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Original poster

Older son from first marriage causing issues

676 replies

Mummamia87 · 04/08/2026 19:22

I would value people’s opinion please. I've been with my husband for 12 years, married for 5, and we have a little boy who's 3.

Before we got together my husband was in a long marriage from which he has an adult son, now 29. They haven't spoken since we got together . Yes it was through an affair which I know that was wrong but it wasn't just a fling. His marriage was effectively over, he was deeply unhappy, and we’ve ended up building a wonderful life together. I know that's only my perspective but I'm not here to debate the affair itself - it was a long time ago.

The issue is that every time our son reaches a milestone my husband reminisces about when his older son did the same thing. I completely understand why, but because they're estranged, it almost always ends with him looking sad.

Instead of just enjoying our son's moment, it's overshadowed by grief over the son he no longer has a relationship with.
I'm increasingly resentful that our son's milestones seem to become bittersweet instead of joyful. I want to say to my husband that our little boy deserves to have his achievements celebrated without them immediately becoming a reminder of someone who wants nothing to do with him.

Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way? Is this something I should keep to myself, or is there a kind way to raise it with my husband? Or do I simply need to accept that this is what grief over an estranged child looks like?

OP posts:
Dunnow1 · 04/08/2026 20:05

Regarding the questions you asked in your post, yes, I think you are being unreasonable and yes, this is most likely what grief over an estranged child looks like.
i don’t agree with what you and your now husband did, he could have left his wife, got divorced first before you started a relationship and then things could have been different between him and his son but he didn’t!
it is a shame if it impacts on your husbands parenting and enjoyment of his new son, maybe he can get some counselling to explore his feelings and maybe think about how he can try and repair things with his older son too.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 04/08/2026 20:05

Interesting that you chose a thread title blaming his son for the consequences of your abd your husbands actions.

ItsmeMargo · 04/08/2026 20:05

I think you got your title wrong, OP!

The ‘older son’ isn’t causing any issues: you and your DH created this issue.
No matter how ‘effectively over’ the marriage was, no matter how ‘deeply unhappy’ your DH was, the reality is that rather than end the marriage and do the right thing by his family, your husband decided to sneak around behind his wife and child’s backs. And I bet that 17 year-old kid was left to pick up the pieces, and try and prop up his Mum.

Yes, it’s not your shared child’s fault, but don’t go blaming his half brother: he was a casualty of his DF’s actions.

mtobrokeme · 04/08/2026 20:06

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/08/2026 19:57

He shouldn’t have had another child if he wasn’t going to embrace it and let the child exist independent of the history of your relationship and his guilt about his older child.

Your son didn’t cause any of the angst or drama anymore than the adult child did and he shouldn’t be saddled with a half life or a disengaged father because of it.

All of the FAFO posts so gleeful about it disregard the consequences to a small child who deserves to feel loved in his own right.

I want to say to my husband that our little boy deserves to have his achievements celebrated without them immediately becoming a reminder of someone who wants nothing to do with him.

You absolutely need to say this. You don’t need to reference his older son, just say your shared child deserves to be loved and celebrated and if he needs to get therapy or start journaling or whatever to deal with his shit so he can be a decent dad to your child he needs to get on with it before your son starts to notice and be hurt by it.

Edited

Perhaps he should have started journaling before he left his first son and wrecked that relationship by deciding to stick his cock into something else. The OP knew full well, before she decided to have her little boy with a weak man, the lay of the land and chose to anyway. Yes, her little boy did deserve better but no more than his eldest son and she saw and encouraged him to be the type of father that he is.

Pollyanna87 · 04/08/2026 20:08

Having both a 29-year-old and a 3-year-old just isn’t healthy.

ohbygolly · 04/08/2026 20:09

It says a lot that your thread title is 'Older son from first marriage causing issues'...

Own what you and your husband did. Reap what you sowed.

SilkRoads · 04/08/2026 20:09

Wow, this really wasn't what I expected the thread to be about. Your husband's son is not "causing issues"- he has distanced himself from his father for obvious reasons and his father is sad about it. Welcome to the consequences of your (joint) actions.

Smallestshadow · 04/08/2026 20:10

I’m sure you would be sad in the future if your son didn’t want to know you? You should be encouraging him to try to mend things with him. You can’t just erase his previous family and history. You’re behaving very selfishly.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/08/2026 20:11

Of course he’s sad. Wasn’t it blindingly obvious that this would be a consequence?!? I do think selfishness - which is what it was when you both started out - is one of the traits which you get caught up on eventually.

