Older son from first marriage causing issues

[Mummamia87]

I would value people’s opinion please. I've been with my husband for 12 years, married for 5, and we have a little boy who's 3.

Before we got together my husband was in a long marriage from which he has an adult son, now 29. They haven't spoken since we got together . Yes it was through an affair which I know that was wrong but it wasn't just a fling. His marriage was effectively over, he was deeply unhappy, and we’ve ended up building a wonderful life together. I know that's only my perspective but I'm not here to debate the affair itself - it was a long time ago.

The issue is that every time our son reaches a milestone my husband reminisces about when his older son did the same thing. I completely understand why, but because they're estranged, it almost always ends with him looking sad.

Instead of just enjoying our son's moment, it's overshadowed by grief over the son he no longer has a relationship with.
I'm increasingly resentful that our son's milestones seem to become bittersweet instead of joyful. I want to say to my husband that our little boy deserves to have his achievements celebrated without them immediately becoming a reminder of someone who wants nothing to do with him.

Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way? Is this something I should keep to myself, or is there a kind way to raise it with my husband? Or do I simply need to accept that this is what grief over an estranged child looks like?

Why? Your argument of him being there for 17 years is a moot point because that isn’t really doing anything special is it? That’s just being a Dad. Children don’t owe their parents anything. Your DH chose to bring him into the world. He also chose to have an affair.

As your DH has found out, his son owes him nothing. You have absolutely no idea what he had to witness from his Mother when she found out about the affair and then her husband decided to be with the OW.

My Dad had an affair in 2018. I haven’t seen him since 2019. Neither has my brother. My sister has had very irregular contact but it’s not much. It wasn’t just the affair but it’s what it did to my Mum afterwards. I will never forgive him for that and I don’t owe him anything. He wasn’t invited to my wedding nor has he met my child. It’s sad but he made his bed and he’s living with the consequences. As far as I know he’s had a new partner for a few years and is just getting on with his life. Your DH is getting on with his.

The son owes nobody nothing and you are being unreasonable and need to get on with it. This is the consequences of your actions.

And your husband owes your son the example of integrity, loyalty, respect and how to be a good husband/role model as well as being a good father (by respecting his mother).

Since your extra marital affair means that your husband hasn’t done any of that his son owes him absolutely nothing. I respect the kid for showing his mother loyalty considering.

The fact that you think his son owes him something says everything there is to say about your own respect, integrity and how to be a good role model.

If that kid had a 5% chance in ever soeaking to his father there is no way he will if you are even remotely in the picture.

You think ‘his son’ stopped contact to control his Dad, and is kicking off for not getting his own way by carrying on ignoring him.
You want him to do what you want, which is to converse with his Dad, so his Dad can get over him. You think he ‘owes’ your husband this.

The son is getting is with his life. He hasn’t done anything. Not his problem if you or your husband is bothered.
You’re the one kicking off when they don’t get their way OP.
Disgraceful.

The lack of self awareness and empathy is disgustingly apparent. Your cheating pondscum of a shag partner is owed nothing by his son. His son has cut him out of his life and your shag partner will probably never be allowed near him again and will never meet any grandchildren. These are the consequences of his affair with you.

You both ripped apart his family and now you can live with the consequences. Your attitude is all about me me me and bleating about how hard done by you both are.

That young man probably is dreadfully hurt and has cut you both out of his life to protect himself and his poor Mum.

Your shag partner deserves to feel regret and pain for what he has done for the rest of his life. Your child is an innocent in this but maybe its karma that what you did now taints every moment and every memory with your son with bitterness and regret. You dont seem capable of empathy or understanding about the harm you have done to a young man and his family.

You arent a nice person and your attitude basically is that someone who had their life torn apart by your actions should just hurry up and get over it so you can go back to your smug little bubble where you pretend everything is perfect.

You clearly just want all of those consequences to go away and for everyone to pretend that your tawdry grubby affair didnt cause irreparable harm to his wife and son. The consequences wont ever go away for you or for your son or your shag partner.

No, he doesn’t.

Anyone, and I mean ANYONE can choose to cut a cancer out of their life. You and your ‘D’H are the cancer in this scenario.

You dont get to tell someone they have to talk to you, but you being a narcissist makes that hard for you to understand I suspect

@Mummamia87 to what level are you educated?

Yes, it looks like her behaviour eg accusing the hurt teenager of being manipulative and controlling has contributed significantly to the fall out between father and son.

Also, OP, the deteriorating relationship between your husband and his son will have started long before the discovery of your affair. Your husband will have been negligent and abusive of his first family for the duration of the affair and previous infidelities as you can bet your bottom dollar, he will have cheated before.

