Older son from first marriage causing issues

[Mummamia87]

I would value people’s opinion please. I've been with my husband for 12 years, married for 5, and we have a little boy who's 3.

Before we got together my husband was in a long marriage from which he has an adult son, now 29. They haven't spoken since we got together . Yes it was through an affair which I know that was wrong but it wasn't just a fling. His marriage was effectively over, he was deeply unhappy, and we’ve ended up building a wonderful life together. I know that's only my perspective but I'm not here to debate the affair itself - it was a long time ago.

The issue is that every time our son reaches a milestone my husband reminisces about when his older son did the same thing. I completely understand why, but because they're estranged, it almost always ends with him looking sad.

Instead of just enjoying our son's moment, it's overshadowed by grief over the son he no longer has a relationship with.
I'm increasingly resentful that our son's milestones seem to become bittersweet instead of joyful. I want to say to my husband that our little boy deserves to have his achievements celebrated without them immediately becoming a reminder of someone who wants nothing to do with him.

Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way? Is this something I should keep to myself, or is there a kind way to raise it with my husband? Or do I simply need to accept that this is what grief over an estranged child looks like?

The older boy was doing his exams when you and his dad turned his world upside down?

don’t think I’d forgive either of you and don’t blame him, but what a shame the half siblings won’t be in each other’s lives.

I also think this too. An OW or had an affair themselves.

Staggering yet so trite how OW/cheating spouses desperately try to reframe the narrative to justify their behaviour.

Women who condemn women that ruin other women’s lives are not feminists, they’re misogynists… People calling out shit behaviour is not rectitude, it’s vengefulness … Cheaters aren’t selfish, they’re heroic.

The victim blaming rhetoric is so distasteful I’m also half wondering if this poster is a troll.

This is definitely why the husband is with OP, she is the consolation prize that he is stuck with after leaving because he thought the grass was greener.

Of course he is sad, he had a good life and threw it away for a shag with a younger woman. Now he is working it out.

Sucks to be OP and her husband? Yeah, deservedly so

Maybe there will be a first grand son soon. Let's see if OP's h will get excited about a grand child.

Wondering about the age gap too. It's not too much fun having a much older 910 years plus) partner in old age.

You seem to have zero empathy for the son.

Have you imagined for even a single moment the amount of damage it does to a person to see his father betray the family and destroy all trust? Finding out your dad is not who you thought he was, let alone someone to look up to? Seeing your mother broken? You certainly don't sound sorry.

He has every right to think his father a villain, and he owes nothing to you.

"It's been 12 years" - Yes, and this situation is called: Experiencing the consequences of your own actions.

Yes, I also cannot believe she is for real. "Older son causing issues" ffs 🤦‍♀️

Of course he feels guilty. You are both cheats so I have no sympathy. So carry on with your oh so perfect life. You two are the villains here not the young man.

OP you don't get to decide when it's time for someone to get over something, both you and your DH need to accept and acknowledge the pain you've caused. Its not really about apologising, as you're really not sorry for the actions, because it resulted in your DS and marriage so it's tricky to handle.

That’s what she will do in the relationship too soon enough.

The OP is in the FO phase of FAFO. Let her live with the consequences of the pain she and her shag partner have caused. If said shag partner spends the rest of his miserable life gazing at this child and pining for the son he has pushed away then maybe that is karma.

OP will just have to accept that nobody is going to want to pretend to play happy families with her and the shag partner after all the misery they have inflicted on his wife and eldest son. He will have to get used to the idea that he will never be allowed near his son or indeed any grandchildren. Karma at its best and I hope his son and his Mum are thriving without the cheating filth polluting their lives.

Yeah an no mention why the marriage might have been unhappy at the end. Maybe the ex wife was pissed off at being left to deal with their son going through a very stressful time in his life of mid teens doing exams whilst his dad was absent too busy sticking his dick in a younger model. Good on the ex wife bringing up her son to reject people who do that.

Looks like a pattern of not facing up and taking responsibility for the consequences of actions - we all knew it from the title where the first born son was branded the unreasonable one by her,

I'm increasingly resentful that our son's milestones seem to become bittersweet instead of joyful. I want to say to my husband that our little boy deserves to have his achievements celebrated without them immediately becoming a reminder of someone who wants nothing to do with him.

In this and your other posts OP, it seems clear that you are less concerned about your DH's grief and being bereft of his older son and more about his inconvenient past taking the shine off how you think things should be.

His Ds as a teen suffered huge betrayal. The role model and loving Dad he thought he had trashed the life of his beloved Mum. Yes, people can move on and reconcile bit it isn't for you to have an opinion on what he 'ought' to do or how your DH 'should' feel.

Where is your empathy?

It is a shame that your DH doesn't seem to be able to find unadulterated joy in the achievements of his youngest. Maybe you could raise this with him - very much from the pov that you worry that reflection on his first child makes him sad and ask him, genuinely ask him in an open and listening way - whether he feels joy for your child. And if it is something that upsets him, can he find a way to separate his sadness from his relationship with your child?

