Partner wants relationship with pregnant woman after one night stand

[Gare22]

Sorry if this is a long one…
after getting out of an abusive marriage about 4 years ago, I met my new partner online. Up until recently we’ve been together 2.5 years.
its been a breath of fresh air, really happy and seemingly no problems.
That is until back in June he confessed he’d had a one night stand and the woman is pregnant. This shocked me to my core as I thought we were so happy and he said he had no problem with me or our relationship and it was a moment of regret. I was willing to work through it if she decided not to keep the child and we have been on a break but keeping in daily contact since. However, he has no children and this has made him realise how much he wants a child. (We are both in our 40s and I have teenage children) A few days ago I spoke to him and he said she would only keep it if he has a relationship with her and that he will do whatever it takes in order for her to keep the child. For context he is from a completely different culture where this may be more expected.
However, my brain just can’t compute that he would throw our relationship away for someone demanding a relationship.
He has behaved in a way that we would be able to work through it so I’m shocked that this is not the case.
I feel more heartbroken by this than my marriage ending because it’s so much more of a shock. I thought I’d found my happy relationship. I don’t want to be single but I don’t know how to get over this heartbreak and start yet again.
my ex husband is still trying to financially control me and put me through hell and I’m also caring for a child going through a mental health crisis. I can’t take much more!
Any advice, hope, experience or motivational messages would be very much appreciated.

Why did you say "partner" in the title and then say "this is my marriage ending"? That makes it so different if he is your husband as opposed to being just your boyfriend as you obviously took the step of deciding to be together for the rest of your lives and it's not just a new relationship. It is weird of the woman to use the baby to wangle a relationship with this man as she must've used this as a way to trap him into it because she fancied him to begin with. If he wants a kid and this is the only way he can do it then this will be it. You can't expect him to forego having a kid over a relationship especially if the time and urge for you has gone because you've been there and done that. He could also just being telling this woman what she hears so she doesn't terminate the pregnancy but I'd also start preparing for your marriage to be over. Sorry, I know that is not what you want to read.

I was willing to work through it if she decided not to keep the child

So if he'd said she had a termination, you'd have said 'Fine, let's try again'?

I'm assuming that you told him that, although why is beyond me - to get him to persuade her to arrange one? To make him choose between a baby and you?

He has priorities other than you now and if the only reason you'd entertain having him back was if she terminated her pregnancy, he's made it pretty clear that the future child and their welfare/right to have an involved father is more important than you.

Console yourself OP!
firstly with the fact that you’ve done the right thing for your own self esteem and good health.
Secondly with the fact he talks absolute bullshit and you have had a lucky escape.

A decent man would rather have warned you about his feelings that he wanted to experience fatherhood but not with you as you already had your own children. Brutal but honest at least.

Odds are that he planned this ‘accident’ with a willing friend. Or at least willed it to happen.

Glad you told him you weren’t interested in his cheating, lying nonsense.

You will feel better soon. It’s a shock right now. x

"You can't expect him to forego having a kid over a relationship especially if the time and urge for you has gone because you've been there and done that."

100% agree with this statement.

know your worth and walk away . He is a cheater you clearly have an awful taste in men so please walk away . He is a walking red flag

Sorry to hear this, I’d be broken and angry because he’s asking you to take responsibility for some difficult choice he has to do, that you have nothing to do with.

Not sure what culture this man comes from, but in some where arranged marriages are a reality, unfortunately it is quite common to play “boyfriend and girlfriend” until someone chosen by their family appears at the horizon. And follow suit.

To me it sounds all a bit fabricated…

As selfish as it may seem, I would challenge him on the grounds “this child is not my business, so don’t involve me. “

However it sounds like he has made his choice and is trying to simply find a way to leave with an excuse, his big plans being elsewhere.

if he cared for you and was a decent man he would take responsibility for this child, not necessarily for this woman. I don’t see why not.

several red flags also, like cheating, and did you ever meet his family? In some cultures family is king on the lives of others, if you haven’t been introduced you’re not part of his life yet.

awful..please respect yourself, he’s abusing your intelligence.

you can only maybe challenge him to confess the truth, and for me it is likely an arranged marriage coming up.

