Older son from first marriage causing issues

[Mummamia87]

I would value people’s opinion please. I've been with my husband for 12 years, married for 5, and we have a little boy who's 3.

Before we got together my husband was in a long marriage from which he has an adult son, now 29. They haven't spoken since we got together . Yes it was through an affair which I know that was wrong but it wasn't just a fling. His marriage was effectively over, he was deeply unhappy, and we’ve ended up building a wonderful life together. I know that's only my perspective but I'm not here to debate the affair itself - it was a long time ago.

The issue is that every time our son reaches a milestone my husband reminisces about when his older son did the same thing. I completely understand why, but because they're estranged, it almost always ends with him looking sad.

Instead of just enjoying our son's moment, it's overshadowed by grief over the son he no longer has a relationship with.
I'm increasingly resentful that our son's milestones seem to become bittersweet instead of joyful. I want to say to my husband that our little boy deserves to have his achievements celebrated without them immediately becoming a reminder of someone who wants nothing to do with him.

Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way? Is this something I should keep to myself, or is there a kind way to raise it with my husband? Or do I simply need to accept that this is what grief over an estranged child looks like?

I'm sure everyone who got their partner through an affair thinks they're one of the few lucky ones where it was a one off. The truth is, however, that the majority of people who cheat do it because they're a cheater, and will do it again given half a chance.

In terms of your issue, it's not his son causing issues, it's your husband's guilt. Of course he thinks of his son, probably every day, and especially when your son does things that remind him of his first born. That's never going to change, and you're even more of a fool if you think it will.

How would your husband apologizing undo the pain and misery he caused his son when he cheated and his son was seventeen? He can't undo the damage he's done to his son. It's done now, the consequences to his soul, personality, happiness, EVERYTHING. He was seventeen and his dad didn't do the decent thing and end the relationship with his mother before beginning a new one. Imagine being seventeen, which is hard work as it is without this shit show starting off. He presumably saw the devastation it caused his mother. His father fucked off with someone else and now he's sorry.
Consequences of your actions, you both hurt him with your actions and selfishness.
He tells you his marriage was dead, plenty of men say that and forget to tell their wives who aren't always on the same page. His (then) wife might of had no clue he felt that way. You reap what you sow and all that.

You are very deluded if you think the SS is the problem.

I have a friend who is sad that his adult DDs won’t have anything to do with his affair partner. Tough. He has tried to claim that they got together after his marriage broke up - nonsense. No one believes that for a minute. It is very obvious to anyone that he was seeing her via a new activity he threw himself into and left their mum when the AP left her DH. He now lives with AP and her DC. Hoping that his own DDs are going to somehow look past all that is ridiculous- he should be grateful that they’re willing to see him occasionally away from his home.

By all means tell him to focus on your DC in those moments but don’t for a minute blame your SS.

”it was a long time ago” you stole someone’s family. You might “get over it” but I certainly wouldn’t. What kind of woman goes after someone’s family!?
I’m sorry but I don’t think I’d even have you as a friend and certainly not near my family.
you made your bed. Sorry you don’t get to have the good life.

harsh but true. I’m not sugarcoating it. You stole a family and made a single mother. If it was over or not that’s none of your business it’s sly.

“Happyjoe · Yesterday 22:45
Yes, you're being unreasonable to be annoyed with your husband for talking about his other son. He lost his son when he got together with you effectively, he is allowed to miss him. Each milestone your son is always going to trigger a memory and I think it's really bloody sad that you can't empathise.”

This. You sound pretty callous and hardhearted, OP. Those are not good qualities.

You both fucked around and now you're at the finding out stage.

You didn’t give a jot about that child when he was 17 years old and now of course he’s described as “an adult who must realise people make mistakes”.

Presumably if you are so concerned about your own DS’s milestones you’d prefer his father didn’t take off during one of his biggest milestones - turning 18 and finishing school.

As for the marriage being effectively over - that old chestnut.

If DH is sad it’s because he did wrong by his son and his son’s mother and these are the consequences.

Unbelievable!

There would have been a time when his ex wife said the same as you, that everything was fine in their marriage and their family unit was secure.

The mistake your husband made was NOT speaking to his then wife and telling her he was unhappy and leaving. Had he done that the relationship with his son might not have been damaged.

Your husband needs to grow the fuck up and stop the “poor is me”. He fucked up big time and he needs to celebrate his youngest son’s milestones. Even if he still had a relationship with his older son, he may still be reminiscing, and you just need to accept that there was a child in his life before your youngest son.

So you wouldn’t grieve the relationship with your son if he cut you off when he was an adult , this is perfectly normal and it taking nothing from your son .

When I found out at the age of 30 that my mother had had an affair I was absolutely devastated and didn’t speak to her for several years. Eventually, we did begin speaking again and 30 years later I actually ended up looking after my by now stepfather after my DM died. Two of my siblings never spoke to my DM again,
I think that if this had all happened when I was 17 it would have been a whole different scenario, much like your stepson.
Both you and your DH have in effect broken his heart by your actions. It’s irrelevant what the state of the relationship was between his parents at the time - you both consciously made a choice to deceive his DM repeatedly. He will never forgive either of you for that and why should he?
Im assuming here that DH would have been around 40 when you had the affair, and around 50 when your Ds was born? How old are you? Did your DSS and his mum struggle financially after the afraid split up the marriage?
Have you tried to speak to your DSS yourself? I’m pretty sure that your DH absolutely regrets the choices he made that have impacted his relationship with his oldest son, that’s just something he’s got to live with. But complaining that he’s reminiscing about his DS1 when in the presence of DS2 is pretty shitty. It’s what all parents of more than 1 child does - ‘he wife, remember when DS1 was 2, he used to do XYZ just like DS2s doing now’.
Your DH should continue to try to build bridges with his son, no matter how much he is ignored, He owes him that much.

