Partner wants relationship with pregnant woman after one night stand

[Gare22]

Sorry if this is a long one…
after getting out of an abusive marriage about 4 years ago, I met my new partner online. Up until recently we’ve been together 2.5 years.
its been a breath of fresh air, really happy and seemingly no problems.
That is until back in June he confessed he’d had a one night stand and the woman is pregnant. This shocked me to my core as I thought we were so happy and he said he had no problem with me or our relationship and it was a moment of regret. I was willing to work through it if she decided not to keep the child and we have been on a break but keeping in daily contact since. However, he has no children and this has made him realise how much he wants a child. (We are both in our 40s and I have teenage children) A few days ago I spoke to him and he said she would only keep it if he has a relationship with her and that he will do whatever it takes in order for her to keep the child. For context he is from a completely different culture where this may be more expected.
However, my brain just can’t compute that he would throw our relationship away for someone demanding a relationship.
He has behaved in a way that we would be able to work through it so I’m shocked that this is not the case.
I feel more heartbroken by this than my marriage ending because it’s so much more of a shock. I thought I’d found my happy relationship. I don’t want to be single but I don’t know how to get over this heartbreak and start yet again.
my ex husband is still trying to financially control me and put me through hell and I’m also caring for a child going through a mental health crisis. I can’t take much more!
Any advice, hope, experience or motivational messages would be very much appreciated.

It’s really more helpful if people read the updates before posting, even if just the first few.

OP has ended things, but is struggling as heart broken.

Whatever explanation this man might give you regarding his choices I would not believe. He cheated on you whilst making you believe everything was fine. The story he’s telling you about being forced into this relationship might be completely different. Just move on with your life and find someone reliable who makes your like easier not more complicated.

@Gare22

Well done for ending it, I know it must hurt, but future you will thank you. The alternative would have been much worse!

Don’t waste time trying to work out what was the actual truth with him and this other woman, you may never know, or it’ll come to light naturally in years to come, either way, it wouldn’t be good use of your headspace.

I hope things get better soon with your child who is struggling. There is a lot of healing and work to do post abusive marriage ending, for you and your children.

💐

Good point! A one-night stand means he can't be sure if he's the father or if someone else is.

I know of an almost identical situation in my own circle right now. Weirdly, it's also a June pregnancy involving a man in his mid 40s and a friend/colleague. In that case, it really was a long running on and off affair that predated his current relationship, and overlapped with a couple of previous as well. If the cultures involved are Indian and Eastern European, OP, I almost have to wonder whether we're talking about the same people.

OP would always be second in the relationship as he may well put the child and possibly the mother first. Money, time all draining the OPS relationship. Of course its all on him.

How many women didn’t he get pregnant?

grow the fuck up

It’s wild that you don’t respect yourself enough to leave a situationship with someone who has cheated on you.

Insane. Get yourself into some therapy and work on loving and respecting yourself and drawing up healthy boundaries before you get in another relationship.

I'm so sorry that your experience of men has been so poor OP. Taking each separately.

It sounds like your ex is acting exactly from the male ex play playbook. The controlling is so common and actually there are some support groups that you could turn to for emotional support. Not sure if that's your thing or there's one near you but if it were me I'd do it, because I've seen the impact it can have on your life and self esteem. 💐

This new guy has proved to be a liability already. Firstly, he's cheated on you - had a one-night stand - which would be enough for most women to walk away. Secondly, its led to consequences - a child - which will be there regardless of what he now does. Thirdly he's spinning you some line about wanting children and needing to have a relationship, I'd be very suspicious. Is he from a culture where it's usual to have two families, because this all sounds deceitful to me, which would fit with the one night stand etc. There are so many red flags here.

It is possible that your terrible experience with your ex has left you feeling like you don't deserve better, or won't get better. Thats why you are even questioning your current guy. Hard though it is, it's better to be alone than settle for these duplicitous, manipulative creeps.

You're likely in shock and possibly denial, finding out all this about a relationship you thought was sound. Much as I hate to say it, it's not. 😔 At some point you will work through the confusion but for now, trust us, ditch #2 like a hot brick. He's an asshole.

It will be tough, but you will come through it. Dont let him 'gaslight' you into thinking you're to blame in any way.

let him go.....simple as that. He wants a child more than you.

no this poster is correct. ffs ...what is wrong with you???

Agh, so sorry, just rtft.

