Older son from first marriage causing issues

[Mummamia87]

I would value people’s opinion please. I've been with my husband for 12 years, married for 5, and we have a little boy who's 3.

Before we got together my husband was in a long marriage from which he has an adult son, now 29. They haven't spoken since we got together . Yes it was through an affair which I know that was wrong but it wasn't just a fling. His marriage was effectively over, he was deeply unhappy, and we’ve ended up building a wonderful life together. I know that's only my perspective but I'm not here to debate the affair itself - it was a long time ago.

The issue is that every time our son reaches a milestone my husband reminisces about when his older son did the same thing. I completely understand why, but because they're estranged, it almost always ends with him looking sad.

Instead of just enjoying our son's moment, it's overshadowed by grief over the son he no longer has a relationship with.
I'm increasingly resentful that our son's milestones seem to become bittersweet instead of joyful. I want to say to my husband that our little boy deserves to have his achievements celebrated without them immediately becoming a reminder of someone who wants nothing to do with him.

Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way? Is this something I should keep to myself, or is there a kind way to raise it with my husband? Or do I simply need to accept that this is what grief over an estranged child looks like?

Honestly I get that a lot of time has passed. You guys are together and happy but id never have forgiven my dad if he'd cheated on my mum. I just couldn't have.

I understand that it probably jarrs when your H reminisces about his now adult son’s milestones. But I also think it’s understandable - memories are hard to switch off. But your ‘joint’ son deserves to be loved and considered in his own right, and not always spoken of in the same breath as the adult son (AS). Have you spoken to your H about this? What does he say?

I also think it’s a bit glib of you to say the AS should ‘just forgive’ his dad. If only things were that easy! There will no doubt be years of hurt to unpick, and none of us know what AS felt/experienced at the time. It’s good that your H has tried to reach out, I hope he doesn’t stop trying.

What has your husband done to try to rebuild the relationship. Has he said sorry, did he provide enough financial support, did he try to stay involved, or did he run away. Has his son got another father figure in the equation. Does his son need help with anything . How is he doing as a adult., how is the relationship with his ex wife, are you genuinely amenable to any rebuilding at all?

In the circumstances you can't really complain about him feeling sad about the loss of a proper relationship with his older son. You need to support him in efforts to rebuild a relationship. Then I think his relationship with your joint son will naturally improve .

Calm down reverend! Do you want some red thread to go with your spurious moral indignation?

Yes it is, the son sounds like quite the moron - he is 29 after all, a fully grown adult who should be appreciate to complexities of human relationship and have moved passed the teenage black and white feelings

Cheaters! An affair is stil an affair even if it happened 50 years ago!
It's his own fault and he made his bed..

This 100%.

My dad had an affair when I was 17 and left. That was the age your DH's first son was when your DH left, right? Well, apart from the distress I felt at dad leaving, my mother completely fell apart. It was just me and her. It was a living nightmare for me, while dad fucked off with his mistress to have a great time. You think because it was years ago it doesn't matter but it didn't happen to you, you never suffered, so you think everyone else should just forget about it. I don't doubt it is still very real to your DH's first son and no doubt the consequences are still happening now for his mother, mine never got over it. Complaining and being resentful because someone else suffered is the lowest of the low.

Did he leave or did the wife find out and kick him out?
Did he do the I dont know who or what I want flitting back and forth between both?
We don't know the answers to these questions so we dont know that he clearly left his wife for op rather than being a cake and eat it man, which btw is the majority of men who cheat

Why are so many humans incapable of thinking of anyone but themselves? I hope you and your mum are in a better place now. So sorry. X

Based on a few assumptions, OP is 39 (see 87 in username) and husband is likely 55-65 (25-35 when first son was conceived)

Again where is the evidence that it was :-
A, an unhappy marriage rather than him being unable to keep it in his pants
B, that he left the marriage rather than being kicked out of it for cheating
C, that he actually wanted to be with the op long-term instead of just having a cheap fling and keeping her as a consolation prize.
I'm going to presume that you are or were an OW at some point to explain you trying to defend the indefensible actions of op and her husband

The trouble is, he won’t reflect on his own poor behaviour - he will blame OP and convince himself that it was OP’s fault that he has no relationship with his other son.

I’ve seen it happen so many times.

