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Original poster

Older son from first marriage causing issues

676 replies

Mummamia87 · 04/08/2026 19:22

I would value people’s opinion please. I've been with my husband for 12 years, married for 5, and we have a little boy who's 3.

Before we got together my husband was in a long marriage from which he has an adult son, now 29. They haven't spoken since we got together . Yes it was through an affair which I know that was wrong but it wasn't just a fling. His marriage was effectively over, he was deeply unhappy, and we’ve ended up building a wonderful life together. I know that's only my perspective but I'm not here to debate the affair itself - it was a long time ago.

The issue is that every time our son reaches a milestone my husband reminisces about when his older son did the same thing. I completely understand why, but because they're estranged, it almost always ends with him looking sad.

Instead of just enjoying our son's moment, it's overshadowed by grief over the son he no longer has a relationship with.
I'm increasingly resentful that our son's milestones seem to become bittersweet instead of joyful. I want to say to my husband that our little boy deserves to have his achievements celebrated without them immediately becoming a reminder of someone who wants nothing to do with him.

Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way? Is this something I should keep to myself, or is there a kind way to raise it with my husband? Or do I simply need to accept that this is what grief over an estranged child looks like?

OP posts:
Boreded · 04/08/2026 23:08

faithfultoGeorgeMichael · 04/08/2026 22:50

How old are you OP?

39…so 27 when she had the affair with the dad of a 17 year old.

She will have been closer in age to the son she blames for her husband’s unhappiness.

She will also be younger than the woman her husband cheated on the last time he was unhappy. Wonder what he will do now he is unhappy this time. He is probably yearning for the life he threw away and his second son is reminding him of what he lost.

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/08/2026 23:08

Sleepdeprivedandcaffinated · 04/08/2026 23:04

You tore apart a family. You might not cate but H made a choice that cost him his child. Maybe when your child is older you will actually understand what it might feel like for that to happen. To know that you have caused your child so much pain they never want to speak to you again. To know you’re missing all of the special events in your child’s life because of your own doing. To know you may not be able to meet your grandchildren. Of course he’s going to be sad, assuming you didn’t marry a robot.

You don’t get to now be upset that your H hasn’t just forgotten the fact he actually has another son. He has a history that you are not part of, so of course he’s going to reminisce. That doesn’t get erased because you are playing happy families now.

Beautifully put.

B9waiting · 04/08/2026 23:09

Boreded · 04/08/2026 19:25

You both ripped a family apart by having an affair when he was married. He doesn’t get to reminisce now, it’s his own fault.

If he hadn’t behaved so poorly he would still have his son in his life. If you hadn’t acted so poorly you wouldn’t have to witness your own husband feeling so sad.

A marriage might be ‘effectively’ over, but it isn’t over until someone calls time on it. He didn’t do that, he chose to cheat and to hurt his ex-wife, his son isn’t ok with that, tough shit!

This!

Mapleunicorn · 04/08/2026 23:10

Just to add, you seem to think your husband should be over this by now because it’s been 12 years. What is a reasonable time to get over losing your own child from your life? If my child went no contact with me because of a pain that I had inflicted on them I would be miserable for the rest of my life. You have a son yourself. The fact that you can’t understand why he feels this way is astounding

outerspacepotato · 04/08/2026 23:11

Mummamia87 · 04/08/2026 22:26

I expected some backlash but some people have been quite harsh. I accepted in my post that what we did was wrong but we are 12 years down the line and I refuse to waste my energy on an adult that clearly wants nothing to do with me or his DF. Before you all jump down my throat I understand why that is the case. I also understand he is angry with my DH too but again, if he does not want contact that has to be accepted. No issue with DH being sad about that I just don't want that to impact on our son. As people have said, it is not our son's fault.

My DH has tried to repair the relationship but he point blank refuses to enage. IMO (and I know this wont be welcome) I do think his first son is being unreasonable to point blank ignore him. He has not even given him an opportunity to apologise. He is an adult now and must realise that people make mistakes and no one is perfect.

And no I am not looking over my shoulder. Sometimes people do find the right one second time around, even if that is through an affair. The affair being wrong does not void the connection.

Some great suggestions for therapy and journalling, I will suggest those, thank you.

Edited

You and your husband are feeling the ramifications of his affair with you. Did you really think you could devastate lives and bounce off into the sunset like a couple of pogo sticks, no harm no foul?

You seem to think it's unreasonable to have fallout from your actions that last for very long, even a lifetime. Surprise! It's all interconnected. You can crow all you want about your wonderful marriage but if it was so great you wouldn't be posting here how you resent his son for existing. That's what makes you so unsympathetic.

