Partner wants relationship with pregnant woman after one night stand

[Gare22]

Sorry if this is a long one…
after getting out of an abusive marriage about 4 years ago, I met my new partner online. Up until recently we’ve been together 2.5 years.
its been a breath of fresh air, really happy and seemingly no problems.
That is until back in June he confessed he’d had a one night stand and the woman is pregnant. This shocked me to my core as I thought we were so happy and he said he had no problem with me or our relationship and it was a moment of regret. I was willing to work through it if she decided not to keep the child and we have been on a break but keeping in daily contact since. However, he has no children and this has made him realise how much he wants a child. (We are both in our 40s and I have teenage children) A few days ago I spoke to him and he said she would only keep it if he has a relationship with her and that he will do whatever it takes in order for her to keep the child. For context he is from a completely different culture where this may be more expected.
However, my brain just can’t compute that he would throw our relationship away for someone demanding a relationship.
He has behaved in a way that we would be able to work through it so I’m shocked that this is not the case.
I feel more heartbroken by this than my marriage ending because it’s so much more of a shock. I thought I’d found my happy relationship. I don’t want to be single but I don’t know how to get over this heartbreak and start yet again.
my ex husband is still trying to financially control me and put me through hell and I’m also caring for a child going through a mental health crisis. I can’t take much more!
Any advice, hope, experience or motivational messages would be very much appreciated.

I’m really sorry you have been hurt op. You are best out of it as you realise. This man is a cheater (ONS? Oh please!) and not to be trusted. You will meet a nice one who is worthy of you, this man wasn’t it.

wow such great supportive advice here for you OP.
It’s painful it’s awful but it’s happened. Stay away from him otherwise it will be painful and awful over and over.
I agree with pp his story doesn’t seem logical. It seems contrived..oops in a single moment of weakness I had ONS gave her my contact info and now she’s pregnant threatening abortion. It’s not true.

Why are you still with this man? Presumably because you don't want to be single again. But you should have left him when he told you the situation with this other woman.

However, my brain just can’t compute that he would throw our relationship away for someone demanding a relationship.

He throw your relationship away for a one night stand.

He's lied, he's cheated, ge jepodised your health ( having unprotectec sex with another woman) and he's having a baby with another woman. What she does is irrelevant. You cant trust this guy. Walk away now.

He is doing you a favour. Let him go. Him cheating should have been enough for him to be shown the door.

He will continue to cheat, if you are willing to forgive infidelity.

He’s helping you out here.

And although I don’t agree with what he’s done, I understand the wanting to be a parent and I don’t think you should stand in the way of that.

Unfortunately for the pregnant lady, she’ll have to deal with an adulterer and a baby.

You only know about this one night stand because of the consequences.
You have no idea if this is a one off. Pregnancy being a numbers game, it is unlikely to be.

@Gare22 I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Get angry, get mad, get sad and then, at some point, realize that you are the lucky one here. He cheated on you and he will cheat on her at some point. I think you, the pregnant woman and the child all deserve better.

I would love to know what culture/religion has "if you cheat on your partner and get another woman pregnant, you must be in a relationship with the pregnant person so they'll give birth" as a tenet. If there is one, it is practiced by men only.

Dump him! It’s not worth the hassle or heartache. Sorry OP, what man would do this to their partner of 2.5 years? Would YOU do the same to HIM? What would you advise a good friend if they presented this same question to you?

That’s pretty normal fur you to grieve for what you thought you had.
Dint go hard in yourself.

I think you need to remind yourself he is NOT how he made himself out to be.
He is a cheater (ONS or not)
He cares more about himself than any of his (potential) partner - like his wish to have a child means he is happy to
1- drop you
2- start a LT relationship with someone he doesn’t know, Regardless of how a good match they are or not
3- sounds like he is also putting pressure on the OW to keep the child

Oh and on top of it, he doesn’t care about your health either - no condom hence the pg and the risk to give you an STI on top.

Stay strong op. He will come sniffing back

I don’t want to be single

I know you posted that you dumped the man, but this sentence is so sad.

Read up on what section of society is the happiest. Consider if it's worth sacrificing your peace and happiness just to date some man in the future. You could be enjoying life instead.
After only 2 years of dates that's the best this man could perform- a cheating shagger, how completely pathetic.

This exactly.
He only told you he cheated because of the pregnancy.
Even if the lady doesn't keep the baby your relationship is over.
He cheated and he wants kids

When people show you who they are, believe them. Dump and block and get some counciling.

Leaving aside the fact he is a cheat, what kind of man would agree to a relationship with a woman he doesn't know, just to become a father? Not one I could respect. The woman is off her head too.

