Older son from first marriage causing issues

[Mummamia87]

I would value people’s opinion please. I've been with my husband for 12 years, married for 5, and we have a little boy who's 3.

Before we got together my husband was in a long marriage from which he has an adult son, now 29. They haven't spoken since we got together . Yes it was through an affair which I know that was wrong but it wasn't just a fling. His marriage was effectively over, he was deeply unhappy, and we’ve ended up building a wonderful life together. I know that's only my perspective but I'm not here to debate the affair itself - it was a long time ago.

The issue is that every time our son reaches a milestone my husband reminisces about when his older son did the same thing. I completely understand why, but because they're estranged, it almost always ends with him looking sad.

Instead of just enjoying our son's moment, it's overshadowed by grief over the son he no longer has a relationship with.
I'm increasingly resentful that our son's milestones seem to become bittersweet instead of joyful. I want to say to my husband that our little boy deserves to have his achievements celebrated without them immediately becoming a reminder of someone who wants nothing to do with him.

Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way? Is this something I should keep to myself, or is there a kind way to raise it with my husband? Or do I simply need to accept that this is what grief over an estranged child looks like?

This situation has zero to do with your step-son. Your husband feels guilty over the part he played in the affair, and in the process destroyed his relationship, with his then 17 year old son. The marriage might have 'effectively been over', but your husband chose to cheat on his ex wife, instead of ending the marriage. Of course, his son was devastated, at 17 he had much more understanding than a young child would have had.

Yes, your son should be enjoying his milestones and your husband should celebrate those along with you. However, you can't stop your husband from feeling, the way he does. Those milestones remind him of when his eldest son reached the same. If natural for him to think of that time.

No, you shouldn't say anything to your husband. Has your husband tried to make amends with his eldest son? Has he apologised to him, for the hurt he's caused?

I feel very sorry for him and although I rarely say this, would he have some counselling or talking therapy. It is a grief reaction, no matter how it came about, no matter how those on the outside might see the son's behaviour as valid or justified

So for you both, he needs support to manage these feelings.

In time no doubt they will form a realtionship again

He was 17 when you and your husband got together?

Yep, this. He didn’t just leave his wife. He left his 17 year old son at a crucial time in his life (A Levels, threshold of adulthood). That poor lad would have been devastated.

You reap what you sow, I’m afraid.

Yes YABU. You both need to take some accountability for the situation. You both blew the family apart, if his marriage was over he should have left/you should have waited until he left, before begining the affair. There was always going to be fallout and its likely to last for a while. Hopefully things will improve over time for everyone's sake, but you'll both have to suck it up in the meantime.

Absolutely this.
He doesn't atone for hurting his older child, by being a subpar parent to another child.
He needs to seek help to deal with the havoc he's wreaked, so he can hopefully repair the relationship with the older boy; and be a good father to the younger one.
@Mummamia87 , you must speak to him about it too.

Can you for one moment imagine what it must be like for your DH?

If you can’t, imagine losing your son forever.

Can you really not comprehend what that must be like?

You must be emotionally inept and/or extremely self centred if you don’t get it.

And seriously regretting some very stupid selfish decisions he made just over a decade ago. I can see the resentment and knackardness only getting worse and worse now.

How do you know ops age? But eww yes re the age difference, am sure op won’t be back but how did you meet @Mummamia87?

I know a few men who have lost touch or gone very low contact with children. None of them have got over it, it’s their child, always in the back of mind. Why doesn’t he do more to get back in touch.

I’d say that you caused issues for your stepsons family, not him causing issues for yours.

How is the son causing issues? It’s your husband and his guilt about it all causing issues

Yes, this is what grief over an estranged child looks like.
That's the price the pair of you pay.

Yes Yabu to resent him thinking about his first son. It’s very sad that their relationship ended due to your affair. I’m not here to judge that, these things happen but you give the impression of being resentful that he had a life/child before you.

My dad had an affair with a woman 15 years younger than my mum when I was early teens. My mum was left heartbroken I had to witness her crying herself to sleep and trying to rebuild her life after 20 years of marriage. My dad had a new family and it eventually led to estrangement. I know he loved me and never understood why he didn’t didn’t try and reach out and make and effort to fix things or just say sorry.
he died suddenly last year and I am left with the complex emotions of that damaged relationship. The children of affairs are affected significantly. I would encourage your husband to reach out to his son while he can as he clearly feels the loss. One day it will be too late.

🤦‍♀️

I can’t even begin to fathom why you didn’t realise this would happen.

I do think you just need to accept that this is your first child but all your exciting “firsts” he has already done, so they won’t be as exciting to him.

Also, if it’s hard to witness his sadness then you might have an inking of how his son feels when he is supporting his mother.

This is incredibly sad. But honestly, did neither of you consider that this might happen? In my experience, people who have affairs often don’t consider the implications and impact on other people, including their children, but I suppose that lack of consideration is a prerequisite to have an affair.
And I truly hope the title of your thread was AI created because I can’t see how any of this is the older son’s fault?

This!!
Exactly this.

You chose this . Your son together isn't his first experience of parenthood . He can't just erase a while other lifetime of memories and experience pre you . This is just one of the consequences of having children with someone who has had previous marriages and family's.

Try and reframe it in your mind. Of course he misses his son but must be glad to get chance to have a relationship with this child and realise how precious these moments are.

I dont think you can ask him do anything differently he feels how he feels and it is understandable. Doesn't make him love your son together any less.

Actions have consequences - you'd have thought being adults you'd have both learnt by now 😂

Totally agree with this.
His older son was 17 at the time and obviously went through the heartache of seeing his father have an affair and then leave him and his mother.
You obviously don't want to debate the affair because it wasn't your pain or loss.
You are resentful that he remembers his first son and then feels sad.
I think that you are selfish, having broken up a marriage, you would now prefer your husband never mentions or thinks about his first family, then that would really make you happy.

Oh, look. If it isnt the consequences to your own actions.

Wrong thing to focus on. Can’t imagine being married to someone who didn’t have a relationship with their child. What has your dh done to try and rebuild the relationship?