There We Are Then - part 3

[mummy917]

And another 🤣

That's what Mum's are for!

“Though she is but little, she is fierce”

at 5’1”, one of my very favourite Shakespeare quotes. Go Mum!

@mummy917 I think when their Dad lets them down as they get older your kids will work out the score. Kindly, it won’t help them learn how to deal with disappointment if you save things every time he can’t be arsed though.

Especially as kids get older they will give him so much grief for not taking them to parties or clubs, they will be vocal when he doesn’t have the things they need and they will ask to be with you. He may feel he is winning a few battles by not stepping up but ultimately it will rebound on him. Don’t step in OP it’s his life and his relationship with his kids. They need to see him for who he is you’re not there to save them from him anymore. Concentrate on being the best parent you can be in your time with them.

I gave my 'little' DD that on a fridge magnet. I wasn't joking!

I totally get what everyone is saying. I know I need to do it, I just feel so guilty that I know the kids will miss out on things. I think it’ll just take time to get used to it.

And please don’t explain for him:
Daddy didn’t take you to Lily’s party? That’s really sad. No, I don’t know why he didn’t. Perhaps you could ask him on Wednesday?
It really is for him to explain and manage his children’s disappointment 😔

That car of his was probably playing up again.

I think your ex is an absolute piece of shit. Every update I read where he's said or done something nasty to you makes me feel an anger very deep inside of me. You're doing amazing!!

I don't imagine for a second that he'll co-operate or agree to anything reasonable, but with the parties, if it was me I would suggest to him that one of you takes the child to the party while the other looks after the other 3 kids. As I'm not sure how I would manage it myself when they're little and you have to stay with them at the party, so would have to drag the other kids along. Like I say, I don't imagine for a second he would agree to do anything when its not his weekend, so you would do what you need to do yourself, but if a party falls on his weekend I would ask are you taking X to the party, if not I will. Just because its for the kids, and I'd want them to know they can always rely on me. Its also a lovely chance to have 1:1 time with that child.
I'd also feel like its a middle finger to him each time that you put the kids first and come swooping in to save the day, cos he's so incompetent.

It's really tough. I remember friends of my children, and also children I taught, who missed parties due to them falling on feckless dads' weekends. I think I would be more inclined to push for him to take them if it was at all possible for me but I think that might unleash his texty wrath in your case.

@mummy917 he seems to care about what other people think of him, I’d play on that. I’d tell him that if he doesn’t take them to parties that he’s agreed to that other parents will judge him as it’s really inconsiderate to the host.

I do think you need to come to an agreement about parties so you at least have it in writing how he is willing to approach them.

I think the most logical choice would be that the other parent who doesn’t have the kids that weekend takes that individual child to the party (it’s no fun dragging 3 other kids along). Party invites come out weeks in advance, obviously there will be the odd party that one of you won’t be able to cover as you have plans on your weekend off, but this should be known at the time of agreeing to the party. I’d just address it as you want to get something in place as you know party invites are going to start rolling in soon and obviously it’s in the children’s’ best interests to go to them. Yes you are doing 50/50, but you are both obviously parents 100% of the time and will want to put the kids happiness and welfare first. Just word it in an upbeat way, but in a way that implies he’d always want to but the kids needs and wants above his own (we all know that isn’t the case, but at least he’s going to a feel a bit of a jerk admitting he doesn’t). When it comes to cards and gifts I’m assuming you are going to have to suck it up, however you could suggest going halves on each card and gift.

When I sent him the invitation for the last party my daughter was invited to, he didn’t even bother to respond to it; just opened the message and ignored it.

I would happily take them if it wasn’t my weekend to have them as I know it’s not easy taking all 4, but it wasn’t even discussed as an option, he just chose not to
take her at all.

I’m afraid because your ex is so difficult and vindictive, I would respond to the party organiser that you ex will have the child then that and to please send him the invite instead of you and give them his phone nr (you could even add you can’t pass it on as he will most likely ignore you). Then leave it to him to liaise with the organiser directly. As PPs have said, he seems to care more about what others think of him and is more likely to respond if coming from another parent directly.

I've only read your replies OP.

I have a feeling your ex is deliberately, in a roundabout way, doing everything he does to make you lose your shit and you be the one to openly state 50/50 isn't working, therefore he'll be able to tell everyone, including the court if it came to that that you were the one that stopped it.

You're already saying if needed you'll step up which where little one's are concerned I do understand but all you're really doing is playing into his hands and giving him what he wants.

You need to remember he wanted this split, and as hard as it is to hear he's walked away from you but you should never allow him walk away from being a parent to his DC.

Remind him it was his choice to do 50/50, when he drops off early remind him again "I see you're not sticking to the 50/50 agreement you wanted, again, have you changed your mind"?

Remember you have many years ahead parenting the DC together, don't let him continue to be the one controlling your life.

