Older son from first marriage causing issues

[Mummamia87]

I would value people’s opinion please. I've been with my husband for 12 years, married for 5, and we have a little boy who's 3.

Before we got together my husband was in a long marriage from which he has an adult son, now 29. They haven't spoken since we got together . Yes it was through an affair which I know that was wrong but it wasn't just a fling. His marriage was effectively over, he was deeply unhappy, and we’ve ended up building a wonderful life together. I know that's only my perspective but I'm not here to debate the affair itself - it was a long time ago.

The issue is that every time our son reaches a milestone my husband reminisces about when his older son did the same thing. I completely understand why, but because they're estranged, it almost always ends with him looking sad.

Instead of just enjoying our son's moment, it's overshadowed by grief over the son he no longer has a relationship with.
I'm increasingly resentful that our son's milestones seem to become bittersweet instead of joyful. I want to say to my husband that our little boy deserves to have his achievements celebrated without them immediately becoming a reminder of someone who wants nothing to do with him.

Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way? Is this something I should keep to myself, or is there a kind way to raise it with my husband? Or do I simply need to accept that this is what grief over an estranged child looks like?

I am not going to repeat all that has been said although I agree with most of it.

What jumps out at me is this. Your DH is sad at the loss of his relationship with his son, yet YOU talk about the loss as a fait accompli and something you seem almost relieved about. You have shown ZERO compassion for the son and just as little love for your DH in being so resigned to their broken relationship.

If you really want to play happy families and have your DS celebrated (as he should be), then you need to completely reframe how you view the fallout of your affair, and actually do something about it.

Stop saying things like 'The son won't speak to his dad. He is selfish and there is nothing I can do about that' and consider the damage caused and the pain both dad AND son are suffering and ask yourself what YOU CAN DO to help them heal.

Perhaps you could write to the son and apoligise for detonating his life? Explain how sad his father is and how much it pains hin to be estranged. Ask if there is anything you can do or say to help to start to build bridges. Assure him that he never has to speak to you or engage with you if he doesn't want to but that perhaps he might consider letting his dad have an opportunity to talk to him.

I don't know. Something. Anything. Instead of writing it off and saying 'Oh well....".

I find it quite surprising now that you are a mother yourself, that you are unable to even slightly empathise with your DH.

Of course every milestone reminds him of his oldest, he has lost (through his own actions) the child who taught him to be a father. Every time he sees his youngest as much as he loves him it will also bring up the love and memories for him.
Im sure when he closes his eyes at night or in his quiet moments he is replaying what he did, what he could've done better, all his mistakes, the last things he said, his sons expressions of pain and betrayal.

It is likely he needs to find some coping mechanisms to deal with the loss and grief he is experiencing.

Imagine your own son choosing to have nothing to do with you and you knowing he was out there somewhere having a life you are ignorant of. I'm sure you would hold an enduring sadness, especially as you know it was your own objectively wrong behaviour.

Be gentle, don't make it about your DS as it's not. It's him dealing with loss, approach it that way and maybe you will be able to see outside of yourself and your own feelings on this.

I was the child in a similar situation and I think I would throw up if I received such a letter in my adult life.

Im sure when he closes his eyes at night or in his quiet moments he is replaying what he did, what he could've done better, all his mistakes, the last things he said, his sons expressions of pain and betrayal.

I'm sure such people are incapable of anything like this, otherwise they wouldn't have inflicted sufferings on their own children in the first place.

I don't think people who cheat and lie are able to empathise.

It is terribly sad for your DH, he probably has great regrets that he has lost his relationship with his son, when he was obviously so fond of him when he was a child. It will be very sad when his older son gets married and has children and he is not involved in that either. It’s probably not far away.

People do make mistakes, you do have to face the consequences though. I wonder if your DH is wondering if he will lose this new child as easily, he probably loves him as much as his older son.

I would recommend therapy so he can come to terms with his guilt and loss without having the sadness hanging over another child’s future. And hopefully you can find a way to explain to your new joint child why he has a half-brother he is not in contact with which leaves the door open for them themselves to form a relationship when your DH is older and needs support from his children. It’s very tricky for you to manage, but in the interests of your joint child I would consider not bad mouthing son 1, so that son 2 can deal with him easier when it comes to the crunch.

I don't think you can do much about the grief that he clearly is experiencing as he looks at your DS growing up. He can't just draw a line under his previous life and move on with you as you are clearly hoping.

I think you should be a bit more understanding about his first DS. You may think (because DH told you) that their marriage was effectively over before you had an affair. Your DH may have felt that, but his DS will have not, and probably got the shock of his life when his parents broke up. He may have felt that his life was not what he thought it was, which is a lot to cope with.