I'm not going to berate you for the affair, OP... of course it was wrong not to leave first but the marriage sounds like it was moribund and clearly this was more than just a quick shag (although the presumed age difference is a bit of a cliche). As affairs go, it's on the more forgivable end of the scale.

But I do take issue with you blaming the adult son for this; you and your husband did what was best for you, but nobody else is obliged to act as though it was best for them too. Forgiveness and moving on might make him happier long term but that's something he'll have to come to in his own time, if indeed he does. I can also really see the difficulty of a 26-year age gap between half siblings, in terms of what it might do to his feelings about the whole situation.

It's not your son's fault and the focus should be on your husband doing everything he can to build and rebuild relationships with his children. Not blaming the adult son and not damaging the relation with the younger one.

The problem is that you have no idea what your husband is going through - being estranged from his son, so you can't relate. Of course he's going to grieve what he has lost - he didn't consider the collateral damage and its possible that his relationship with his son will never recover. Things may also get worse as he misses out on more things - such as being at son's wedding, being involved in grandchildren etc. Telling him to get over it basically won't help your relationship - it will sound callous and selfish, although tbh people who have affairs are generally selfish. DH is also the one who will have to tell your son the truth one day, which he's probably dreading. Potentially losing the respect of a second son (although he won't lose contact). DS might not think much of you either. You said that you don't want this thread to be about the affair, as it was 12 years ago and wasn't just a fling (longevity proves that), but the passage of time doesn't suddenly clean it up. The way that you started out - the affair - is the problem, and that won't go away just because you're fed up with dealing with the drama.

Why is the son a moron for not wanting anything to do with a man who destroyed his family? He's probably got on with his life, and rarely thinks of his father.

The father is the one who misses the son, and feels guilty and sad due to the consequences of his own hurtful actions – which he should have anticipated. That seems a little more moronic.

Yabu completely

12 years ago, his oldest son was 17 - not quite an adult. Can you imagine what it must have been like to lose his dad to someone who, I suspect, was not much older than he was? To see his mother betrayed? To have to support his mother through what must have been a traumatic experience? Just when he was starting to look towards his own future as an adult. That he is angry and bitter is no surprise at all.

It's very selfish of your DH to reminisce about his older son. He either needs to beg his older son's forgiveness or move on. Anything else is beyond self indulgence.

OP - despite the estrangement, has your husband continued to support his older son? His son was 17 when his father left him, so he'd have had to pay one year of child support, but beyond that, has he supported him financially through university? Helped him out with driving lessons, first car, rent? Has he helped him in any material way that normal parents help their adult children?

If not, and he's just sitting around crying crocodile tears, then it must be annoying for you but that's the man you've married.

Perhaps as a 29 year old fully grown adult, he understands that his dad is a cheat and has decided that he doesn't want anything to do with him. That isn't being a moron, its setting boundaries for himself. It would be great if he could move past it, for his own sake not OP or her husband, but if he can't, he can't. You can't hurt someone and then tell them how they should respond to it.

Don’t be ridiculous. A parent didn’t leave an unhappy relationship he cheated and obliterated the mum of the son who rightly doesn’t want anything to do with his dad.

If someone hurt my mum that badly I would cut them off. Anything else would be disrespectful to the mum.

stupid comment

Looks like OP has run away.

I have a stepdaughter myself, she’s 16 and I have been with her dad for 12 years. His first marriage broke up because my stepdaughters mum was having an affair with a work colleague.
To this day my stepdaughter doesn’t know that because it doesn’t benefit her to know, we all have a good relationship with each other now and my husband didn’t want his daughter to have negative feelings towards her mum.. much less easier to manage with little children.
When I said about my friends daughter she like the boy in ops scenario was 17. You can’t tell her a 17 year old what to think and feel, my friends daughter is off the opinion that her dad is a selfish wanker (her words) and she’s well within her rights to feel that way, I’d be devastated to if I my son felt this way about me, but I’d never blow his world apart for a shag. Boohoo op.. does it feel good getting what you wanted?

Yeah, he’s old enough to realise what a despicable thing his dad did to his family with the help of OP and doesn’t want a cheat or a liar in his life - he’s old enough to have the sense to do that.

OP lacks do much self awareness it’s unreal