I understand he is a complete shit, and he will ignore you if he can just to wind you up. However I’d at least try to open the conversation up and have at least some dialogue about how things are going to work going forward. You can even ask his views on how he’d like to approach children’s parties and then give your suggestions. Having at least something in writing before term starts could be helpful.

Also has he been added to all class WhatsApp’s etc?

This. Let him face the discomfort from outsiders. It’s a fun control game when he does it to OP, but if he has to do it to outsiders, he may feel embarrassed out of behaving badly.

Absolutely, it’s really time to get the wider world of parenting (party invites, class group chats etc) involved. Then he has to deal with everyone else realising he’s a disinterested knobend.

If he misses another party it might be worth mentioning it to his mother as he might listen if she tells him , just do it casually

Or (hopefully, as it’s a better outcome for the DCs) he gets shamed into behaving appropriately. Either way, it eliminates the control game he’s playing with OP, and means she’s no longer carrying the mental load for his 50 of the 50/50 for him.

Op. You have come so far. I bet you were very overwhelmed with the 1st holiday away. Give yourself some time to ease back into routines. In regards to the timing of handovers from your ex. This is the only thing he thinks he has control over you with. Stick to your guns and dont give him any wiggle room.

Don't forget, all dialogue in writing OP x

He's so annoying!
The parties are just another battle ground for him, added to the minimising time by changing drop off times and etc.. none of this matters to him. He is playing a game with 50 50 so that he can avoid paying. He's already show how little he cares about their needs by making you pay 100 per cent for essentials for them

He doesn't see the need to take his kids to school birthday parties, doesn't understand it keeps them occupied in a fun way for the afternoon, (which would actually help him but he's too thick to see that because he's really not bothered) or that it is important for them to make friendly social connections and feel included.
He is only interested in his own freedom. He thinks Parties are your job. Please don't let him cement that. It will never stop. He will be controlling your free time long into the future if you do. And expanding it from parties to other things.

@mummy917 I agree with @AcrossthePond55 and @Firefly100 and others. Play the long game. keep to the current arrangements, information diet and keep records of every infraction.
Give them time to settle into school and wait until you can challenge the 50 50, get more time with them yourself and make him pay towards their expenses. It won't harm your DC to miss a few parties at this stage. There will be plenty more and plenty that fall on your time too.You can also organise a good playdate to make up for it. They won't miss out drastically and presumably the time when you can get it sorted is not that far off. I think its worth biding your time on this, hard though it is.

Theres been lots of suggestions, including class whatsapp etc so that you can cut down on reminding him about things, he has to start doing that himself. It will feel hard but he will just start taking more and more advantage if you don't. @MarilynMerlot had a good point with
"it’s really time to get the wider world of parenting (party invites, class group chats etc) involved. Then he has to deal with everyone else realising he’s a disinterested knobend." and also the pp who said mention the parties to his mum.
Let them keep him up to date with what the expectations are. All part of reducing the amount of communication you have to have with him and reducing his opportunities to be a dick head.
I know its all easier said than done and you are the only one on the ground to make the calls but I just wanted to add that You are doing a marvellous job in difficult circumstances. If I was a gambler I know who I'd give the best odds to.

This. Then everyone will see him. I wouldn’t be surprised if he takes her, if you’ve said I’m so sorry to ask but here is DDs dads number, that’s on his weekend, and if I send him the details he will ignore it completely. I don’t want dd to miss out if I can help it, could you please send him the party invite and ask if dd can make it? I think he will be polite to other people, he doesn’t want anyone to know how he behaves to me.

@mummy917

I would happily take them if it wasn’t my weekend to have them as I know it’s not easy taking all 4, but it wasn’t even discussed as an option, he just chose not to take her at all.

Remember the saying "Short term pain for long term gain"? I know it's hard, but you need to be thinking in terms of the next 10 years, not the next party date. What you do (or don't do) now will benefit the DC in the long run. For the DC, even as hard as it is, they may as well learn now how unreliable their father is and missing a few parties is a simple way to learn that. If they don't absorb it now, the time will come when he will seriously let them down in a big way and they won't be prepared for it.

And for you, if you continue to bail him out all that will happen is that you will show him that he doesn't have to be a reliable parent, because you will pick up the slack (as you've always done). At some point, maybe not right now, you are going to want to 'make a life' for yourself on the days you don't have the DC. Perhaps a few days away, days in the city with friends, and even to have a 'love life'. And if he knows all he has to do is snap his fingers (ie not do what he should do) and you'll jump you'll find yourself jumping 6 ways from Sunday and you'll never get that independent life you deserve. And frankly, that you need.

Deep breath, squared shoulders. This is just another bump in the road.

Apart from being a selfish twat. He probably wont take the children to any sports or birthday, because it involves getting 4 children ready & out into the car …. He cant manage it, & doesn’t want the stress. Never mind actually staying & meeting parents, Its just not going to happen
Its abundantly clear he isn’t able to manage 4 children at once.