Older son from first marriage causing issues

[Mummamia87]

I would value people’s opinion please. I've been with my husband for 12 years, married for 5, and we have a little boy who's 3.

Before we got together my husband was in a long marriage from which he has an adult son, now 29. They haven't spoken since we got together . Yes it was through an affair which I know that was wrong but it wasn't just a fling. His marriage was effectively over, he was deeply unhappy, and we’ve ended up building a wonderful life together. I know that's only my perspective but I'm not here to debate the affair itself - it was a long time ago.

The issue is that every time our son reaches a milestone my husband reminisces about when his older son did the same thing. I completely understand why, but because they're estranged, it almost always ends with him looking sad.

Instead of just enjoying our son's moment, it's overshadowed by grief over the son he no longer has a relationship with.
I'm increasingly resentful that our son's milestones seem to become bittersweet instead of joyful. I want to say to my husband that our little boy deserves to have his achievements celebrated without them immediately becoming a reminder of someone who wants nothing to do with him.

Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way? Is this something I should keep to myself, or is there a kind way to raise it with my husband? Or do I simply need to accept that this is what grief over an estranged child looks like?

"but family is truly important"

Yes, you are right, it is. However, you and his dad destroyed his family. The fact that he is now important to you is quite a joke.

You may think that it is one bad act, but it is actually an explosion that tore through the centre of his family, sending a massive ripple effect into every aspect of his life, and his extended family's.

What happened to his son after the affair. You haven't answered how his exams and life were affected? Did he have to move home, did he have to care for his upset mum, did he lose family friends, did his GP on his dads side still see him. I actually know a couple of young men who this has happened to and their MH is shot to bits.

You have minimised the effect on his other DS. You think time heals, but it doesn't.

You are also focusing on your DH and the son, but what about you? He may not want to see his dad because you are there. When my mum died, and my dad remarried I really didn't like her and I distanced myself from my dad as a result. It had nothing to do with him, but her.

I have had lots of things happen to me; car accidents, infertility, marriage issues, job issues, mum died when I was a teen etc. However, the very worst thing that has ever happen to me is my dad remarrying someone I really didn't like, and having her DC inflicted on me. If I could go back in time, I would go back to the day I got my first pay check post graduation and tell me to cut my dad off there and then.

I am in my 50's and I am still cursed with politics and dramas from my dad's choices.

I think one thing you need to understand is that father didn’t just cheat on his son’s mother, he also cheated on him. Regardless of what you think that is exactly how an affair feels like for a child. Your DH broke his son’s trust massively. He walked away from the family he created for a woman he probably had only known for a short while in comparison to his son and wife. Your DH should be on his knees begging his son if he wants any sort of relationship and you should be right behind him.

Has your partener ended the previous relationship paying alimony/paying for the child?

He is an adult- and after that many years it is weird that he cannot at least talk to your DH.
No matter how it started- years have passed move on and dont waste your energy on bad stuff.

To those saying that only people in unhappy marriages have affairs. Sorry but that is codswallop.
I know more than one older men who had a affairs with younger women. They went on to marry and have more children with said affair partners, and they deeply regretted everything but feel stuck as not staying with the OW, it means they blew their marriage up for nothing.
One was a really good friend of mine and I remember him sobbing and telling me he really truly loved his first wife and would until his dying day. But now he was trapped married to someone he never loved to try and save face.

Uhm....here?

If your husband was a good father before the affair and if he's been consistently paying what he should and reaching out since - then I disagree with other posters. It does feel harsh for his son to cut him off without even a conversation. I would be worried that the mother might have said too much and leaned too heavily on the son following the break up. Two big ifs in there but life is not black and white.

The boy was 17 - perfectly capable of seeing for himself the damage and cruelty of an affair.

I'm actually inclined to think that if he was a good father before the affair, and he apologised to his son for leaving and made real concrete actions to make him continue to feel loved and wanted after he went off with OP and started a new family, the son is likely to have maintained a relationship with him. The fact the son has decided there is more benefit to his father being out of his life than in it makes me think this is unlikely to have occurred.

There is very little balance or nuance when it comes to affairs or the ow on mumsnet OP, you won't find much support to navigate the complexity of this scenario. Only you know the full context. It's a possibility the boy's father left him, didn't pay or support him and he finds it hard to see his dad as a role model. Or it can be the case that the ex wife has had a huge influence on how he views him. Still, he is a young adult caught in the middle.

It wasn't one bad act. It was a series of bad choices that ended with his son deciding he was better off going no contact with his dad than keeping his dad in his life.

His dad showed his son how important he felt his family was by dumping his.

If family is so important, why'd you help bust one up? Would you not say that's acting in bad faith and hypocritical?

Your expectations are unreasonable. The past may be behind us but it's not forgotten and his taints his present. Because of you, he realizes what once brought him joy is temporary and fleeting and can turn into a source of pain especially because he threw it away. That's just something you get to live with, the man his actions and choices have turned him into, or choose divorce.