Firstly mumsnet has a minority of angry, judgemental people. Ignore them, they are the problem, not you. Let them fester in their own weird bitter world.

Secondly, I can see that you've ditched him. Perfect - you were way ahead of us.

It sounds like you're reeling from this and looking to make sense of it. Anyone would be the same, be very gentle on yourself while you deal with the disappointment. You will rise. 🙏

I know it hurts and it’s not what you want to hear but this is not going to turn out well at all. You won’t trust him again and the ongoing relationship with her and the child will cause huge issues. I think his behaviour has already shown you that he doesn’t value or respect you. You need to respect yourself and think more of yourself than to put up with this. Cut ties and walk away now.

Read It all through- your wildly wrong yourself. She has finished the relationship because he cheated on her with his friend, which resulted in a pregnancy, that the ow said she will continue if he stays with her. Literally nowhere does she say she wanted her now ex to terminate the pregnancy with ow so she could ‘keep him’ or whatever you decided op was feeling.
i can only imagine what a shock this has been to op and the grief she is feeling for the loss of what she thought was a good relationship. There’s nothing she could have done to prevent or change things, she’s reeling from the situation that landed on her from a great height and the tangled of emotions that she has been left with. I imagine she feels quite broken and does not need or deserve unwarranted criticism from anyone.
i think what we can say for certain is that she will get through this day by day, step by step, especially with support and care around her.

Do you actually believe this story? it is more likely that he has been in a relationship with this woman and wants to continue it.

Reads your update. You are brave. keep going and don't look back.

What. A. CU**!!!
Horrible man he is, your well shot of him.
A lot of cultures and religions reek of criticism dont they?

This sounds like a plot line from The Archers @Kokonimater

@daisyfallout very similar! But not the same cultures.

Just have more self respect and ditch him altogether. Waiting to see if she got rid of the baby is awful and desperate and doesn’t take away the fact that he cheated on you.

This wasn’t just a one night stand. Either he was with this women before you, had continued their relationship and you’re actually the other woman or he got with her after you and has been in a relationship. Either way this wasn’t a one off thing. No woman who got pregnant by a one night stand would be begging for a relationship from this complete stranger.

@truefigure thats exactly it - thank you!
It seems as if people are angry that I’m upset about something I thought was happy and real. Clearly I know it’s not now and I’ve taken action.
My abusive relationship certainly would have clouded my judgment and made me feel less deserving. This man seemed so incredibly different, so I genuinely didn’t see it coming.
People can be so harsh!

Honestly, it baffles me too so it’s best not to use any energy on trying to understand or explain any more to those who are being so harsh or misreading things.
Instead, you can focus only on the things that you can change and control. I’ve found this helps me to keep a steady footing when things do get rocky. These things can be anything that you can do yourself, and don’t need a deadline or pressure to achieve - just keep reminding yourself of those things when you do them-a bit like that song I can buy myself flowers by Miley Cyrus!! He’s got to deal with a lot more from this than you do so leave him to it and anyway there’s a whole new world for you to create for yourself as you will discover.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. But I have to say, he is not the man you thought him to be.
I suspect that he ONLY told you he’d had this one night stand because she was pregnant, and I also suspect she’d already told him she was keeping the baby otherwise he wouldn’t have told you!…. If she wasn’t going to keep it this would have been resolved weeks ago!… in fact she would not have even told him!! How do you even contact someone tht was just a one night stand? I don’t think you give a one night stand your number!! Leading me to think that this guy is either lying about how long he was seeing this lady before she got pregnant, or that he’s probably always sleeping with other women and this one just happened to get pregnant so he had to tell you!

my suspicion is that he was cheating on you with this girl, she got pregnant and told him she’d tell you if he didn’t, then he’s been with her while you’ve been ‘on a break’ - he’s kept you as a backup should this relationship not work, she’s found out he’s still texting you and given an ultimatum So now he’s finally breaking things off, but rather than admit to being a douchebag he’s playing the hero and telling you he’s doing the honourable thing!

Oh sorry just read they were ‘friends’

makes it even more likely that this was a long term arrangement….

good luck to them I say, a relationship doomed to fail! Fatherhood is hard enough for a lot of men… but one who doesn’t like to be faithful…. Doomed!!

The only victim in this is the poor child… you’ve had a lucky escape!!

Block him, delete his number… have nothing more to do with him and pleaae get yourself some trauma counselling for your previous marriage