Older son from first marriage causing issues

[Mummamia87]

I would value people’s opinion please. I've been with my husband for 12 years, married for 5, and we have a little boy who's 3.

Before we got together my husband was in a long marriage from which he has an adult son, now 29. They haven't spoken since we got together . Yes it was through an affair which I know that was wrong but it wasn't just a fling. His marriage was effectively over, he was deeply unhappy, and we’ve ended up building a wonderful life together. I know that's only my perspective but I'm not here to debate the affair itself - it was a long time ago.

The issue is that every time our son reaches a milestone my husband reminisces about when his older son did the same thing. I completely understand why, but because they're estranged, it almost always ends with him looking sad.

Instead of just enjoying our son's moment, it's overshadowed by grief over the son he no longer has a relationship with.
I'm increasingly resentful that our son's milestones seem to become bittersweet instead of joyful. I want to say to my husband that our little boy deserves to have his achievements celebrated without them immediately becoming a reminder of someone who wants nothing to do with him.

Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way? Is this something I should keep to myself, or is there a kind way to raise it with my husband? Or do I simply need to accept that this is what grief over an estranged child looks like?

.

Ofcourse it’s fair, you’re a home wrecker.

His son was 17 when his world fell apart because of you two. The decent thing would have been for your DH to have ended his relationship had he had not been happy and then find someone new later. His son would have understood that and accepted it. But he didn’t, he did the dirty, happy to stay with son’s mother until someone better came along. His son felt every bit of pain your H caused his mother aswell as the pain he caused him.

What would be achieved in the son telling your H this, or listening to your H explain his side. Nothing. So he’s stayed away.

You may your beds now lay in them.

That’s rich! Family is truly important 😂

One bad act- really! Is that how you see you and his father’s actions?

He owes your husband absolutely nothing! His dad treated him and his mother like absolute scum. So did you. So why on earth would a normal, moral man want anything to do with a ‘dad’ who gives absolutely no fucks about his family and instead fucks off with the latest piece of skirt that attention seeks her way into another woman’s husbands pants? ‘He owes him’. Get a grip. You had a kid with an emotionally illiterate man, so deal with the emotionally illiterate man that you chose. He fucked up his first son’s view of him and he’s going to fuck up his second sons. You could just view it as putting both sons on a level playing field.

Indeed. Took quite a lot longer than ‘I am 39 and he is 59’.

You can't even bear that your own son might suffer from not having his baby/toddler "milestones" celebrated enough...and yet you're here complaining that the other son hasn't overcome the wrecking of his entire home life by his dad and you.

Be honest. Do you see this? Can you see this?

I must admit I chuckled at that too :)

Can we at least stop the misogynistic, medieval fake moral outrage leveraged at the OP? People cheat and have affairs, it's happened in this case and has carried and will carry on for as long as people chose to marry and have families. s

Op.
you think you are ‘the one’. But if that was true, your husband would have left his relationship first wouldn’t he? After all, you’re the one.
As he didn’t, that was a fairly good clue that you’re not the one at all. He didn’t want to leave his wife. Or he would have done wouldn’t he? He wanted to keep living with his wife but shagging you. That was his ideal scenario, because if it wasn’t he would have left wouldn’t he? But he didn’t.
what normally happens is at some point the wife finds out, and ends it. Of course his story to you at that point is ‘I chose you’. Which you would have to be a complete fool (oh, wait) to believe, because if that were true, it wouldn’t have happened on day 1, wouldn’t it.

of course your husband is sad, he is likely far far sadder than you will ever realise.

Can we at least stop the misogynistic, medieval fake moral outrage leveraged at the OP? People cheat and have affairs, it's happened in this case and has carried and will carry on for as long as people chose to marry and have families. Seriously the level of vitriolic hate directed at someone you do not know is off the scale

"He was there for 17 years, one bad act does not undo everything. Of course we cannot force anyone to be in our lives but family is truly important had can you literally cut someone off without a second glance?"

My god, you have an empathy bypass.

No wonder you happily colluded with a man to betray his child and wife, and now are petulantly chagrined that the fallout actually affects you.

Agreed

This is one of the worst threads I have ever read. Really horrible.

Yeah people do but blaming the victims is another level of being a twat.

