Older son from first marriage causing issues

[Mummamia87]

I would value people’s opinion please. I've been with my husband for 12 years, married for 5, and we have a little boy who's 3.

Before we got together my husband was in a long marriage from which he has an adult son, now 29. They haven't spoken since we got together . Yes it was through an affair which I know that was wrong but it wasn't just a fling. His marriage was effectively over, he was deeply unhappy, and we’ve ended up building a wonderful life together. I know that's only my perspective but I'm not here to debate the affair itself - it was a long time ago.

The issue is that every time our son reaches a milestone my husband reminisces about when his older son did the same thing. I completely understand why, but because they're estranged, it almost always ends with him looking sad.

Instead of just enjoying our son's moment, it's overshadowed by grief over the son he no longer has a relationship with.
I'm increasingly resentful that our son's milestones seem to become bittersweet instead of joyful. I want to say to my husband that our little boy deserves to have his achievements celebrated without them immediately becoming a reminder of someone who wants nothing to do with him.

Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way? Is this something I should keep to myself, or is there a kind way to raise it with my husband? Or do I simply need to accept that this is what grief over an estranged child looks like?

This!!

Yes.

OP, stop minimising. If my DF had cheated on my DM I would have wanted nothing to do with him. Nothing.

This in spades, I feel sorry for your little son in all this.

An affair isn't a mistake. It is multiple deliberate decisions not to be honest/truthful. The 17 year old was probably taking qualifications that would allow him to move to the next stage of his young adult life. I hope they went well for him.

One way you could help your husband is to stop being so melodramatic about milestones of a 3 year old. Mostly, they nearly all learn to walk, talk, eat. It's not linear, they do it better some days than others. And in 6 months time you really will have forgotten as they move to the next stage of their development.

Can you link to a thread where everyone is applauding the OP for having an affair?

The title of this thread is absolutely wild

The son is somehow to blame for the father's wistful behaviour and OP's resentment over it

I'm supposing OP would rather he just didn't exist

You can't erase the beginning of your relationship and you can't erase his son from his heart. Your husband sounds way older than you, correct me if I'm wrong, and we know none of the information as to his marriage and how it was for his son as the only person who can verify that is the son.

My dad had affairs, finally my mum kicked him out when i was 8, and when I was about 22 his partner who'd he had thr affair with and was still with, found out he'd been having an affair against her! She had the cheek to come to me and my sister for sympathy, we who were 6 and 8 when she slept with a married man, and through tears said she'd saved our dad as he was so depressed in the marriage to my mum ... the same marriage he begged to be kept in (which he admitted to.me, that he came back to the front door and begged to stay after a few weeks not living with us).

The tales men who have affairs tell to justify their behaviour, and your husbands son must feel strongly to not see his father now, it takes alot for that to happen and he must have been about 17 so fully aware of the hurt his dad caused to the family.

It's a cliche and textbook scenario you and your husband are living, he will be tinged with that sadness for life as he loves his son. My sister doesn't speak to my dad and he's managed to convince himself she is the one in the wrong over the 19 urs of estrangement. Perhaps your husband will becomes as delusional one day and find it easier to live without his child in his life.

Hopefully you don't write off alot of impassioned and "harsh" replies on here as grown up kids of a parent who had an affair, and see that actually the consequences last a lifetime.and remain fresh, so you can treat your husbands son with a bit of empathy instead of viewing him as the enemy to your happiness.

OP, leaving aside the rights and wrongs of this - when you say he is getting sad and reminiscing every time your son reaches a milestone, is he actually doing this right in front of him ie 'oh Jimmy how wonderful your bike riding is, I remember when James first rode a bike (tearing up etc)' or is that a reaction he has in private with you or which just shows in his general mood? As I think these are different things. If it's the former, I think you can absolutely ask him not to bring it up in front of your son (and it would be a bit odd as well in the sense of your son not knowing this older brother). If it's the latter, then that's really about you and you not wanting to be reminded/have this hanging over you. And you can't ask for that, his son and his grief is real.

I also think the best approach would be actually to seek and encourage that reconciliation. It will also impact your son having a brother he doesn't know. You say he hasn't even given your husband a chance to apologize - why hasn't he written him a letter? If he really wants to make amends, then he needs to stop expecting to do so on his terms, and do anything he can to show his son he is sorry and he will never stop being there or loving him, regardless of whether he gets the response he wants.

