Older son from first marriage causing issues

[Mummamia87]

I would value people’s opinion please. I've been with my husband for 12 years, married for 5, and we have a little boy who's 3.

Before we got together my husband was in a long marriage from which he has an adult son, now 29. They haven't spoken since we got together . Yes it was through an affair which I know that was wrong but it wasn't just a fling. His marriage was effectively over, he was deeply unhappy, and we’ve ended up building a wonderful life together. I know that's only my perspective but I'm not here to debate the affair itself - it was a long time ago.

The issue is that every time our son reaches a milestone my husband reminisces about when his older son did the same thing. I completely understand why, but because they're estranged, it almost always ends with him looking sad.

Instead of just enjoying our son's moment, it's overshadowed by grief over the son he no longer has a relationship with.
I'm increasingly resentful that our son's milestones seem to become bittersweet instead of joyful. I want to say to my husband that our little boy deserves to have his achievements celebrated without them immediately becoming a reminder of someone who wants nothing to do with him.

Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way? Is this something I should keep to myself, or is there a kind way to raise it with my husband? Or do I simply need to accept that this is what grief over an estranged child looks like?

It sounds like he had a child hoping it would replace the void left by his son, and unfortunately for you and your son, it hasn't worked. Now your son is going to grow up with a vague feeling he can't quite put his finger on - that of being second best in the eyes of one of his parents. Unfortunately you can't change how your DH feels and acts, you need to just focus on being the best mum to your DS and always being there for him, rather than this weird obsession with your stepson. Neither of those boys are to blame, but they're both suffering/going to suffer.

You are aware that by 17 years old a person can and will form their own opinions on their parents don’t you? It says a lot that this 29 year old man would still prefer to have nothing to do with his dad. You’d think if OPs husband was such a good example of a dad, his son would have come round, wouldn’t you? But he hasn’t, wonder why! I guess ‘recollections may vary’ come into play here!

The OP says he was unhappy in his marriage and it was effectively over! Ohhh, right! That’s a line that’s never trotted out by a bloke chasing a bit of skirt get a sniff of a shag is it?! Never ever been used before!

You sound so selfish OP. Try to compare tearing this 17 year olds family apart against your 3 year olds milestones (!?!) not being sufficiently recognised!! Get a grip.

I have sought advice as I want to do the latter yet that causes an outrage because, people cannot see beyond an affair.

The sorry truth is you can never get past the affair and pretend it never happened.

That's the point.

You may not wish to face up to that, but that's your bottomline.

Also, the title of your thread OP just says all there is to say about you. Good attempt at passing the blame onto someone else and seeking pity for your own selfish behaviour. You are v v v unreasonable. Wonder if in a few years to come your son will experience what his half brother did? How will you frame it then? Do come back and tell us.

but what are the options now then

the point is that there aren’t any. You will (and unfortunately now your own son - not so funny now is it) forever reap the consequences that both your selfish actions result in.
affairs don’t exist in a vacuum. The entire thing about them is that by their nature, someone else (or more than one) other person get hurt. You. Didn’t. Care. When you hurt people, there are obviously going to be consequences.

to give you an analogy. When someone murders someone, they live the consequences of that for the rest of the life. They don’t get to say ‘well, I know that was wrong, but what are my options now.’

tough shit to all of it. You made your bed.

Your Husband cut his wife and child off without a second glance though didn’t he? He walked out of their day-to-day lives forever.

You may object to PPs pointing out that actions have consequences and respond that it is done, but for your husband it's obviously not.

Of course it's unfair to his youngest (and to you) if he compares his sons often enough that you're sick of it. Him being upset in front of his son is unacceptable though. But do stop blaming the son for sticking to his guns, or it might rub off on your child and he ends up hating a brother he has never met as well. If the son kept in touch with your husband, how soon would whatever little contact they had bother you again?

It's possible he's feeling remorse over having given up on his first family in the first place, I'd just ask him if the birth has made any regrets resurface. He absolutely can have those while still loving you and your son and being happy in your relationship as he gets older.