We will never see the complexity in the situation because the OP would need to be honest about what happened and how it affected other people.

You miss the point that there would be nothing to influence if the affair hadn't happened in the first place

Agreed. I find it utterly cringe to have siblings where the age gap is such that the eldest could be the parent. Yuck. Naff and yuck. Feel ever so sorry for the eldest siblings in this set up, AND the ex-wife who never signed up to have her husband's time split with a new family, especially when she herself is past child-bearing age. HATE men who do this.

that post seems to be personal

And OP is going to have so many parents say ‘I saw his grandad pick him up the other day’ and she’ll have to explain he is dad 🤣

Can you imagine your son not talking to you and cutting you out of his life? You created love out of betrayal and destruction. You are over it. The son and father will be processing the trauma for the rest of their lives.

Most kids will feel massively conflicted when they learn that one parent has betrayed the other.

They will feel resentful and angry towards the betraying parent and sympathetic to the betrayed one, but they will also love and feel a sense of loyalty to the betraying parent and want to preserve some kind of relationship.

The fact that the son could walk away without a backwards glance suggests perhaps his relationship with his dad wasn’t all that great for him, regardless of how nostalgically his dad now looks back on it.

She doesn’t need to explain anything to anyone,

I was the younger child from the second relationship and yes most people assumed my dad was my grandfather 😂 and then I'd have to say he was my dad

But the child will when they are asked or let's face it they'll get teased about grandpa dad

I’m sure that’s what you’re hoping for. But it really doesn’t matter.

And OP will not be a catch for future married men now she's got a kid 😂 I have no sympathy for women like her my dad cheated with one when I was younger and got her pregnant my mum took him back though

I know because I was the child my father cheated on his wife and I was part of the second family and was asked anytime someone saw my dad

She might need to explain to her child that he has an older brother that he will never meet.

I currently know one - he is begging for forgiveness - she has issued divorce papers via her solicitor. He has said to me he wants everything to ‘go back to normal’. He worries about her and the kids. Bit late, should have worried before the cheating. He clearly thought he could do what he wanted and wouldn’t get caught. Not cool.

I think plenty of men cheat in happy marriages. They think they deserve extra or they think they won’t get caught. The betrayed woman being faced by a cheating begging, wailing man when he gets caught isn’t uncommon. They often beg for forgiveness. Lack of foresight and inability to understand the impact of their actions, poor impulse control. Resentment and Thinking he deserves more.

Op if you think the responses are harsh or unfair I recommend you read ‘not just friends’ by Shirley Glass, ‘how to help your spouse heal from your affair’ by Macdonald. ‘Cheating in a nutshell’ by Mitchell and Mitchell.

You may think the books are irrelevant as you are not a betrayed spouse. I just think they will give you perspective on how your affair happened and the impact it caused (it is unlikely to be a fairytale, worlds collided romance). I think knowledge is helpful. I would also want to know the truth on the state of their marriage when you met. Usually the marriage becomes ‘unhappy’ when the cheat starts rewriting their history to justify shagging about. Or maybe he was a serial philanderer. Until that starts there were lovely gifts, meals, holidays, days out, family gatherings, photos, plans. Problems of course because no one is perfect and a marriage always ebbs and flows. The cheat never wants to be the villain in their life story so they tend to come out with the same cliches. ‘Room mates’. ‘She doesn’t understand me’. ‘We are separating but still together for the kids’.

You married a man you know justifies to himself that it is okay to lie to his loved ones. Often they have personality traits that suit lying, people pleasing, dislikes conflict, wants ego boosts (smoke up the behind), needs external validation, struggles to self soothe, wants to be a knight in shining armour. So they lie to get these ‘needs’ met. Sometimes they are just arrogant and think they deserve more and won’t get caught. If he is someone who doesn’t like rocking the boat, people pleasing etc you may find he struggles being honest with his concerns. Luckily you know what he is capable of. Personally I’d want to get to the bottom of what he is really thinking. If he has unresolved grief and resentment (maybe even towards you as cheats are renowned for rewriting history) I would want to know so you can resolve it or divorce while you child is young enough to not be impacted like his first son was. He once had a happy marriage to his first wife (assuming it wasn’t an arranged marriage). How did that change? Too much focus on their son? Life event? Was he always chasing ladies? Or was it good until you two started flirting?

If I were you I would really get to the bottom of how he is feeling and what really happened prior to you meeting and when they split up. Why he thinks his son is not speaking to him. Where things said you have no idea about? Where things done that you have no idea about? (It’s not uncommon for a husband to return to the home and beg forgiveness and then depart again). I’d want to know the truth. I’d actually want to hear the son’s version of events but I doubt you will get that. If he’s keeping his thoughts, worries, what actually happened etc to himself it cannot be good for your marriage.