Older son from first marriage causing issues

[Mummamia87]

I would value people’s opinion please. I've been with my husband for 12 years, married for 5, and we have a little boy who's 3.

Before we got together my husband was in a long marriage from which he has an adult son, now 29. They haven't spoken since we got together . Yes it was through an affair which I know that was wrong but it wasn't just a fling. His marriage was effectively over, he was deeply unhappy, and we’ve ended up building a wonderful life together. I know that's only my perspective but I'm not here to debate the affair itself - it was a long time ago.

The issue is that every time our son reaches a milestone my husband reminisces about when his older son did the same thing. I completely understand why, but because they're estranged, it almost always ends with him looking sad.

Instead of just enjoying our son's moment, it's overshadowed by grief over the son he no longer has a relationship with.
I'm increasingly resentful that our son's milestones seem to become bittersweet instead of joyful. I want to say to my husband that our little boy deserves to have his achievements celebrated without them immediately becoming a reminder of someone who wants nothing to do with him.

Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way? Is this something I should keep to myself, or is there a kind way to raise it with my husband? Or do I simply need to accept that this is what grief over an estranged child looks like?

Even if your DH had his son at 20 he will be 49, 46 when his 3 year old was born. This is not good on any level - health wise, and also the fact he will be 70 when his kid is 20.

Is your husband almost 20 years your senior?

It’s completely normal- indeed, inevitable - that the birth of the second child will lead to reminiscing about the firstborn’s milestones. I’m sure that happens in every family.

It’s outrageous to frame that as a problem simply because the first child isn’t yours, and because your DH obviously has sadness attached to memories of his son.

That said, you were callous enough to treat his wife and kid as nothing more than an inconvenience when you went after a married man, so I suppose it’s not surprising that you are doing the same now.

I think you should raise your feelings with him anyway. Explain that, now he’s ditched his first family, you don’t think he should talk or have feelings about his son at all. After all, the family has broken up so he needs to move on. Relationships don’t work if you don’t communicate honestly.

Funny how selfish people always frame it as “punishment” when the people they hurt decide they just don’t want a relationship any more.

I guess they feel entitled to continued access to the other person regardless of how they have treated them.

I can't muster up much in the way of sympathy for you OP, any more than I can for your husband. I am sorry that his first son is the wrong kind of collateral damage for you.....will that do?

Even putting aside whether you should feel any guilt, nowhere in your posts do you express even simple sorrow for his adult son or empathy for what he might have gone through. At least your husband is expressing sadness for the consequences of his betrayal and desertion of his first family; yet you don't even seem to show much in the way of sadness for him or anyone involved, it is all just a huge inconvenience for you. Judging by your title it is obvious you frame his older son as being the problem because of his audacity in refusing to put up, shut up and patch things up with his father at your convenience. No wonder he has chosen to have nothing to do with either of you.

It’s because they have such self inflated views of their own fabulousness that they cannot imagine anyone else not having the same opinion!

how she supposed to call them?

Do you not see the difference in the importance there?

So "DSS" rather than "his son" and "DS" instead of "our little boy" would have been more even handed and more in keeping with MN language.

Her language clearly puts her son higher in importance to his son.

Wow, people seem pretty obsessed with our ages. I am 39 and DH is in his 50s. Not that it matters at all. We are perfectly capable of doing the maths and working out what age we will be when our son grows up.

I do not encourage the estrangement. Why would I. What I cant do however is ignore how upset my DH is. He is hurting and the affair aside, he is not the devil incarnate. Everyone is assuming the estrangement is caused by the son being hurt. If that is the case why hasn't he responded to DH reaching out and offering to hear him? It is quite possible he initially started ignoring DH as a form of punishment and control and has continued as DH has not retracted his actions. It is not correct that I don't sympathise with my DH or even his son. I just think his son has gone too far and I don't want it to impact on our son.

It seems that people on MN are incapable of seeing people outside of adultery. I get that some may have been affected personally or seen friends suffer, but gaslighting me for that is not fair.

