Older son from first marriage causing issues

[Mummamia87]

I would value people’s opinion please. I've been with my husband for 12 years, married for 5, and we have a little boy who's 3.

Before we got together my husband was in a long marriage from which he has an adult son, now 29. They haven't spoken since we got together . Yes it was through an affair which I know that was wrong but it wasn't just a fling. His marriage was effectively over, he was deeply unhappy, and we’ve ended up building a wonderful life together. I know that's only my perspective but I'm not here to debate the affair itself - it was a long time ago.

The issue is that every time our son reaches a milestone my husband reminisces about when his older son did the same thing. I completely understand why, but because they're estranged, it almost always ends with him looking sad.

Instead of just enjoying our son's moment, it's overshadowed by grief over the son he no longer has a relationship with.
I'm increasingly resentful that our son's milestones seem to become bittersweet instead of joyful. I want to say to my husband that our little boy deserves to have his achievements celebrated without them immediately becoming a reminder of someone who wants nothing to do with him.

Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way? Is this something I should keep to myself, or is there a kind way to raise it with my husband? Or do I simply need to accept that this is what grief over an estranged child looks like?

Sometimes it's not about harbouring resentment, but more that the parent won't add anything worthwhile to their life that outweighs the negative impact the parent had.

If a parent has an affair and leaves, and is (for instance) caught up in their new life and partner and prioritises them, while the child actively doesn't want to see that parent because they're still hurt and angry... Well, time passes with the parent being absent, and the child becomes accustomed to that absence.

Their life may be worse because of their parent's actions, and they may feel as though their parent never took responsibility or allowed the child to hold them accountable, so they have a low opinion of the parent. They may consider trying to build a relationship with that parent to be a potential stressor, and don't think they'd enrich their life... So they just never bother.

The thing with affairs, OP, since you lack insight into the damage is the abuse, gaslighting and emotional toil, the cheated on partners will have had to endure before discovery. Guess who has a front row seat to that, the children in the family home. Is it any surprise the son is disgusted by his father, and you?

Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way?

Yes. Very.

Guilt does have impacts for a long time, so it was perhaps inevitable that if you upset your child to the extent that they don't want to talk to you again, that there would be consequences to that going forward.

I've never been impacted by an affair, so I've no personal experience to gather from here, but I was struck by your comment that you think the son is being unreasonable for not allowing an apology. Your husband presumably isn't sorry is he, he did what he wanted to do, followed his heart, knowing what the consequences of that were. So I actually think you are being hard on the son, he doesn't have to accept a hollow apology.

Maybe if you see this through the oldest son's eyes, then you will feel your son isn't actually missing out at all, he has his dad there all the time.

You DH needs to come to terms with the estrangement and be able to enjoy your family. Sit him down and have a discussion about it, harking back to his oldest son's milestones isn't healthy and isn't fair on your son. Some counselling would probably help as it sounds like he's grieving. I had similar, although not the same background, met DH once he was separated but had similar comparisons which I shut down as it wasn't helpful. My view was that the decisions he and his ex made had no bearing on the decision we make for our DD. That's part of being a step/second family I'm afraid.

Surely you knew having a baby with him was going to make him miss his other child even more??

He’s going to want to make sure his second son knows about his half brother and so he’s going to keep talking about him.

He’s going to have much more guilt than someone who got remarried without having an affair and so he’s going to be trying to compensate for it.

Kindly, he probably has started resenting you quite a lot. He may resent his new son a bit but it’s more likely that he’ll be resentful of you, blaming you for taking him away from his son and now having another one.
I have seen it many times before.

Was it his idea to have this baby or yours?

He should have tried to repair the relationship before having a second child but obviously that’s in the past now.

You just need to encourage him to keep reaching out to his son and try and rebuild the relationship.

It may be better reaching out to the ex wife and apologising for his behaviour etc and repairing that relationship first.
The son is obviously going to feel loyalty to his mum and if the mum still hates him, so will the son.

You don't mention what your DH has missed in his son's adult life. If he's sad remembering milestones of his older son, then I can only imagine that he feels deeply sad about the adult milestones he will never see: graduation, marriage, and potential grandchildren he will never meet.

Hopefully he has got it right the second time because he's going to need you to support him through this.

Classic shit dad behaviour - boohooing about the son he didn't care about losing when he decided to marry his mistress. He made a choice and has to live with the consequences. The OP is deluded if she thinks he's going to turn out to be Father of the Year second time around.

You're in the finding-out phase. Actions have consequences, and now you're forced to deal with them. That's life.

