Older son from first marriage causing issues

[Mummamia87]

I would value people’s opinion please. I've been with my husband for 12 years, married for 5, and we have a little boy who's 3.

Before we got together my husband was in a long marriage from which he has an adult son, now 29. They haven't spoken since we got together . Yes it was through an affair which I know that was wrong but it wasn't just a fling. His marriage was effectively over, he was deeply unhappy, and we’ve ended up building a wonderful life together. I know that's only my perspective but I'm not here to debate the affair itself - it was a long time ago.

The issue is that every time our son reaches a milestone my husband reminisces about when his older son did the same thing. I completely understand why, but because they're estranged, it almost always ends with him looking sad.

Instead of just enjoying our son's moment, it's overshadowed by grief over the son he no longer has a relationship with.
I'm increasingly resentful that our son's milestones seem to become bittersweet instead of joyful. I want to say to my husband that our little boy deserves to have his achievements celebrated without them immediately becoming a reminder of someone who wants nothing to do with him.

Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way? Is this something I should keep to myself, or is there a kind way to raise it with my husband? Or do I simply need to accept that this is what grief over an estranged child looks like?

The title of this thread says everything.

The older son is NOT causing issues.

The affair has caused issues.

With that kind of thinking, I believe OP is a lost cause.

Affairs aren't a question of nuance they're a question of character.
You're either the type of person that can repeatedly lie to the person you sleep next to every night or you can't. No Nuance.

I sometimes have literal nightmares that I am the one unfaithful to my lovely dh. I wake up and the relief ! I couldn’t deal with the guilt. I genuinely don’t know how anyone does this to a decent spouse. I’m far from perfect but I could not.

By virtue of the fact he exists.

As someone with a stepdaughter, I really think if you can’t all find a way to get along, you probably shouldn’t be getting together in the first place. Shagging his dad while he was still married to his mum probably wasn’t the best way to achieve that.

actions have consequences

I think it depends on whether your husband's sadness is ruining these events for your son. I am not quite clear on whether that's the case, or whether it's simply upsetting you that you realise he is sad at these times.

If it's the former, then yes he needs to get his act together for the little one's sake, and fake it till he makes it if necessary. He has a responsibility to make the little one feel as loved, secure and happy as he can.

But if he is simply revealing the sadness to you, then I think you have to suck that up and support him as much as you can. Estrangement from one's child must be utterly unbearable - I can't imagine the constant pain he must feel about this. Surely, now you are a mother, you can see that.

In fact, I am surprised that the main locus of your discontent seems to be about your son's "milestones'. Surely the much more urgent issue you are facing, is that the man you love has lost contact with his eldest child. That's the big deal here, that's what you both need to address.

He'd be a monstrously unfeeling person if he WASN'T devastated about never seeing his son. And surely you don't want to be married to a monster.

If I were you I would do everything in my power to help my husband salvage his relationship with his older son - simply having "reached out" is not enough - unless he has been explicitly asked not to I hope he makes regular contact with his first son, telling him how much he loves him, apologising for hurting him, making it clear that that son is deeply missed and would be welcome as a part of his life in whatever way the son chose.

He should regularly offer to visit him, or to book a trip for them both, or whatever contact might prove acceptanle.

As a first step I would sit down with your husband tonight, when the little one is in bed, and have a full and frank conversation in which you are totally honest with yourselves and each other - is there any more your husband can do to rebuild that fractured relationship..... The do it, whatever it takes.

You can't ever expect your man to be happy while half his heart is broken. Your role should be to support and encourage him to do everything he can to heal the rift, so that he doesn't lose any more precious years......

I think that ship has sailed. All the OP cares about is her and "little boy" and is seemingly expecting her husband to get over the fact that her step son wants nothing to do with his father.

And by the way, I am not judging you for the affair because I don't know the context of your husband's first marriage.

