Older son from first marriage causing issues

[Mummamia87]

I would value people’s opinion please. I've been with my husband for 12 years, married for 5, and we have a little boy who's 3.

Before we got together my husband was in a long marriage from which he has an adult son, now 29. They haven't spoken since we got together . Yes it was through an affair which I know that was wrong but it wasn't just a fling. His marriage was effectively over, he was deeply unhappy, and we’ve ended up building a wonderful life together. I know that's only my perspective but I'm not here to debate the affair itself - it was a long time ago.

The issue is that every time our son reaches a milestone my husband reminisces about when his older son did the same thing. I completely understand why, but because they're estranged, it almost always ends with him looking sad.

Instead of just enjoying our son's moment, it's overshadowed by grief over the son he no longer has a relationship with.
I'm increasingly resentful that our son's milestones seem to become bittersweet instead of joyful. I want to say to my husband that our little boy deserves to have his achievements celebrated without them immediately becoming a reminder of someone who wants nothing to do with him.

Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way? Is this something I should keep to myself, or is there a kind way to raise it with my husband? Or do I simply need to accept that this is what grief over an estranged child looks like?

Why?

We don't have children so that they owe us anything. We chose to have them, they didn't choose to be born. What makes you think the son owes his father an audience?

Where did I say our son is not as important to him? Nowhere. What I said is that our son's milestones are tainted by his sadness. I am no doubting our son is just as important.

Why? Why does he owe his father anything? Children do not owe any debt to their parents. He has made his feelings very clear that he wants nothing to do with either of you. You both owe him the decency to respect that and leave it open to him to make contact if he ever chooses.

The bed your husband is lying in, is one of his own making. You chose to join him there.

Why?

He was there for 17 years, one bad act does not undo everything. Of course we cannot force anyone to be in our lives but family is truly important had can you literally cut someone off without a second glance? Again, not saying he shouldn't be angry or that it doesn't change things.

Do you not understand the damage heaped upon families when infidelity happens? Or you just don’t care? I hate to break it to you, OP, but your DH has already shown himself not to be a good man. Presumably the only reason he won’t upend another family when the going gets tough, is simply the fact of old age.

‘It is quite possible he initially started ignoring DH as a form of punishment and control and has continued as DH has not retracted his actions.’

This is your narrative and one that clearly plays to your cognitive dissonance about the whole estrangement. In your mind, the son was manipulative and tried to control his father but your true love won over and he was bitter about that.

You are utterly incapable of recognising the damage you did to a child at a vulnerable age. It is considered an adverse childhood experience. He watched his mother suffer immeasurably (probably leading to PTSD type symptoms), he himself would have felt utterly betrayed.

But ALL you can do is see him as manipulative.

And then play the victim on this thread.

Pathetic.

Family is truly important... 🤦‍♀️
Not for your husband, obviously.

You misunderstand me.

You want your son to come above his son, and to your DH he doesnt.

Also, what you fail to understand is that this wonderful shining example of fatherhood didnt just cheat on his wife with you, he cheated on his child and his child will carry the consequences of that for the rest of his life. Perhaps when you understand that you will understand why your step son owes his father absolutely nothing. Not a conversation, not a wedding invitation, not a fathers day card, not consideration....nothing.

Oh and I am absolutely pissing myself at "I am 39 and he is in his 50's" as if you dont know how old he is! So I was right with my "20 odd years younger" prediction then? Because there is a hell of a difference between being just out of your 40's and pushing 60, and now we all know which one your husband is!

The fact that you connived with your husband in destroying his first family belies your claim that 'family is truly important'.

In the sheets his ex washed.

One bad act?

Family is truly important?

Can you hear yourself?!

Surely you didn't type that with a straight face? Family is important. Your husband should have thought about that before hopping into bed with you and then choosing to walk out on his family.

You dont get it do you?!

It wasnt ONE bad act. Every time he left the house to be with you instead of with his wife and son, it was another bad act. Every time he texted you, every time he called you, every time his mind was on you instead of his family........HUNDREDS of bad acts.

That is what his son sees and that is what you are refusing to see because it exposes the reality of you and your husbands behaviour that you dont want to confront.

I wonder if the truth is that you are angry at your stepson for refusing to stop shining the spotlight on what you did and making you face it. How dare he not sweep it under the carpet eh?

He was there for 17 years

He's his father, he doesn't get a medal or a tick in a ledger for being there. You're supposed to be there for your kids, it's not currency for transaction. You're a parent now, have you not realised this?

Also, 17 years? That wasn't even long enough for the boy to be able to buy a pint. Why wasn't he there even after the marriage ended? This seems to be a tacit admission that he abandoned his son before he was fully adult, right during exams and the difficulty of adolescence? Why didn't he continue to be there for him after he met you? You can be divorced and still be there for your kids.

family is truly important had can you literally cut someone off without a second glance?

Are you actually serious? Do you realise who could be saying this to whom, with far more reason? You can't be this blind?

Let me give you a crash course in parenting: your children owe you nothing. You choose to have them and you have responsibilities towards them, and that's it. Of course, if the relationship develops as it should, there should be a bond that lasts a lifetime and makes the child want to reciprocate in an appropriate way out of love, but the idea that they are inherently obliged to do it, because Dad did exactly what you sign up for when you have children until he was seventeen (oh how incredible!), is a nonsense. I actuslly can't believe you're sitting there typing that in seriousness.

