Would I be wrong to leave part of my inheritance to my stepchildren instead of everything to my biological son?

[brunettehead]

I'm looking for outside perspectives because this has been weighing on me for a while.

My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 12. We're both in our mid-40s. We were both widowed before we met. I had one son, and my husband had a son and a daughter. The kids were only around 3–4 years old when we became a family, so for the past 12 years we've raised all three together.

In real life, I don't think of them as "my son" and "his kids." They're all our children. His two call me Mom, and my son is incredibly close to his stepdad. We've always been one family.

The issue that's been on my mind is inheritance.

My late husband came from a wealthy family. After he passed away, I inherited everything from him. I also have assets that are entirely in my own name, both from my family's inheritance and from what I've earned myself over the years. None of these assets have ever been part of my current marriage.

For a long time, I assumed everything would eventually go to my biological son. But life has changed.

My current husband and I have both been high earners. A few years ago, he left his executive job to start his own business. Unfortunately, it failed, and he lost a significant amount of money. We can manage the debt, but realistically there probably won't be much left for his two children to inherit from him.

That's where I'm struggling.

My son will always have the advantage of inheriting from his biological father's side of the family, while my husband's two children likely won't inherit much from their own father.

I've helped raise them since they were toddlers. I've been there for school, birthdays, illnesses, milestones, and everything in between. I financially support them just like I support my son. I genuinely love all three of them as my children.

Because of that, I've been thinking about changing my will so that my entire assets I inherited from my late husband and the assets in my own name is divided 50% to my biological son, 25% to my stepson, and 25% to my stepdaughter.

Part of me feels this reflects the family we've built together over the last 12 years. I also honestly believe that if our roles had been reversed, my husband would have wanted my son to be treated equally too.

At the same time, I know the wealth from my late husband's family originally came through my son's father. Part of me wonders if I'm doing something wrong by sharing that inheritance with children who aren't biologically connected to that side of the family.

My biggest fear isn't really about the money. It's that my son might someday feel betrayed or believe I loved him less if he learns I divided everything this way. I would never want him to question how much I love him.

Should I speak to him before making any changes to my will Or is this something that should simply be my decision as the owner of the asset

Have you considered formally adopting each other's children?

you can leave your lates husbands 24m to your son , and divide the 3m amongst the 3 of them. 1m is still an awful lot of money to inherit.

Really though it seems silly to me that all this wealth is just sitting around waiting until you die to be passed on.

The best time for me to have had a big windfall would have been in my early twenties. I could have bought property outright, I could have made career decisions and other big life choices based on want rather than on need! When you are young the world is your oyster. Now if I had a big windfall it is probably just going to get saved for my own kids when they are that age.

So I think you need to be thinking about more than just writing your will. What are you going to do with this money in the next ten years?

You need professional advice OP, if you’ve not written your own Will and you die this afternoon all of your assets will be your DH’s and there is nothing stopping him remarrying next year and starting a new family and disinheriting your son completely…Don’t assume because hes a good man this wouldn't happen!

It sounds as if you have effectively adopted your step children as they are motherless and you're raising them as your own. For clarity, I would have that reality reflected in a legal adoption and treat every child equally after that.

How much debt? Are you allowing it to build due to interest? With that kind of money, £3m and £24M, could you not clear the debt for him and let him start over with a clean slate to start re-saving money for his future and his children alternatively? Alternatively, lend him the money to clear it interest free with a set repayment so it doesn't keep growing?

Leave your DH’s wealth to your son and your own personal wealth to your SC. You can’t remove the wealth disparity but at least you have acknowledged them.

My DDad had children from his first marriage and we were from his second. The bulk of his assets were generated during his second marriage to my DM who pre deceased him. He worked on the assumption that half his estate came from my DM so split that between me and my full siblings and the other half came from him and split it equally between all his DC.

This was all discussed in advance and everyone accepted the logic.

I think you risk alienating your DS if he thinks you’ve given his father’s money away. Tread carefully as there is enough money to make it worth fighting over. I would also consider getting expert advice.

Take legal advice on what would happen if you divorced, or your DH got into further massive debt. Plus get tax advice. In particular, does your late DH's money need to be put in a trust for your son.
At present, it is legally yours, not legally your son's, which might be risky.

I would go ahead with the adoption if the kids want it, that removes any dubiety about how and and your husband views them and gives them all the same legal standing.

I couldn’t see one child inherit more money than most people will see in a lifetime and leave the other two without.

