Partner wants relationship with pregnant woman after one night stand

[Gare22]

Sorry if this is a long one…
after getting out of an abusive marriage about 4 years ago, I met my new partner online. Up until recently we’ve been together 2.5 years.
its been a breath of fresh air, really happy and seemingly no problems.
That is until back in June he confessed he’d had a one night stand and the woman is pregnant. This shocked me to my core as I thought we were so happy and he said he had no problem with me or our relationship and it was a moment of regret. I was willing to work through it if she decided not to keep the child and we have been on a break but keeping in daily contact since. However, he has no children and this has made him realise how much he wants a child. (We are both in our 40s and I have teenage children) A few days ago I spoke to him and he said she would only keep it if he has a relationship with her and that he will do whatever it takes in order for her to keep the child. For context he is from a completely different culture where this may be more expected.
However, my brain just can’t compute that he would throw our relationship away for someone demanding a relationship.
He has behaved in a way that we would be able to work through it so I’m shocked that this is not the case.
I feel more heartbroken by this than my marriage ending because it’s so much more of a shock. I thought I’d found my happy relationship. I don’t want to be single but I don’t know how to get over this heartbreak and start yet again.
my ex husband is still trying to financially control me and put me through hell and I’m also caring for a child going through a mental health crisis. I can’t take much more!
Any advice, hope, experience or motivational messages would be very much appreciated.

I'm sorry this horrible man has put you through this.

I suspect it had been going on for some time.
And maybe she isn't even pregnant- is there any proof of that?
How do you know she is?

One thing struck me from your first post- that you don't want to be single.
I know you won't think this now, but being single is probably the best thing, for a while.

It's not that long since your marriage ended and you were with this guy for over 2 years. I know everyone is different but dating within a year or so after an abusive long marriage is pretty much 'rebound ' territory. Maybe you weren't able to spot the warning signs of this man and maybe he sensed you were vulnerable.

You don't need a man. Make your life full and happy with your children, friends, hobbies, work etc and maybe give men a wide berth for a bit.
Sometimes 'wanting' a man can give off an air of vulnerability and attracts the wrong sort.

Sorry he's been a waste of time.

Its sad to hear, but you need to kick him to the curb, hes a problem, and its okay to divorce someone who is constantly disrespectful.

I’m so sorry, you’ve had such an awful time with it op. This man is done, I’m afraid. Heartbreak is awful. Please look to be single for a while and focus on building strong friendships of support networks.

Good for her :)

OP, please ignore all unhelpful comments. You are in so much pain, both from your cheating ex and with worry about your child. The ex isn’t worth a moment of your time, so maybe it’s a good thing he’s not distracting you from caring for DC and yourself.
Sending sympathy, and I hope your problems are soon resolved. Be kind to yourself xx

Yes, it was awful at the time. What time heals. Life isn’t just black and white, you know

I agree.
What woman would be “insisting” on a relationship with a one night stand when she doesn’t know him?
Sounds like they are already in a relationship.

I'm pleased you've ended it.

One thing we don't know is if you were living together?
You refer to him as your 'partner'.

If you were living together it makes it worse as it would mean he had to lie about his whereabouts and your trusted him. And even if you were living apart, he was still leading you a merry dance.

This is rather unsavoury, but you need to do the practical stuff too like tests for STIs. If this woman really is pregnant, he's had unprotected sex.

Take time out from men. You had 20 years in an abusive marriage then pretty much straight in (maybe a year on your own?) to someone who seemed to tick a lot of boxes. I expect you saw this man as being the opposite of your ex husband, and were taken in by his 'charm' which wasn't genuine.

Other posters have mentioned upping your self-wroth and it might be good to do something like the Freedom Programme to help you weed out the men who are useless.

Yep move on and don’t look back.

Bless you, but you have to have more self respect and strength. Of course this is a massive shock and going to be difficult but don't put yourself through this ordeal. You'll probably end up hating him or yourself. In my life, I've realised I'd rather be alone than have to deal with any shit from another man's poor choices and lack of self control. Hope you can move past this quickly.

I highly doubt it was a ONS. This is rubbish, OP, I’m so sorry. But I think you’re best to cut ties now. There is no good outcome for you here.

Get rid and get an STI check asap

@Brainstorm23 that doesn’t mean I wanted it. It means we were waiting to see what she decided.