You shouldn't have been waiting for anyone else to call the shots.

Thankfully, you've sent him packing.

I understand he was the opposite of your ex, but sadly he has just as many faults- just different ones!

I wonder if you married young and have never lived alone?
It can be a shock to be 'just you' without a man around.
But it can also be liberating when you realise you can live alone, be happy and a man is a extra not a necessity.

Wants to hear* (sorry, too late to go back and edit)

@cheekybtch no I’m not married to him, I said I got out of an abusive 20 year marriage before I met him.

It’s so hard on you OP, and of course you’re struggling but both he and this woman are weird. You are grieving now, but give it time and you will be glad you had a lucky escape.

OP this is rubbish, and I’m so sorry for you. Must have been a dreadful shock.

Keep in mind that you only have his side of the story on this… the story about her “demanding” a relationship in order to keep the baby… sounds a bit far fetched to me ti be honest. She probably wasn’t just a “friend” either.

He may have been hedging his bets and keeping you on a string in case she didn’t want him around.

Am I understanding correctly that you were hoping a little that he would decline her “ultimatum”, she would then abort and you would work through things?

Honestly OP, being single is far better than being with a cheat.

Why don't you want to be single? You can be happy with making yourself and your kids your priority.

I'm so sorry OP.
From experience:

1. He was never interested in working through rebuilding the relationship with you, never! He was just trying to play it nice, expecting you to exit the door by yourself, so seeing you're still willing to make it work despite him messing up led him to his next plan.
2. The pregnant lady is his actual interest, I doubt she was ever a one night stand, it was most probably a well thought out relationship for the sole purpose of starting a family with his own bloodline, seeing you have your own children and is probably not interested in having any more kids.
3. Many times people commit to certain lifestyles they don't even know they don't have the capacity to sustain, "child free life is one of them".
4. Take the cue and walk away, he hatched this new plan seeing you've refused to leave him alone despite telling you he impregnated another lady. He wants you to do the walking away yourself while he maintains the slate of the "poor, sorry guy who was just caught in a web"
5. He is not caught in any web, his decisions were made with sound and critical mind, the lady is not even manipulating him, he's responsible for this whole confusion. Get out, heal and love again if you want to. God bless you.

Not if she thought they were in a relationship.

He threw your relationship away the minute he cheated on you and slept with her, not when he decided to have a relationship for the sake of the baby.

Hes asking permission to be with her and fuck you. If you dont know hes currently dating her or leading her on youre kidding yourself

This relationship wasnt as happy as you thought. From here it cant end well. So instead let it end quickly.

The child should be integrated and loved: the child is innocent of wrong-doing.
No reason for the cheated-on partner to have taken back the bloke who cheated on her, though.

And this makes me so angry;
They broke up for about a year while he supported the other woman.
They ended up getting back together and he visited his child, took them out for days and helped pay.
So he creates a baby.
'supports the woman' for a tiny bit until he can't be bothered and/or his original partner takes him back... I doubt the woman with a baby/young child didn't need support.
Then he downgrades to just 'helping pay' and taking it out for odd fun days.
What a prince.

I'm.so sorry this has happened to you, it's like you had dated to trust him and yet you've been hurt all over again. It's going to be so hard, but you will get through it, howver much it hurts now. Sending hugs 😘

Absolutely.

OP, you need to work on your self esteem, and, if you haven't done already, block his number. Onwards and upwards!

I was willing to work through it if she decided not to keep the child and we have been on a break but keeping in daily contact since.

This is a possibility unless she is from the same country. Let him go as he’s simply not good enough for you. You didn’t do anything wrong so hold your head up high. Don’t settle for anything less than someone who wants to be with you and only you. It will hurt but you will be ok. You’ll look back and realise you had a lucky escape.

I think your previous abusive relationship has clouded your judgment of what is acceptable in a relationship. He cheated on you - you deserve better.

It wasn’t like that. The other woman was not in love with him. She only wanted financial support. She got married when the baby was young and had more children
The first woman and he had lots of therapy and worked through it. Been together a long time and have a great life.
you need to work on being less judgemental.