Would I be wrong to leave part of my inheritance to my stepchildren instead of everything to my biological son?

[brunettehead]

I'm looking for outside perspectives because this has been weighing on me for a while.

My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 12. We're both in our mid-40s. We were both widowed before we met. I had one son, and my husband had a son and a daughter. The kids were only around 3–4 years old when we became a family, so for the past 12 years we've raised all three together.

In real life, I don't think of them as "my son" and "his kids." They're all our children. His two call me Mom, and my son is incredibly close to his stepdad. We've always been one family.

The issue that's been on my mind is inheritance.

My late husband came from a wealthy family. After he passed away, I inherited everything from him. I also have assets that are entirely in my own name, both from my family's inheritance and from what I've earned myself over the years. None of these assets have ever been part of my current marriage.

For a long time, I assumed everything would eventually go to my biological son. But life has changed.

My current husband and I have both been high earners. A few years ago, he left his executive job to start his own business. Unfortunately, it failed, and he lost a significant amount of money. We can manage the debt, but realistically there probably won't be much left for his two children to inherit from him.

That's where I'm struggling.

My son will always have the advantage of inheriting from his biological father's side of the family, while my husband's two children likely won't inherit much from their own father.

I've helped raise them since they were toddlers. I've been there for school, birthdays, illnesses, milestones, and everything in between. I financially support them just like I support my son. I genuinely love all three of them as my children.

Because of that, I've been thinking about changing my will so that my entire assets I inherited from my late husband and the assets in my own name is divided 50% to my biological son, 25% to my stepson, and 25% to my stepdaughter.

Part of me feels this reflects the family we've built together over the last 12 years. I also honestly believe that if our roles had been reversed, my husband would have wanted my son to be treated equally too.

At the same time, I know the wealth from my late husband's family originally came through my son's father. Part of me wonders if I'm doing something wrong by sharing that inheritance with children who aren't biologically connected to that side of the family.

My biggest fear isn't really about the money. It's that my son might someday feel betrayed or believe I loved him less if he learns I divided everything this way. I would never want him to question how much I love him.

Should I speak to him before making any changes to my will Or is this something that should simply be my decision as the owner of the asset

Anything from your late husband should go directly to HIS son. If you want to share your own personal wealth with your stepchildren then thats ok.
Your son could decide whether he would like to share his wealth with his siblings when hes older.
Its your husband's fault that his children won't be left much but also, everyone's finances can change in a heartbeat.
Honour your late husbands wishes.

As you’ve said, you view all three as your children so I think what you’re proposing is really kind and fair. You’re a family, his children think of you as mum. Makes total sense to me.

Why?

When that DCs Dad expressly wanted their DC and not strangers to inherit their money?

OP can arse about adopting kids but that just means she's still making that decision to again, remove the full inheritance from her DS that is his by right.

If this is such a successful 'blended' family and DS really thinks of the DC he had no input into being raised with, really thinks they are his family then I don't see the problem in leaving his Dads full inheritance to him, as we're his wishes. And DS can choose to share if he wants

Anything else is OP wanting to steal his money because it makes her feel good about marrying a man with DC who has fucked up financially and left hos own DC with nothing

@brunettehead thinking about it rationally - with the sums involved - your idea of 50% to DS is still a vast sum for one person to inherit.

You could arrange it so that DS gets half and your DH gets the other half plus your contribution for him to leave to his kids (should you go first, obvs).
or you could leave the money in increments - so each DC gets a set amount when they reach a certain age, when they have their first child etc? Then everything is pooled and split between their children/your GC?

Whatever you do now can always be amended. You can't both be that old if between you, you have 3 teens.

I'm not sure why you haven't used some of the money to pay off the debt your DH incurred with his failed business, especially now he's back on firmer ground so to speak.

Yeah, I'd think of her as Mum too if I was going to get millions stolen from her own DC.

If I were you I would:

not talk to your son about this now. He is still young and so are you. A lot could happen between now and him/them inheriting. Including a financial wipe-out, care needs etc. but also the years may well cement with your ds the idea that these are his siblings, their children are his nieces and nephews, and they are involved in your care as you age so he may well be expecting them to be treated as siblings.

I would treat your husband assets as different to your own. So I would leave everything dh left (if you have ringfenced it) to your son and split the rest. Given the amounts involved I may not even split "my" assets but leave it between your step children. The will doesn't have to say "everything my late dh left to my son and everything I have to my step children" just "X assets to my son and X amount split between my step children"

Please make sure you have made a will right now - it would be desperately unfair to your son if all your assets went to your husband.

I would expect dh to make a similar will - even if he won't have much to leave

That is an enormous amount of money left by your dh. It surely must be making money every year. What happens that income? I don't think you have any obligation to keep putting that back into the pot for your son - that can go into your general savings.

If you son potentially has that big an inheritance then you need to think about his financial education sooner rather than later.