I am the product of an affair - my beloved dad was the victim of quite savage domestic violence - he bore the scars on his body to his dying day. He only summoned the courage to leave with the support of my beloved mom, so I don't judge all affairs - it's too black and white. I judge each situation only if I know the details, and I don't in your case.

And it's kind of irrelevant, because you can't expect kids to make fair judgements between their parents. My half brother, whom my dad corageously protected from seeing and/or knowing the worst stuff his mother did, sided with her when dad finally left. Though deeply saddened, my lovely dad didn't sit around feeling sorry for himself about this - instead he did all he could to repair that relationship. And to an extent, after several years estrangement, it worked. They were never as close as they had been, but there was some contact, and when we lost dad my half brother and his family mourned with us at the funeral.

Because a good man never gives up on his kids.

It reads like she is in la la land

@Mummamia87 Imagine how upset you would be if your husband did the same to your son when he is 17. He's your little boy who you love and it would hurt him so much. Now try and put yourself in his older brother's shoes.

She can't.

The fact that she even posted her self absorbed OP means she can't see anything, really.

It's one of those posts where the word "delusional" is truly appropriate. It is generally overused but in this case, honestly, her cognitive dissonance is astounding.

It's been a hard read for me, to be honest.

Gaslighting?

So I am a terrible person for not wanting my DS to be impacted by all this? And for prioritising him over my DH's adult son who wants nothing to do with us and who I have never met? I cannot possibly be expected to not feel differently about my DS.

I have admitted what we did was wrong. But what are the options now then, let my son be impacted or try and minimise or stop that. I have sought advice as I want to do the latter yet that causes an outrage because, people cannot see beyond an affair.

His upset is sometimes visible in front of DS, other times just me or with family of friends. DS is not yet noticing but he soon will which is why I am keen to address it soon. I also do not think even if it were just in front of me, that I should be punished forever, especially as we both chose this.

I don't think it is right for me to reach out to his son as others have suggested. I would never stop him trying to fix things and he is consistently trying to reach out. But I am not going to jeopardise DS but placing him in the middle of anger.

Yes. the reactions to this makes everyone elses pain related to infidelity attributable to me. No consideration of the nuances of each situation at all.

Why?

It's not his older son that's causing you issues though, is it? He doesn't figure in this at all. It's your husband causing the issues.

No-one can blame a young man who hasn't been anywhere near any of you for years, for spoiling a little boy's birthday party or whatever because Daddy is a bit glum. It's Daddy's job to pull himself together and plaster on a smile for little Oscar then do his sad face after Oscar's gone to bed.

And that is what you need to tell him.

My point about him waiting until his DS reached 17 is not that that is an ideal age to leave but that he is not a serial cheater and nor did he leave as soon as he wanted. he had been unhappy for most of his marriage. Some might say that is what they all say but can that not be true. Even if we assume it was not true, he was married a long time so is clearly not someone that just wanted to neglect being a hands on parent.

By the way, how old is your husband exactly? When people mentioned the age gap and him running off with a much younger woman, you implied that it wasn't a big deal and that you were 39 and he was 'in his fifties.' How far into his fifties exactly? The son is only ten years younger than you. You've been with his dad since you were only 27 and he was 18. I'm guessing his dad is much closer to 60 than to 50.

Okay, so what age were you, your husband and his son when you originally started your affair? How long was it going on for before he left?

No. Being said about how it has impacted theire relationship is not the same as wishing you had not left.

What a ridiculous comment. Wedding delayed by covid and even then, is it not genuine if people wait that long. Is there a rule that you must marry sooner if it is true love?

And for all those still obsessed with the age gap, DH is 53 not 59.

Why did he think having another child would help his relationship with his eldest?

We did not have a child for that reason.

You could raise the issue with your DH and request that he hides his feelings on such occasions so that others, especially your DC, don’t notice or realise that he is feeling sad. That would be reasonable. But you would still know how he is really feeling and what he is really thinking, and I don’t think there is any way round that.