But in no way imply that he cannot express his sadness or he is wrong to feel it.

And did you use the idiotic MN AI generated thread title facility?

Because it isn't the son causing the issues, IMO.

As the child in a similar situation, part of me agrees with you. But we’ve no idea how the relationship has been managed by the father over the years - these things don’t happen overnight, they take time and attention and if the father isn’t a “better person” now, the older son will continue to snub his father. It’s probably a lot easier.

I refuse to waste my energy on an adult that clearly wants nothing to do with me or his DF

Isn't the problem that you didn't waste any energy thinking about him in the first place?

I hope the son is having a nice life without his dad in it. I imagine he and his mum are doing just fine.

His son is causing issues? His son isn’t even in the picture. It’s clearly you and your DH that have caused the issues. You’re the second wife and your son is the second son. Deal with it.

I don’t think that even AI could have this lack of awareness…it takes a special kind of self involved OW

This- you show a startling lack of empathy for your husbands older son and your husband (let’s not even go into the lack of empathy you show for your part in a marriage breakdown). As others have said actions have consequences. You seem to have little concept that although you don’t wish to acknowledge these issues they are the very crux of the matter you are wanting to discuss. You are hugely aware of your and your son’s feelings. Sensitive to your husbands melancholy and how this effects you and potentially your son but appear to want to discount others feelings on a much wider issue. I think you should support your husband in trying to repair his relationship with his son. Maybe beginning with a heart felt apology from you and your husband, to him and his mother for the hurt that you caused them. Take time to reflect

This- you show a startling lack of empathy for your husbands older son and your husband (let’s not even go into the lack of empathy you show for your part in a marriage breakdown). As others have said actions have consequences. You seem to have little concept that although you don’t wish to acknowledge these issues they are the very crux of the matter you are wanting to discuss. You are hugely aware of your and your son’s feelings. Sensitive to your husbands melancholy and how this effects you and potentially your son but appear to want to discount others feelings on a much wider issue. I think you should support your husband in trying to repair his relationship with his son. Maybe beginning with a heart felt apology from you and your husband, to him and his mother for the hurt that you caused them. Take time to reflect

Anecdotally, I used to work in a bar which was frequented mostly by men of various ages. Many on second/third marriages. So many used to lament about their stupidity of leaving their ‘happy marriage’ and messing up their family unit. They all described having their heads turned thinking the grass would be greener and then it wasn’t. It is human nature to become bored, complacent and envious and chase mirages. None complained that their marriage was ‘unhappy’. Just listening to their stories made me reframe this ‘unhappy marriage’ nonsense.

Yes Yabu.

This is the consequence of having an affair with a man who was married with children.

If his marriage was ‘already over’ then he should have ended it properly before getting together with you, and you should have also insisted on this before starting anything. Then maybe he wouldn’t be estranged from his son.

You reap what you sow.

Your husband seems good at betrayals. You chose well, eh?

Those advocating the first son should "get over it" are assuming that all his hurt is about the affair. IMO the aftermath is often the kicker. Was there a genuinely uphappy marriage or a facade of a happy one or even a genuinely happy but maybe boring one? How did the settlement go, did the son have to change home/school (god forbid in exam years), did they lose social circles, dad's side of the family? What happened to his life - exams, unis? What happened next in communication we're assuming the father has made some effort to reconnect - how did he handle that - was it sufficeint in the Ops eye's but not the son's? What about the Op, how did she handle any efforts to get in touch? How was the introduction of their new marriage and child handled? Where's his mum now - facing a poor retirement while dad lives his new life, or was the settlement Ok for her not just short term but long term (and that of course raises questions about whether she worked or not, could she continue to build a career after the divorce, did she stop working to support the father's career). What was her mental health, what was his?

The point is from the OP we have no idea, and we all assume from our own biases and experience personal or friends/family. But which ever version of that story is actually the case in this story, there's no denying that a 17 year old kid was caught in the middle of it. The fact he is still not speaking to his dad would indicate that whatever happened was tough going and not handled for his benefit.

Yes YABU. You contributed to the smashing up of your stepson‘s family - sometimes affairs can be put into the past and sometimes the family break up is so traumatic that the consequences will last until the day you die. You say you don’t want to rehash that - I bet you don’t because you and your husband have done an awful thing and guess what - you are still feeling the direct consequences.

My dad cheated and married his affair partner. A couple of decades later he has no contact with any of his grandchildren. I think that it’s possible that I could’ve got past it with him, but his affair partner, now wife, really is the nail in the coffin. I don’t ever want to see or speak to her ever again because aside from the cheating she’s just really not nice and has all sorts of stupid pronouncements on how me and my siblings should be living our lives. Despite her being only a little older than us.

I do think affairs ought to be more frowned upon because the damage that they can do can be so catastrophic. You imagine if your own child didn’t want to speak to you - well that’s how your husband feels - he’s lost his child and any children that child may or may not have.

I wonder how unhappy he really was with his exwife or if he just fancied an eco-boost and was bored of parenting and wanted some fun - because that is the more common situation.