What? The harsh vengeful behaviour of a teen whose dad buggered off with someone?
what were they meant to shout “huzzah!! How wonderful dad!! Let’s plan a family holiday for ALL!”

I’m the daughter of a very broken home with affairs, etc and I was able to take it all on the chin and navigate the shit show and emotional abuse from my parent, which went on for many years and understand that people are just people and we all need to move on. Not everyone is the same and i have to say I think your step son is bound to think his father is completely ridiculous, having a three year old at his age and might be embarrassed. I don’t want to be harsh because I think some of the responses you’ve had here are unnecessarily negative- but your husband is the one who needs to sort this. He might not ever have the relationship he’d like with the elder son but you need to tell him straight that he must stop projecting this negativity onto your little one. He needs to accept what he’s done and not behave as if he’s a victim in all of this.

Honestly you have to accept that your son is going to suffer because of what you did.
You may be fine with your stepson being collateral damage for you choosing to help wreck his family so you could have the relationship that you wanted, now you have to accept and be OK with the same happening to your son because of the choices you and his father made.
Your husband has finally realised what he lost and is now remorseful and that is only going to grow and if your attitude doesn't change it will turn to resentment against you.

Have some humility and stop with the we all make mistakes minimising of what you and his dad did.
Tell me will you be OK when your husband walks out on you and your son for another woman when your son is doing his final years study and exams at school? Will you tell your son "we all make mistakes"? Or would you be devastated for him?

W0tnow · Today 07:48
People’s marriages break up all the time. Life is messy. People can chose to harbor resentment or move on. Your step son is being immature. You are not being unreasonable but I’m not sure what you can do in these circumstances.

A few people say the son was immature or spiteful. Didn’t the husbands immaturity and OPs naïvety put them in this situation?

Did the husband suggest counselling when he was ‘unhappy’ at home? Or did he meet op , feel flattered that a younger women liked him, got the dopamine hit and then decide his marriage was over? If it was the latter then he was a middle aged cliche. He could have got a convertible car.

The dad chose to lie to his wife, possibly putting her at risk of STDs (because despite what they say about no sex at home we know from this forum and real life that they are often having sex with both women). Cheating is abuse (gaslighting, lying, risk of STDs and mental health issues is abuse). Maybe the son decided he doesn’t want an abuser in his life.

The op is a stranger to the son - he owes her nothing. At some point the younger son will have to live with the knowledge that his father was prepared to walk out on his first son.

Although husband says the marriage was ‘over’ to op it often means I haven’t had the relationship dopamine hit for a long time with my wife (obviously as it was a long marriage). If the son and wife believed otherwise it just reconfirms he’s a liar. Maybe the son doesn’t want a liar in his life.

We don’t know how the wife found out or whether it was the son who found out or if he did that wailing and begging thing that cheats do when they get caught. It’s unlikely OP knows either. She only knows what the husband (a known liar) has told her.

That’s not the son being immature it’s a decision that the son has made. My friend did the same, she’s not immature she just doesn’t want the parent in her life anymore due to their poor decision making and lies.

The cheater doesn’t get to control other people’s reactions to their choices. It’s a mess op and I hope you all find some peace.

"older son causing issues"

Excuse me, he has "caused" absolutely nothing here! That accolade goes fully to you and your husband. The poor guy had his life upended. The son isn't even aware of any of this. That's on your husband being moody and sulky rather than celebrating your son's milestones.

I hope the older son is having a happy life. My own partner as a child saw his mother cheat and break up the family for a man she'd known for two weeks, and while my partner worked to get over it, even eventually becoming friends with the man, his siblings weren't able to get over it, and this wasn't due to lack of effort. Their lives became very hard after the split (think, horrible step siblings when their dad remarried, new school 2 hours one way from their new house, and their dad favouring his new step children).

It is HARD.

So you think his first son should just get over it now? His father smashes up his life at 17 but he needs to forgive and forget? Brazen.
You need to ask yourself how tricky it will be when your son finds out.

Imagine being an OW and actually deliberately choosing to have a child with a cheat who has a track record of leaving his kids behind whenever the next squib to flutter her lashes at him comes along.

Have there been studies on that level of delusion I wonder?

