Older son from first marriage causing issues

[Mummamia87]

I would value people’s opinion please. I've been with my husband for 12 years, married for 5, and we have a little boy who's 3.

Before we got together my husband was in a long marriage from which he has an adult son, now 29. They haven't spoken since we got together . Yes it was through an affair which I know that was wrong but it wasn't just a fling. His marriage was effectively over, he was deeply unhappy, and we’ve ended up building a wonderful life together. I know that's only my perspective but I'm not here to debate the affair itself - it was a long time ago.

The issue is that every time our son reaches a milestone my husband reminisces about when his older son did the same thing. I completely understand why, but because they're estranged, it almost always ends with him looking sad.

Instead of just enjoying our son's moment, it's overshadowed by grief over the son he no longer has a relationship with.
I'm increasingly resentful that our son's milestones seem to become bittersweet instead of joyful. I want to say to my husband that our little boy deserves to have his achievements celebrated without them immediately becoming a reminder of someone who wants nothing to do with him.

Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way? Is this something I should keep to myself, or is there a kind way to raise it with my husband? Or do I simply need to accept that this is what grief over an estranged child looks like?

I do think his first son is being unreasonable to point blank ignore him. He has not even given him an opportunity to apologise. He is an adult now and must realise that people make mistakes and no one is perfect

Mistakes are minor lapses in judgment, but an affair is a series of deliberate choices that destroy a family's foundation. The son has every right to protect his peace and decline a relationship with his father. Becoming an adult means understanding accountability, and part of the father's accountability is accepting that his past actions cost him his relationship with his son.

Well, a rich (probably, given the trade) man in his sixties ish (probably given the age of his son) whose cohort are near to/have started enjoying their golden decade of travelling, hobbies and leisure often with their adult children - has swapped that for all the stress, work and financial obligation of a child in round 2 for 2 more decades, and an estranged son…so resentment of this new life (even though he chose this and has himself to blame) isn’t going to take long.

OP you are incredibly self centred.

You are sad that your son's celebrations are overshadowed by his father's grief over his other son.
How do you think the other child's mother feels about the grief inflicted by you two on HER child?

You are going to have to suck this up all your life just as she has to.

You've got some fucking nerve.

Classic case of fucking around and finding out.
All fun and games during the fucking around period.
Not so fun in the finding out period.
This is what you’ve done so I guess you just need to live with it.

Given his father cheated on his mother when he was 17 resulting in a family break up- no surprises here.
I’m guessing you are much younger as well.

you reap what you sow here.

There are endless threads on Mumsnet where the wife has been stranded in a miserable marriage for far too long. There are plenty of men in similar situations.

"An affair" is often just a long-overdue catalyst that helps end such unhappy unions.

We're talking about a permanent estrangement, which under the stated circumstances (parent leaving a very unhappy marriage for a new relationship, a very common occurrence) certainly seems inappropriately harsh and vengeful.

But what kind of person has the affair first before ending the marriage?

of course there are many miserable marriages, you always have the option of ending it before you start out on a new relationship.

to have the affair first is abhorrently selfish and keeps your own interest protected (better check the grass is greener first) whilst utterly destroying your teenage child’s world.

Yes, I agree that OP is coming across remarkably self centred. There is the obvious lack of care shown to her DH’s first child and that child’s mother, but I’m also surprised that she doesn’t really seem to care that her DH is sad either - she’s just concerned by how it impacts her. She’s dressed it up as concern for her child, but I highly doubt her 3 year old has noticed or would care. I suspect the reality is that OP is uncomfortable because she’s being confronted by the result of their immorality.

Don't get me wrong, her DH gets little sympathy from me. But I’d expect OP to show a little more care to her husband!

Yes - and everyone impacted is entitled to react how they want. Every situation will be slightly different, every lie told, every relative upset.

life is awful sometimes - people can be selfish and cruel. This man decided to behave this way. Lots of people do this - and they rarely get away with no consequences.

But what kind of person has the affair first before ending the marriage?

Many, many kinds of people. Have a look around at real life, it's often much more complicated and interesting than the soaps.

One of the most common kinds of unhappy marriage in Mumsnet involves women who would love to leave and start a new life, but lack enough support and financial security to do so. Many of these women would love to be able to establish a supportive relationship BEFORE ending their marriage, and at least some manage to achieve that.

Karma is going to be a bitch to you. It's not just what you did. It's the extreme selfishness and lack of empathy you show others. People like you tend to reap what they sow.

What's more likely?

That the son is being irrationally 'vengeful', or that OP, being deeply biased and wanting to minimise the damage she helped cause through the affair, and also not being privy to the actual state of her husband's previous marriage, may have misrepresented the circumstances?

Agreed.

@Mummamia87 Now is the time for you to mature and grow up. You chose a man who already has a family now you deal with it. You could have married someone who wasn't attached yet.