If he'd really been unhappy most of his marriage, he must have hid it well or would the son have taken such a drastic step...? Would the wife agree the marriage was over when asked?

Did you never tell him to stop pestering the son because it keeps reopening those wounds?

He can learn acceptance in therapy. You should not have to help him because it is not your burden to carry just because you're the OW. You're firstly your son's mother and as his father it's his "duty" not to make his regrets (or grief or whatever it is) overshadow his youngest's growing up.

I expect you to care more about your son than someone else's. And I expect your stepson to care more about his mental balance than what you want.

If your husband can't control himself in front of his younger son, that's on him to sort. Still can't believe you think it's the older son's obligation after everything that happened.

As for "punishing" you, that's on your husband as well. I can't understand why you think anyone else is responsible for his behaviour in front of you? I hope you don't expect your own son to manage your emotions for you and sacrifice himself when you do things that make you sad in future?

Again, I don't think the affair makes you terrible evil people, but I truly don't understand how you could have thought there'd be no repercussions, even after he had another child (with a 26-year age gap!) and everyone involved would just fall into line as it suited you. That's actually more narcissistic than the affair itself.

You and your husband made your decisions based on what was best for you. Why do you not think others might do the same?

OK Putting the affair and the reasons for the older son's upset aside.

Your husband is in very real danger of ending with with two sons whom he has poor relationships with.

One because he abandoned him
And one because he was always made to feel like a consolation prize and was never enough to make your DH fully joyful

Your DH needs to understand this and do something quick sharp. About both of them. Before it's too late.

What does he have to say about it all?

sins of the father will be carried for 7 generations.
yes your son will be impacted and so he should, better to learn young the hard lesson that infidelity and lying has long term consequences.
we all have hard lessons to learn from our family histories this is your family's lesson.

sins of the father will be carried for 7 generations.

Fucking hell I hope not. I've worked very hard to make sure my children don't suffer because of their grandfather's failings and the effect on me, and they're still young but I do believe I am succeeding.

That's the Old Testament though, and even there "every one shall die for his own iniquity: every man that eateth the sour grape, his teeth shall be set on edge".

And they don't believe it anyway.

OP, what has your husband actually done to try to make it up to his son? Back when it was all kicking off. Did he apologise in person and mean it? Did he reassure him that despite his failings, he loved him and wanted to prove it? Did he then take plenty of time and effort to stay in contact and be supportive and present and engaged, continually?

Or did he just assume that time alone would do the job for him, assume his son owed him forgiveness on his terms, and then start handwringing about how sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child?

This is so true.

I have no sympathy for you or your shag partner. You seem to lack even the tiniest bit of empathy and awareness about the massive impact that your affair has had on the life of a young man who had to watch while his world was turned upside down for himself and his poor Mum.

That young man is perfectly entitled now to refuse contact with the man who tore his family apart. I hope your shag partner now is feeling remorse and regret and having to live with it.

I am appalled that you are now whinging about his regret and sadness and insisting he hide it to avoid spoiling your PFBs "milestones". Pity you didnt think about how your actions and how your grubby affair tore apart the life of another child.

These are the consequences you are going to have to learn to live with because your shag partner should have to sit with the discomfort of what he has done and so should you.

Why, because you want that to be true?

Answer the question, yeh?

You’re wishing pain on an innocent child because of the choices his parents made before he was born? You are a monster.

Consequences.

The only way to mitigate consequences of a decision is prior to the decision being made. After that, you have very little control.

You can’t make your stepson heal his relationship with his father. You can’t make your husband stop feeling wistful. The only thing you have control over is yourself.

I think you need to come to a place of acceptance that things will never be perfect. That’s not how life works. One day your little boy will need to hear the truth and come to his own conclusions too.

His marriage was effectively over, he was deeply unhappy

Straight out of ‘The Philanderer’s Handbook’!

Do you understand yet that it's not the son who caused the issues, nor is it his responsibility to try to resolve them?

Do you reckon they "never had sex any more"?

I suppose if you're still married to someone else at the start of "been together 12 years" then it probably does delay things...

😁