I haven't gone through 20 pages of what I suspect will be vitriol. Here is what I do know OP.
You are only 10 years older than his son.
You can imagine what 17 year old him thought of 27 year old you.
His 47 year old mum will have been hurt and he saw that pain and took her side.
But the pain of estrangement is a living bereavement. I am amazed you have lasted 12 years alongside it tbh. Is it fair on your son?
Nope. But I wouldn't even raise it if I were you.
At 36 presumably your biological clock was ticking and after 9 years, absolutely fair you wanted a child.
But at 56, he's already done all that. I imagine the pain is ever present every time he sees your child, not just milestones.
As you say, you don't invest 17 years into your child and not have all those memories. It is understandable they've come flooding back.
Do I think your son should have given him the time of day? A conversation?
I do.
And I am a child of divorce too.
But I have no idea how much effort your husband did make in reaching out before giving up.
Life is messy. Relationships are messy.
Do I think you are a scarlet woman who should wear a red letter A? I do not.
Do I think you were groomed or the age gap makes your husband a foolish, old man? Also not.
At 27 you were adult enough to make your own decisions.
At 55 when he's 75 and your boy is 19, and you have both potentially empty nest and menopause to deal with, it may get trickier but as you say, you've both done the maths.
If I were you, I'd say nothing about this. It won't help.
If you think a letter from you with photo attached saying this is your half brother. We would all love to meet you. would help, then you can reach out yourself one last time. But I wouldn't hold your breath as he may well feel your son is his replacement and that his dad remains a selfish twat.

It's not OK to call OP trash.

I didn’t. I said that either this is fake or she is.

@SummerNocturnal I also think it won't help. The root cause it there for life and no discussions or therapy would remove it.

How on earth can you dare to say that your husband's son shouldn't just cut his dad off without a second glance because "family is truly important"?!

What do you think you and your H taught his older son about the importance of family through your extramarital shagging?

Your husband abandoned his family, and in doing so, he lost all right to expect anything from them. And yes, one "bad act" can absolutely undo everything that went before because everything else will seem like a lie.

You seem very quick to criticise your husband's son while being incredibly dismissive of the damage that your husband did through his betrayal of his first family.

Do you find that you struggle with empathy and self awareness generally or only in relation to this issue?

You are dissembling. You called OP trash. It's a slur. That is not OK.

Op is unempathetic but she's a human being. Yes, she's making mistakes and has hurt someone and refuses to see it. That does NOT mean she is trash.

Technically, she didnt.

Don’t worry about it, I reported myself and asked for it to be changed.

I should have said that she was displaying some of the trashiest behaviour I’ve seen on here.

Ever heard of a continuum? This is nothing on the scale of atrocities humans have committed on other humans (and animals)

Why does he owe his Dad a conversation? And why do you think he's trying to punish his Dad?

Maybe he just thinks he's a massive knobhead and wants nothing to do with him?

I keep my Dad at arms length, ever since I found out about his affairs, and had to see the effect of them on my Mum.

I'm not trying to punish him, I just really don't like him. I think he's a selfish prick who doesn't think about anyone but himself. If he wasn't happy married to my Mum, he could have just left her, but instead, he chose to do one of the worst things someone can possibly do to their partner. Seeing that just crystalised that he was pretty crap as a Dad as well.

I don't really need that in my life, I don't have enough time in my life to spend with the people I actually like, why should I waste some of it on someone who is fundamentally a shit person?

People don't want to spend their time with dickheads, family or not.

Then she shouldn't whine about her PFB's milestones being tainted as it's utterly ridiculous in the grand scheme of things. She should go on pro- or anti-Palestinian protest instead or whatever cause she fancies.

I’m guessing there was a hell of a lot of sneaking around and lying to both DSS and his mother. Your DH would have chosen to miss a lot of family things because of you. This isn’t just about what you know happened from the time it all came out of the woodwork, it’s about decisions your DH made, and frankly he was a shit dad and a coward.

but we are 12 years down the line can someone truly lack this level of insight. I hope you have it coming, maybe it will shake some form of intellect out of you.

Would you say that to the OP's stepson, to his face?

And dont bother lying we both know that you wouldnt.

Riiiiiiight, so the son owes his dad a conference because his dad isn’t Hitler or a rapist?

The son isn’t allowed to decide for himself what he feels constitutes enough hurt to say “No, thanks, I don’t want a relationship with you any more”?

You seem to have no concept of the impact of your and the 59yo ("50s", ha!) cheat you paired up with's actions, and how they affected his son, and his son's mother, to whom the son no doubt felt aligned with - I am impressed, actually, that the son has cut him off. But if you are like you are in real life as you are coming across on here, I can understand why the firstborn son from the primary family wants nothing to do with you either.

It's not 'just' that his father is a cheat, it's that cheats are also selfish in many other ways too.

I despise cheats, and I do hope you rue the day you shacked up with an old man who'd already had all the experiences of his first son's first smile/laugh/roll over/walk etc. WHY would you not just find a man without children??? WHY? I will NEVER understand women who settle for used men. Low self-esteem.

I hope you feel judged in real life when people find out your husband has an estranged son, and you were the cause. Gross.