He has no obligation to his father and no obligation to make his life easier after these choices. Your son isn't obliged to facilitate and manage your life and decisions that affect him either.

I don't know if this has been covered but for your H's first son his life was deeply altered. He was probably left to do the mopping up with his mother rightly or wrongly. We support those we love and have been hurt. He would have heard her cry, seen her despair and had to be a man before he was. He had to listen to the lies and excuses your H made. It's not just " an affair that was a long time ago". It's the mental cruelty that is often inflicted in these situations and this 17 year old lived that so don't say it was a long time ago. It is forever for him. Your h already had a family so you will never have the " firsts" for him with your son. Such is life.

You are monumentally underestimating the impact betrayal has on a family.

It is not “one bad act”. It is a prolonged period of deceit, gaslighting, undermining of the foundational principles of family like honesty, togetherness, happiness and loyalty, financial stress, change and distraction that impacts on important life events (exams, for example), ongoing tension between parents, children feeling caught in the middle, the end of future life events being able to be shared in a relaxed way, the introduction of new people into the “family” that you dislike and disrespect from the start, impact on future inheritances, inconvenience of dividing a life and special occasions like Christmas between two households, the list goes on and on and on and on.

It can hardly be a surprise that his son has chosen a side and doesn’t feel the need to hear his father’s justifications for his shitty choices.

No leap just the obvious consequences of your actions.
When he was in his final year or 2 of school so when he was sitting his exams his dad and you threw an affair shaped grenade into his life. With that he found out that his dad is a liar, a cheat and no sort of real model nor someone who can be trusted. He saw 1st hand the pain your and his dads affair caused his mum, endured his own pain and had to deal with his dad running off and shacking up with the OW. He had to endure a the undoubtedly messy divorce and worry about having to move house and/or school all whilst trying to study and sit his exams. It would honestly take a miracle for that boy to have got the grades he would have if he wasn't going through all of that. Then we have the trust issues that he will take with him into every future relationship along with the abandonment issues his father will have given him.

How you can honestly claim not to see the lifelong damage you and your husband did to that boy is so astounding that you're either a fantasise, a narcissist or a sociopath. I dont care which I am however done playing your games

I don’t think you really understand the ramifications of a family splitting up due to an affair. My marriage exploded due to exDH having an affair and later going on to marry her (they are now divorced for the same reason we divorced). My DC were much younger and I have never told them why we divorced but they are old enough to do the math and figure it out. They love their father but it has altered their relationship with him.

For him to walk out when his son was 17 and for you to pretend that it didn’t have an enormous effect on his son is cognitive dissonance at its finest. His son doesn’t owe him (or you) anything.

This is a pretty wild take, as a more obvious interpretation is that he was hurt and disgusted by his father’s choices and simply didn’t want to deal with him.

As I said upthread, selfish people love to frame natural consequences and/or boundaries as punishment.

No, his son does not owe his father, or you, anything. I feel sad for you that you seem unable to understand this.

Having an affair doesn’t constitute ‘one bad act’. It’s inevitably a whole series of acts, events, emotions, lies, deceits, upsets and so on. The ripples spread far and wide.

Of course, it would be good if his son spoke to his dad but why should he? He does not have to frame his feelings, loss, emotions or pain in terms that fit what you want. He will want to preserve himself (and his mum) first and foremost.

I do encourage you to talk to your H about the importance of giving your shared son ‘space’ to grow without always having parallels made with his son. He possibly doesn’t appreciate how his comments are making you, and potentially your boy, feel.

A normal loving young person in pain and distress, on seeing his dad walk out on his mum and himself, might try anything to get his dad back to the family.
Do you think he shouldn’t have done that?
Do you blame him for having done that, if indeed that was his motivation.

Whether it was to punish his dad or to try to win him back, it was entirely justified. Or how about that he was simply too crushed or broken or heart-torn to face his father’s betrayal. Or maybe he hated his dad for failing his mum and knew he couldn’t forgive him. Or maybe he had depression or even PTSD …severe anxiety, nightmares, uncontrollable thoughts, suicidal thoughts. Or maybe he turned to alcohol or drugs as a prop in his sadness.

You don’t know OP. Because it seems you never put yourself in his shoes to try to imagine what he was going through. And you have blamed him for causing issues instead of encouraging your husband to never give up on him.

Maybe you were too immature and you thought the love between you was so special that it justified his pain and that of his mum.
Or maybe, as you said, you simply didn’t want to waste your energy/time on him.

Injustice is a terrible thing OP. You never get over it.
You helped make him a victim of injustice. Have some empathy for the boy !

And yet here you are, so crazily defensive and in total denial, that you accuse posters of gaslighting you. You have had nothing but the truth, told to you in hundreds of articulate ways. And you still blame him and now also the posters who are good enough to give you time on here.

You no longer have the excuse of being immature, so my advice to you now, is to start reading from the beginning again…page one…with fresh eyes this time ..take the blinkers off…and with a more open heart. If you have one.

Fuck me. If this is a real response, then your lack of compassion and complete lack of self awareness is utterly staggering. The son wasn’t trying to ‘control’ his father, he was hurt. You are a complete imbecile.

Still giggling at "I am 39 he is in his 50's"

You CANNOT be serious surely?!?