Older son from first marriage causing issues

[Mummamia87]

I would value people’s opinion please. I've been with my husband for 12 years, married for 5, and we have a little boy who's 3.

Before we got together my husband was in a long marriage from which he has an adult son, now 29. They haven't spoken since we got together . Yes it was through an affair which I know that was wrong but it wasn't just a fling. His marriage was effectively over, he was deeply unhappy, and we’ve ended up building a wonderful life together. I know that's only my perspective but I'm not here to debate the affair itself - it was a long time ago.

The issue is that every time our son reaches a milestone my husband reminisces about when his older son did the same thing. I completely understand why, but because they're estranged, it almost always ends with him looking sad.

Instead of just enjoying our son's moment, it's overshadowed by grief over the son he no longer has a relationship with.
I'm increasingly resentful that our son's milestones seem to become bittersweet instead of joyful. I want to say to my husband that our little boy deserves to have his achievements celebrated without them immediately becoming a reminder of someone who wants nothing to do with him.

Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way? Is this something I should keep to myself, or is there a kind way to raise it with my husband? Or do I simply need to accept that this is what grief over an estranged child looks like?

I’m pretty grossed out by you saying that DSS had his DH for 17 years. How long were you fooling around before you (presumably) got knocked up and forced the issue? All the time DH was sneaking around with you is time DSS can’t get back. What events did he miss because he was playing house with you? Probably some pretty significant ones, judging from DSS age at the time. Also? DSS would have witnessed and experienced the fallout with his mum. He would know what she had sacrificed to support your DH in his early career and raising him to almost adulthood and the complete betrayal she would have felt, and witnessed all of the emotions associated with this while managing his own feelings of betrayal also. Since I assume you are both cliches, I am going to spell it out. Your DSS does not view your kid as his innocent baby sibling. He sees them as the bomb that was dropped into his family - into his and his mother”s lives by two selfish, uncaring arseholes. If you haven’t worked this out. It’s time to take a good hard look at yourself and the man you married.

Yikes, you are very delusional. And the fact you don't seem to understand the responsibilities of being a parent is pretty concerning for your own child.

(And you definitely don't understand the term gaslighting 😂)

Good lord! Your empathy is absolutely ….

missing.

Why would a child whose family was destroyed by his father, then reach out to that father? What motivation does he have to do so? Why would you expect that of him?

He's the victim in the situation – he has no obligation to go out of his way for the man who hurt his mother, hurt him, and broke up their family in the ugliest way possible, no doubt resulting in both emotional and some degree of financial pain.

How did your husband behave during the break up of his marriage? Did he apologise to his son? Try to make amends? Did he accept responsibility for the harm he'd caused? Did he continue to provide for his son financially? Did he reach out consistently? Send birthday cards and birthday money/gifts? Has he tried to reach out recently?

I know right, what a nutter. He owes his adulterous dad absolutely nothing. It’s a sad fact but you’ll just have to stand by and watch your husband pine for the son he really loves.
You reap what you sow.

What was the impact of the affair and divorce on your step sons mother? Did he have to support her through all when he was 17? How was the impact on him dealt with at that time? . I think you are ignoring the very strong possibility that loyalty to his mother is a significant driver, particularly as DH left them both for you. Has the ex wife been able to move on with a new partner? Is their a devoted stepdad in the picture as well.? There is all sorts of missing information here, because you are making this sad situation with your DH all about the impact on your son, without considering the impact on his son. Just expecting him to forget that impact because he is now 29 isn't realistic. You don't come across as a person who is very empathetic towards the son and his mother.

What did you expect?

I don't have a lot of sympathy given the circumstances.

but we are 12 years down the line and I refuse to waste my energy on an adult that clearly wants nothing to do with me or his DF.

This is your child's brother and your husband's son. If your husband's attitude is really upsetting you as much as you say in your OP, that attitude won't bloody help you.

Even if the son wants nothing to do, your don't give a fuck dismissal of him as if he's in the wrong is a problem. Yes you should be grovelling to the man given the situation.

Was his son 17 and you were 27 when he left his wife for you? So his dad left him for a woman only 10 years older than him? Yeah, I can see why he’d be repulsed.

His son might have children of his own soon, but I guess your husband has lost the chance to be a grandfather too now.
Sucks to be him I guess.

No, this is not misogyny and it is insulting to posters to claim that it is. Any solidarity for women is best directed towards the discarded first wife. We can guess at what she has probably gone through, as many posters have either first hand or close-at-hand knowledge of the devastating consequences of adultery and betrayal (I have), although we don't know for sure how bad it was as the OP hasn't bothered to mention her.

The OP has chosen to put her shallowness and obtuseness on full display on this thread and tried to present herself as a victim of her and her husband's own actions. She has been given a hard time on here as a direct result of this, and doesn't get to play the 'misogyny' card.