My biggest fear isn't really about the money. It's that my son might someday feel betrayed or believe I loved him less if he learns I divided everything this way. I would never want him to question how much I love him.

Why? He's still going to get 50% to their 25% and probably also inherit from his father's side of the family as well, which they won't.

Plus, he won't ever remember a time growing up when they were not in his life, so he will see them as full siblings to all intents and purposes. It's not like they came into his life when he was an older child or teenager, where there was always resentment of their presence and they never bonded as siblings and he was aware that there was his mum's money and their dad's money. To him it's all just the family's money.

If your husband's business had done well then no doubt you and your son would have benefited from that just as he and his children would have. It didn't go well, but as husband and wife you took that financial risk together so you share the loss together.

I also have assets that are entirely in my own name, both from my family's inheritance and from what I've earned myself over the years.

If you want to split something between all 3 then this is what you should split. Your assets, your inheritance and your earnings. Your late DH didn’t work or save to provide for your future stepchildren, he worked to provide for you and his son.
No one can tell you what you can and can’t do because technically it is all yours but I couldn’t personally give away my late husband’s money to people he didn’t know.
If your husband and stepchildren don’t understand that then they’re are being unreasonable

this might be over simplistic but could you keep separate the lump sum your husband left you and have that going directly to your son then whatever is left split 3 ways between the 3 children?

My dad has told me he’s left everything 50/50 between me and my sister. I’m gobsmacked he hasn’t left anything to my brother, his stepson, and it’s made me feel uneasy.

If the money came from your son's father, your late husband, then it goes to your son. You split yours and your now DH's wealth between all 3.
Your stepchildren are not entitled to your late husbands wealth, that should go to his son. He would be justified in feeling betrayed by that. It isn't your money to give away @brunettehead

The only reason posters are saying differently on here is because you are a stepmother and to them your child is the bottom of the pile.

Their own mum died. This is more than harsh.

I wondered that. and he obviously loved and trusted the OP enough not to put the money in trust for his son, which makes me think actually he was more fluid in his thinking.

I had wondered about whether adoption was ever discussed too as pp just asked.

Would you have been considering this if your husband's business hadn't failed?

Also, is your late husband's money protected legally if anything should happen to you or if your marriage failed?

I know that seems mercenary but with this amount of money it is something to be considered?

Would your husband's children have inherited a substantial amount from him if his business hadn't failed?

Sorry for all the questions OP.

I think you should leave everything to your biological son. It is his rightful inheritance imho.

It's not that straight

My husband clearly told me on death bed. His all Money goes to our son

And Ofc My step kid's never seen my late husband He is stranger to them.

I think asking your son is a horrible idea! What is he meant to say, especially if he is quite close to them?! He probably won't want to share, but will feel obliged to say yes. Your husband made his wishes clear and trusted you to follow through. You must give your son his father's money and you can choose to divide your money in three. If your son subsequently chooses to be generous, then he can do so with no pressure.

I'd struggle to go against my late husband's wishes.

Is there a reason your husband won't be high earning again?

If your late husband said this to you on his deathbed, then who the hell are you to decide to go against his dying wish?
I've read some shit on here but this is awful.

I wouldn’t speak to my son about this and I think what you are proposing is wonderful and kind. These children will get nothing from their father and you are stepping up as their mother now to try and secure their future.
the money is yours to do what you want with and I think a 50/25/25 split shows your son how much you know money is his while still acknowledging his new siblings. He’s hardly going to be poor is he?

your DH assets should go to his son

Your DH wanted his money to go to his son and said this on his deathbed and trusted you to carry it out

now your planning on going against a dead man’s wishes

I would be absolutely furious as a grandparent if my dead sons money was shared with step kids and not my grandson

if I was the son I would also be furious to the point it would ruin my relationship with the family and I would probably not want much to do with any of you

no matter how you want it to be they aren’t your children or your sons brothers / sisters and they never ever will be

Probably not. They had enough from their dad

His Money is completely protected, Nothing going to happen to his Money, They would have inherited around 10 - 12M, if business were succeeded it's not more.

I and my husband always agreed our all kid's inherit equally if business get's succeed. That was fair plan

At the end of the day, it's your money to leave exactly as you wish, and I would hope in the distant future when it happens, your kids will understand your reasoning. I think it's always worth talking about these things openly, so there are no surprises when everyone is emotionally charged.

Yeah, getting less and less convinced by this thread tbh.

You've already said repeatedly you'd be going against your dead DHs wishes and your step-DC are strangers.

Not really seeing what the dilemma is other than whipping up MN into the step-family controversy.

I'm not going. But considering to talk My son. Because he as all rights about his dad's wealth

He wants to be shared his inheritance with siblings, also in what percentage he will okay, then only i will change the will, otherwise no

I never thought I will marry again or have another 2 lovely kids who call mom when my late husband told me on his deathbed