You get to see that your kid's firsts aren't firsts for your husband. He's been there, done that a quarter century ago. He has regrets about alienating his son with your assistance and he's showing it. So you're mad. And there's not a damn thing you can do about it.

That, sweetheart, is karma.

ItsPickleRick · 04/08/2026 23:12

You don’t want it to impact YOUR son, but you didn’t care about the damage you caused to his son twelve years ago, is that right?

Not really a lot anyone can say. Actions have consequences.

Laurmolonlabe · 04/08/2026 23:14

You can't change what you husband feels- but you can discuss it with him.

Boreded · 04/08/2026 23:17

RubyQueues · 04/08/2026 23:05

Wow. You really have zero self-awareness don’t you?!

How old are you? And how old is your husband? Maybe he’s regretting running off with a younger model at the expense of his first born child?!

OP is 39
Not so DSS is 29
DH is (likely around) 55-65

Basically the OP is the midlife crisis that DH married out of obligation after he obliterated his family.

OP wants to pretend first family didn’t exist, DSS wants to forget OP and DH exist. And somehow the poor guy who had his dad hurt his mum right at the time he was learning how to be a man, is the one to blame 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Bellyblueboy · 04/08/2026 23:17

Your husband betrayed his family and deeply hurt his first wife and son.

that will never change. Your husband swill always be a huge disappointment to his older son, and at some point your younger son will have to understand why he doesn’t know his much older brother.

tour husband feels guilty and sad - of course he does. I am sure he deeply misses his son and wishes it had worked out differently. It’s not fair on his younger son though - he needs to ensure he is masking this feeling and not looking miserable at every school play.

There will be bigger traumas for your husband ahead . For example does he have grandchildren yet? Or has his son got married? All very sad

livelovelough24 · 04/08/2026 23:19

Actions have consequences.

Edenmum2 · 04/08/2026 23:19

Pollyanna87 · 04/08/2026 20:08

Having both a 29-year-old and a 3-year-old just isn’t healthy.

Isn’t healthy?? In what way?

My DH’s eldest from his first marriage is 25 and we have a 4 year old DD together, and he’s just as good a Dad to our daughter as he was to his older one (with whom we’ve both maintained a close bond throughout). The siblings have a gorgeous relationship and adore each other.

He’s mid 40’s and as physically fit as any man I know. I can’t fathom what you think ‘isn’t healthy’ about it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/08/2026 23:19

mtobrokeme · 04/08/2026 23:00

You seem to be under the naive illusion that ‘our little boy’ is more important than ‘his son’! He’s really not. Evidently not. To your husband.

He is to her. Obviously. Evidently. Naturally. She only has one child. She’s never had a relationship with his son. Odd comment.

AutisticMumOf2 · 04/08/2026 23:19

Serves you both righy, karmas a bitch.

Sleepdeprivedandcaffinated · 04/08/2026 23:21

Mummamia87 · 04/08/2026 22:26

I expected some backlash but some people have been quite harsh. I accepted in my post that what we did was wrong but we are 12 years down the line and I refuse to waste my energy on an adult that clearly wants nothing to do with me or his DF. Before you all jump down my throat I understand why that is the case. I also understand he is angry with my DH too but again, if he does not want contact that has to be accepted. No issue with DH being sad about that I just don't want that to impact on our son. As people have said, it is not our son's fault.

My DH has tried to repair the relationship but he point blank refuses to enage. IMO (and I know this wont be welcome) I do think his first son is being unreasonable to point blank ignore him. He has not even given him an opportunity to apologise. He is an adult now and must realise that people make mistakes and no one is perfect.

And no I am not looking over my shoulder. Sometimes people do find the right one second time around, even if that is through an affair. The affair being wrong does not void the connection.

Some great suggestions for therapy and journalling, I will suggest those, thank you.

Edited

An affair isn’t a mistake. It’s a calculated act of ongoing deceit. Every day, every conversation is tainted with his choice to keep lying. It’s insidious. You both made a mockery of the family his son thought he knew, and now he sees his father as he is - a lying, selfish, cowardly person that didn’t care enough about his own family to do the decent and end his marriage first.

So why should he give him the chance to apologise? An apology is for the benefit of your husband, not his son, and his son owes him nothing.

Odditea · 04/08/2026 23:27

So you broke up a family, and are now pissed off that sadness persists because of that rupture?

You’ve tried to ask people to disregard the fact that your marriage started as an affair but I’m sorry the situation you now find yourself in is intrinsically connected to that affair. Your husband is sad because he’s lost something as a result of what YOU and he did together.

