid you are both reaping what you sowed. Yes, it's not fair on your young child but it's not fair on the older one either. You have both created this situation by having the affair then choosing to have a child.
And your lack of any understanding, empathy or self awareness is shocking.

He feels bad because he should. No matter how dead the marriage, leave FIRST. Affairs cause most divorces to be horribly unamicable and the children feel it. My mum hid my dad's affairs as the reason for the divorce til we were teenagers but I still knew she hated my dad as a young kid, and he revelled in flaunting his frankly dreadful gf and bad mouthed my mum when he could too. Such an unhealthy thing for children. Your husbands son was old enough to see everything going on and feel his mum was betrayed, so he's not been able to have a relationship with his dad.

An affair is a messy start to a relationship so when other subsequent parts are muddled and messy then that's kind of expected tbh.

I was the adult son in this scenario. Someone like you ruined my life. I couldn't give a flying fuck how you feel. Actions have consequences, deal with it.

Actions have consequences and you can't erase history. Relationships that start with an affair will always carry the shadow of the earlier relationship. Your dh would be better off trying to repair the relationship with his actual son today rather than sadly reminiscing about his son as he was many years ago. And you need to stop seeing the son as causing problems- he isn't causing problems, he exists in the world with his own experiences some of which have been painful and difficult and caused by your dh.

Just out of interest, how old are you op and how old is your dh.

tbh you lost me at “I refuse to waste energy” @Mummamia87

Thats your husband’s son. Someone that he loves as much as you love your son. Can you begin to imagine that?

I think this stems from jealousy and insecurity but sadly you cannot erase your husband’s past.

j

The older son isn’t causing issues as your title suggests. You dh misses his son and is feeling the consequences of your joint actions.

Your now-husband decided that shagging a 27 year old was more important to him that being there for his son through his teens, his exam years and all that.

Now he has a wonderful little boy who daily reminds him of the equally wonderful boy he discarded. The sheer scale of what he destroyed is apparent when he looks at his second son and can see the memory of his first.

For the sake of his second son, he needs to deal with that and not burden the child with it, or there's a lot of therapy looming in the boy's future.

However, those feelings are part of the cost of his selfishness and cruelty to his original family.

What on earth? Your title is unfair and cruel. It’s not the son causing issues it’s the two of you. You’re lying in a bed of your own making.

Me and my dd are the same ages as your husband’s children. I couldn’t imagine having a sibling the same age as my child. Your husband is now an old man who seems like he finally regrets his actions. The older son isn’t in the wrong. You and your husband are.

It’s actually the entitlement of women that has surprised me the most in this case! The man just wanted his nob touched.

The woman has her own son now and yet still it’s has though there is some form of lobe that hasn’t fully developed- whichever one deals with empathy and understanding consequence because this woman does not possess either!

There is nothing wrong with leaving an unhappy relationship at all. However, it is wrong to start another relationship before you have actually left. Surely you can see the difference?

As for the first wife and son being vengeful, what's your evidence for this? We know nothing from the OP's posts about the first wife, and all we know about the first son is that he has chosen not to have any contact with his father following the affair. That sounds more like self protection than vengefulness - he is under no obligation to maintain a relationship with a man who has demonstrated that relationships don't matter.

My DH has tried to repair the relationship but he point blank refuses to enage.

Good for him.

He probably finds his having kids 26yrs apart not ideal either.