First step: help your dh to mend his relationship with his first born son.

And the way you phrased your thread title says it all. It's not your husband's son who causes issues, you and your h have caused the issues to begin with. His first born isn't doing anything.

So grow up and help your h build a genuine relationship with his son.

Could you be anymore entitled and self-centred OP?

You and your partner had an affair and is marriage ended which no doubt caused serious grief to his former wife and his elder son.

So of course his elder son is going to resent him, and you, for it.

What else did you expect?

His son does not owe you or him anything and can choose not to want to play happy family.

As they say you made your bed...

I bet his son would have reacted very differently is his father had had the decency to end his marriage first before finding a new partner as people will ultimately understand that some relationships don't last forever and that it is better to end an unhappy marriage. However adultery is a betrayal and not something people will forget or forgive.

Like PPs I would predict that he won’t be around for too much longer. He will be looking for the next upgrade as you approach 40.

No, 'an affair' is the attempt of a coward, who lacks integrity and compassion, to have their cake and eat it too. There is no justification for a person choosing to betray their family and partner by lying and cheating, instead of ending the unhappy relationship with honesty and civility.

Are you talking about yourself here?

It is never ok imo to start a new relationship before first ending the old one. Looking for a new meal ticket to replace the old one is not a valid justification. There are many women who manage to leave desperate situations without having affairs.

Yes, all kinds of people have affairs, but they all have one thing in common... they lack a proper moral compass.

There's no reason to believe the OP has misrepresented the situation.

Sadly most responses to this thread are just anther display of the kneejerk misogyny we often see in Mumsnet directed at "the other woman", despite all regular readers here being more than familiar with how common unhappy marriages are in real life.

To the minority taking lumps out of the 29 year olds, we don’t know what kind of dad this man was to his older son. Deciding not to have a relationship with a parent is a huge step. It is usually about protecting yourself - if it was vengeful or a punishment the estrangement wouldn’t have lasted this long.

this is someone who decided their life would be better without their dad. It’s all very sad.

have their cake and eat it too

This spouse left the marriage for the new partner, so clearly that's not the case.

All those sneering "fuck around and find out!" are telling us what kind of people they are - hard, ruthless, vengeful and very nasty. Whether male or female, it's very clear why their spouses leave them, and doubtless regret not having done so years ago.

Seriously? Even the title of her post is a misrepresentation of the situation!

On top of that, she pulled out the 'their marriage was basically over, deeply unhappy' cliche that I feel most wives are very surprised to hear, considering they thought they and their husband were happy before he decided to cheat!

She can't even muster up sympathy for her husband, making his grief and guilt over the estrangement with his son into an annoying problem that bothers her. She seems wholly selfish and lacking in self-awareness, frankly.

And no, it has nothing to do with misogyny - criticising a woman for freely partaking in something damaging and hurtful that destroyed a family isn't misogyny, it's a fair judgement. It would be misogyny if her husband was let off the hook, but none of the posters here have anything good to say about him either - and neither should they, because he's much worse than she is.

Oh dear OP, I hope you've got your hard hat on. Your post title is misleading - older son has done nothing to cause issues, it's your DH who is causing issues here. I'm not really sure what you're expecting from people here. It's true that happy people don't have affairs, but it's also true that decent people end one relationship before embarking on another.

What is DH doing to try to repair the relationship with his son? That would be the starting point.

There is actually every reason to believe that the OP may have misrepresented the situation. I'm sure it serves her to believe that her husband's marriage was desperately unhappy before the affair destroyed it but she doesn't exactly have a neutral perspective on the matter and we have no idea how honest her H was with her in any case. Perhaps his first marriage was unhappy or perhaps it wasn't. We cannot possibly know and it doesn't really matter anyway, because the fact is that he didn't choose to end the relationship before jumping into bed with the OP. And that makes him the one at fault regardless of whatever else may have been going on at the time.

It isn't misogynistic to believe that affairs are wrong. If people don't believe in the idea of monogamy or commitment, then they are under no obligation to get married in the first place, but if you choose to enter into a committed and monogamous relationship with someone, then it is simply common decency to ensure that you end that relationship properly before getting involved with anyone else. And if someone else is already in a committed and monogamous relationship with another person, then you simply don't get involved with them while they are still in that relationship. It isn't rocket science.

Many, many kinds of people. Have a look around at real life, it's often much more complicated and interesting than the soaps.

And what do those people have in common?

Selfishness, cowardice, putting their urge for a shag above the needs of their children, disrespect for their spouse to whom they had made a lifelong commitment, short-sightedness as to the long term consequences of taking a new fuck buddy, and a talent for rewriting to past to make excuses for betraying people they are supposed to love.

In an unhappy relationship? Leave, with the blessing of all who care about you.
Having an affair? Get in the bin, you cowardly piece of trash.

The OP's husband chose the latter and is reaping his just deserts.