Older son from first marriage causing issues

[Mummamia87]

I would value people’s opinion please. I've been with my husband for 12 years, married for 5, and we have a little boy who's 3.

Before we got together my husband was in a long marriage from which he has an adult son, now 29. They haven't spoken since we got together . Yes it was through an affair which I know that was wrong but it wasn't just a fling. His marriage was effectively over, he was deeply unhappy, and we’ve ended up building a wonderful life together. I know that's only my perspective but I'm not here to debate the affair itself - it was a long time ago.

The issue is that every time our son reaches a milestone my husband reminisces about when his older son did the same thing. I completely understand why, but because they're estranged, it almost always ends with him looking sad.

Instead of just enjoying our son's moment, it's overshadowed by grief over the son he no longer has a relationship with.
I'm increasingly resentful that our son's milestones seem to become bittersweet instead of joyful. I want to say to my husband that our little boy deserves to have his achievements celebrated without them immediately becoming a reminder of someone who wants nothing to do with him.

Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way? Is this something I should keep to myself, or is there a kind way to raise it with my husband? Or do I simply need to accept that this is what grief over an estranged child looks like?

It's clear you don't want the pain that comes as a consequence of the decisions you both made, but I'm afraid life just isn't like that. There's no such thing as starting with a clean slate. Your dh's life with you and his younger ds comes at the expense of his older ds, and will always be tinged with pain I imagine.

When a parent decides to blow up his marriage, he is also blowing up his family. Your DH may not see it that way, but tat is what he's done. In having an illicit affair with you, @Mummamia87 he demonstrated to his son that you are more important to him than his DS.

You participated in that explosion of your husbands's son's family, @Mummamia87 but neither of you seems to want to take responsibility for that. Your DS is your DH's second son. It's what you signed up for.

Your dismissal of your DH's elder son is casual at best, and scarily lacking in empathy at worst. You can't be much older than him, which probably adds to his resistance to seeing his father.

Actions have consequences, OP.

What could make this better though? Whether or not he was close with his son you would always feel he has done it all before. With the added pressure of having a cheating older husband. It’s what you chose.

The title of this thread really does not match up with the post. How is the adult DS causing issues if he's no contact??

I remember numerous married older senior men sleazing on us twenty somethings at the start of my career. Cannot believe you actually went for it with one?! Cringe.

You may not want to debate the affair, but your past has consequences and your living through them now!

There’s a lot of unhappiness. His son is unhappy, husband is ‘overshadowed with grief’, you are miserable because your husband has more than one son and your son has a father who is overshadowed with grief and a brother he will never know and an old man as a dad.

You shouldn’t have had a child with a man who already had been through the process if you wanted someone who wasn’t going to reflect on his experiences with his first born. It’s completely unreasonable to expect him to behave as if he didn’t have a son already.

He looks sad because he probably is sad that he did what he did. Maybe he has regrets, he’s not a good decision maker, that’s clear, so he likely will spend some of his time contemplating those decisions.

This. I wish young women like the OP had some foresight when they decide an older married father is good husband material for them.
Time and again they naively rush into these situations, flattered into thinking life will revolve around them, because the older married man prioritised them over his family when they were an exciting novelty as he started getting on a bit. Then when the novelty wears off, and they are just another wife, they are shocked that he remembers he had a family already, and they become an inconvenient feature in his life again.

When your son gets to 17 (which will be in the blink of an eye), you will maybe understand a bit more about what your husband did to his family and the impact that will have had on his son's whole life and future.

How awful for him to know that his dad chose to do that to him and his mum at such a vulnerable time in his life when the son should have been planning his first steps to independence.

I think you need to take the 'marriage had been dead...' stuff with a huge pinch of salt. Re-writing history is a classic symptom of infidelity. I think your husband's guilt would be eased and ge might stand a chance with his son if he starts to be more honest with himself about his actions 12 years ago.

I actually agree with you OP. It’s not fair on your son for your DH to be sad at every milestone. What is that going to do to him growing up? It will be damaging for sure. If he can’t manage his emotions around a young child then you have an issue that needs to be raised and if he cannot stop doing it then you need to look at want you can do to protect your child.

There are some really nasty replies on here. The child is innocent and doesn’t deserve sadness at every milestone.