I'm not sure what the answer is perhaps some therapy for DH to help him come to terms with his loss. It doesn't sound like there is much chance of any reconciliation at the moment anyway with DS, but he should never stop trying.

Didums. You both made your bed, now sleep in it.

On a small point, and in fairness, it's not just former OW who blame children from the previous relationship for life not being love's young dream. We get loads of threads from women who didn't start their relationships until the men were single who do exactly the same thing. I've seen them call children as young as six names like 'arsehole', 'twat' and 'little shit'. Men do it too, of course, but we don't get so many threads from them on here.

You wrote “No issue with DH being sad about that I just don't want that to impact on our son.”

You don’t get to choose, though. You can’t change how he feels.

Of course he misses his son. And of course his son doesn’t want to see him.

Of course children are a nuisance and a drain on resources needed for a happy new life.

And it's sometimes ironic because in some cases - not saying this was OP, but women like this do exist - the woman was drawn to the man precisely because he has proven to be the marrying and having children kind. Of course, if he gets with her then he's also proven that he's the "dump, or at least dump on, his family" kind... I didn't say it was wise or made sense. But some women only seem to be drawn to men who already have partners and children, because they have partners and children, and then throw a shit fit because those children don't vanish or fall silent at will.

Goodness me you're self absorbed aren't you? Of course your DH feels emotional, but i guess he should just get over it because you are.

When the grass is always greener on the other side, that mindset is unlikely to spare new children. He should try counselling but you need to stop blaming the son for having boundaries. Not his job to sacrifice his peace of mind for yours.

Unbelievable post I thought I’d seen it all on here.
It’s a bit late in the day for him being sad or you being irate about the son your dh deserted. Also a bit rich because neither you or your dh cared you were destroying him at the time.
Doesn’t matter how long ago the son has spent all this time dealing with the damage this did to his mother and himself. Your dh is having regrets and his chickens are home to roost.

Good on the son I say and I think you should leave him alone.

This all day

OP, you should never underestimate the level of vitriol Mumsnet is apt to expend on posts like yours. Some questions are just not a good fit for this forum.

I'm sorry if the thought makes you feel angry. I have not been in the situation described but am shocked at OPs lack of interest in her DH and his DS having a relationship. In her shoes, having already dropped on a bomb on the son's life, I would be doing everything I could to support and nurture a relationship between the son and his father.

I don't imagine for a moment that the son would want to engage with the OW and ideally the letter should come from the DH with the FULL SUPPORT and encouragement of OP I suppose. Her coldness and lack of empathy is really what has jumped out at me.

I'm sorry you went through this yourself and hope you are in a better place now.

There is nothing surprising about OP's "lack of interest", it's very convenient for her that her partner's son has removed himself from their lives, I'm sure she is gleeful about that. She just didn't expect that her callous shag partner would display some remnants of conscience as he gets older. She's probably more cold than he is but they clearly deserve each other.

All she wants now is more "happiness" for herself and she's annoyed that life doesn't always reward cheaters and liars. She is clearly unable to think about anyone but herself and she has the audacity to keep blaming the victim of her actions.

My father returned to our family and my mum forgave him or at least looked after him, but I never spoke with him till his death. Parent-child relationship is not equal partnership, the parent has parental duties and if he walks away from responsibility, it cannot be undone. OP's son is now paying for his parents' actions and OP has only herself and her husband to blame (not that she will ever understand this).

I refuse to waste my energy on an adult

I do think his first son is being unreasonable

He is an adult now and must realise

Yeah right, her victim must do this and that to accommodate her wishes.

So many people are completely self absorbed and out of touch with reality.

It is entirely up to the son (older) if he chooses a relationship with his father and even you. He doesn’t want that so you have to accept that. Yes, it was an affair. You only have your DH’s side of the story re this too.

How long did it take your father to come back? Were you living under the same roof while not speaking to him?
Not wanting to derail the thread, but OP has unsurprisingly disappeared in any case.

As an add on to this. My great grandfather was widowed years ago and married in secret a new bride only 2-3 years older than his eldest DD (my nana). When my nana returning from staying with relatives she met her new stepmother who wasn’t nice to her. She moved out at 16. Her father ended up rewarding her and her sister financially very well in his will as I imagine he felt guilty about what happened when he remarried after his first wife died. He’d gone on to have a son when he remarried.

No, I went to uni around that time, then lived independently. I'm a practising Christian so I say my prayers for him, but earthly life was destroyed.

So if 87 is your year of birth 12 years ago you were 27. Just 10 years older than his son was at the time (17).

A lot of families split up, partners remarry and are able to coparent and be civil with each other. The fact that this young man chose to cut his dad off completely tells me it was a nasty shit show of an affair that blew his world apart.

Enjoy the consequences now.