Older son from first marriage causing issues

[Mummamia87]

I would value people’s opinion please. I've been with my husband for 12 years, married for 5, and we have a little boy who's 3.

Before we got together my husband was in a long marriage from which he has an adult son, now 29. They haven't spoken since we got together . Yes it was through an affair which I know that was wrong but it wasn't just a fling. His marriage was effectively over, he was deeply unhappy, and we’ve ended up building a wonderful life together. I know that's only my perspective but I'm not here to debate the affair itself - it was a long time ago.

The issue is that every time our son reaches a milestone my husband reminisces about when his older son did the same thing. I completely understand why, but because they're estranged, it almost always ends with him looking sad.

Instead of just enjoying our son's moment, it's overshadowed by grief over the son he no longer has a relationship with.
I'm increasingly resentful that our son's milestones seem to become bittersweet instead of joyful. I want to say to my husband that our little boy deserves to have his achievements celebrated without them immediately becoming a reminder of someone who wants nothing to do with him.

Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way? Is this something I should keep to myself, or is there a kind way to raise it with my husband? Or do I simply need to accept that this is what grief over an estranged child looks like?

I think it must be absolutely mortifying for teenagers is one of their parents has an affair with someone nearer their age. They will know their friends are thinking ‘dirty old man’ about their father.

Imagine 14 years from now, when your son is 17, and you discover that your DH has been cheating because he's finally found "the one" (third time's a charm). All your son's memories of his happy childhood seem like lies.

Your DH has lost his first son, due to his own behaviour, so no wonder he feels guilt and grief. A little sadness at your son's milestones seems a small price to pay for the devastation you two caused.

Exactly this, if miserable end things first! You can almost guarantee he didn’t because he wouldn’t jump until he thought he had a better option…. His explaination would have most likely been
‘my wife doesn’t understand me, she’s neglecting me…..we’re basically room mates’

Given the ages the wife was likely under appreciated, undervalued possibly perimenopausal and her husband had an affair with someone almost young enough to be his daughter.. it’s all such a cliche.

I had a friend who says she honestly wished her dad had died rather than run off with a woman 6 years older than his daughter.

If he'd died she'd have missed him terribly but would have still believed him to be the loving, decent, wonderful man she thought she knew.

Instead she discovered he was a liar, a cheat, shagging around on his wife and children while pretending he was working away, putting them in debt while he paid for his secret life and giving her mum an STD.

She and her siblings loathe him. Every memory of childhood is tainted in retrospect because of the lies and half truths. He's never been allowed to meet his grandchildren and he's nothing but a horrible memory to his family.

My old boss left a very happy marriage for the woman he had an affair with - he told me this himself. The affair originally started out of boredom rather than any actual unhappiness, and then it somehow seemed to spiral out of control.

He desperately regretted it afterwards as he realised far too that his new wife was younger and more glamorous but lacked the intelligence, kindness and sense of humour that he had loved about his first wife. He also felt desperately sad about having wrecked his children's lives, and having new children with his new wife only reminded him of that. If he could have turned back the clock, then I'm 100% sure that he would have done, but he knew that the damage had been done and so he tried to make the best of the situation that he had created.

We had originally been good friends, but I lost all respect for him when I realised how easily his head had been turned and how lightly he had tossed aside his first wife and children. I told him this quite honestly, and he said that he had lost respect for himself as well. I did feel kind of sorry for him, but equally, you reap what you sow.

I wouldn't mind betting that many men on second marriages realise far too late that they have made a mistake but it's too late by that time for them to do anything about it. I think women tend to think things through more but I could be wrong.

Your update is so grim. Basically why can't the son, who was still a child when the affair happened, be the bigger person 😫As pp have said the son is doing nothing to your DH or you - he is simply choosing not to engage with people who he doesn't want to. Affairs aren't "a mistake" - the underhand behaviour, lying and inevitable gaslighting speak to peoples characters.

Spot on.