The fact of the matter is, your husband's guilt is (justifiably) the price that he's paying for his poor treatment of his firstborn son. I also believe that a relationship that begins through an affair will eventually get what it deserves from the universe given time (misery!).

DS was 26 when his Peter Pan dad added insult to humiliation by becoming a father again. DS has actually manned up and decided he wants nothing to do with his dad. Good on him.

You clearly have no empathy for your DH's first wife or DC so you deserve non. Your DH having a sad face when your DC reaches milestones, and it making you uncomfortable is a drop in the ocean of the hurt your actions (and your booby prize) have caused others.

I'm sorry for your DC, he doesn't deserve it, but it's you and your DH's fault he is not getting the attention he deserves.

Your actions 12 years ago had and continue to have consequences, some of which may affect your 3 year old, even if indirectly. You made your bed, sorry, you don't get to complain now.

Due to the choices you and your DH made, your child is experiencing the negative consequences. It isn't your son's fault but it also isn't the older child's fault either. It's yours and your DH's so it's entirely up to you two how to manage this.

Also considering the fact that your DH is father to a 29 year old and your username has 87 in it, I think his sons desire to have nothing to do with his dad is entirely valid.

Op sounds like it just bothers her because the older son is a reminder that's she tore apart another woman's family

Unfortunately the way you started the relationship is always going to have bad blood and this is part and parcel of it! You would be completely unreasonable to raise it with your husband, I would try and get him to reconnect with his older son if that is at all possible as he is obviously missing / pinning for him!

So, when your H has another affair, swaps you in for a younger model and moves on to start family number 3, will you think it's to be expected that he should never even give another thought to your son?

Your H has fucked up massively as a father, to the extent that his own child wants nothing to do with him. It's astonishing that you think he should be able to just move on from this, as if it doesn't really matter and as if his first son never even existed. Of course he is going to be deeply troubled by the lack of contact and by how much he let his child down, and of course his younger son is always going to be a constant reminder of how badly he screwed up. What did you expect?

We all have to live with the consequences of our decisions. Given that your relationship began with the betrayal of his wife and child and the destruction of a family, it's really surprising to me that you expect to be able to play happy families now without having to deal with any of the fallout from that. You keep saying it has been 12 years as if everyone should have forgotten about it all by now. Surely you know that some things don't ever get forgotten?

It's also not the older child's fault ☹️ the adults have caused this mess OP Included she should have thought of the consequences when she slept with a married man

People’s marriages break up all the time. Life is messy. People can chose to harbor resentment or move on. Your step son is being immature. You are not being unreasonable but I’m not sure what you can do in these circumstances.

Given the age of his older son, your husband is probably also realizing that there are milestones for both children he won’t see. He is unlikely to be an active involved grandparent - because his older son has excluded him and his younger son is three and he is 55 - 60? He won’t a lot of the milestones with your son.

I assume he has already missed a lot with his older son - Learning to drive, leaving school, university if he went, first job, serious partner.

he is a much older parent - and his younger son will not have any connection to his side of the family after he goes.

He is probably making from you how sad and filled with regret he is. Has he seen a counselor - he sounds like he is in a bad place.

I can't believe you trying to justify yourself and your actions. I like many others here am with his son on this. You make alot of noise about him being an adult but he was a child when this all started. You and his dad have not covered yourselves in glory. Whilst he is unwilling to talk you suck it up and wait.

The point is though, with this harsh "vengeful" behaviour, the first wife and son are confirming what they're really like, as the husband doubtless already knew. So he really needs to accept that he's well off out of it.

Same applies of course when wives leave miserable marriages for sunnier relationships, and in Mumsnet they are of course quite rightly encouraged to do so and applauded when they succeed.

It's just a bit odd that so many posters can't see how they apply completely different standards when it's the husband who manages to escape.

Of course your husband is going to think about when his other son reached this milestone. People who have more than 1 child do. We did this when our second child did something. As grandparents, when our grandchildren do something we remember when our children did this. You cant stop this happening. Of course your husband will be sad when he thinks about his first son and the relationship he had with him that is no more.

It’s interesting that you’ve framed this as the son from a previous marriage causing issues, when he’s clearly doing no such thing. He’s done nothing to cause a single issue.

How would you feel if your kids stopped speaking to you? You sound selfish and lacking in empathy for someone you are supposed to love, who is in a situation you’re partly responsible for. You feel nothing about the absence of his son, so neither should he? Very, very interesting.