Older son from first marriage causing issues

[Mummamia87]

I would value people’s opinion please. I've been with my husband for 12 years, married for 5, and we have a little boy who's 3.

Before we got together my husband was in a long marriage from which he has an adult son, now 29. They haven't spoken since we got together . Yes it was through an affair which I know that was wrong but it wasn't just a fling. His marriage was effectively over, he was deeply unhappy, and we’ve ended up building a wonderful life together. I know that's only my perspective but I'm not here to debate the affair itself - it was a long time ago.

The issue is that every time our son reaches a milestone my husband reminisces about when his older son did the same thing. I completely understand why, but because they're estranged, it almost always ends with him looking sad.

Instead of just enjoying our son's moment, it's overshadowed by grief over the son he no longer has a relationship with.
I'm increasingly resentful that our son's milestones seem to become bittersweet instead of joyful. I want to say to my husband that our little boy deserves to have his achievements celebrated without them immediately becoming a reminder of someone who wants nothing to do with him.

Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way? Is this something I should keep to myself, or is there a kind way to raise it with my husband? Or do I simply need to accept that this is what grief over an estranged child looks like?

You both ripped a family apart by having an affair when he was married. He doesn’t get to reminisce now, it’s his own fault.

If he hadn’t behaved so poorly he would still have his son in his life. If you hadn’t acted so poorly you wouldn’t have to witness your own husband feeling so sad.

A marriage might be ‘effectively’ over, but it isn’t over until someone calls time on it. He didn’t do that, he chose to cheat and to hurt his ex-wife, his son isn’t ok with that, tough shit!

Also aren’t you worried that now he is unhappy with you he will move onto another younger model like I presume he did with you given your 87 username?

Is your DH doing anything to try and mend the relationship with his older DS or just sitting around feeling sorry for himself?

Of course yes your joint DS deserves to be celebrated but it’s unfair of you to feel resentful of his adult DS, your DH had an affair and got himself a whole new family, of course the older DS is going to feel some resentment

He regrets the loss of his child and really it serves both of you right, I just feel sorry for both of the lads in this situation. I’m glad the adult DS has a better moral compass than his Father.

Your H fucked up badly, and paid and is still paying a price. (As is his son, due to his father’s actions and his decisions about how to respond to them).

You were part of that so pay a (much smaller) price too. As does your DC (your H’s DC2).

Play silly games and win silly prizes
You won't find joy on here luv

This is absolutely incredibly unreasonable of you OP.

At least your H seems to have some sense of what he did ripping his old family apart if he actually feels sad about his memories of his first son. You don't seem to have any feelings ofguilt about your part in what happened.

What has your H done to reach out to his older son?

You should strongly encourage your husband to make contact with his oldest child.

You can’t police somebody’s emotions

It’s almost like karma…

Nailed it

Imagine your son never wanting to see you again, wouldn’t you be sad? Could you just get over it and move on?
Not that he has earned the right to feel sorry for himself, this was obviously never going to end well.. I feel sorry for both of his sons.

You fucked up the life of a 17 year old boy and wonder why at almost 30 he wants nothing to do with you or his Dad?

It sounds inconvenient for you to have this hanging over you, but tough shit. You can't just whitewash him out of history. Obviously your DH has some regrets about how things turned out and he can't as easily replace his son with Son Mark II.

Of course he will feel guilty and remember the son whose life he shafted in his formative years, especially when there's another DS who effectively took that DC's place and a DW who seems not to share his guilt.

Exactly, I have a friend whose young daughter is refusing contact with her dad because he had an affair. My friend has really tried to explain to her daughter that she’s fine now and she loves her for her loyalty but she doesn’t want to see her lose her relationship with her dad. Her daughter is still refusing and has said she has no respect for him and doesn’t want to forgive him. He’s probably sat around feeling sorry for himself to. Like they say the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

I think this is the epitome of Fuck around and find out.

Just cos DH misses his son, doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you both to bits. Rather more, probably.

Oh well. I suppose you and your husband fucked around and found out.

Fucking unreasonable. There are not enough words to describe how unreasonable you are and what a turd your husband is.

Enjoy looking over your shoulder, OP!

You are both living with the consequences of your actions . Pity two innocent boys are also living with them. You won't get much sympathy here and tbh do you really think you deserve it ? Have a word with your husband - note I didn't type DH - and maybe he will keep his regret to himself . But he will still feel it . It might even turn to resentment of you but you are as bad as each other .

This I’m afraid op. You, and your DH, may have felt the marriage was over, but that poor 17year old teenager did not know, and was clearly understandably devastated and angry. Your husband is reaping what he sowed here. I feel sorry for both your husband’s sons. You should really be a lot more understanding, given your role in this too, sorry.

That's what you get.

His older son isn't the one causing issues, it is wrong to lay the blame at his door. You need to reframe this for what it is, the consequence of your DH not finishing one relationship before starting another.

He shouldn’t have had another child if he wasn’t going to embrace it and let the child exist independent of the history of your relationship and his guilt about his older child.

Your son didn’t cause any of the angst or drama anymore than the adult child did and he shouldn’t be saddled with a half life or a disengaged father because of it.

All of the FAFO posts so gleeful about it disregard the consequences to a small child who deserves to feel loved in his own right.

I want to say to my husband that our little boy deserves to have his achievements celebrated without them immediately becoming a reminder of someone who wants nothing to do with him.

You absolutely need to say this. You don’t need to reference his older son, just say your shared child deserves to be loved and celebrated and if he needs to get therapy or start journaling or whatever to deal with his shit so he can be a decent dad to your child he needs to get on with it before your son starts to notice and be hurt by it.

He’d be an awful human if he said that the affair was “a long time ago”and not even think about his son. Before you became pregnant, did you discuss the fact that if he was ok with having another child when he had an estranged child?

Your title is very unreasonable. The son isn’t the problem. The problem is that your h had an affair with you and he’s only feeling the consequences now. His oldest isn’t unreasonable to end contact with his dad over the pain he caused. I actually have young adult kids who did the same without any influence from me. I honestly wouldn’t care if they saw their dad but they saw the lies and changes he made and have gone NC one by one.