He is more important to me. How could he not be?!!

Everyone is assuming the estrangement is caused by the son being hurt. If that is the case why hasn't he responded to DH reaching out and offering to hear him?

Because he's hurt.

Why, what motivation do you think he has?

I would hazard a guess that he thought cutting him out at the beginning might have made him leave and go back.

Gaslighting you? Wow - OP - just wow.

And you don't think that shows hurt?

It's not for you to dictate how he should react to what happened and how it affected him. I don't think the affair makes you terrible evil people, but you did what suited you best and others will do the same in response. It's a bit concerning how totally unable you are to realise this and how you put all the blame on the son for "going too far", as if you're the authority on how he chooses to react.

Your husband created this situation and the onus is on him to do everything he can to resolve it. It's not on his son to manage it for him according to whatever level of pain you decide he should be allowed.

Wow double down on the victim narrative why don’t you?

I think people are capable of seeing past adultery. The problem is that your posts show a clear lack of empathy and remorse. 12 years later, here you are all “me me me” and pissed off that that other little boy won’t just get over it.

Op, in order to gaslight you the son would have to have regular contact with you. He just doesn’t want anything to do with you or his dad. He is probably perfectly happy without both of you in his life.
Yes I accept that marriages breakdown and people find other partners but there should be some honesty about it. A cheat in marriage is just as bad as any other cheat and the sort of people that most decent people avoid.

It is quite possible he initially started ignoring DH as a form of punishment and control and has continued as DH has not retracted his actions. I just think his son has gone too far and I don't want it to impact on our son.

I can see why the boy had to cut off ties with his father.

You are despicable.

Perhaps think of it this way, OP.

What does the son owe either of you? And why?

Do you even know what gaslighting means, or is it some buzzword you’ve seen online that you’ve decided to use to carry on acting the victim?

You and your husband caused this. Your son is is second family and that clearly upsets you. Even though this is on you and him, you’re still finding a way to blame the son. This is a consequence of your actions. This is all on you and your darling husband.

I think that we are supposed to be the gaslighters. Like many, OP had no idea what the word actually means and thinks it makes MN sound mean and increases her status as a victim.

I'm having to try really hard to make the mental contortions necessary for an affair partner to talk about her cheating partner's child in the terms OP uses.

You're actually saying "aside from the fact that my DH broke up his marriage, his son's secure home life, his stable home, his ability to trust any future partners himself, and living with his betrayed mum...he's actually a really decent bloke and it's really unfair that people are calling me out for minding that he's still upset about any of this."

Do you hear yourself? Were you THAT desperate that you are okay thinking like this? Guarantee that you'll change your tune if ever your own DS has his dad cheat on his mum and walk off into the sunset with a woman who blames him for minding...

He owes me nothing. He owes DH at least a conversation.

Nobody is gaslighting you.

Your husband showed his son exactly what sort of lying cheating scumbag he is and caused untold harm to his son and ex wife, that is a matter of fact and is a direct result of your affair.
His son owes him nothing and no its not a control or punishment its an adolescent/now man putting himself and his mental health above that of a cheat and his equally bad mistress.

If you and your husband are sad tough you both shoul have thought about the lifelong consequences of embarking on an affair before you destroyed this boys life in his final year/years of school.

You need to accept that the son is 100% correct in having nothing to do with either of you and any effect his being no contact with his father is entirely yours and your husbands fault.

Stop trying to blame an incident party for your actions

I completely understand how you feel. Does he do this in front of your little boy? That would really not be fair on your boy.

I think it would be reasonable for you to approach this in an adult, calm way, a few days after this next happens. “Had you noticed X” and couch it in terms of the effect it has on your child and your concern at his unhappiness and the effect on him.. (Perhaps not in terms of the fact that you don’t like it!)

The issue is that you are annoyed that he isnt more important to your DH and DH is showing that.

Have we destroyed his life? Lots of leaps going in here with no evidence.