Your 'perfect' relationship was broken the minute his auld fella fell out of his trousers and into another woman...To compound an even more hurtful situation tenfold, she became pregnant. I am so sorry; I have been on the receiving end of cheating sh*tbags (one of whom was when I was pregnant with my first baby, who shagged my sister. I am now estranged from her, funnily enough). They don't change; they are not thinking of you when their brains drop a few feet into their pants. I felt hurt like I'd been physically punched...But...it does get easier. Once I realised I was worth a lot more than these p.o.s nobodies who thought only with their willies, and decided to enjoy my own company (you DO deserve ALL the self-care!), as there is nothing better than being single, except for finding your soulmate...I met my Husband/lifelong partner within a year. We have been together 20 happy years this July. I stand by that; I loved being single, b/c there is no way I will ever go backwards to those disrespectful types of knobs if anything happened to him. Ever.

@ChaiLou no thankfully we weren’t living together and didn’t intend to for some time at least.
You're right about timing, I met him about a year after I split from my ex husband and he did tick many boxes my husband didn’t. In fact, they seemed like polar opposites. I will focus on my kids and healing for a while.

@Gare22 I'm really sorry you're going through something so unbelievably shitty.

Life is really tough for you at the moment and that's likely a contributing factor, as is the abuse you suffered at the hands of your ex. But they've really done a number on your self-esteem. The fact that you were willing to brush off him cheating on you and sleeping with someone else is sad to read. You deserve so much better. Everyone deserves respect and loyalty, and he gave you neither.

I very much doubt she threatened to abort her baby unless he stays with her. And I certainly wouldn't believe his version of anything! It's more likely that she's not willing to go it alone and he has filled her head with talk of happy families.

But that's actually largely irrelevant now because you've done the right thing and ended it. For your own sake, please take some time out and learn to love and stand up for yourself before you get into any more relationships. Men can sense vulnerability a mile away and will happily seek it out. You have to be kinder to yourself.

"He is from a completely different culture where this may be more expected".

Are your partner and the woman who is pregnant from the same culture?
If that is case, I think it is less likely it was just a one-night stand.

Im sorry for you...this must be so painful!!
Know...that it will only be better if you leave him. Choose yourself. And most importantly recognise the pattern of an abusive relationship. This one...seems like the beginning of it...

Possibly not what you want to hear OP but honestly, your relationship with this cheating man is not worth salvaging. Run for the hills. You will look back in time and realise what a lucky escape you have had

Sorry op, some men are the pits 🥺

how can you be sure he wasnt sleeping with anyone else during your relationship. Clearly didnt use a condom? Get yourself checked out. Well youre better off without his cheating ass in your life. Just take heart that the relationship with his baby mama most likely won’t last and hes going to live the next 18 years co parenting and you wont need to be a part of changing nappies, tantrums etc. Move on, your dream man is out there x

@Gare22, let’s say the OW, decides not to have the baby, finishes with your DP because she realises he is a scumbag and wants more from life that being with a cheating scumbag, he can then come back to you. And you will live happily……and then he will cheat again and you will be posting on MN in 2.5 years, saying that you forgave him and he has done it again. He is a cheat and always will be! He got caught this time.

I presume you teenage DC don’t know about this.

This is the stuff of teenagers. You are a grown woman, get rid of him.

And I am sorry to say that you are right the relationship didn’t mean as much to him because he cheated on you. I am sorry to sound harsh but what he has done to you is indefensible.

Your life will be so much better without him.
Extricate yourself from this toxic drama and let them get on with it and slowly and gently rebuild a good life for yourself.

Because you’ve experienced an abusive relationship you have tolerated more bad behaviours than most. Possibly your experience of tolerating bad behaviour has been part of why you had accepted this infidelity. This is not a man who deserves your love or trust. Ignore the words and take note of the actions. His actions are telling you who he is. It’s good he is telling you who he is before you got anymore entwined with him.
cut and run. Mourn your loss of the man he said he was but was not. Do lots of nice things to help yourself get over him but cut the lowlife free.

Feel sorry for the poor child born into this situation. He won’t stay the course with her. He will ditch when it gets hard…which it will with a new baby. Their relationship is always going to be on rocky foundations…but that’s not your concern. You can be free of him and his drama now.

Right now it’s hard but soon you’ll see him for what he is and be glad that you ended it.

Gently OP, drop this relationship and work on the one with your child.

I suspect he is in an arranged relationship with a family friend & you are the fun on the side. It sounds like he hasn’t exactly been honest with you.