Active discussions

Help protect children from gaming harms.

Take our survey

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Older son from first marriage causing issues

676 replies

Mummamia87 · 04/08/2026 19:22

I would value people’s opinion please. I've been with my husband for 12 years, married for 5, and we have a little boy who's 3.

Before we got together my husband was in a long marriage from which he has an adult son, now 29. They haven't spoken since we got together . Yes it was through an affair which I know that was wrong but it wasn't just a fling. His marriage was effectively over, he was deeply unhappy, and we’ve ended up building a wonderful life together. I know that's only my perspective but I'm not here to debate the affair itself - it was a long time ago.

The issue is that every time our son reaches a milestone my husband reminisces about when his older son did the same thing. I completely understand why, but because they're estranged, it almost always ends with him looking sad.

Instead of just enjoying our son's moment, it's overshadowed by grief over the son he no longer has a relationship with.
I'm increasingly resentful that our son's milestones seem to become bittersweet instead of joyful. I want to say to my husband that our little boy deserves to have his achievements celebrated without them immediately becoming a reminder of someone who wants nothing to do with him.

Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way? Is this something I should keep to myself, or is there a kind way to raise it with my husband? Or do I simply need to accept that this is what grief over an estranged child looks like?

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/08/2026 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Minnie798 · 04/08/2026 21:33

How is his older son causing issues, he's entirely absent from your lives.
Your dh is never going to feel truly happy whilst estranged from one of his dc, I mean how could he. Look at what he has lost.
Has he tried to reconcile with his older son.

wildnwilde · 04/08/2026 21:34

This whole op leads me to believe you are relieved and encouraged the estrangement. I can't imagine how insecure you would be if he was a active part of your life .

utahsainthood · 04/08/2026 22:13

wildnwilde · 04/08/2026 21:34

This whole op leads me to believe you are relieved and encouraged the estrangement. I can't imagine how insecure you would be if he was a active part of your life .

This, I can’t believe your H hasnt had contact with his son for 12 years!

Original poster
Mummamia87 · 04/08/2026 22:14

Pollyanna87 · 04/08/2026 20:08

Having both a 29-year-old and a 3-year-old just isn’t healthy.

Why?

OP posts:
sittingonabeach · 04/08/2026 22:17

Maybe he shouldn’t have had another child until he had sorted out the relationship with his first child.

i assume he must be quite an old dad too

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/08/2026 22:20

YABU

FAFO

yesohno · 04/08/2026 22:26

Your header suggests the elder son is himself causing issues.
It is not him - it’s you and your husband.

Im glad your husband feels guilty. You should too.

Original poster
Mummamia87 · 04/08/2026 22:26

I expected some backlash but some people have been quite harsh. I accepted in my post that what we did was wrong but we are 12 years down the line and I refuse to waste my energy on an adult that clearly wants nothing to do with me or his DF. Before you all jump down my throat I understand why that is the case. I also understand he is angry with my DH too but again, if he does not want contact that has to be accepted. No issue with DH being sad about that I just don't want that to impact on our son. As people have said, it is not our son's fault.

My DH has tried to repair the relationship but he point blank refuses to enage. IMO (and I know this wont be welcome) I do think his first son is being unreasonable to point blank ignore him. He has not even given him an opportunity to apologise. He is an adult now and must realise that people make mistakes and no one is perfect.

And no I am not looking over my shoulder. Sometimes people do find the right one second time around, even if that is through an affair. The affair being wrong does not void the connection.

Some great suggestions for therapy and journalling, I will suggest those, thank you.

OP posts:
cadburyegg · 04/08/2026 22:30

You have a distinct lack of self awareness, if your dh is giving off the same vibes no wonder his son isn’t interested

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/08/2026 22:32

"Our little boy"
v
"His son"

Wow, no wonder he wont speak to his father if he is with you.

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/08/2026 22:36

Mummamia87 · 04/08/2026 22:26

I expected some backlash but some people have been quite harsh. I accepted in my post that what we did was wrong but we are 12 years down the line and I refuse to waste my energy on an adult that clearly wants nothing to do with me or his DF. Before you all jump down my throat I understand why that is the case. I also understand he is angry with my DH too but again, if he does not want contact that has to be accepted. No issue with DH being sad about that I just don't want that to impact on our son. As people have said, it is not our son's fault.

My DH has tried to repair the relationship but he point blank refuses to enage. IMO (and I know this wont be welcome) I do think his first son is being unreasonable to point blank ignore him. He has not even given him an opportunity to apologise. He is an adult now and must realise that people make mistakes and no one is perfect.

And no I am not looking over my shoulder. Sometimes people do find the right one second time around, even if that is through an affair. The affair being wrong does not void the connection.

Some great suggestions for therapy and journalling, I will suggest those, thank you.