It's not misogynistic either as her H is not female and even more responsible for the harm they've inflicted.

No.

It's not misogynistic, nobody has spared the DH in this. In my book, they're as bad as each other.

It's not medieval - it's here and now and real, as any betrayed wife of a weak and immoral man will tell you.

It's not fake, and to suggest it is so is a double betrayal.

Humans have done shitty thing to each other since the dawn of time. The minute you accept them as okay, or excuse them, or cease to outraged, is the moment you sink lower on the food chain than - well, I don't want to say.

But the son doesn’t have to ever be okay with this. And the dad ‘should’ live with the guilt of hurting his own child.

It does happen, it will happen you’re right, but it is never without consequences. OP just has to make-do with this now and accept her own family unit will never be 100% happy and this is their own doing.

It's not hate, more gobsmacked astonishment. And alarm that someone can be so selfish and morally deficient that they don't see how they've harmed a vulnerable young person.

If OP had come expressing remorse for how her actions had hurt DSS but that she wants the fallout to not affect her own son, the responses would probably be tut-tutting but trying to help her. But instead she defiantly insists that DSS is wrong for feeling harmed by the harm she and her H inflicted on him.

She deserves no sympathy.

How on earth is people being disgusted with a person for causing untold damage to a child and another woman misogynistic? Its not only OP’s behaviour people have issue with - her H bears a fair share of that criticism!

Speaking as a woman, I would never do what OP did to her H’s ex out of solidarity with other women.

It’s the doubling down and clear narcissism people are most objecting to.

I’m no fan of herd mentality or MN pile ons but I think most posters are flabbergasted at how truly morally bankrupt OP appears to be (I’m even wondering if she’s a troll because I can’t quite believe some of the stuff she’s said!).

He really doesn't. Children do not owe their parents anything. The parent holds the responsibilities. What would a conversation change anyway? Why would his son want to listen someone trying to justify the unjustifiable or try to manipulate him into saying it's all ok? That little boy is now a man and can consider things through the eyes of a mature adult. He has made his choice and is not obligated to compromise his psychological wellbeing to ultimately make you feel better because that's what you're asking. If your husband had happily cut his son off, you would be delighted. You only care how it effects you.

Of course your husband is reflecting, he's at the stage of life when it is common to do so. He probably realises now what he has given up and what he will miss out on in future, including grandchildren. Actions have consequences. Your husband set the wheels in motion. You and he are the only ones who bear any responsibility for how the situation has developed.

You have not been gaslighted in any way. No-one has attempted to deny you feel the way you do, merely highlighted that this is a further reflection of your character. That isn't gaslighting.

He wasn't very keen to marry her either, took her seven years.

And if he could turn back the clock, he probably would!

@Mummamia87 if you can, have the decency to change the title of this thread. Older son is not the cause of any of your issues. Stop being pathetic and take some responsibility as your H is doing, shown through his guilt that is eating away at him.

The title of your thread is wrong - the older son from first marriage is not causing problems, it’s all on your DH and his behaviour. The thing is your obsession with milestones is because your DS is your PFB. He’s not your DH’s PFB though is he and he never will be.. It’s dull this milestone stuff - anyone with more than one child will tell you they don’t remember half as much about subsequent kids. Plus your DH is knocking on a bit and is probably too tired to really give a shit. Look at your lovely child and imagine telling him he had to speak to his father if he fucks off with someone else.

Its not misogynistic to call out a woman for shitty behaviour. The affair is not the issue, but the consequences are.

The OP was the affair partner and helped her (now) husband throw a grenade into his family. And now she is angry that her her husband is sad that his actions have lost him the love of his eldest child, so her sons milestones are tainted and "bittersweet". She thinks that the eldest son should be adult about it and realise people make mistakes etc etc......although I have personally never made a mistake that led me to trip over and land on a married man's penis but hey ho.

She chose to wade into someone elses marriage. Now whilst I think that he would have cheated anyway, and probably only ended up with OP cos his wife found out and chucked him out, she was the mug that fell for it so she bears some responsibility. Yes this is on him, but he didnt cheat alone.

That his son has cut him off is a consequence of his actions. That his younger son's milestones make him wistful and not focussed on the OP's child is a consequence of her actions.