There We Are Then - part 3

[mummy917]

And another 🤣

How bloody mean. I/we took my DSC to all the parties that fell in our time and, of course, we bought the presents/cards. TWAT gets more and more unlikeable with every post.

He really is a prize cunt isn't he!!

Agreed with VariantHela, then thought he’s not a prize cunt, they occasionally do
something ok, then take your legs from beneath you over something rather trivial, whereas TWAT is just a rather ordinary run of the mill cunt, ten a penny …

He really does!

@mummy917 you are clearly a wonderful mum. Try not to beat yourself up about not finding the perfect solution. Unfortunately, you can’t change the type of parent (or person) he is. I would do what your gut, your heart, your kids are telling you is best, irrespective of whether that feels like it’s ‘giving him what he wants’. There is no point cutting your nose off to spite your face, just because what you want dovetails with what he wants. Keeping him at arms length, expecting nothing, being beholden to him for nothing seem to be what’s best for you and your mental health -and it’s obvious to everyone that you are the best person to be making decisions about what’s best for the kids, and to spend most time with the kids (as far as you can comfortably manage, and in a way that enables you to work and obviously allows the kids to maintain their relationship with him for as long as they want to). Do what makes life easiest for you and the kids now.

Longer term, I really would be thinking about whether you can find a job that allows you to access childcare more easily, because I think it’s increasingly clear that 50/50 isn’t sustainable - or in the kids’ best interests. Is there anyway you could get a role at a GP surgery, or as a school nurse, or outpatient clinic - anything that does office-type hours? Or, is there a uni/college nearby where you might be able to recruit a student (PGCE, Early Years, Childcare, Children’s nurse) who could come to your house in the morning to do the school run, then collect the kids from school and do tea and bed time? If any of this is possible, I’d be seriously considering asking for an EOW agreement, where be collects from school every other Friday and drops them back with you on a Sunday evening (or back at school on Monday if he can be trusted to launder their uniform, do homework etc.) if he pushes back, he could have one night in the week too, if you think that is in the children’s interests. He’s a cock. Obviously, I wouldn’t be sharing any of this with him yet, but I would be seriously thinking about it.

The only people you should be considering in this tricky equation is your children and yourself. Not him, and not his mother.

When mine were older their Dad decided he wasn’t going to mess up his weekends with stuff like this and the court decided it was no longer in the children’s best interests to go to his as he wouldn’t prioritise them and their interests.

Keep note of him not bothering to do things like parties, extra-curricular classes and play-dates on "his" days/week-ends - that will bite him in the backside when the time finally comes for you to argue that 50:50 is not in their best interests as he doesn't parent them properly and only requires that split to save money, not to spend parenting time with them.

Hi op at the end of the day you are the one who is living this life. Your ex just wants to be in control of you so you can’t be in control of him. You might not feel strong enough to say anything now but write it all down and further down the line you can say what you think and feel. He’s taking the kids to not pay maintenance simple as that. Op he barely spends quality time with them but you trying to change this will push him to control you even more. Every few months just say having the kids a few times a week doesn’t stop you contributing to every day items they need. It’s only a few months in your still processing and grieving so do what you need to get through this horrible situation but try not to be too accommodating because he’s shown you he’s not going to be. He has no love or care for you so you having a bad time in work he’s not arsed as long as you don’t fuck up his freedom. Any decent human being would have said of course get some rest but as you are fully aware he’s not a decent person. He’s getting to be a bigger twat each week.

Have you considered asking him to help you come up with a solution rather than you still doing all the organising and planning. Say to him clearly 10am friday isnt working as he hasnt stuck to it once (bar the time you weren't home and even then, he tried early drop off) so he needs to discuss and figure a solution that works. If he cant be flexible when you need it, then there needs to be a plan and structure that works.

I would also be tempted to ask how much of his 50% he actually does himself and if they spend most of that time with other people (such as his mum) would it not be better they are at home with their mum. But ask him to take some time, have a think as you need to figure a workable long term solution that has the kids in mind as the priority.

Give him a chance to come up with some input and ideas rather than putting it all on you to solve

@mummy917

I think the point of 'stick to the schedule' is to document that 50/50 'doesn't work' with him. I don't know if changing the drop to 8am would hinder that as it would probably make it easier for him to keep 50/50. IMHO nothing that you say about 'does he want to change the schedule to make it better for him' is going to be agreed to. For him it is all about not paying maintenance and that means 50/50. It has nothing to do with actually wanting or not wanting the DC.