I don’t think it’s odd that he misses his son & his other son triggers memories. Thats sounds completely normal tbh.

Well, what you think doesn’t count for much does it? You reap what you sow. Your husband can’t just forget about his first son no matter how much you want him to, so best sleep in that bed you’ve both made.

Oh dear me @Mummamia87

You really are deeply in denial. I wish you good luck. Sadly I'm not sure you're in a mindset to understand how to create good luck

The more I read into affair psychology the more I realise that selfishness and entitlement is at the core of it. And lo and behold we have a thread that just sums this up beautifully!

At least your husband has the wherewithal (and maybe moral compass) to look like a sad sausage at times. Be grateful for that instead of berating it.

Yes you are 100% being unreasonable and actually , selfish.

You had an affair with a married man , you both tore his family apart and ruined a teenagers ( he was a teenager back then ! ) relationship with his father and all you can do is sit there and feel sorry for yourself.

“ is this what grief over an estranged child looks like ? “ , “ … a son who wants nothing to do with him “

Throughout that whole post you admitted guilt very , very briefly with an excuse immediately.

Your son is 3 , he doesn’t understand that daddy is sad when he’s just reached a milestone- this isn’t about sadness for him , it’s your jealousy.

You are both living with consequences of your actions for the pain you caused others 🎻

Karma will always reach you in the end.

Because you and your husband had an affair you will get a v hard time on here. To answer your question it is understandable that your husband would compare both children because he has prior experience. He is reminded of his older child. You can discuss it with him but it may be difficult for him to stop doing it. It's almost like a reflex.

I’m not one to be super harsh about affairs “good people do bad things” “life is complicated” etc etc.

But in turn, you need to equally accept that life is complicated, and your husband is experiencing real grief for his firstborn when he sees your son reaching these milestones. It’s fine to ask him to be mindful of how he expresses this in front of his younger son (just like a parent should be mindful how they express all kinds of grief in front of their children). It is unreasonable to feel resentful that this is how he feels, and telling him so is likely to create distance between you when he hears “don’t grieve the child you lost because of our relationship”.

I would talk to him, but make sure you lead with acknowledging and accepting his feelings are valid, and you only want him to think about how it affects his younger son as he grows up and becomes more aware his dad is upset on his birthdays etc.

What the heck. I think your title imsums up everything. You’re blaming a person who had his life torn apart as a child through no fault of his own.

if your DHs marriage was effectively over maybe he should have prioritised trying to mend that marriage or leaving and prioritising his relationship which his son. How many of those 12 years overlapped with his poor wife? Did he leave when his son his 16?

Yet another sad man who can’t keep his trousers up on the prowl for a younger model -statistics say he will do the same to you

congratulations- you married a man you had a proven track record of prioritising his own wants over his child’s needs. Did his ex wife “not understand him?” Was he “effectively living in a sexless marriage?” Was his wife “akways prioritising his child? “ had they “got nothing in common” any more?

The only question is, why are you surprised?

Just to add - even the title of your thread is ridiculous.

You forgot to mention that the ‘first marriage’ was torn apart by your cheating and that the older son is not causing any problems - he isn’t doing anything , hes just not having people that caused him and his mother immense pain in his life . The problems are your jealousy and your husbands guilt.

I really hope your husband does not do this to you, or you to him because your son does not deserve to suffer the trauma of parents actions like your husbands son has - but I honestly , you would deserve it .

Never has a post made me feel sorry angry ! Self centred people like this actually exist ?!

your husband’s son was born long before you and your husband wrecked his marriage,and will always be his firstborn,whether you like it or not,he has been there and done it all before,I hope they manage to make up through the whole mess that you both created!

You are of course being unreasonable. If the day comes when your son rejects you, can you imagine thinking "Oh well, no matter, I've got a new one now"?
However, you're not as unreasonable as your husband who shouldn't make his 'new' son suffer because his first one rejected him. And yes, your son will pick up on this if he hasn't already.
I think you and your husband need to accept that the world doesnt revolve around either of you and that adults with children can't do what they please without impacting their children.
For you, that means accepting that your husband is never going to be fully happy in your family and his loss will always overshadow things.
For him that means controlling himself and managing his unhappiness in a way that doesn't spoil things for your joint son.
On a practical level, ask him to stop saying those things in front of your son. Tell him if he doesn't it won't be long before you'll have to explain to DS why 'daddy is sad' and that's a conversation neither of you may want to have.

Just had to say beautifully put, so true, thank you @Boreded. (from the mum of a son who doesn't speak to his dad for exactly this reason)

Every decision in life ..comes with consequences
This is your dhs consequences,he misses his older son
Your consequences are having it affect your son .
It's sad ..
But he can't help it ..