Ah so now you're the adult, you didnt care about being an adult when you are your dh had an affair. Then you were cowards and pathetic. But because others aren't doing what you want they are unreasonable and not being an adult 🤣
You dont get to dictate how others react to your 'mistakes'. I mean I'm not sure how sticking your penis in someone else is a mistake but whatever

Well you say he's overshadowed by grief - and so he should be, stupid, selfish fucking cliche of a man.

You reap what you sow OP. Why did you think it was a good idea to get with an older man with a 17 year old son?

… if he does not want contact that has to be accepted. No issue with DH being sad …

you’re not bothered that your husband is upset. I think a lot of your anger is actually directed at him, but it’s easier to blame the son.

I do think his first son is being unreasonable to point blank ignore him. He has not even given him an opportunity to apologise.

Your DH knew the possible consequences of starting an affair and went ahead anyway: he doesn’t get a say in how people react to his actions.

He is an adult now and must realise that people make mistakes and no one is perfect.

You blew his life up at a very formative age. It’s not like you forgot to defrost the chicken for Sunday dinner. You don’t get to absolve yourselves by saying, hey people make mistakes.

It’s sad the siblings will likely never know each other. Presumably your husband is nearly 60 and you’re about 40. He’s heading for retirement, and is an older dad with less energy then he had when his first son was born. He’s probably remembering the energy he had for a toddler back then, and realising that his second son will experience a very different dad.

You could try and encourage a relationship with his eldest son, instead of being upset at his reactions to his second son. That would be the right thing to do.

Not quite true he has op to blame alongside himself.
I do wonder how long it will take the cheating husband to resent his former mistress/new wife

No issue with DH being sad about that I just don't want that to impact on our son.

You (plural, as in you and your husband) are experiencing the consequences of your actions, behaviour, choices and decisions. It is unfortunate that your joint son has to bear some of these consequences as well, in the same way that it's sad that your husband's older son is also impacted by what you and his father have done.

You need to own your behaviour and take responsibility for the choices that you've made, including the negative consequences for both of the children involved. It's not the older child's fault if the younger one is affected by all of this. It's your and your husband's fault.

The step son is an autonomous human being exercising his right to have a relationship with who he chooses, and not putting the feelings of others before that. Just like his father.

The title of this post is ridiculous and selfish . The older son isn’t “causing issues “ he simply exists in the world . You are so “me me me “. Imagine your partner had an affair and left you and stop seeing your son. There is such a lack of empathy in your post

Dear @Mummamia87 affair or no affair, you are where you are and it is what it is.
I have a very similar situation. DP and I have a 20 year age gap, and although we were both single when we met, his adult daughter hated it. She was 21 when we met and I was 29. I could see it from her perspective to a point, but looking back neither DP or I were patient enough with her. I was frustrated at having a black cloud hanging over a special new relationship and DP was cross that after years of being single when her mother left, he'd finally found happiness and she couldn't just go with it.
Don't get me wrong, she was a little nightmare of passive aggressive comments and entitlement, but most 21 year olds are and we should have been gentler.
Eventually they stopped speaking. No big moment, it just trailed off. Now it has been 7 years with only one message exchanged between them when DPs father died.
We have a daughter together (3 years old) and not very often, but sometimes DP does compare them wistfully and like you, I am caught between frustration and feeling deeply sorry for the way things are.
My advice is simply to let it wash over you in the moment. He is entitled to his feelings and his memories of his first born. Try to let him know that you're open to reconciliation if that is what he wants (I am always mindful that I have some repair owed, and you may not feel that way, but we were proper adults when all of the sourness happened and although it was not our responsibility, we both (from the sound of things) could have steered the ship if we had chosen to).
Your son is still very little. As his own brilliant little personality develops and shines more and more, your DH may drop the comparisons somewhat organically.
I have noticed my DH does it far less now that our daughter is clearly not the quiet little elfin kid he had first time round who was scared of her own shadow. Alice is a bit more robust and ... Let's say spirited! Haha! So those obvious differences sort of set the girls separately in his mind and (I hope) he is able to hold his love for each of them separately too.
The first baby for any parent is something special. It is no use pretending they aren't. But your little lad is special too and I am sure DH delights in him absolutely for all that there might be bittersweet notes within it.
xx

He did it to one son, he’ll probably do it to yours. He’s already sad for his older son and the harm he’ll do to this one too. He’s regretting in real time.

Leopards and spots.