Somethings that I have thought about with this

How much effort did your DH put in to keeping in touch with his son?
With mobile phones, email, facebook et al. it wouldn't have been difficult.
I get the feeling that your DH just walked away

When you say 12 years does this include the time that he was actually with his family? How long were you together and he was lying to his family about what he was doing?

How much of a dad during those 17 yrs? we can already knock whatever time you and him were together during his marriage?

How much of a dick were you both during the divorce?
Did you take the family home by forcing a sale or did they get to keep the house?

What were the Son's plans before his dad left and what did he actually end up doing? did he want to go to college, to Uni? Do you actually care?

Did your DH support him in anyway financially after the divorce? Or did he just pay the CM out till he could be financially free of his old family?

but we are 12 years down the line and I refuse to waste my energy on an adult that clearly wants nothing to do with me or his DF.

Which will probably benefit as much as you think that it benefits you.

It really can undo everything. Affairs devastate families & children in particular (regardless of age) & you seem completely deluded in the wreckage your actions have caused, but hey, as long as you’re ok!

This scenario puts a bomb under so many people’s lives. The pain reverberates through the years. I don’t think these people fully appreciate the gravity of what they’ve done.

Seen this scenario happen to several friends through the years they have all been deeply affected by their fathers doing this. Divorce is one thing handled decently can be ok. But the older man /much younger woman / affair / lying / mum facing lonely old age having given her youth to him / teenage kids is a horrible horrible scenario.

The only useful and good post here

And a reminder this is posted in 'relationships' and OP was in need of support.

Well they've been together 12 years and their child is 3.

Give it a couple of years and you'll be the ex 😂 of course you ruined thier lives once a cheater always a cheater soon hell replace you for a new model then maybe you'll have some empathy towards the family you destroyed because you wanted a quickie have fun explaining to your son that you stole his dad from the family he had already

What is this fuckwittery? 😕

Yes, you destroyed his life as he knew it, and he's had to rebuild a new one.
There is no best before date on hurt and he doesn't owe either of you anything.
You both made a decision and he made his. You've just got to live with that.

lol. He owes your DH absolutely nothing.
My dad did what your DH did. It was a horrible thing for him to do. Just because you had an affair don’t dismiss the pain and hurt it caused. You and DH need to own it.

So? Just because it happens doesn't make it right.
There are many pp on this thread who have witnessed their own parents break up because of an affair. Is their outrage fake??

Someone's not allowed to be hurt and upset by another just because some other person somewhere else has done something worse?
ODFOD.

What about your husband's DS1's milestones that he was left to experience in the wasteland of the break-up of his family -who was there to wholeheartedly support and celebrate those? His A-level results, perhaps leaving home to go to uni, or getting his first job? Learning to drive or navigating his own first relationship? His poor, poor mum.

When my DCs dad had a 'connection' as you describe it, at a low ebb in our marriage last year (when he no doubt would have described himself as 'deeply unhappy') and explored an emotional affair with another woman, he came clean and asked to work on the relationship. I agreed and did my best to hold it together, blaming sore eyes and shocking weightloss on a recent bereavement. Our oldest DC, who was just a year younger than your husband's DS1, inadvertently found out what had happened as their dad was careless and made a call to enquire about couples counselling when DC was home. I will never forget the frantic phonecall when she rang me to say what she'd overheard. I cannot describe how deeply I loathe him for not taking more care to protect our child from the consequences of his actions, and making me complicit in the mess of it. DC1, like your husband's DS1, has lost so much. The trust and respect -it's irreparable. DC1 still loves their dad but struggles massively with the cognitive dissonance and betrayal, because they were betrayed too. Repairing this rupture is a work in progress that will remain ongoing for many years to come, I fear.

Your suggestion that your husband's DS1 is somehow manipulative is shocking. Affairs really annihilate -I think perhaps you have needed to create a narrative around the events that preceded your marriage which discount the experiences of your husband's first family? You say yourself that your DS 'is more important to you', but our individual happiness rarely exists in isolation; it is usually dependent on supportive family systems.

I have always known I could never pursue a relationship with a man who was already in one because I respect other women. And crucially, I would never, ever want to break a child's heart.

The “support” is pointing out that OP cannot have what she wants - which is a happily ever after. Truth hurts and so do affairs.

That’s where you are totally wrong…. He owes your DH nothing.
He doesn’t want to hear his Dads excuses for behaving how he did, he’s obviously moved on and is hopefully living his best life.
You need to do the same and accept that your child is the second son, not shiny brand new for his Dad and that the feelings your DH are his, if he’s saddened by the lack of contact then it’s entirely his own fault for choosing a path that was destructive.
You need to look up the meaning of gaslighting too….