Edited

So your whole argument is "Yeah I helped your dad cheat on your mum and break up your family, security and happiness but get over it!!! It was 12 years ago! I know it hurt you and your mum really badly but ffs.... move on!"

SeasideDaisy · 04/08/2026 22:42

Why an earth did he decide to have another child when he’s older son hadn’t spoken to him in 9 years?
Why did you think this was a good idea, you must of both realised it would have been further rubbing salt in the wound, or did you think a baby would erase the memory of the love he had for his first child.

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/08/2026 22:44

SeasideDaisy · 04/08/2026 22:42

Why an earth did he decide to have another child when he’s older son hadn’t spoken to him in 9 years?
Why did you think this was a good idea, you must of both realised it would have been further rubbing salt in the wound, or did you think a baby would erase the memory of the love he had for his first child.

BEcause she is, at a guess, 20 odd years younger and "its different".

Itsrainingloadshere · 04/08/2026 22:44

Your title is wrong on this post. You and the person you had an affair with have caused this issue. Poor 17 year old boy having a cheat and liar for a father.

Did you think there would be no long lasting consequences from your actions?

serves you right.

Happyjoe · 04/08/2026 22:45

Yes, you're being unreasonable to be annoyed with your husband for talking about his other son. He lost his son when he got together with you effectively, he is allowed to miss him. Each milestone your son is always going to trigger a memory and I think it's really bloody sad that you can't empathise.

gotmyselfintoapickle · 04/08/2026 22:45

Mummamia87 · 04/08/2026 22:26

I expected some backlash but some people have been quite harsh. I accepted in my post that what we did was wrong but we are 12 years down the line and I refuse to waste my energy on an adult that clearly wants nothing to do with me or his DF. Before you all jump down my throat I understand why that is the case. I also understand he is angry with my DH too but again, if he does not want contact that has to be accepted. No issue with DH being sad about that I just don't want that to impact on our son. As people have said, it is not our son's fault.

My DH has tried to repair the relationship but he point blank refuses to enage. IMO (and I know this wont be welcome) I do think his first son is being unreasonable to point blank ignore him. He has not even given him an opportunity to apologise. He is an adult now and must realise that people make mistakes and no one is perfect.

And no I am not looking over my shoulder. Sometimes people do find the right one second time around, even if that is through an affair. The affair being wrong does not void the connection.

Some great suggestions for therapy and journalling, I will suggest those, thank you.

Edited

It’s not your son’s fault, it’s not HIS son’s fault either. He doesn’t have to accept his Father’s ‘mistake’ nor does he owe him forgiveness.

Unfortunately this is the bed you have both made so now you need to lie in it.

Mapleunicorn · 04/08/2026 22:49

How inconvenient for you that the consequences of your own actions didn’t just disappear when you wanted them to

This is what happens when you choose to engage in an affair with a man with children. You don’t get the fairytale ending. You get to see the fall out of a broken family. You made your choice, now you have to live with it.

I have sympathy for your son, but that’s about it

faithfultoGeorgeMichael · 04/08/2026 22:50

How old are you OP?

blythet · 04/08/2026 22:58

The title of your post is that his son is causing issues. The son isn’t causing any issues. He’s doing nothing wrong whatsoever.

you and your exH’s past behaviour is coming back to haunt you. Otherwise he’d have a relationship with his son and wouldn’t be getting down about it

mtobrokeme · 04/08/2026 23:00

You seem to be under the naive illusion that ‘our little boy’ is more important than ‘his son’! He’s really not. Evidently not. To your husband.

Thr33lions · 04/08/2026 23:01

If you wanted to experience total first time parenthood with someone then you should’ve found someone who wasn’t already a parent, let alone to one he’d already raised to adulthood. Surely you’re not expecting him to pretend he is witnessing childhood milestones for the first time Confused

Boreded · 04/08/2026 23:03

Mummamia87 · 04/08/2026 22:14

Why?

Show quote history

Of all the things you’ve responded to 🤦‍♀️

Sleepdeprivedandcaffinated · 04/08/2026 23:04

You tore apart a family. You might not cate but H made a choice that cost him his child. Maybe when your child is older you will actually understand what it might feel like for that to happen. To know that you have caused your child so much pain they never want to speak to you again. To know you’re missing all of the special events in your child’s life because of your own doing. To know you may not be able to meet your grandchildren. Of course he’s going to be sad, assuming you didn’t marry a robot.

You don’t get to now be upset that your H hasn’t just forgotten the fact he actually has another son. He has a history that you are not part of, so of course he’s going to reminisce. That doesn’t get erased because you are playing happy families now.

RubyQueues · 04/08/2026 23:05

Wow. You really have zero self-awareness don’t you?!

How old are you? And how old is your husband? Maybe he’s regretting running off with a younger model at the expense of his first born child?!