Older son from first marriage causing issues

[Mummamia87]

I would value people’s opinion please. I've been with my husband for 12 years, married for 5, and we have a little boy who's 3.

Before we got together my husband was in a long marriage from which he has an adult son, now 29. They haven't spoken since we got together . Yes it was through an affair which I know that was wrong but it wasn't just a fling. His marriage was effectively over, he was deeply unhappy, and we’ve ended up building a wonderful life together. I know that's only my perspective but I'm not here to debate the affair itself - it was a long time ago.

The issue is that every time our son reaches a milestone my husband reminisces about when his older son did the same thing. I completely understand why, but because they're estranged, it almost always ends with him looking sad.

Instead of just enjoying our son's moment, it's overshadowed by grief over the son he no longer has a relationship with.
I'm increasingly resentful that our son's milestones seem to become bittersweet instead of joyful. I want to say to my husband that our little boy deserves to have his achievements celebrated without them immediately becoming a reminder of someone who wants nothing to do with him.

Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way? Is this something I should keep to myself, or is there a kind way to raise it with my husband? Or do I simply need to accept that this is what grief over an estranged child looks like?

Seems so. A woman young enough to be his own child, closer in age to that child than himself.

I genuinely try really hard not to judge people for affairs and don't usually see them in black and white like many here do. Relationships can be messy and complicated. The absolute self absorption and lack of awareness here is really hard to ignore though.

Of course the husband, who is fast approaching retirement age, will be looking wistfully at a child young enough to be his own grandson knowing he has blown his chance of having grandchildren that he is close to (he may even already have them) as a direct result of his own lack of integrity. Meanwhile OP is here wailing about family being truly important despite having not cared about that when it was someone else's family she was pivotal in smashing apart. And her own child has a very real possibility of losing their father before they reach age the first son was when all this was set in motion.

Yet she wants to accuse a man who was still under 18 when this all started of being manipulative and trying to control his father. As if somehow, he is responsible for the lack of relationship now.

👏

Spot on.

Have we not discussed that OP’s DH waited until his kid was five mins away from being a legal adult? Talk about minimising his child support. I can’t imagine that the divorce was amicable. DSS was old enough to understand exactly how fucked over his mother would have been by both of you.

Older son from first marriage causing issues

Even the title of this thread is in bad taste.

The older son has done precisely nothing to cause issues. He has merely said he doesn't want a relationship due to the behaviour of his Dad.

'Causing issues' suggests he is actively doing something to create trouble. And further to that the OP subsequently said she doesn't want to make any effort anyway.

The son is demonised as 'the bad guy' in this scenario and that's really unfair under the circumstances.

I guess the divorce was nasty. Sugar babes are usually after an old man's money and I can't imagine the self obsessed person like OP just walking into the sunset hand in hand, having left the assets to the first family.

This is actually so so relevant and hasn’t been mentioned yet.

my dd is 17, so lots of my friends have dcs 17, quite a few of them want to divorce, but are waiting as they all say 17 is the absolute worst time to do it - for the child. You are right though - for a selfish adult, it’s spot on perfect.

It's a bit embarrassing imo.

He wasn't around when he was shagging you on the side though. Overnight business trips was it? The "gym"?

You asked the Q whether you are being unreasonable, and the overwhelming answer is that you are. If your DH’s oldest son doesn’t want either of you in his life, that’s fair. You can’t pick your family. If your DH is sad because your DS’s milestones are tainted then boohoo. Get over yourself. Your DS won’t remember his first steps, and he most certainly won’t remember whether your DH was a bit sad.

Oh goodness, he’s rich as well.

im putting a fiver on ……. he has got his career because his wife did all the unpaid labour. Didn’t want to share ‘his’ pension or pay spousal maintenance. ‘Terribly unhappy’ so had affair after affair and stuck with the affair that occurred as and when he wouldn’t need to pay maintenance any more.

And then had to agree to a baby because of the age gap...

Your husbands guilt and remorse is his punishment, and his cross to bear.

Not sure I have ever seen a poster so lacking in empathy as this one. Quite a shock, but then the mental gymnastics of an OW are beyond me too.

I have an age gap relationship and I’m really struggling to empathise with this woman. By all means, date an older man but don’t date a married one. Also, I’m of the firm belief that if you want to date someone with kids you have to step up and act like a parental figure. Honestly, it’s so bloody frustrating when people think they can date people with children but then not take on the responsibility. When I was single I actively turned down men with children because I wasn’t ready to be a parental figure. Which is the sensible thing to do. This woman and her DH clearly were not thinking about his DS’s wellbeing when they were going at it. Selfish, careless people.

He doesn’t though. That’s what you’re not understanding. That boy owes your DH nothing. Your DH on the other hand owes him everything.

To be fair he is too old now, so he isn’t someone many other women would want. Not really the catch OP thought he was when she met him.

”ONE BAD ACT” really@Mummamia87 is that all you think it amounted to?

You and his father threw a grenade into his life and blew it up.

The title of this thread is very underhanded, and does not reflect well on you either.

I don’t get how naive some women can be. The amount of men who have tried to start affairs with me or my friends by saying ‘I’m unhappy in my marriage’ is crazy. What makes us different is that we know it’s bullshit otherwise call his bluff. Wait until he officially divorces before starting a relationship.

Yes, good point. If @Mummamia87 is still with him when their son has kids (unlikely but you never know), she'll have to deal with those grandkids reminding him of the grandkids he doesn't see from his first born, and him feeling upset, guilty, and not able to fully be a grandparent to them just as he can't fully be a parent to OP's son because it reminds him of what he's lost.

Oh it's not a given, definitely - I know a couple with a 20 year age gap where the woman did not want children. But when you get together with a 27 year old it's statistically likely she will want to have a baby whether or not the guy did all the nappy changes once, 25 years ago.

I think this is a really important point. Most of us have had married men try it on - I had a married man - who I believed to be separated text me for four months in a friendly manner but always subtly hinting. Something made me ask simply as confirmation - you are separated? He replied, well it’s complicated. There are children involved. My immediate replay: please do not text me again.
OW are not special. We all could be one. But I would never do that to another woman or to children. It’s so sad.

You reap what you sow

No offense intended but unless the former spouse is deceased or incapacitated or absent, nobody needs to be playing parental figure to kids (particularly teens) who already have two parental figures. That’s just overstepping.

And in this case, I can’t imagine the 17 year old could see his dad’s 27-year-old girlfriend as a parental figure in any realistic way.

By that I don’t mean stepping into the shoes of the biological mother or father but, yeah, I think if you’ve come into a family you have a responsibility of care for the child. For example, making sure that there’s food in the house that they can eat. Caring for them if they become sick under your roof etc.