YABU

That’s exactly it @OttersOnAPlane

your whole life before it becomes a lie. Most children think their fathers are heroes. Then you suddenly find out he will prioritise sex above decency, integrity, morals, his own children. And then you sit your alevel exams. A few posters have berated others for being smug about the ops predicament. What goes around comes around. I’m sure they were pretty smug when shagging away unbeknownst to his wife and children.

This.

These married men and the women they cheat with don't care how their behaviour and lies badly affected their first partner and the children. They just put themselves first.

So frankly they should not be surprsed or claim to be hurt when their kids no longer want anything to do with them.

You are not being unreasonable. You are being selfish, thick and incredibly tone deaf. You feel resentful? Amazing.

I have a friend in first wife’s situation.
She told me she thought they were happy- planning a holiday the week before she found out he’d been having an affair with a woman 20 years younger than her.
The younger woman told her- forcing the issue - as it emerged he’d hoped to keep the affair a secret.
He cried when found out, ending up leaving 2 days later - the OW was pregnant.
He has told her he regrets it. His son was 18 at the time, fell into a depression affecting his life going forward.

It isn't for you to say that the son is being unreasonable. How incredibly high handed and arrogant.

Yes, yes and yes again. Your title on this thread, OP - Older Son from first marriage causing issues - this young man hasn't done anything other than look after his own mental health. That he won't engage with is Dad is not something you can control.

You could have put the title as -
Cheating DH put me before his family
DH loves his first son more than our son
Adult DSS won't do what I want
and so on.

A few people have quoted me, as I thought they would. Sure, people can harbor resentment. I know of one particular person where this is exactly the case. If the wounded party wish to punish the instigator by eating their heart out for the rest of their life and holding grudges then that’s on them I guess.

like a pp @Winederlust i think?( Sorry if I got that wrong). Mum had an affair when I was 12 also. She eventually married him. I wasn’t his biggest fan but…life I guess. You grow up, you look back with different eyes, you see that things weren’t great and while you love both parents you see that like everyone else, including you, they’re flawed. I don’t know what I would have done without my mum in my life. I would have been poorer for it, so would my children. I would have broken her heart.

Yes, clearly he should just forget about the older son. He sounds like such an inconvenience.

Or maybe you could encourage him to try to fix things because it seems like he isn’t going to just forget about him.

The bit you are not getting here is that the cheater seldom bothers to tell their spouse that they are unhappy.

My XH left for his AP. As far as I was aware we had a happy marriage. It certainly seemed that way. Evidently he wasn’t happy but then he should have had the fucking balls to tell me that

I have zero problem with him leaving if he was unhappy. I have zero problem with him finding someone else that did make him happy. It’s the deceit, the lying, the gaslighting, the sneaking about, the lack of respect, the having to go through the horror of sensing they are lying but not being able to confirm it until you completely lose sight of who you have become. THAT is the problem and what PP on here are trying to get across

@Mummamia87 He is an adult now and must realise that people make mistakes and no one is perfect

Bloody hell. A ‘mistake’ is when you forget to bring home the juice or chocolate bar you were asked to get, it’s really poor form to label an affair a ‘mistake’.

Neither of you are unreasonable with your feelings. However, you can't rwally tell your husband to get over it and not be sad. His feelings are very natural. Imagine your son didn't want to see you, i bet you would feel very sad when you saw other parents with their children and grandchildren. Just cause ther is a new todler, doesn't mean his first child has been replaced in hia mind. There will always be a shadow.

This in spades.

This

Bravo

You are resentful? Wow. The lack of any insight here is baffling.

Its called consequences OP, and whatever lies your DH told you at the time, the truth is, that the two of you ripped a family apart. Did you think you could just skip off into the sunset and it'll all be fine? Well, welcome to the real world. You hurt, and significantly changed, possibly even ruined, at least two other peoples lives and you honestly expect one of them to just shrug it off so you don't have to feel sad now. Karmas a bitch, and she doesn't always turn up the way the expect.

It seems pointless to mope about having no contact with your son while clearly doing nothing to try and instigate a meaningful relationship with him. Either he tries to make amends with first son or frankly he needs to focus solely on your other child.