It matters not one jot that he was unhappy in his first marriage. He still betrayed his first wife and ripped open his son’s life. No one deserves that.

mtobrokeme · 04/08/2026 23:30

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/08/2026 23:19

He is to her. Obviously. Evidently. Naturally. She only has one child. She’s never had a relationship with his son. Odd comment.

Show quote history

Of course. But she’s not telling herself to disregard the feelings of losing her own son is she? She’s telling her husband to. And he won’t. Because his son is as important, to him, as hers is! ‘Odd’ that you can’t see that!

Mulledjuice · 04/08/2026 23:30

You say "i refuse to waste my energy" on your husband's son, but most of your posts are about him and your anger at his reaction.

Not "my husband seems disengaged from our son because of his guilt over his eldest son from 1st marriage, how do I ensure my own son has everything he needs to feel secure" or "how do I help my husband reconcile his 2 experiences of fatherhood"

Odditea · 04/08/2026 23:30

In response to your question, yes it is absolutely unreasonable to feel this way. You can’t do shit things to other people and then get upset with the consequences.

pinkdelight · 04/08/2026 23:37

Mummamia87 · 04/08/2026 22:14

Why?

Show quote history

Well for a start it's no wonder he's wistful. Your DH went through raising his first child when he was a much younger man. Now he's plenty old enough to be a grandfather to a 3yo, hence he's got a lot of years to look back over and regret the contrast between that first fatherhood and how it's turned to estrangement. Pretty hard to invest in idealising the set up with his new son knowing how it went last time. Takes more suspension of disbelief than he can muster without getting sad. Sounds like you have some to spare, but you can't make him get past the loss in order to play happy families like everything will go happy ever after. When you start a relationship that way, it's the risk you take and live with.

Pushingback · 04/08/2026 23:41

YABVU

His actions have the consequences of losing his relationship with his first born.

It is bittersweet. It is sad. It’s his fault. He caused this.

Play silly games, win silly prizes.

OneAquaFatball · 04/08/2026 23:54

one of the most cut and dried YABU I’ve ever seen on here. This is the lying in it part of the bed you made when you hopped into his mum’s. Life ain’t fair so deal with it just like he’s had to.

FashionVixen · 04/08/2026 23:59

”His marriage was effectively over.” Lols. I expect that’s what he’ll tell your replacement too.

Scout2016 · 05/08/2026 00:05

What do you mean his son is being unreasonable by not giving him chance to apologise? What difference would that make? His son cut him off 12 years ago and does not want to make up, an apology won't make any difference. You can try to minimise all you like by calling it "a mistake" but an affair is not a mistake! If your DH had an affair now and apologised would it all be OK for you and your son?
Your DH is sad because he has no relationship with his son and only himself to blame, and your son will be a constant reminder of what he's thrown away. You need to come to terms with that.

FashionVixen · 05/08/2026 00:09

Mummamia87 · 04/08/2026 22:26

I expected some backlash but some people have been quite harsh. I accepted in my post that what we did was wrong but we are 12 years down the line and I refuse to waste my energy on an adult that clearly wants nothing to do with me or his DF. Before you all jump down my throat I understand why that is the case. I also understand he is angry with my DH too but again, if he does not want contact that has to be accepted. No issue with DH being sad about that I just don't want that to impact on our son. As people have said, it is not our son's fault.

My DH has tried to repair the relationship but he point blank refuses to enage. IMO (and I know this wont be welcome) I do think his first son is being unreasonable to point blank ignore him. He has not even given him an opportunity to apologise. He is an adult now and must realise that people make mistakes and no one is perfect.

And no I am not looking over my shoulder. Sometimes people do find the right one second time around, even if that is through an affair. The affair being wrong does not void the connection.

Some great suggestions for therapy and journalling, I will suggest those, thank you.

Edited

Of course your poor little boy is and will continue to be impacted by the consequences of your and his father’s terrible choices. He’s competing with a rose-tinted ghost. Way to set up a child for a lifetime of therapy.

Ohcrap082024 · 05/08/2026 00:17

17 is a really tricky age. A levels, 6th form, college etc. Not to mention trying to decide what to do next with your life. Uni, more college, work, travel. 17 year olds tend to have a lot on the plate and need a lot of gentle support from their parents.

So for your step son, instead of support from his Dad, his Dad was off fucking his OW. Brutal but true.

Your DH feels guilty even if you don’t. That’s why he makes those comparisons. Counselling might help because you are right, none of this is your DS’s fault. But your DH does need to confront his actions and his guilt.