Before your husband died, he probably didn't ponder the intricacies of you marrying someone else with lovely children and building a wonderful life with them.
If he had, maybe he would have said "oh please leave 25% to the SCs, my son absolutely does not need £30m" (or whatever the amount is).

Inheriting millions is life changing, and he will feel very awkward around his step siblings if they are left with a more normal inheritance.

I'd argue that inheriting that much could actually ruin someone's life but I'm sure many cope with it. I wouldn't mind trying at least😅

OP, are you expecting to die soon or is this maintaining a current will just in case?

Only preventing bad feelings from the step-DC who got 9 million from a man they didn't know.

I think the DS feelings that 18 million of his inheritance from his Father that expressly said he wanted to go to him and not some strangers, might feel differently.

You sound absolutely lovely @brunettehead and very kind ❤️
all these young people are lucky to have you not for the money but for the way in which you view them as equals. We hear so much negativity from blended families this is lovely 🥰

Why not leave your husband's money to your son as per his wishes and split your money equally between the three of them.

It would be odd of your son to be annoyed at that when he's inheriting millions IMO. Do tell him whatever you decide to do though.

Why don’t you? Solves everything really, pits them all on the same footing.

Exactly this

100% agree- what a decision to put on a young adult.

i also wouldn’t be waiting until i died to give h his inheritance. As he turns 18 he needs to know he has a sizeable inheritance from his dad and has options about how he spends his life.

Honestly I would come back and haunt my ex if they gave away money intended for my child to people who were randomers to me. I think it’s morally wrong.

However, if you want to leave any portion, even all of your money to DSC then that is up to you.

I do agree with PP that you need to make sure DS money is properly ringfenced in the event of divorce or death. Your current DH could leave everything to his new wife if you simply leave everything to him.

I have seen this happen a few times, once involving a multi million pound estate.

I’d be deeply disappointed if my child didn’t think £9m of an inheritance wasn’t enough for his needs, wants and pipe dreams.

I think its fine to leave your stepson something OP. My mother has left 10% of her estate to her stepdaughter (my half sister) with the rest divided equally between her biological children. After all, she's known her for over 50 years at this point.

Excellent point - she could be hit by a bus tomorrow and her son never see a penny of his dad’s money.

since she’s not using it for living expenses I’d be moving it across to him in a sensible way

I would divide as:
son gets 100% of his fathers assets, 33% of your assets. I’d assume your ex husband would want his assets to go to his child.

step children each get 33% of your assets.
Stepchildren will have their father to inherit from and possibly grandparents on their side.

Whether your late DH’s parents would be happy can be seen in how they are with the step children. If they buy equal birthday and Christmas presents to that of your son, if they offer to take everyone on holiday and pay for the step children, then they see all the children as their grandchildren. My grandma bought equally for her step grandchildren as she did her grandchildren and had she split between the grandchildren I wouldn’t have had a problem with that. How my grandma felt was very obvious at every stage.

Your late DH was from a wealthy background. If he wanted the money to go his child, he should have done that. He didn’t. At £24m, he hasn’t gathered that much wealth without the help of advisors. He could have all that set up before your son was even born.

That said, you can still change your step kids lives just from your wealth alone. You don’t even need to wait until you die to make their lives immeasurably better.

I can't touch 24M of my late husband's so that our if equation

My 3M isn't not completely liquid, it's assets and liquid. Also for emgeregncy ahd safety it's better not to touch that

Alongside i have high earning job and some passive income, from that Money I'm helping my husband. It will take year's but yeah we have work on that

This was not your wealth, but your dh's, passed down to you. Imagine a conversation with your deceased husband 'would you like me to leave it to your son or to the two strangers?' You have already done more than enough for them, brining them up from 4 y.o., don't be emotionally manipulated.

Do they see each other as just brothers and sisters or step siblings? I mean if these children all call you mum and see you as their mum - I think they would be quite hurt to be left out of your will entirely

^ sorry but this

what came from your DH in my view must morally go to his son

Your own assets - you coukd either split in 3 (best way) or if you really have to split to the 2 SC (but expect some resentment/upset from your son)

I am marrying late in life, I expect my DHs assets from his family to pass solely to his DC and not me (in fact I am hoping he will pass them on soon as DC are young adults )

DHs parents didn’t know me - they wanted it to stay in their family line and to do otherwise is just wrong

You & your now DH can give what you want that you have earned to your SC, stealing what rightly belongs to your DS from his grandparents is very hard to justify in my book

If your DS wants to share down the line - that’s up to him but not your decision to make