Nothing you've said seems to suggest he is an honest, loyal and responsible person - why would you want someone like that?

I'm so sorry but you've done the right thing. Not only did he cheat he risked your health by having unprotected sex with another woman.

Yes, it is a hard decision to make, yet you did it and IMO you've made the right choice.

You say your ex is controlling you financially and if you stayed with this man once the DC, if of course it's his, is born this woman will also, to a certain extent be controlling what happens in your life too.

Take some time to sort out the troubles your ex is causing you, if at all possible and spend your time and energy where it will be appreciated most and that is with your DC.

I agree with this. One night stand and he wants a relationship with a woman he bearly knows. Doesn't ring true.

I mean cut the crap and just dump and move on!
can’t believe you’re even questioning what to do here
regardless of whether she’s pregnant or not your partner has slept with another woman

have some respect for yourself as he clearly doesn’t have any.

First, restoring trust after the cheating incident is a lot all by itself without a baby in the picture, and without a constant reminder of what happened. He had a one night stand and kept that secret until he needed to talk to you about the pregnancy, so I'd assume he wouldn't have told you otherwise. For most people, that's a really difficult betrayal to get over and takes a lot of work from both of you to restore trust, with no guarantees of success.

Second, the fact that he will have a new baby, and his first baby, and be negotiating that is a split custody situation means you are suddenly in very different phases of life. You could juggle things around the time he does not have the child, but it reduces his flexibility considerably in a case where you are likely getting yours back (as your children are less dependent and eventually move out) and makes moving forward in the relationship - for example, living together - much more complicated and probably much further in the future, if ever.

However, my brain just can’t compute that he would throw our relationship away for someone demanding a relationship. I would think of it more as his being willing to sacrifice the relationship for the chance to have a child of his own; that's really important to some people. The context is weird, though - if he didn't agree to be in the baby's life she would what? Put the baby up for adoption? Abort? (Not saying either of these things is wrong, but the conditionality is worrying; I'd expect some drama down the road). Bottom line, though: this guy was willing to sacrifice your relationship for (what he thought was) a no-strings shag - so yes, I'd prepare for him being willing to sacrifice it pretty easily for a lot of things (sorry to be harsh).

It's completely over. I'm sorry you value yourself so cheaply. You can't work through someone who's a lying, betraying, treacherous cheat - and the other woman is very, very, very unlucky she has won the poisoned chalice.

Hi OP.

I'm really sorry to hear what you are going through.

To me, you sound shell shocked, and that is where you are, so I'd start there. Deal with the shock. What a massive change the information has brought! No wonder you are asking for hope and positive outcomes.

In time you'll come to see that you are a butterfly on a pin - how to be in a relationship with him when he wants to end yours to be with someone who is pregnant with his child? And the questions around 'what if this isn't the only time?'

He is not who you thought he was. His actions have ended your future together. He has made a mess that needs dealing with, and the mess has ramifications on your future life.

Personally I would give up on him and leave him to however it plays out. I would attend to my mental health and my shock and disappointment. I would look after myself massively, see my friends, journal obsessively in bed at night, and think it all through.

He is not a good man. He is a cheater. You can't build a life with him now. Your happy ever after does not have him in it.

I am truly sorry to hear the news. x

Thank you for all your responses. I don’t think I wrote my original post clearly enough given my emotional state.
Just to be clear, I have broken up with him. Also the one night stand was with a “friend” he already knew - not that it makes much difference and of course probably wasn’t just once.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you, OP. I think you really must get rid of him. He’s cheated once, that he’s told you of, and will probably have another ‘moment of regret’ eventually. And please don’t take him back when he comes crying that it didn’t work out with a woman who uses an unborn child as a tool to force a relationship. You can do better and there are decent men out there.

OP, I hope you're doing all right. You have absolutely done the right thing, dumping this man, even though you might feel regret and wish you hadn't done it.

His story is as full of holes as a fisherman's net, and even if you had stayed together he would have treated you appallingly. He is a man who is supposedly in love with you and yet still felt free to sleep with others. The 'I only slept with her once and now she's pregnant and wants me to be with her permanently and I want the baby' is such an utter crock of shit - even couples who have been together for YEARS struggle with their relationship when a baby arrives. Two people who barely know each other? Disaster. (Although I don't, for one minute, believe she got pregnant from a one night stand, more likely he's been auditoning for your replacement and he just found one who will put up with him).

Chin up, tits out, there are better men out there, but, from personal experience, being single is absolutely not to be feared.

Dump him. He'll never be faithful so just get rid.