Error404FucksNotFound · 04/08/2026 20:11

I think you just have to accept it and be supportive.
He's paid a high price to be with you. He understandably has mixed feelings and maybe some regrets.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/08/2026 20:14

Also ‘I’m not here to debate the affair’…it’s literally the entire reason you’re in this mess. What an awful thing you both did to a 17 year old boy. How would you like your son, when he’s 17, to find out his dad (let’s imagine he’s still married to you) is shagging someone closer to his age than his?

Namechangee11 · 04/08/2026 20:16

You're a bit low on the empathy front aren't you. Actions have consequences.

Creepybookworm · 04/08/2026 20:16

Pollyanna87 · 04/08/2026 20:08

Having both a 29-year-old and a 3-year-old just isn’t healthy.

I agree. Someone old enough to have a 29 year old shouldn't have a 3 year old. He should be enjoying a life looking forward to grandkids. No wonder he is wistful. Also the only person not causing issues in this dynamic are the 29 year old and his mother (and the 3 year old obviously).

WiltonGal · 04/08/2026 20:17

The older son isn’t causing any issues. The issues were caused by you and his father when your affair broke up his marriage. Presumably his oldest son has no respect for his father and wants nothing to do with him. That isn’t him causing issues, just that your partner and you are reaping what you sowed.

outerspacepotato · 04/08/2026 20:19

Your husband's oldest son isn't causing your issues of resentment, you are.

You knew your now husband had a kid and you were fine helping split up that family.

Now you're resentful because your husband remembers his first child's milestones and they're estranged and he's oh so sad.

You can't erase his memories of his first kid and their estrangement. That's a stupid expectation. Take your resentment and suck it up.

MarthaLovesLaughing · 04/08/2026 20:19

You say that the first marriage was effectively over before you and H started your affair. And that may well be true. But I'm guessing H's first son didn't get that memo. And therefore H's first son is angry and estranged BECAUSE of the affair

You see the affair as reasonable because the first marriage was over in all but the legals

But not everyone will see that

So YOU and H have created the estrangement and YOU and H have created this sad little situation for your young son

That's one hell of a "you reap what you sow" for you, isn't it @Mummamia87 ?

IronEverything · 04/08/2026 20:19

What exactly is it that attracted you to a man who would ditch his own son for a woman? Yoy then went one step further and thought he was father material? FAFO.

Ansells · 04/08/2026 20:20

So you and your H hurt the lives of those around you, and now he’s starting to feel some regrets and you’re getting upset?

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. No sympathy for you at all OP. You made your bed.

RumPidgeon · 04/08/2026 20:22

Boreded · 04/08/2026 19:25

You both ripped a family apart by having an affair when he was married. He doesn’t get to reminisce now, it’s his own fault.

If he hadn’t behaved so poorly he would still have his son in his life. If you hadn’t acted so poorly you wouldn’t have to witness your own husband feeling so sad.

A marriage might be ‘effectively’ over, but it isn’t over until someone calls time on it. He didn’t do that, he chose to cheat and to hurt his ex-wife, his son isn’t ok with that, tough shit!

Yes and yes 💯

You both behaved awfully and you each deserve to lie in the beds you made for yourself.

Rooroobear · 04/08/2026 20:22

You won’t get any sympathy here. Why are you blaming the son in your title? It was your husbands, quite literal, fuck up!

DaisyDooley · 04/08/2026 20:22

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Boreded · 04/08/2026 20:22

Creepybookworm · 04/08/2026 20:16

I agree. Someone old enough to have a 29 year old shouldn't have a 3 year old. He should be enjoying a life looking forward to grandkids. No wonder he is wistful. Also the only person not causing issues in this dynamic are the 29 year old and his mother (and the 3 year old obviously).

Show quote history

But the issue is he left his wife for OP who is only 10 years older than his son. So he has ended up with a second family and a son whose friends are going to ask whether he is granddad

Newgirls · 04/08/2026 20:24

So the DH is late 50s with a 3 year old? Must feel knackered.

SpottyPyjama · 04/08/2026 20:25

You need to accept that this minor inconvenience in your life is part of the price you pay for screwing over other people.

Would you really prefer it if he was the type of man who could forget his son completely?

DaisyDooley · 04/08/2026 20:25

Error404FucksNotFound · 04/08/2026 20:11

I think you just have to accept it and be supportive.
He's paid a high price to be with you. He understandably has mixed feelings and maybe some regrets.

He’s not the only one who paid a high price though is he?
The innocent OG wife & OG son paid a higher price -plus the little lad who will never know his older sibling and who has an old dad who can’t look at him without seeing his first child.