Absolutely, spot on - I am a long-time reader of MN and some stories stick in my mind - like that story where a second wife was bemoaning the fact that her husband was enjoying spending time with his first marriage children and not with the new little guy, how he had been telling her about bath times and playing football with them when they were toddlers and he did not want to do the same with his new child, etc. etc. But a common theme through such posts - previous families, those children they just steal energy from 'our happy little family'. None so blind as those who will not see. Astounding blindness.

If the OP’s husband ended the marriage first and then began a relationship with the OP his oldest son probably would still have fallen out with him anyway.

The adult son is not 'causing issues'. He has exercised his right to break off contact with someone he no longer likes or respects.

Well he might have. We won’t know. But at least then Op wouldn’t have been a factor in the marriage breakdown

"He is an adult now and must realise that people make mistakes and no one is perfect."

The problem is he wasn't an adult when the 'mistakes' were made. So while an adult may be able to get over it, it takes time, effort and willingness. As your DH has reached out there is nothing more he can do that reach out periodically and show he wants a relationship with his first DS.

You have to accept reality, your DS's milestones will be bitter sweet for your DH, he can't change his feelings. All you can ask is that you both treat your shared DS with the level of celebration you want him to remember as he grows up.

Good luck. No one is perfect.

Oh come on. Ending a marriage in a way that promotes dignity on both sides and that doesn't involve lying, sneaking off and leaving one party in the dark is unlikely to sully relations to this depth.
Still sad for all parties but far less room to feel betrayed.

What vengeful behaviour is the ex wife or son displaying?
The ex wife has and is doing absolutely nothing to @Mummamia87 her husband or her son.
The older son is also doing absolutely nothing to anyone other than choosing not to have a relationship with his cheating scumbag father who wrecked his homelife when he was going through his exams and went on to play happy families with his equally disgusting affair partner who has zero empathy, shame or remorse for the part she play hin ripping this poor boys life apart.
The fact is op is scared that her husband will treat her and her son the way he treated his 1st family because hes starting to regret being with her and can see the true cost of his actions and soon enough he'll be asking himself if she was worth it and wondering if he could mend fences by ditching his affair partner assuming ofcourse that he isn't asking those questions already

Well I suppose at least you know what he’s capable of when he decides your relationship is dead too.

What a decent human being for a daughter your friend has. Not many children understand what loyalty is, give them a new iPhone and hey, presto, can I see daddy? I knew a crafty bastard who got his new wife gift the newest iPhone to his daughter to 'build bridges'. How horrible people are.

He picked you but that will always make him a bit sad.

Oh well. Tiny violin.

This. In spades.

Yes, say those words to him. Your child deserves better than a father harking back to the past.

I really wish that people would give consideration to the consequences of their actions and how it might impact both them and their wider relationships further down the line.

Oh my goodness, you're infuriating!
Stating that the son is being unreasonable to still harbour antipathy towards his father- how dare you.
I would have cut you some slack, you were obviously dazzled by an older man (albeit a cheating, shit one). I do understand how a younger woman can be blinkered plus you didn't have the maturity or life experience to truly grasp that what you were doing- the affair- was an appalling thing to do.
But here you are, 12 years and 2 kids later, and you've learnt nothing, you're as bad as your husband.
I feel dreadfully sorry for your son and hope for his sake- no-one else's- that his father is able to fully engage with his milestones.

This answer is spot on.

OP and her DH hurt a child so profoundly that they have undoubtedly altered the course of his life. Now she wants the grown-up who was that child to just get over it so she can have the happy life she dreamed of. Meanwhile eldest son, remembering the pain these two inflicted on him, has decided his best chance of happiness lies in keeping far away from them.

I think the pp about men don't leave happy marriages is not true. I dont think that leaving a marriage was always, or often, the primary focus. Quite often the man leaves the wife AFTER the wife has found out about the affair and the wife ends the marriage. The man wanted an affair because he wanted an affair. Leaving his wife wasnt a factor. Because if he intended to leave an unhappy marriage, that is the action he would have done. Some men have multiple affairs, or long term affairs. They have no intention of leaving their marriages. They only leave when their wife finds out and begging doesn't change her mind.

Id be interested to know if op’s husband left his marriage before or after his wife found out and also what prompted him to leave the marriage.

but ultimately, op’s husband chose his mistress over his son. Of course his son does not want anything to so with him. Id also be curious to know what over the years the op’s husband has done to try to improve his relationship with his son…

Imagine being the sort of person who chooses their mistress over their son.

And then being sad because that son doesn't want anything more to do with them.