I think I'd keep to the 10 am drop 'officially' and just expect that he won't stick to it and document each and every time he 'changes' it. You can bet he's doing the same with you.

I know (and am sorry) that your last shift was so upsetting. I think in future if something like this happens, sleeping at your mum's may not be a bad idea. You could always send him a text that you were too tired to drive home and crashed at hers but will be home for the agreed upon 10 am drop off. And remember, you don't have to explain jack shit to him as far as why. All he needs to know is that you will not be home until the agreed upon time.

It's none of his business anymore if you're spending the time praying in a church or if you're shagging the local rugby team. What he thinks of you needs to cease to matter to you so let him think what he pleases. And remember, if he starts to make any kind of 'remark' you can simply put the phone down on him. You are no longer required to listen to anything that comes out of this mouth.

Agree with keeping track of all the things like parties your dc was invited to, that you reminded him about, and he didn't bother to take them.

It all adds to the evidence that he really doesn't give a shit, and is often going out of his way to not do things, just to spite you.

Everything @AcrossthePond55 said but might it be possible he's going to take the children to her mum's at 8 am then instead? Maybe she could just say she crashed at a friend's/colleague's. Or she could just "invite" him to take the kids to her mum's as part of gathering evidence:

"I think I'd keep to the 10 am drop 'officially' and just expect that he won't stick to it and document each and every time he 'changes' it. You can bet he's doing the same with you."

The more examples there are of how far he's willing to go for his gym and tattoos and free time, the better.

Everything @AcrossthePond55 said but might it be possible he's going to take the children to her mum's at 8 am then instead?

This is why OP shouldn't give him any unnecessary information. The drop off time is 10am. If OP is somewhere else it is none of Twattoo's business where she is.

All communication should be BIFF: Brief, Informative, Friendly/neutral, Firm. Stick strictly to logistics and ignore bait, insults, or gaslighting. So when OP asked if he could drop them off later and he said he'd be round between 7 & 8am, her reply should have been: 'Drop off is 10am. I will not be home until then'. Any further information such as where she is and with whom runs the risk of him trying to weaponise that too.

As well as BIFF, OP should also practise JADE: Don’t Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain.

And all of this is said with the utmost kindness and recognition that it is 1000 times easier for me to say than for OP to do.

She has been invited to parties whilst at nursery and he didn’t take her to the last one as it was on his weekend. I reminded him about it and sent a photo of the invitation but she didn’t end up going

Oh, so he’s going to be THAT dad. DD had a friend in primary school with a dad like this—he refused to take his DDs to birthday parties on his weekends and it caused a lot of upset. He was such a dick. I hated him for doing this to DD’s friend, who was such a lovely, bright, kind girl.

I think this is too polite!!

Thank you all again for your help and encouragement in what to do next.

I hope the next party either of the eldest two are invited to, I can just take them to if he refuses to. I don’t want them to miss out because of his selfishness.

Be careful as he will definitely interpret this as you trying to control his time with the children

The kids are nearly back at school, so I wouldn’t suggest any alteration to the drop off agreement until you’ve had a few weeks to see how it goes.

You will always win in the end because you actually want more time with the DC. Don’t stop him gradually sliding out of 50:50.

@mummy917

Or that you're the convenient 'taxi service' for him when it comes to transporting the children. Today parties, tomorrow activities, sport practice, etc.

I know you don't want DC to miss parties, but it won't be all of them and it won't be forever. Right now you're playing the 'long game' and "He doesn't/won't take the children to parties they've been invited to" may be something that helps your case for no 50/50.

PS PPs are right. If you decide my advice in my PP above is good, don't tell him where you're crashing. None of his business and you don't want him showing up at 7/8 am at your mum's.

I’m sure you are but please make sure you are keeping a diary (only needs to be brief bullet points) of wrong drop off times, missed parties, times when kids are with his mum etc, in case it ever goes to court

Don't take them to any missed parties right now. Keep track of his failures to do what every other involved parent does: puts the children first for such things.

Oh I don’t think there’s much chance of him turning up at mum’s, unless he wants an earful straight to his face!

I really can’t see him turning up to my mum’s; he won’t put himself in any position for someone to call his bullshit out. And she would. As she did in that text message a few weeks ago.

Well if you do tell him you crashed at your mum's and he turns up, please get what happens next on camera..

Hahaha I can just imagine it. My mum is small but very mighty and is not backward in coming forward with her words.